LYRICS!
CD #22
Something To Sneeze At, 2010


DUMBLEDORE
A parody of "Hardware Store" by Alfred Yankovic

Nothing ever ever happens in this house
Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Till an owl brought me the news

It said I was already enrolled
In a crazy magic school a thousand years old
So my uncle I told, “I quit this household”
And I laced up both my shoes

But he said “you’re not going anywhere
You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair
Your aunt and I, well, we really don’t care
If you rot away in your room”

But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived
So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified
And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised
’Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom

I can't wait, no I can't wait
They say I’m gonna be a sorceror
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

On the train I met a guy named Ron
A red-headed kid and we really got along
Making stuff disappear with our magic wands
It was really really really really really really great

Then we met this girl, Hermione
Who knew every spell there is from A to Z
And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately
Old Malfoy showed his face

Mean kid who likes to make trouble
When he spots anybody related to a muggle
And he calls them names, so we’re gonna burst his bubble
Before this year is through

Now the coach has started slowing down
And I’m getting off the train and I’m looking all around
And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown
Can’t believe it’s coming true

I can't wait, no I can't wait
Hagrid open up that great big door
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor

Would you look at all of Dumbledore’s stuff…

He’s got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and
Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and
Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and
Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and

Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and
Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and
Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and
Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you’re feeling doomed and

Potions that’ll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly
Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape’s acidic sneer and
Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and
Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and

Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and
Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and
Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and
Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters

I can't wait, no I can't wait
I’m gonna get that evil Voldemort
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Voldemort

© 2005 Steve Goodie



MALFOY THE FLYING FERRET
A parody of "Harvey The Wonder Hamster" by Alfred Yankovic

Oh Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy the flying ferret
He’s not very nice but we keep him around
Cause he makes a squish when he hits the ground
Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy the flying ferret
Hey Malfoy!


© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



AVADA KEDAVRA
A parody of "Hakuna Matata" by Elton John and Tim Rice

Wormtail: Draco, at times like this, we Death Eaters say you must “Get Lord Voldemort’s behind.”
 
Voldemort: No. No. No!
 
Wormtail: Sorry my lord...
 
Voldemort: Amateur! It's “Get behind Lord Voldemort.” Draco, a bad thing needs to happen, and it’s up to you.
 
Draco: Uh... that’s not what they teach us at Hogwarts.
 
Voldemort: Then maybe you need a new lesson. Avada Kedavra! What a wonderful curse!

Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! They don’t get any worse!

Voldemort: It means no Harry, better call him a hearse…

Wormtail: Okay… he’s a hearse!

Voldemort and Wormtail: Ha! It’s our trouble-free, artillery…

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!

Draco: Avada Kedavra?

Wormtail: Yeah. It's our favorite hex!

Draco: What's a hex?

Voldemort: Geez kid, what the hex wrong with you? Ha ha ha!

Wormtail: Ha ha ha! Good one, my lord. Draco, those two words will solve all your problems.

Voldemort: That's right. Take Wormtail here… Why, when he was a young Hogwarts (student)...

Wormtail: When I was a young Hogwarts (student).

Voldemort: Very nice.

Wormtail: Heh heh, Thank you.

Voldemort: He found his persona lacked a certain appeal, he was teased and abused, till he squirmed and he squealed.

Wormtail: I'm a sensitive soul, and I was so chagrined... that they put me in Gryffindor, and not Slytherin.
And oh, the shame...

Voldemort: He was ashamed.

Wormtail: Such a lame nickname...

Voldemort: Yeah, Wormtail’s pretty lame.

Wormtail: And I wanted to quit...

Voldemort: How did ya feel?

Wormtail: Well, I felt like…

Voldemort: Hey! Wormy! Not in front of the kids!

Wormtail: Oh. Sorry.

Voldemort and Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! So nicely depraved! Avada Kedavra!

Voldemort: Even though you don’t shave (yet).

Draco: It means no Harry, he’ll go straight to the grave.

Voldemort: Yeah, sing it kid!

Voldemort and Draco: It's our recipe...

Wormtail: For anarchy...

All: Avada Kedavra!

Voldemort: Welcome to the dark side.

Draco: You’re all killers?

Voldemort: We kill whoever we want.

Wormtail: Yup! Turn ‘em into rump roasts!

Draco: That’s beautiful!

Wormtail: That Order of the Phoenix makes me so mad!

Draco: I’m so angry I could kill a house-elf.

Voldemort: Heh… we don’t need a house-elf killed… yet.

Draco: An owl?

Voldemort: Nuh-uh.

Draco: Harry Potter?!

Voldemort: No, he’s mine! Listen, if you’re going be a Death Eater, you have to act like a Death Eater. And there’s one fella that REALLY needs to… go away.

Draco: Oooh, who’s that?

Voldemort: A certain headmaster… who did you think?

Draco: Ohhhh… Wow…

Voldemort: Oh yeah… I hope you’re not chicken.

Wormtail: Unforgivable, yet satisfying!

Voldemort: This is a rare opportunity.

Wormtail: Mmm hmmm...

Voldemort: Mmmm… he’ll die with a very pleasant crunch.

Wormtail: You’ll learn to love it!

Voldemort: I’m tellin’ you kid, this is the great life. No rules, no accountability… Heh heh, the little muggle kind. And best of all… we’re all pureblood!

Wormtail: Ahem…

Voldemort: That is, except me. Well, kid?

Draco: Oh well…

Wormtail: Hey! Don’t point that at me!

Draco: Avada Kedavra…

Wormtail: (dying) Aaagh!

Draco: (laughing) Unforgivable, yet satisfying.

Voldemort: That’s it!

Draco and Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada --

Draco: It means no Wormy, and Dumbledore’s in his grave.

All: Love to hear them scream, in that flash of green...

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!

Voldemort and Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!

Draco: Avada Kedavra! Ooo ooo ooo…

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Ha ha ha ha!

Voldemort: That’s right… It’s the circle of death…

Wormtail: My hand hurts…

Voldemort: Be prepared… Can you feel the death tonight?

Draco: Ooo ooo ooo...

Voldemort: I just can’t wait to be king!

Draco: Avada Kedavra...

Voldemort: King… King Voldemort… that’s, that’s me… King Voldemort!

© 2010 Steve Goodie and Jace McLain ASCAP



HARRY SINGS HIS TRAGEDY
A parody of "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Ryan Ross

This just in... the Dark Mark was spotted above Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry just after midnight tonight... this is the traditional signature of murder by the Death Eaters... the followers of You Know Who...

Oh, well I’m frozen
Watching Draco abusing poor old Dumbledore
And I cannot do a thing
And I can’t believe my ears, oh how could it be worse
What a horrible ending
What’s Dumbledore thinking, we knew Draco was a traitor
Just like his buddy Snape
Yeah that doublecrosser works for Volde -- shhhh…

I’m frozen, thinking
“How could you go let yourself be murdered,” now you’ve frozen me Dumbledore
No, Snape’s no better than Peter Pettigrew, shoulda gotten fired not promoted, he’s Slytherin
Haven’t you people ever heard he’s, working for Voldemort?
No, he’s much better at evil kinds of things, have you lost your senses?

Oh, looking back
Dumbledore’s been looking for horcruxes
And recklessly depending on Snape
Now it’s all so, bloody awful
Got himself in a bad scrape
Oh, watch your back
If Draco can’t liquidate you
I mean technically it’s gotta be Snape, right?
Made that unbreakable vow, got your jugular vein
Now his job’s down the drain

Harry! What happened?

I watched the whole thing. I couldn't move because Dumbledore froze me. I was right about Draco all along. Voldemort ordered him to get Dumbledore.

And he did?

I can't believe it!


I’m frozen, thinking
Everybody’s always been sure that, Snape’s working for Dumbledore
No, he’s no better than Narcissa and Bellatrix, shoulda gotten clobbered at the ministry
He’s Slytherin
Haven’t you people ever heard there’s, Death-Eaters at the door?
No, Malfoy’s destroying everything, where’s your defenses?

Tom’s got seven personalities, oh yeah

I’m frozen, thinking
“How could you go let yourself be murdered,” Snape’s after you Dumbledore
No, maybe he planned the whole thing weeks ago, maybe he’s really in the Order
It’s confusing
Maybe he’s evil maybe he’s not, is he working for Voldemort?
Dunno, don’t know how to face this kind of thing, look in the Pensieve…

Tom wants immortality, oh yeah

© 2007 Steve Goodie



A DAY IN THE LIFE OF HARRY
A parody of "A Day In The Life" by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

I read the news today, oh boy
’Bout how the headmaster he got betrayed
Just can’t believe Snape’s quite that bad
Thought he was on the righteous path
Hey, he was on the Hogwarts staff

He blew his boss up with a wand
He’d made a vow to Malfoy and Lestrange
That's pronounced, "La-strawnge"

Vowed to cover Draco’s derriere
So he whacked old Dumbledore
Though nobody is really sure we’ll never see his face no more

They’ve stretched the films to eight, oh boy
Though the books are great, I find the films okay
If I were smart I’d turn away
But I just have to look
Having read the books
I can’t believe… he’s… gone…

This just in... shortly past midnight last night, Hogwarts headmaster Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore was...

...was done in by Severus Snape, using the forbidden Avada Kedavra curse. More information as it comes in.

Well obviously there will be more information as it comes in. We can't very well dispense information before it comes in, can we?

Yes, of course Veronica, that's just something we say, isn't it, to sign off?

Oh for heaven's sake! Can't we think of something a bit more clever than that? I mean really!

Oh, good Lord Veronica, do you have to make an issue out of everything I say?

So this is my fault is it?


Woke up, got out of bed
Felt the scar across my head
Found my way downstairs where the floating cups
Had been conjured up to hit the Dursleys in the face (ha ha ha ha)

Found my wand and grabbed my broom
Felt my wizard life resume
But the whole thing just went up in smoke
I’m under my cloak and I just want to scream
Ah…

Oh Veronica, it's not a question of fault. It's a question of propriety, of professionalism while we're working.

So, I'm not professional, is that it?

That's not what I said...

Just because I refuse to spout meaningless cliches to the point of madness...

Veronica...

... that makes me a non-professional?

No no no...

I see what's going on here!

Oh, well why don't you enlighten us? You're the professional after all.

I most certainly will.

Yes, I expect you will.

What's that supposed to mean?

Hmm, I wonder what that could mean? Could it mean you're going to go on and on and on...


It made the news today, oh boy
Four thousand mourners packed in Hogwarts here
And though I was there to see him fall
Now Hagrid won’t let me look
I won’t really know what happened till I get to read the final book
I can’t believe… he’s… gone…

Dumbledore's lifetime accomplishments include induction as Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot...

Uh, Veronica, I think that's "Why-zen-ga-moot."

No Martin, I looked it up.

Are you sure?

Oh quite.

Dumbledore was widely known as the only wizard ever truly feared by You Know Who.

It's Voldemort. Can't we just say his name? Would that be so awful?

I can't believe you!

Voldemort...

I -- you are despicable!

Wizengamot.

I've never worked with such a lunatic!

Voldemort. Voldemort.

Stop it! Stop it! I hate you!

Voldemort.

I can't work like this!

Voldemort.


© 2007 Steve Goodie



ACT POTTERY
A parody of "Act Naturally" by Johnny Russell and Voni Morrison

They're gonna make me do more movies
Now they’ve made a big star out of me
They make lame films and they pay me lots of money
And all I gotta do is, act Pottery

Well they’ll touch up my forehead with a big scar
I’ll get a wand and do some crazy spells
The CG has made me a big star
Cause I can’t really act so well

Well I hope you’ll come and see my latest movie
See me type-cast to the nth degree
Everyone thinks Harry is yours truly
But all I really do is, act Pottery

Well I can’t believe these films are really ending
And I’m not yet an Oscar nominee
I’m a twenty-something, has-been child actor
And all I ever did was, act Pottery

Well I guess I should put an ad on craigslist
But I can’t type, and I don’t know how to spell
I could be that crazy kid in Equus
Cause I can play the part au naturel

Well I hope you’ll come and see the latest movie
And ignore the fact that I’m quite elderly
When I finish school, I’ll be washed-up big-time
Cause all I ever do is, act Pottery

© 2010 Steve Goodie and Jace McLain ASCAP



I AM THE HORCRUX
A parody of "I Am The Walrus" by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

I am he who’s chosen least some folks believe what they read in the paper
I’m on the run since the new war’s begun I’m on the run, I’m hiding

Sitting in a puptent, waiting for a clue to come
Dumbledore’s intel, sadly insufficient
Hunting for a bunch of pieces of a tattered soul

I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you’re through You Know Who

Mister Ronald Weasley sitting chicken little Weasley had to go
See how he whines once he’s left us behind, see how he cries
He’s crying, he’s crying, he’s crying, he’s crying

Nymphadora Lupin, growing little wolves inside
Remus wants adventure, thinks he can protect her
Man you’ve been a naughty boy, you let your family down
I am the H-man, I am the H-man, finding Dolores, and then You Know Who

Sneaking into Umbridge office but the locket’s gone
Tell the half-bloods run you gotta scram, maybe visit family in Spain
I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you’re through You Know Who

Snatching rat-faced gloating poachers now we’re toast cause Voldemort’s taboo
See how they spy like steak and kidney pie, they’re foul and vile, I’m flying

Flying into Hogwarts, fighting all the evil power
In some sort of purgatory, Dumbledore informs me
I am just another piece of Riddle’s fractured soul
I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux
You’re through You Know Who, you’re through You Know Who

You’re through You Know Who, you’re through You Know Who
You’re through … You Know Who

You’re through, yeah you, you, you’re through… You Know Who...

Hallows, horcrux, horcrux hallows
Toasting Voldemort marshmallows
Horcrux, hallows, hallows, horcrux
Dumbledore’s dead, he was buried in his best tux...


© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



HARRY'S GIRL
A parody of "Valley Girl" by Frank Zappa

Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
She’s last in line, her blood is pure
Now she’s Harry’s girl, fighting Voldemort
She’s last in line, she don’t like Fleur
Shes a

Like, OMG! (Harry’s girl)
Like, totally (Harry’s girl)
Like at first I couldn’t even talk (Harry’s girl)
I, like, froze up and like… (Harry’s girl)
Whenever Harry Potter was around, I like couldn’t say anything, you know? Cause he was like totally famous, with that awesome scar on his head, and he was like totally all alone, and he was super super nice… he was just so…

Youngest Weasley, she’s depressed
Old Tom Riddle’s got her possessed
She found this book, she was unaware
That he put a whole bunch of evil in there

Anyway, he goes, like, “Hi! I’m Tom Riddle, and this is my diary.” And I’m all like, wow, and he’s all like, tell me about it, so I like told him how my brothers like totally tease me all the time, and how I like have to wear second-hand robes, I am so sure!

Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
She lost her mind, she’s lost her nerve
But she’s Harry’s girl, and he’ll rescue her
Her vital signs, he will ensure
She’s a

It’s really sad (Harry’s girl)
Our new defense teacher, Professor Lockhart (Harry’s girl)
He’s like Mr. Dufus (Harry’s girl)
We’re talking lord God king Dufus (Harry’s girl)
I am so sure, he’s like so pathetic
I heard like he let out all these pixies
And he like totally lost control of the class
It’s like totally embarrassing
I’m like so sure, it’s like who let these out...
Bag the whole room!

First year she’s still awful shy
Anytime Harry J. Potter walks by
Her face turns red just like her hair
Can’t say a word, just too dang scared

So like I go into this like bookstore place, y’know, and I wanted like to get my books for school, and they are all like, totally expensive, and like my dad like doesn’t have any money, at all. It was like really embarrassing. And Harry’s like, here, take my books, and he’s like totally sweet, and I was like really embarrassed...

Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
Years go by, she's found her nerve
Now she’s Harry’s girl, with the bogey curse
She’s last in line, she don’t like Fleur
But she’s Harry’s girl, he could do much worse

Like my brother is like a total dweeb (Harry’s girl)
He’s like freaking out that I kissed anyone (Harry’s girl)
And he’s like never even had a date (Harry’s girl)
I am sure, that's like pathetic! (Harry’s girl)
ROTFLOL! (Harry’s girl)
OMG! (Harry’s girl)

Hi!
Uh-huh... (Harry’s girl)
My name?
My name is Ginevra Weasley (Harry’s girl)
Uh-huh
That's right, Ginevra (Harry’s girl)
Uh-huh...
Like, Ginny for short
It’s like... (Harry’s girl)
I do not have funny hair...
I’m sure (Harry’s girl)
What'sa matter with red hair? (Harry’s girl)
I am a witch, I know (Harry’s girl)
But I play like a really awesome game of Quidditch, so it’s okay
(Harry’s girl)
Uh-huh... (Harry’s girl)
So like, You Know Who is back (Harry’s girl)
I’m like freaking out totally (Harry’s girl)
OMG! (Harry’s girl)

Hi, I have to go to the DA meeting tonight (Harry’s girl)
We’re like learning to defend ourselves, y’know (Harry’s girl)
But I am like underage
That's going to be really like a total bummer
And I named the D.A. – Dumbledore’s Army, y’know?
But will I get to stand and, like, fight?
No, my parents will totally make me, like, stay behind
By myself, in the room of requirement
It's like so totally uncool
But they can’t watch me 24/7
So no biggie...
We’ve been, like, putting up resistance all year
It’s like covert and stuff, y’know
Well, I’m not a big baby or anything
It’s just like are you serious?
I can like totally take care of myself
With like You Know Who totally after Harry
Harry’s like, “pretend you don’t know me, Ginny”

It’s like too risky...
Risky to the max
I’m sure
It’s like really exasperating
Like get out
Get me a normal boyfriend
But…I am sure… Oh Harry…

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



UMBRIDGE BLOODY UMBRIDGE
A parody of "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by David Evans

There's been a lot of talk about this next song... maybe too much talk. This is not a Harry Potter song... this is Umbridge Bloody Umbridge...

I can't believe my eyes today
I thought that nasty evil toad had gone away
Ding dong, the wicked witch ain’t dead and gone
No that frog, ain’t gone…
She survived, and she got another job, it’s not right

In our fifth year she came to teach
Soon we realized how far her powers reached
She made herself Inquisitor
Thought she could run this dump much better than Dumbledore

Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge

She’s working at the ministry
She should be in jail, but on the contrary
Though she is only three foot eight
Somehow she’s making muggles and blood-traitors run away

Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge

Ding dong, that wicked witch got even stronger
That frog, ain’t gone
Not quite, we gotta sneak inside, tonight
We gotta fight, with a polyjuice disguise, inside

Wipe her sneer away
Make her go away
She’s only three foot eight
Go ahead, make my day (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge)

Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge

Now our seventh year’s begun
We’re hunting horcruxes, and that witch is wearing one
She wears that locket by her heart
Gotta infiltrate the ministry and rip that thing apart

I told the half-bloods run and hide (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge)
Once I’d hit that witch with a bit of Stupefy! (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge)
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



DOBBY CAN YOU HEAR ME?
A parody of "Tommy Can You Hear Me?" by Pete Townshend

Dobby can you hear me, now I really need you
Dobby can you see me, I’m the one who freed you
Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby

Dobby can you hear me, you saved us from the bad guys
Dobby can you see me, you got clobbered in a drive-by
Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby

Dobby can you hear me, how could Rowling go and end you
Dobby can you see me, maybe Molly will avenge you
Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby…

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



WHY CAN'T WE ALL GET
A LONGBOTTOM?

A parody of "Sara" by Steve Goodie

I’ve known this kid since the first year of school
He taught us self-defense, and he taught us how to duel
And he’s never had a problem, with breaking lots of rules
And he’s on the run now, chasing You Know Who
That’s Harry, is he awesome, yeah, very (very, very, very)

Oh Harry, Harry, come back and fight
Death Eaters are swarming into Hogwarts tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those spells
You got me out of my shell, yeah it’s true
Bring it on, You Know Who

I used to be pretty lame, forget lots of stuff
Till Professor McGonagall said, “Longbottom, enough’s enough!”
Turns out my Gran wasn’t perfect herself
And now I’ve got some confidence, with the Potter kid’s help
That’s Harry, is he awesome, yeah, very (very, very, very)

Oh Harry, Harry, come back and fight
We’re wiping out, the Dark Lord tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those curses
Now it’s us versus the worst they can do
We can beat You Know Who

Harry’s the man, there’s no contest
From the very first day, on the Hogwarts Express
Did he make fun of me, not him, not never
He did his very best to help me find Trevor
Who turned up at Hagrid’s, it wasn’t so bad
But those Slytherin jerks make me so dang mad
That Draco and Pansy and Goyle and Crabbe
And Snape and Dolores and Bellatrix and… Riddle
Okay that didn’t rhyme, I messed up that verse
Guess you better hit me with the Cruciatus Curse
But before you try it, you might want to know
That I killed Nagini, and that killed Voldemo’
So I might strike back, yeah maybe I oughta
Hit you with a little thing called… Avada Kedavra

Harry, Harry, he taught me to fight
And we’re wiping out the Dark Side tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those spells
You got me out of my shell, yeah it’s true
And we can beat You Know Who

Harry, Harry, come back and fight
Hogwarts is lousy with Death Eaters tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those curses
Now it’s us versus the worst they can do
And we beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who)
We beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who)
Yeah we beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who)
We beat him, defeated him, deleted him, mincemeated him, we beat You Know Who
We beat You Know Who
We beat You Know Who
We beat You Know Who

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



MR. GRINT
A parody of "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" by Dr. Seuss and Albert Hague

You're a magician, Mr. Grint
Your powers are unreal
But you’re always overshadowed
By that Potter, how’s that feel?
Mr. Grint
You’re a second banana in a show you can’t steal

You’re an sidekick, Mr. Grint
And you’d like a leading role
But you tend to tumble downward
When you guard that Quidditch goal
Mr. Grint
And Fleur wouldn’t touch you with a 39-and-a-half-foot... wand

You’re a sly one, Mr. Grint
Even though you’ve got no scar
You make a smashing entrance
In a stolen flying car
Mr. Grint
And when you were surrounded by enormous spiders, you had to be rescued… by that stolen flying car

You‘re affluent, Mr. Grint
A former normal kid
Now you’ve got a couple mansions
Worth about ten million quid
Mr. Grint
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote… stinking, filthy, rich

You’re a redhead, Mr. Grint
And when you get too much sun
You’re a radish with an accent
A tomato with a tongue
Mr. Grint
Your face is an amazing conglomeration of the most carcinogenic and multifaceted blemishes imaginable… and I’ll just bet you have freckles on your bum

You entertain me, Mr. Grint
You’re number eight of nine (including Molly and Arthur)
And though Fred and George are wacky
You still get the funny lines
Mr. Grint
You’re a gawky, awkward goofball with a broken wand and limited Quidditch skills… but Miss Watson thinks you’re fine

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



ICE CREAM MAN
A parody of "Iron Man" by Ozzy Osbourne and Geezer Butler

Hey Ice Cream Man! Hey Ice Cream Man! Give me my ice cream! Mom, I need money for ice cream! Hey Ice Cream Man!

I AM ICE CREAM MAN!!

Yay!


I am Ice Cream Man
Plumping up the neighborhood in my van
When I ring my bell
All my little customers run like mad

Wait! Ice Cream Man! Hey Ice Cream Man! Ice Cream Man! Wait! Wait!

Big kid up the street
Begging mama give me money for a frozen treat
These kids can’t say no
I’m spreading Good Humor wherever I go

(Burp) That was good! Give me my ice cream! Hurry! He’s leaving! Run! Run! I’m running! I’m running!

Junkies are everywhere
Paying top dollar for a chocolate eclair
Wind, snow, hail or rain
See ’em waddle after me, calling my name

Wait up! Hey!

Everyone loves me Hey Ice Cream Man!
I’m God’s gift to the world Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! I got cash money!
Everyone needs me
My job couldn’t be more secure

I want a fudgesicle! This is broccoli for crying out loud!
I’m your ice cream man… stop me when you’re passing by…

I am Ice Cream Man
Inventing new flavors like spinach pecan
Teeth rot, stomachs turn
Everybody gets to feel the freezer burn

Hey Ice Cream Man!

Everyone wants me
I’m a rockstar in a stupid hat Can you break a fifty?
You wanna pay with a fifty? Uh huh.
Yeah I got change for that

Mom! I need fifty bucks! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!

Hey Ice Cream Man, I don’t think this is what I ordered. Yeah, this isn’t right. This isn’t supposed to be green. Hey, give me my money back! I want a refund! I did not order spinach!

Hey buddy, my kid tells me you sold him some nasty ice cream.

Uh, that’s not possible. Here, have a fudgesicle, on the house.

Ice Cream Man, wait for me!


Children used to be thin
With too much freakin energy and just one chin
Here they come again
Huffin and a-puffin like Eric Cartman

Hey!

What’ll it be, kid?

Okay, okay, I need… okay… I need three Strawberry Shortcakes, and four Chocolate Eclairs, and one of those big red white and blue bomb things..

Got it.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen… I got Fudge Bars, Nestle Crunch Bars, Snickers Bars, Heath Bars, King Cones, Premium Vanilla Sandwiches, Reese’s Bars, Strawberries And Cream Bars, Cookies And Cream Bars, Toasted Almond Bars, Candy Center Crunch Bars, Triple Chocolate Brownies, Premium Sundaes Sundaes Sundaes, Giant Ice Cream Sandwiches, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Giant Neopolitan Sandwiches, Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwiches, Succulent Swiss Quintuple-Smooth Faux-Cream Triple Milk-Chocolate Frogs, Candied Frozen Yogurt Balls, Cherry Whipped Cream Mousse Balls, Fudge-Wrapped Dark Chocolate Semi-Malted Air-Puffed Peanut-Butter And Almond Honey-Soaked Frozen Barnacles On A Stick.

Uh… one barnacle, please.


© 2010 Steve Goodie and Max Dorris ASCAP



GIRL TALK (Disclaimer #1)

The next song is a little weird, cause
I wrote it as if I were a nine-year-old girl
It's from an old band of mine called Girlband
But don’t panic, Mom, it’s rated G… honest

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



(I CAN’T KISS YOU ‘CAUSE I HAVE)
BRACES


Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

It’s field trip day, I’ve waited all week
Johnny sit here, I saved you a seat
We’re on the bus and we’re riding along
But something’s wrong

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I’m such a dork, I feel so dumb
This never would have happened but I sucked my thumb
And you’re so tall, and your hair’s so wild
But I’m afraid to smile

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

It’s always something and it’s so unfair
I just know I’ve got a bunch of spinach stuck in there
I sit by the phone and wait for your call
But you won’t
And it’s all the orthodontist’s fault
All his fault
All his fault
All his fault

I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
Metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal
Metal metal metal metal, ahhh

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
I can’t kiss you cause…

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

I have metal in all the wrong places
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



HALLOWEEN

The night is dark and real spooky
Ghosts in the streets, black cats on the prowl
Batman’s chasing Joker, there’s Martians in the fields
Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl?

Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts
I can hear the beating of Dracula’s cold heart
If I didn’t know better, I’d flee this scary scene
But there’s no need to panic, it’s only Halloween

I’ve come for candy, don’t you think I’m cute?
I’m walking ’round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want your fruit

I’m on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass
Mrs. P says to me, who’s that behind the mask
I say yeahahahahaha! and that makes her scream
Didn’t mean to scare you lady, don’t you know it’s Halloween

I’ve come for candy, that’s why I’m in this suit
I’m trick-or-treating and you’re supposed to give me loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want no fruit

We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out
The porch has got a witch’s broom, there’s candles lit in every room
Don’t leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear
Hey, where did everybody go? C’mon you guys, this isn’t funny
I really need to pee, c’mon, I’ll give you some of my chocolate

And suddenly the lights come on, there’s a party here, should go till dawn
I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong
It’s Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah

Hey it’s all about candy, yeah I know I’m cute
All ’round the neighborhood I’ve been collecting loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want no fruit

I don’t want your fruit
I want your Hershey’s, I want your Reese’s
Don’t care if my teethes, fall to pieces
I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds
I want your candy
Happy Halloween!

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



ECSTASY OF THE BILIOUS WATERPOODLE

I can’t find my penguin!

If you cauterize that ointment with Aunt Claudia’s broccoli casserole and follow the flatulence to its logical cartography while juggling your earwax, spam and mangos will erupt from my nephew’s upper left Baio brother.

Why can’t I smell my elbows?

I’ve discovered Pluto!

You must stop shouting Down With Nastiness, you’re making yourself over-irrigated and I can taste the mustard your brother-in-law spilled on his pedal-pushers.

This nacho cheese has no linoleum.

Why do all my staplers vote for Albanians?

I think rutabegas make excellent recreational vehicles, not to mention party favors.

Can Malibu Barbie get a part in the next Sharon Osbourne docu-drama about left-handed Ukranian mambo enthusiasts who find themselves suddenly expurgated in coleslaw?

Paraguay!

My mother can beat up twenty-six of your fastest non-alcoholic tricycle wheels with one spatula tied behind her esophagus.

If your pinecone sugarloaf threatens my Parcheesi one more time I’ll never stop articulating triumphant etudes on your camel’s googelplex.

Ick!

Vomitous masses yearning to congratulate each other’s uvulas!

This chunky peanut butter isn’t nearly chunky enough!

It's the great pacific garbage patch, Charlie Brown!

Will someone scratch my squirrel?

Delousing hamsters reverses tooth-decay in laboratory earmuffs.

I invited the Schwarzeneggers, but they brought Hawaiian Punch without marshmallows so I made them stand in the phone booth up to their knees in lime jello until one of them could properly whistle the Belgian national anthem without masticaing.

Nitwits are sandblasting my pajamas!

Can’t you see I need oatmeal?

What is the point of vanilla cough syrup, in today’s recidivist economy?

Or meat?

I think I swallowed my face.

A shoeless man with no money wants to buy my motorcycle.

You got eggshells in my Strawberry Quick!

My igloo isn’t broadband compatible!

Where did you put my toejam collection?

Try hand towels now and then why don’t you?

I can’t believe Cousin McQuigley got expunged for invertebrate eggplants!

This silly putty isn’t nearly silly enough!

I want everyone on the left side of the room to stay on the left side of the room. Now!

Do you think these pants make my cat look fructose-injected?

Circuitous meatloaf!

I can really taste the Chutney!

Ow! My spork!


© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



MUCUS TO MY EARS (Disclaimer #2)
A style-parody of "Harvey The Wonder Hamster" by Alfred Yankovic

This next song is like
Really gross, I mean
Really really gross, but kids think it’s great
They wanna hear it over and over again
I know you won’t like it, Mom
But what can I say, it just hit me one day
So don’t listen, Mom, if you hate booger jokes… sorry!

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



BROWN BOOGER
A parody of "Brown Sugar" by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

Most disgusting song ever recorded, take six...

Boy, the food at this place is really terrible!
This'll be a quick meal.
This is absolutely gross!
That boy is a P-I-G pig!
Flush it down the toilet, okay, and flush it a couple of times...
Ewwwwww!


Third grade recess on the playing field
Joey's got no lunch, but it's no big deal
He's pickin' his nose, thinkin' he's out of sight
See him pick a big one, just about bite-sized

Awwwww!
He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good?
Gross!
That's disgusting!
Did you eat?

Brown booger, just like a booger should now

You gonna finish that?
Yeah, I'm gonna finish it.
Cause if you're not gonna finish it I would eat it,
but if you're gonna eat...
Say the word and I'll give you a piece.


Little Joey's teacher well her jaw just drops
Lady of the lunch wonders where it's gonna stop
She gives him a sandwich and a blueberry pie
But Joey keeps a-diggin', middle finger this time

Blech!
He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good now?
Gross!
Awww!!
Nice mouth!

Brown booger, just like a booger should, now, yeah

We're mutants! There's something wrong with us,
something very very wrong with us!
That kid'll eat anything!
Must be hungry.
Something seriously wrong with us!
Here's proof... his nose is cold.


Now, didn't your mama teach you anything?
If you're gonna eat your boogers buddy don't be seen
I'm no schoolboy but I know what I hate
You should have seen the size of what he ate

The size of a Buick.
Wow!

Brown booger, how come you taste so good now?
Awww, brown booger, just like a booger should now...

I can't believe you're eating this!
You know what your problem is?
You don't chew your food, that's why you
get so irritable with people. You could get mumps...
Oh...


I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww!
Mmmmm!
That one tasted like Cracker Jack!

How come you... how come you taste so good?
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwwwww!
You can taste mine if I can taste yours.
Ooooo... okay!

Just like a, just like a booger should
Yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww!
Oh look, I'm gonna roll it in my fingers
and then toss it at you
This one tastes like pepperoni!
Pepperoni!
Yeah! From the nose-meister!
I think I touched my brain!
If I find a gooey one, I wait for later,
and then I get a crunchy one, and then
I mix 'em.
Yeah, I save 'em behind my ear.
Ooo, that's a good idea.
Have you ever mixed it with your earwax?
Have I? I invented that!
Oh! Extra points! Blood!
Mmm... slimy.
Mmm... salty.
Have you ever microwaved them?
No!
Mmmm!


© 2001 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Chris Smith ASCAP





Refrigerator Art, 2006


ARE WE THERE YET?

We’re going off to Grandma’s, it’s a seven-hour drive
It feels more like ten million, don’t think I can survive
We’re barely out of town, I’m already bored to tears
’Cause I just chowed down, my last Three Musketeers

Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas
How many more miles, how many more minutes
I’m strapped in my seat, don’t wanna stay in it
I know I know I know I know I asked five minutes ago
Man, the time is going slow
Are we there yet?

My sister Peggy’s teasing me, I pinch her leg, Mom catches me
“We’ve got three hours to go precisely, I need you both to sit there nicely”
We watch the passing license plates, call out the names of their states
That’s a ton of fun, five minutes max, I pull Peggy’s hair, a sneak attack

Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas
How many more miles, how many more minutes
Why can’t Grandma come to our house to visit
I know I know I know I know I asked two minutes ago
My rear-end’s just about killing me, so
Are we there yet?

Mom drags out Harry Potter, Peggy’s reading it to me
While the kids in their fancy SUVs, watch their fancy DVDs
I play with the boogers in my nose, stick them to the car windows
Then Dad says, “Hey, what do you know, I do believe we’re here!”

Now we’re here – yes! Dad stepped on the gas
No more miles, no more minutes
There’s a swimming pool! I’m gonna jump in it
I hope the time’ll go real slow
Now we’re here I don’t want to go
I’m gonna play and play and play all day
We’ll stay here till I’m old and gray
Let’s buy up land, Dad whaddaya say
We’re here, we’re here, we’re here!
Finally!

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



GOTTA CLEAN MY ROOM

Mom says my room’s a horrible mess
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
Like a tornado ripped through it from east to west
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
I love my mom but I don’t dig her
When she yells, “Pick up all of those action figures!”
Much easier said than done
Cause when I pick up my toys, I start playing with ’em

Power Rangers, swords and zords
Yu-Gi-Oh cards all over the floor
Legos and gameboys, right over there
I see my favorite old missing teddy bear
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
Wow! Hot Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom

“Listen here, young man,” Mom calls up the stairs
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
“Don’t forget to pick up all your underwear!”
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
Now mom is cool but she needs to chill
Cause this pile of clothes make a real good hill
For parachuting down or hiding all day
Why would I ever want to put it all away?

Power Rangers, swords and zords
Hungry Hungry Hippos all over the floor
Space suits, Sponge Bob, hey what’s that
My one-eyed toad with the sailor’s hat
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
Wow! Power Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom

There’s a giant inflatable dinosaur
A great big Simba with a great big roar
All the Lincoln Logs from the Lincoln Log drawer
A life-sized poster of Dumbledore
I got puzzles and models and games galore
It’s like someone blew up a great big toy store
With all this cool stuff out on the floor
Who could clean up? Uh oh, here she comes…

I can still hear mom shouting up the stairs
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
“What in the world’s going on up there?”
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
“If that room’s not clean by the count of three
I gonna lock you in there and throw away the key”
“That sounds great mom!” I say thankfully
“We’re real good friends, my mess, and me”

Power Rangers, swords and zords
Tinkertoy pieces all over the floor
Firetruck, play-doh, and a Halloween mask
A huge pillow-fort, and Monopoly cash
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
Wow! The space shuttle! Vroom vroom vroom

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



HALLOWEEN

The night is dark and real spooky
Ghosts in the streets, black cats on the prowl
Batman’s chasing Joker, there’s Martians in the fields
Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl?

Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts
I can hear the beating of Dracula’s cold heart
If I didn’t know better, I’d flee this scary scene
But there’s no need to panic, it’s only Halloween

I’ve come for candy, don’t you think I’m cute?
I’m walking ’round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want your fruit

I’m on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass
Mrs. P says to me, who’s that behind the mask
I say yeahahahahaha! and that makes her scream
Didn’t mean to scare you lady, don’t you know it’s Halloween

I’ve come for candy, that’s why I’m in this suit
I’m trick-or-treating and you’re supposed to give me loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want no fruit

We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out
The porch has got a witch’s broom, there’s candles lit in every room
Don’t leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear
Hey, where did everybody go? C’mon you guys, this isn’t funny
I really need to pee, c’mon, I’ll give you some of my chocolate

And suddenly the lights come on, there’s a party here, should go till dawn
I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong
It’s Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah

Hey it’s all about candy, yeah I know I’m cute
All ’round the neighborhood I’ve been collecting loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want no fruit

I don’t want your fruit
I want your Hershey’s, I want your Reese’s
Don’t care if my teethes, fall to pieces
I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds
I want your candy
Happy Halloween!

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



HE’S A BULLY

I meet a big bad dude when I walk to school
He likes to make trouble and he likes to make the rules
When he gives me those noogies, I don’t stand a chance
He hits me with spitballs, to make me dance
He’s got me so nervous, I can’t relax
And I’d rather get the mumps than to cross his tracks

He’s a bully
He’s a bad bad creep
A stinky meanie, and there’s no relief
From the bully
He’s a yucky yuck creep
A big old bully, just a big old bully

Well he blocks my path and he charges a toll
Takes my egg salad sandwich and my Hostess Ho Ho
He thinks he rules the school with his iron fist
If I look at him wrong I get the strong-arm twist
He says if I tell on him, a bloody nose to expect
And all the other kids laugh so they won’t be next

He’s a bully
He’s a bad bad creep
A stinky meanie, yeah there’s no relief
From the bully
He’s a yucky yuck creep
Big old bully, just a big old bully

Well I got so sick of being afraid
I told my mom and my dad and the teacher’s aide
I should have done it sooner but I just didn’t know
That there’s people who can help when a problem grows

So we went to his house, my Dad and me
We met the whole bully family
The bully was quiet, so was his mom
His dad was the scary one, and it started to dawn on me

That this big bully gets bullied at home
And I wished his dad would leave him alone
I started feeling sorry for the bully
And I stopped being scared of the bully

And I said, “Hey! Mr. Lewis! It’s okay…
You know, um, I think Bill and I could be friends…
What do you think, Bill?”
And Bill looked at me… and he actually smiled a little…
And so did my dad, and Mrs. Lewis…
And then…Mr. Lewis smiled, too… and it was kind of… cool

Now I can walk to school and I got no fear
I got a brand new friend, and it turns out we’re
Not so different, not really different at all
We can both get scared, and I don’t need to call

Him a bully
Now he’s one of my peeps
He doesn’t call me names, he doesn’t give me the creeps
I call him Billy
And when we walk down the street
We’re buddies, good good buddies
Yeah we’re buddies, good good buddies
Everybody, meet my new friend Billy...

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



NOT ME

There’s someone causing trouble, whoever can it be
When Mama wonders who’s to blame I always say “Not Me”
“Are you sure it wasn’t daddy who left Elmo by the tree?
Cause it was absolutely positively certainly Not Me”

“Who left the front door open? There’s a stray cat in here”
“It could have been the wind though I admit it’s awful weird”
“And who left all these lights on, that’s a waste of energy”
Let’s start investigating, Ma, ’cause I know it was Not Me

There’s two words that I carry, Not Me Not Me Not Me
Those two words never vary, Not Me Not Me Not Me
When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see
Who done it? Well it was absolutely certainly Not Me

Mom and I come home from shopping with our bags of groceries
We hear some real loud noises coming from the big TV
“Who left that cartoon running all this time on DVD?”
It’s another big old myst’ry, ’cause I know it was not me

“Who left the bathtub running? I’ve got soap suds to my knees
Who left the skateboard by the stairs and nearly clobbered me?
Who’s been eating on the sofa? I see crumbs and Ovaltine”
It’s sure a full-time job saying Not Me Not Me Not Me

There’s two words I’m repeatin’, Not Me Not Me Not Me
These two words can’t be beaten, Not Me Not Me Not Me
When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see
Who done it? Well I’ll tell you, just as sure as sure can be
It was absolutely positively certainly Not Me

There must be an imposter, he’s got shirts that look like mine
A familiar face runs ’round the place and breaks stuff, then he hides
When the pieces are discovered they all stare accusingly
“Are you the one responsible?” I swear it was Not Me

No he’s the one who done it, he’s the one to blame
He’s the offending party, and you can ask for him by name

He’s the king of all excuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me
He’s the one that I accuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me
When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see
Who done it? Well I’ll tell you, just as sure as sure can be
It was absolutely, positively, definitely, unmistakably
Unequivocally, undeniably, indisputably, irrefutably
Most assuredly…
Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me
Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



I’LL BE GOOD

I think Mom and Dad are going out, aw the babysitter’s coming in
Are you going to the movies, are you gonna do some miniature golfin’
Hey don’t you want to take me, the life of the party who’s tons of fun
What do you mean I don’t know how to be quiet, and I can be embarrassin’?

I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say
I swear I won’t be a problem, won’t do nothing wrong
Won’t be loud and crazy, please take me along
And I promise I’ll eat the stuff on my plate
I swear I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say

Dad says, “Remember that day at the diner,
When they were out of what you wanted to eat
You screamed, ‘what, no strawberry ice cream?’
And banged your fists and stomped your feet”
“Yeah, that sure was hilarious Dad
Thanks for that memory”
“Well, we did not find it amusing
Everyone staring at your mother and me”

I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say
I won’t spill soda, won’t have no conniption
Don’t need no babysitter, don’t need no prescription
I swear! For the rest of the day
I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say

“Remember the shoestore, and the scene you made in there
You wanted Velcro, not the laces, and you screamed and pulled my hair”

I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say
I won’t throw my salad, won’t throw no tantrum
Won’t be obnoxious, oh please don’t abandon me
I know how to behave
I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say
For the rest of the day
C’mon make my day

© 2006 Steve Goodie, Louie Lawent, & Jacob Kantor ASCAP



LITTLE SISTER
(OOLY GOOLY BAKA HU)


Every day I do, lots of different things
I like to slide on the slide, I like to swing on the swings
I like whatever new stuff, every day brings
But my little sister’s in a rut

Jessie gets one thought into her head
And she repeats it over and over and over and over and over again
Can’t she say anything else instead
She’s gonna drive me nuts, she says

Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again, she says
Ooly gooly baka hu, and then she laughs, and then she says
Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she
Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears
I think I’m gonna just go nuts

It’s a snowy cold day, we’re stuck inside
She’s repeating those words and there’s nowhere to hide
If I only knew what the heck she means then I
Might not be coming unglued

I give her all my playdough to distract her
And I let her play my drums and I let her drive my tractor
But she still repeats the words just to make me go crackers
What am I going to do

Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again and again, she says
Ooly gooly baka hu, I freak out when, she says
Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she
Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears
Can’t she ever shift her gears
Ooly gooly baka hu, it’s all I hear
I think I’m gonna move to Zimbabwe

Mom says “It’s just a stage, she’s gotta go through
Let’s try to teach her something else, something new”
I say, baa baa woof woof oink oink moo
Any animal will do

Dad says “she’s just like a broken record,” and then I say
"Uh, what’s a record? And how do they break?"
Dad starts to laugh, and then Jessie says
“Lima broka mekker too”

Lima broka mekker, it’s different, but then she says
Lima broka mekker, again and again, she says
Lima broka mekker, when oh when will she
Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears
Can’t she ever shift her gears
She’ll say the same old thing for three whole years
Lima broka mekker
Aaaahhhhh!!!
I think I’m gonna go nuts
You’re driving me crazy!
Would you stop doing that, please?!
Mom!!

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



REFRIGERATOR ART

We got a whole bunch of paper, twenty gallons of paint
And we’re slapping it on with very little restraint
Teacher says we’re great artists, yeah we’re the very best
But when I take it home to Mom, that’s the real test

Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge
And she likes everything I make, so there’s not one smidge
Of space on the door, or on the sides or on the top
And when we open it up, another piece drops
So we’re up to our ears in my genius
Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge

I got a tin can and a piece of string
And a box of macaroni and some shag carpeting
And with all this junk I create my masterpiece
We’re gonna need a bigger fridge, fifty cubic feet at least

Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge
Where my collection is complete and unabridged
I filled up the door, above, below, and in between
Inside and out, we can’t open the thing
Seems someone’s more interested in art than food storage
So if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge

Refrigerator art, the fridge is where we hang it
Refrigerator art, with a bunch of little magnets
Refrigerator art, Mom can’t get enough
Of all my beautiful stuff

Mom invites the neighborhood moms on in
She takes them to my gallery, um, I mean the kitchen
She’s showing off my fingerpaint and cotton-ball clouds
She’s got tears in her eyes, she’s so dang proud
The other mothers smile at what they’ve been shown
Cause they’ve got the same stuff on fridges of their own

If Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge
And she likes everything I make, so there’s not one smidge
Of space on the door, it’s so fully saturated
With all the masterworks that her little boy created
So now we go to the bathtub when we need a beverage
Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge
Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



QUITCHER WHINING!

I’m bored… I’m really really bored
I’m so bored, it’s not even funny
I say, “Mom… I’m bored!”
And she says, “I’d love to help you honey”

But when you whine at me, it makes me want to do
The opposite of what it is you want me to
So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do
Quit whining! Quitcher whining!

Cause what does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
So knock it off!

It’s suppertime, and Mom’s serving up the food
And Jessie’s plate isn’t quite as full as mine
She says, “Mom! I want more!”
And Mom says, “I’ve told you a thousand times”

When you whine at me, it makes me want to do
The opposite of what it is you want me to
So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do
Quit whining! Quitcher whining!

Cause what does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
So knock it off!

It’s Saturday, and Peggy’s friends have come to play
And Peggy wants to use the Slip-N-Slide
She says, “Mom! Where’s my purple bathing suit?”
Mom says, “That’s it, everyone inside!”

When you whine at me, it makes me want to do
The opposite of what it is you want me to
So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do
Quit whining! Quitcher whining!

Cause what does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
So knock it off!

It’s bedtime, and we gotta brush our teeth
And my toothbrush falls under the sink, way underneath
I say, “Mom, would you kindly help me get my toothbrush, please?”
And Mom says, “Why certainly!”

When you’re polite with me, it makes me want to do
Just exactly what it is you want me to
So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do
Ask politely! And quitcher whining!

Cause what does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
So knock it off!

What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
So knock it off! And be polite!
Before I get mad… and maybe throw something…
And that would be bad… so quitcher whining! Quitcher whining!

© 2006 Steve Goodie ASCAP



I JUST WANT TO HELP

Well it’s time for me to start helping out around the house
I can polish silverware cause I’m a big boy now
So I’m standing at the sink scrubbing off the stains
Mom says, “Don’t push that button!” “Oops, spoon down the drain”
“No… is there something you can help your father do?
I’ll be clearing this disposal all afternoon”

But I, I just wanted to help
Mom, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself
Just want you to know that you can lean on me
Why don’t you sit down and rest for a spell
I just want to help
I just want to help

Dad’s in the driveway, fixing the car
Hey, I’ll help change the oil, pass that funnel over h’yar
And I’m pouring in the oil, and I lose my footing
It splatters ol’ Dad like a bunch of fudge pudding
That’s a bummer Dad, I think Mom needs me again
I can hear her inside, doing some vacuuming

And I, I just wanted to help
Dad, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself
Just want you to know that you can count on me
I can help you do that job so well
I just want to help
Yeah I just want to help

Vacuum cleaner’s in the corner, Mom’s on the phone
She’ll be so surprised I did this big job all alone
Wow! What was that? “Oh my, oh lord”
Our vacuum just ate our computer cord
“Steven, be a dear, and go out and play
If you help me any more, I’ll be here all day”

But I, I just wanted to help
Mom, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself
Just want you to know you can depend on me
I’m not living in no hotel
I just want to help
Yeah, I just want to help

And I appreciate, and your attitude is great
But when your help doesn't help, I'd rather do it myself
What??

But I, I just wanted to help
You shouldn’t have to do it all yourself
Just want you to know you can depend on me
I’m reliable, can’t you tell
I just want to help
I just want to help
I just want to help
I just want to help

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



I DON’T WANNA GO TO BED

It’s 9 o’clock, time for bed, gotta put my toys away
“Brush your teeth, wash your face,” that’s what they always say
“Young man, this is a school night, and you know what time it is
You must be fresh for fractions, and your social studies quiz”

But I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed
It isn’t fair, it’s just not right
There’s so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you
All the cool stuff happens at night

I’m in my kangaroo jammies, with the great big pouch
I’d rather be wearing daddy’s shirt, hanging out on the couch
“All my friends stay up late!” I’m pleading my case
“Well they get As and Bs and eat the veggies on their plates”

But I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed
It isn’t fair, it’s just not right
There’s so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you
Bedtime is for boys with no life

Mom and Dad tuck me in, and hug me chin to chin
I say “let’s stop this kissyface, turn on Nickelodeon!
Or Aladdin again, or teach my Slinky how to walk”
That should keep us busy till two or three o’clock

I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed
It isn’t fair, it’s just not right
I’m not trying to stall, just wanna hang with y’all
And I’m really not sleepy tonight

I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed
It isn’t fair, it’s just not right
I’ve been napping all day, who needs to sleep anyway
Why don’t we play Monopoly all night?

“Can I have some water, father, can I have a cookie, mother?”
With my flashlight and a comic book, I’ll read under the covers
I can’t believe I fell asleep, they’re shaking me awake
Is it morning already? Oh Mom, give me a break!

I don’t wanna leave the bed, I don’t wanna leave the bed
It isn’t fair, it’s just not right
There’s nothing to do, I don’t wanna go to school
I just wanna lie in bed
I just wanna lie in bed
I just wanna lie in bed my whole life

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP




When Harry Met Charlie, 2005


GOBLET OF FIRE
A parody of "Paper In Fire" by John Mellencamp

Harry! Did you hear? They’re going to have the Tri-Wizard
contest instead of Quidditch this year! Care to put your
name in the hat?
Oh, Ron, you know Harry’s much too young to enter that.
Hermione, this contest’ll be the greatest thing ever! What
do you say, Harry?
I’m sure Harry is too sensible to try to fool Dumbledore and
the Goblet Of Fire…
Hermione! You’re positively…
...and Harry has more important things to think about, like
whether Voldemort is actually back…


He made the team, and boy it was a good one
When he chased after that snitch, he was such a flyer
But with the fourth year came a new competition
When his name came out of that Goblet Of Fire

Goblet Of Fire, said he’s a champion
Goblet Of Fire, how did his name get in
He didn’t want to play, but he’s playin’ anyway
Though everyone is older, dang Goblet Of Fire

First he faced a dragon, with no help from no one
And then he had to swim, that’s what the second task required
But that maze was bad, it went on forever
And he saw old Voldemort in that Goblet Of Fire

Goblet Of Fire, said he’s a champion
Goblet Of Fire, now look at the mess he’s in
Portkey in the maze, took him so far away
To Voldemort’s soldiers, dang Goblet Of Fire

Ah, Harry… I expected you’d find your way back to me in time…
My Lord, there are two boys!
And now there is one… for the moment… I have risen again…
Yes my lord… welcome back, my lord…
Silence, faithless cowards! And now… Harry Potter… you will
finally get what you should have gotten fifteen years ago!
Expelliarmus!
Avada Kedavara!
You’re doing just fine Harry…
Hold on, Harry…


He fought the good fight, though no one believes him
There’s no celebration, no they call him a liar
’Cause a champion’s dead, though Harry retrieved him
Man, a lot of bad stuff went down, in that Goblet Of Fire

Goblet Of Fire, You-Know-Who’s among the graves
Goblet Of Fire, still workin’ his evil ways
Who’s to say the way the monster got away
He keeps on gettin’ bolder, dang Goblet Of Fire

Goblet Of Fire, Moody’s been in his trunk
Goblet Of Fire, Skeeter’s some kind of ladybug
Nobody’s who they say they are on their resumé
It’s all on Harry’s shoulders, dang Goblet Of Fire

Dumbledore, surely you don’t believe that this boy actually saw
He Who Must Not Be Named?

Not only do I believe him… I know that Voldemort has returned!

You are just stirring up trouble! I’ll have your job for this.

I’m not finished with you yet, Harry Potter…


© 2005 Steve Goodie



DUDLEY'S CRYIN'
A parody of "Jamie's Cryin'" by Van Halen

Hey, Harry! Come here, you little squirt… I never liked the
look of you. Why don’t you straighten your hair? You’re a
freak, you know that? And I hear that freaks should be
punched in the stomach at least once a day. Hey, put that
wand away! That’s no fair!

He was a bully all right, till his cousin Harry
Made him afraid to fight, that magic wand was so scary
It made him feel so mad…

Stop it! Stop! No!


Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’
Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’

Now Dudley’s pretty large, all right
He’s all beef and cheddar
Eats everything in sight
Holy cow, he’s a heifer
He thinks he’s real clever, yeah yeah
He’ll pick on any little kid whatsoever
He says gimme, gimme some more pork rinds
Till his clothes explode altogether

Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’
Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’

Now Dudley used to know the score, but not since Dumbledore
Made Harry a sorceror, with powers Dudley don’t understand

I’m not afraid of you Harry, you freak! You’re not allowed
to use that wand outside of school… Hey – hey! You’re not
supposed to – Please… not the wand… I’m sorry! I didn’t
mean it! Don’t hurt me! I’ll let you eat your own dinner,
I swear… and you can play with my Game Boy… and read
my comic books…


He wears a tent for a sweater, yeah yeah
And he’s got no manners whatsoever
He says mummy, isn’t it Christmas-time
Cause he knows she’ll buy him whatever

Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’

Ouch! That hurts! You’re mean!

Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’...

Ow! Stop it! Please turn my nose back into a nose, Harry! I
don’t want to walk around with a cabbage on my face! Please
Harry! I’ll give you back all your books, and I won’t snoop
in your room anymore, and I’ll tell Father to let you eat at
the table again. Ow! Please! Ow! Oh, no, I’ve grown
another tail! That’s two tails in two weeks, Harry! Be
reasonable! I never made you grow odd body parts. C’mon,
we can talk about this, can’t we? There must be something
you want. How about if I feed your owl for you? Yeah?
Cool? All right. What does she eat? What do you mean, my
dinner? She can’t have my dinner! Ow! Stop it, stop it!
Okay okay! She can have my dinner, but I get the dessert. OW!
All right, she can have the dessert too… Can eat one carrot? I
can? Oh, thank you Harry. You are very fair. I am humble
and grateful for my carrot.


© 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins



ROWLING MUST DELIVER
A parody of "Proud Mary" by Creedence Clearwater Revival

I’ve read every Harry Potter book at least five times!
I’ve seen every movie ten times!
Did you know that J.K. Rowling is a woman?
Duh! And it’s pronounced “Rolling…”
It is not!
It is too!
Why do they only release these books at midnight?
Samuel! Stop pushing those children. We will get the new books
when it's our turn!

I’ve read every book in the series
’Bout Harry and Hermione and Hagrid and Ron
But Rowling don’t write ’em, nearly fast enough
I need a lot more c’mon c’mon c’mon

Young readers keep returning
Big money you’ll be earning
Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver

You take way too long to complete ’em
I’ve read all the old ones a hundred times
And I’ve seen the movies, got nothing else to do, see
On the 16th of July I’ll be the first one in line

New stories keep on churning
Big money you’ll be earning
Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver

Mom! I thought you said J.K. Rowling would be here to sign my book!
Virginia, I never said that… I said…
Hermione! I told you to call me Hermione!


I got me a wand and a broomstick
And some glasses and an owl and a scar on my head
Now Rowling don’t you worry, you don’t gotta hurry
But you’re forcing me to read some old Tolkien instead

Big pages keep on turning
Big money you’ll be earning
Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver

© 2005 Steve Goodie



DUMBLEDORE
A parody of "Hardware Store" by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Nothing ever ever happens in this house
Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until an owl brought me the news

It said I was already enrolled
In a crazy magic school a thousand years old
So my uncle I told, “I quit this household”
And I laced up both my shoes

But he said “you’re not going anywhere
You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair
Your aunt and I, well we really don’t care
If you rot away in your room”

But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived
So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified
And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised
’Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom

I can't wait, no I can't wait
They say I’m gonna be a sorceror
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

On the train I met a guy named Ron
A red-headed kid and we really got along
Making stuff disappear with our magic wands
It was really really really really really really great

Then we met this girl, Hermione
Who knew every spell there is from A to Z
And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately
Old Malfoy showed his face

Mean kid who likes to make trouble
When he spots anybody related to a muggle
And he calls them names, so we’re gonna burst his bubble
Before this year is through

Now the coach has started slowing down
And I’m getting off the train and I’m looking all around
And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown
Can’t believe it’s coming true

I can't wait, no I can't wait
Hagrid open up that great big door
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor

Would you look at all of Dumbledore’s stuff…

He’s got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and
Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and
Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and
Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and

Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and
Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and
Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and
Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you’re feeling doomed and

Potions that’ll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly
Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape’s acidic sneer and
Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and
Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and

Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and
Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and
Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and
Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters

I can't wait, no I can't wait
I’m gonna get that evil Voldemort
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Voldemort

© 2005 Steve Goodie



THIS DUDE RON RON RON
A parody of "Da Doo Ron Ron Ron" by The Crystals

I met him on the train that takes the kids to school
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron
He’s got a whole bunch of siblings who are mostly cool
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

Yeah, he was just sitting there
Yeah, he had this bright red hair
And he didn’t care where I come from
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

He told me that he’d heard of me since he was three
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron
But he didn’t mind that I was a celebrity
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

Yeah, he treated me good
Yeah, just like a best friend should
And we’re both here in Gryffindor
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

I swear, I can’t decide if Harry is a worse influence on you, Ron,
or if you’re the bad influence on Harry!
Maybe it’s you, Hermione… did you ever think how much happier
we’d both be if you quit nagging us to study? C’mon Harry, let’s
go watch Moody turn Draco into a ferret again!


One day when we were talking on the castle lawn
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron
Draco started making fun of Ron’s poor mom
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

Yeah, he tried to pick a fight
And I was right there by Ron’s side, until
Moody made a rodent out of that Slytherin
For this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

He’s this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron
He’s this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron...

Can you believe Viktor crum is right over there?
Oh Ron… he’s just a boy…
Yeah, the boy who took you to the dance.
That’s what it says in all the papers… now we have
several celebrities amongst us…


© 2005 Steve Goodie



MAMAS, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES
GROW UP TO BE MALFOYS

A parody of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" by Willie Nelson

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Don’t let ’em be nasty or snotty or smug
Let ’em be Potters and Hagrids and such
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Don’t let ’em think that they run everything
Just because of their old wizard blood

Most wizards are easy to love, but some of ’em ain’t
Most of ’em are tons of fun, but some’s a big pain
Great big old egos and cold evil eyes
You can’t trust a thing that they say
If his name is Draco and he’s walkin’ by
You turn and you just walk away

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Don't let ’em pick fights, and drive other kids nuts
Let ’em be Weasleys and Grangers and such
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Cause when they get grown they can often be prone
To be real pains in the butt

Malfoys like picking on kids who are part-muggle born
They think they’re superior, but they’re woefully misinformed
They’re cold on the inside, they lean toward the dark side
They’re rotten old jerks to the core
For more on the subject, might I suggest
You check with their pal, Voldemort

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Don’t let ’em be creepy belligerent thugs
Let ’em drop dead, is that asking too much?
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Cause when they get grown they can often be prone
To be real pains in the butt

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Don’t let ’em be nasty or snotty or smug
Let ’em be Potters and Hagrids and such
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
That old Hogwarts school never saw such a...

© 2005 Steve Goodie



HERMIONE / FLY
A parody of "Her Majesty" by The Beatles, and a parody of "Fly" by Hilary Duff

Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, but she’s got an awful lot to say
Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, and she’ll be a witch someday
I tried to tell her that I love her a lot, but she turned me into a newt one time
Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, someday I’m gonna make her mine, oh yeah
And someday I’ll write a punchline

Harry Potter, feels a little strange
As he’s been growing older
He’s a wizard, which his family hates
He knows he’s so out of place

Then Hagrid came a-calling
Took Harry off to school
Now he’s got a wand and
And best of all, he can

Fly
Soaring up above the school so fast and far away
He can fly
Forget about his suffering and his muggle life
That boy can fly
Cause it’s his time
Time to fly

Those rotten Dursleys, you left them somewhere else
You’ve got Ron and me, Hermione, now
And when you study, you study magic spells
So much better than history now

The Quidditch Cup is calling
Can you win for Gryffindor?
You’re younger and smaller
But you can take it all

Fly
You know you’ve got the heart and moves and guts it takes to play
You can fly
Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids
And get that snitch
Cause it’s your time
Time to fly

And far and wide your name is known
It’s the price you have to pay
For beating Voldemort years ago
You fought him better than anyone else

Harry Potter, how your life has changed
Don’t you feel ten years older
Take a minute, try to acclimate
Let go of yesterday

Fly…
Soaring up above the school so fast and far away
You can fly…
Forget about your suffering and your muggle life
That boy can fly
Fly…
Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids
And get that snitch
Cause it’s your time
Time to fly

Harry Potter, feels a little strange

© 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo



WALK ON THE WONKA SIDE
A parody of "Walk On The Wild Side" by Lou Reed

How many toothpaste caps did you put on today, Dad?
Eight thousand and twelve.
Wow! That’s amazing. You must have made a ton of money!
You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
Come on Charlie… let your father rest…


Charlie came from nowhere, you might say
Couldn’t afford no chocolate bars, no way
Every day, just cabbage soup
While his dad was capping toothpaste tubes
He says, “Hey Dad, take a walk on the Wonka side”
He says, “Hey Dad, that Wonka’s a wild guy”

Happy birthday, Charlie!
Thanks, everybody!
Here’s your present, Charlie.
Is it chocolate?
You know it is! Go ahead, open it!
Okay… wow!


Candy came to Charlie just once a year
With nuts!
Though every day he walked past the chocolatier
“I gotta get a break,” he said
“Gotta get my grandpa out of bed”
He says “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side”
I said, “Hey Grandpa, I got a ticket inside”
And the little folks go,
Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp…

Grandpa! I won! Will you come with me to the chocolate factory, Grandpa?
Charlie, I haven’t been out of bed in twenty years…

So Grandpa Joe took Charlie to the factor-ay
I don’t even have any clothes!
Grandpa looked quite fetching in his negligee
There was chocolate here and chocolate there
And there’s Grandpa Joe in his underwear
He says “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side”
I said, “Hey Joe, gotta get on his good side”

Welcome everyone!
Look Grandpa!
It’s just amazing, Charlie, isn’t it?!
I want a grandpa, Daddy!


Augustus is just floating away
Oy…
And Violet has become a blueberr-ay
Mike is on a little TV
And Veruca’s a real bad nut indeed
They said, “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side”
I said, “Hey honey, that Wonka’s a wild guy”
And the little folks say,
Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp…

Grandpa, I don’t think Augustus should be drinking right out of the
chocolate river like that…
No, Charlie… I think he’s going to wind up swimming.
And right after eating! That can’t be good.
And what about that little girl who’s the size of a house?
I think she bit off more than she could chew.
She sure did!
Do you think Mike will be all right? He’s so small now.
Sure, a little TV exposure never hurt anyone. Look at Gary Coleman.


© 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo



WONKA GOLD
A parody of "Blvd. Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day

Chocolates! Cream filled, caramel covered marshmallow fudge delights!
Toffee, peanut brittle, lollipops, bubblegum, everything you want, right here!
What’s the matter young man? Don’t you like chocolate?


I’m just a lonely bloke, my parents got no cash, we’re always broke
Got my Grandpa Joe, but he just lays in bed, and we’re skin and bones

I can’t afford no sweets, there’s little chance that I will overeat
Until one lucky day, a ticket comes my way, and it’s Wonka gold
It’s Wonka gold, it’s Wonka gold
It’s Wonka gold, it’s Wonka

My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me
Marshmallow tarts’re among the things I’m eating
Sometimes I think of how I once was hungry
Till I found Wonka gold

Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka
Wonka, Wonka, Wonka

On the assembly line, Oompa Loompas work the overtime
They’re only two-foot-nine, and they all work for me cause I’m Wonka gold

The other kids declined to follow rules and read the warning signs
They went one at a time, and oh I’m still alive, and I’m Wonka gold
I’m Wonka gold, I’m Wonka gold
I’m Wonka gold, thanks Wonka

My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me
My fellow kids are gone and barely breathing
Sometimes I think of how I once was hungry
But now I’m Wonka gold

Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka
Wonka, Wonka, I’m Wonka gold, thanks Wonka

Where have all the children gone?
They all disappeared, Mr. Wonka.
All of them? Every last one?
All except Charlie – he’s still here.
Why yes, indeed he is! Four bad little children,
and one very good boy. And you know what that
means, don’t you?
What, Mr. Wonka? What does it mean?
You really don’t know? Why, of course…
how could you know? It means you win!


Veruca was a creep
Like Violet Beauregard and Mike TV
Augustus fell in deep
And I’m the one that’s left, thanks Wonka

My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me
We followed most of the rules and now we’ve beaten
All kinds of rotten kids who need reminding
That I’m on Wonka’s throne

Grandpa Joe, did you hear? I’m going to run the factory!
That’s right Charlie! It’s a miracle!
Look, Charlie… it’s all yours… everything you see…
the Chocolate Room, the Chocolate River, the whole
factory belongs to you. All the oompa loompas will
be working for you. Everyone in the world will know
your name, and your chocolate. You see, I couldn’t
trust an adult to take it over… adults ruin things. I
needed one very good boy, a boy I could trust to do
things my way… and that boy is you!


© 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo



VERUCA
A parody of "Luka" by Suzanne Vega

Famed chocolate-maker Willy Wonka has announced
that he has placed five “Golden Tickets” in candy bars
sold around the world. The lucky finders of these
Golden Tickets will win a tour of his mysterious
chocolate factory, and a lifetime’s supply of chocolate.
Daddy! Daddy! I want a Golden Ticket! Get me a
Golden Ticket!
A golden what?
A Golden Ticket!! A Golden Ticket!! Stop being so
stupid and get me a Golden Ticket!! NOW!!!


My name's Veruca
I am your superior
I live uptown from you
You’ve seen me in my Halston before
If I want something night or day
I ring a bell and I get my way
It doesn’t matter what I want
Daddy buys it, nice and prompt
Yes Daddy gives me what I want

I think I’m quite almighty
I don't have to fight the crowd
Daddy tells me I'm his princess
I get stuff when I get loud
I throw a fit and scream and cry
Eventually he will comply
He just don’t argue anymore
I want the whole stinkin’ candy store
So he just buys me more and more

Daddy! I want an oompa loompa!
Yes darling.
No! I want five oompa loompas!
Yes darling.
And I want a chocolate waterfall, and a pet
squirrel, and I want gum that tastes like
a five-course meal but doesn’t turn me
into a blueberry, and I want a whole garden
made out of candy where everything is edible…
Yes darling.


I heard Wonka say
Five kids would see his factory
So Daddy told his every employee
To find a golden ticket just for me
You see I plan to reign supreme
So “Daddy Daddy Daddy!!” I shriek and scream
Just don’t sit there, dawdling
Daddy call the limousine
Just go buy me everything

My name's Veruca
And you are far inferior
I have declared that you
Will do my will and bow to the floor
If you have something I don’t got
You hand it right over on the spot
Just don’t ask me what it’s for
It’s not your business anymore
Just keep on walking, there’s the door

I throw a fit and whine and pout
And scream, “Oh Daddy I want it NOW!”
You just don’t argue anymore
I want the whole stinkin’ candy store
You just don’t argue anymore
I want it more
Give it to me, give it to me, baby

I want it now, now now NOW!
Give it to me!
I want it, I want it!
I want a squirrel Daddy!
Buy me an oompa loompa! NOW!


© 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins



THIS FUDGE
A parody of "This Love" by Maroon 5

Hey, who’s that kid?
Dunno… I’ve never met him…
He doesn’t have any sweets.
That’s his bad luck, isn’t it?
Shh… here he comes…
Hi guys.
Hey… I heard all your grandparents sleep in one bed. Is that true?
Yeah.
Really?
See? You owe me five quid.


I was so poor I never could afford
The treats down at the candy store
The chocolate I was longing for
Then Mr. Wonka made the world aware
Five lucky, lucky kids out there
Would get a huge reward

This fudge obsesses me totally
I’ve been denied too many times before
And there’s one golden ticket that’s haunting me
But I can’t find it, cause I don’t have no cash at the store
Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh

For my birthday I got chocolate
For weeks I barely nibbled it
To conserve what I adore
Oh, but this year I went ahead and wolfed it down
Then I found a dollar on the ground
I turned around and got two more… and…

This fudge has a ticket of gold for me
It says that I will get the Wonka tour
And my eyes are popping right out of me
And I will rejoice, I’m not a passerby anymore
Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh

Don’t really understand
How I got to Wonka-land
There’s Oompa Loompas all around
(All around, all around)
I’ll go full-speed ahead
Get Grandpa out of bed
Today’s the day, they say
Willy Wonka’s giving everything away

This fudge maker’s giving control to me
He says he’s tired, he wants to hand it over
And my head is spinning with disbelief
Could I be the boy, who’s gonna run the factory, yeah

This fudge is gonna belong to me
He says it’s mine, it’s too much to absorb
And my heart is jumping all over me
I said, "okay, I guess I'll take this candy store"

This fudge obsesses me totally
I’d been denied too many times before
But this golden ticket stunt just paid off for me
I’ll be the boss, and I won’t have to cry anymore

© 2005 Steve Goodie



STEVE THE PIRATE
An original song about a hypochondriac pirate

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Steve.
Steve wanted to play pirates with his friends,
but he was sick all the time, and he couldn’t play.
So he vowed that when he grew up, and he wasn’t
sick anymore, that he would become a REAL pirate.
But as fate would have it …


When Steve was a young man he set out to sea
A swashbuckling pirate, he aspired to be
He was young, he was eager, he was stalwart and stout
But we'd no sooner put out from port then I threw my back out

Arrr! Blimey, ye hearties!
Where's Steve?
(and some more incomprehensible pirate noise)


Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to me
But no chiropractor he turned out to be
Arrr!
On that ship I could find no relief for my back
'Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack

Gimme that rum, ye lubber ye! Ye scallywag!
Smartly there, men!


Singin' yo ho, maybe Steve was mistaken
This is a voyage he shouldn't'a taken
Arrr! Arrr!
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me.

Shiver me timbers!
Fasten them jibs, ye...
Heave to! Heave three!


On the second day out, his misfortune did grow
Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo
Arrr! Arrr!
He sustained several bruises, he lost a gold crown
And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down

Don't get yer booty where ye get yer plunder!
Oy! Me mizzenmast! Ho!


He suffered all manner of infirmity
From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD
Arrr! Arrr!
He was bloated and moody, his skin was a mess.
If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS

Wait in the lookout!
Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko!


Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor
Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as Steve

He could not rob and pillage along with the crew
So, the captain he gave him some filing to do.
Arrr! Arrr!
But it did not take long till I did succumb
To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome

Steve! File this! Swab the poopdeck!

By the end of the week all me mateys could tell
Me career as a pirate wasn’t going too well
Arrr! Arrr!
Seems the crew took a vote when Steve wasn't around
And decided that no one would miss him too much if he drowned

Where's Steve?

Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits
If the captain finds out you’re allergic to parrots
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive,
compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as me/Steve

Oy, me mizzenmast! (again)
Ay carrumba!
(and some more incomprehensible pirate noise)


He escaped just in time, we are pleased to report
Though me plank-walkin’ fate I did barely abort
Steve washed out as a pirate upon the high seas
So now I confine all me pirating to MP3s

Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin’
When Britney Spears I was caught catalogin’
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately,
clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive,
compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as me/Steve

Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko!
Mashed potatoes are good with oatmeal!
(and some more incomprehensible pirate noise)
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone...


© 2005 Andy Corwin & Steve Goodie



SACHIO
A parody of "Domino" by Van Morrison

All right... here's a little R & B, a little soul,
for this cool kid I know, named Sachio...


You might just be the world’s best kid
And your age is about to change
You been two for a whole darn year now
And now you’re in pre-school range
But there’s no need to go hiding out
You’re so much smarter than the rest
And man you never need to worry
About being first or being best

Oh oh Sachio
You’re just turnin’ three years old
There you go
I said oh oh Sachio
I hope this song is appropos
I don’t know
I said oh oh Sachio
I said oh oh Sachio

Yeah, pretty cool riff, huh? Yeah, that's my favorite
part of the song so far. But wait! Here comes another verse!


You got so many friends
You got James and Nick and Abigail and that’s not all
And if you haven’t heard from me in a while
You just give old Uncle Steve a call
(Check with Dad first)
I’ll be over in two minutes
We’ll watch Scoob and Shaggy and the whole gang
And if we get all loud and crazy, hey, man
That ain’t no big thang
(Check with Mom)

Oh oh Sachio
I can’t believe you’re three years old
There you go
I said oh oh Sachio
Seems just last week you were an embryo
I don’t know, where's the time go
I said oh oh Sachio
I said oh oh Sachio

I just wanna, I just wanna,
I said I just wanna come over and play with you
Oh Sachio
Oh Sachio
Oh Sachio
Ah ah all right
Ah ah all right
All right, yeah, yeah, Sachio, could you show me how to work this
new video game? I cannot figure this out at all. I must be --
I don't -- oh man, you win again! You always win, so smart!
I can't play with you no more. Well, maybe later, after
the trumpets play this thing here. Now! One more game,
real quick, before the song ends. Okay, go. Ready. Oh
wait, wait, hold on, ,oh, you win again! So smart... I
don't know where you get that...


© 2005 Steve Goodie



BIRTHDAY MUNKY
An original song about my pet munky! (the one I wish I had!)

Yeah I’ve got a birthday munky, I’m three and he is too
He likes to eat his birthday cake and fling his birthday poo
Scooby Doo’s his favorite, he likes to chase the ghosts
He likes to dance in underpants and dig around his nose

Birthday munky fling it! Birthday munky fling it!
Birthday munky fling your poo!
Got to have a banana, got to have a banana
Got to have a banana

My munky knows karate, I go to movies free
And if somebody won’t shut up he kicks some munky butt
Oh I’ve got a birthday munky, won’t take him to the zoo
He’d rather spend my birthday kicking butt and flinging poo

Birthday munky kick it! Birthday munky kick it!
Birthday munky kick his butt!
Birthday munky fling it! birthday munky fling it!
Fling your favorite birthday poo
Got to have a banana, got to have a banana
Got to have a banana

Yeah I’ve got a birthday munky, he’s got a microphone
He goes to karaoke and does "Like A Rolling Stone"
He buys a round of pizza, some pretzels and root beer
And when he's done his diaper's on somebody else's rear

Got to have a banana, got to have a banana
Got to have a banana
Fling your poo

© 2005 Burpo & Steve Goodie


Greatest Kids' Hits, 2004


QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD
A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who

Is that Harry Potter over there?
Yes, it is!
Right, our new celebrity.
There's the new boy.
Did you see his scar?
I did - it's amazing!
I heard he can break the sound barrier on that broom.
Gerroff!
Couldn't be!
Yes, he can!

Harry, you're the first first-year on the Quidditch team
in over a hundred years! That's amazing!
You're the best Seeker we've had in centuries!
Oh dry up - he's not so big!


Ever since I've been at Hogwarts
I played the Quidditch ball
Flying on my broomstick
I'd hardly ever fall
But I ain't seen nothing like him
Flying over castle walls
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

I've never seen anyone fly like that!
And he's just a first-year!
Must be that Harry Potter!


He began as a nephew
Of muggles who were mean
Living in a cupboard
Until Hagrid intervened
No he ain't got no parents
They were killed when he was small
But that messed-up left-behind kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Hermione, how can Harry possibly see that tiny golden snitch from way up there?
It's fantastic!


Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard
He has to find the snitch
Quidditch ball wizard
He's a speedy son of a witch

How does he stand those muggles?
I don't know
I don't think I could

For all of his infractions
He should be expelled
His cloak's the latest fashion
Cause it's invisible
Always gets away with it
Even fools McGonagall
That living-on-borrowed-time kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Harry needs to buckle down and study. How does he expect
to get through his first year, breaking all those rules?


I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king
But they just handed that
Quidditch cup to him

Hey Harry, let's go see what's on the third floor, shall we?
Stop! You can't just go sneaking around the castle at night!
You'll cost Gryffindor a hundred points!
Oh no we won't!
Oh yes you will! And that's just what Draco Malfoy wants!


'Round here they call me Draco
And I should be the best
Hermione's a genius
But Ron beats her at chess
Hagrid raises dragons
But Harry tops us all
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Awww... I can't believe Slytherin lost to Gryffindor!
I'll get you Harry Potter... I'll get you good...


© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo



IT SAW HER STANDING THERE
A parody of "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles

And how many mudbloods have been petrified so far,
Mr. Potter?
A-one-two-three-FOUR!
Harry Potter, sir, you must not return to Hogwarts...
it is much too dangerous!


Well there's a snake, slithering
Below the girls' latrine
And I'm afraid to look, at the fatal monster's stare
But my pal's in a trance, with three others, oh
Cause it saw her standing there

You see apparently, my friend Hermione
Has been turned to stone, she's way beyond repair
So I took a chance, way down under, oh
Cause it saw her standing there

Serves her right!
Shut up, Draco!

Well my heart went boom, when I found that room
And I held my hand over my eyes
Hello, Harry... I'm Tom Riddle.
AND I'm Lord Voldemort!!


Oh I stabbed two snakes that night
Cause You Know Who ain't all that bright
He thought he was strong, but now he's not so sure
Yeah he's a nuisance, who killed my mother, oh
Till I saw him standing there

You two set up a distraction, I just need five minutes.
Ready with the firework, then, Harry?
I'd follow the spiders if I wanted to find something out.
Spiders? Ewww... I hate spiders!
Oh really?
Listen, if you were hugging your teddy bear, and it
suddenly turned into a huge, hairy, nasty, eight-legged beast,
you might not like spiders very well, either.
I suppose not.

Well I felt so doomed, that I dropped my broom
But then that red bird landed just in time

Dumbledore sent you a bird to help defeat me?!

Oh the whole thing worked out great
And now Hermione's wide awake
And before too long I'll be a full wizard
I'm head of my class here at Hogwarts, oh
Cause I saw it standing there
Dobby is free!
Oh since I saw it standing there
You lost me my servant, boy!
Yeah well since I saw it standing there
Thank you Harry Potter sir!
Dobby thanks you and thanks you!

Make no mistake... I'll still get you Harry Potter...
Oh yes!


© 2001 Steve Goodie





HARRY'S WAND
A parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains Of Wayne

Mummy! Harry's picking on me again with his magic!
Vernon! That wicked boy has done it again!


Harry's gone, he used his magic wand
Yeah he's gone, he knows he don't belong

Harry cannot do magic outside school (that's the rule)
He has to take all his cousin Dudley's ridicule (that big sack of poo)
And then Aunt Marge runs her mouth, and Harry slips (gives her some lip)
He turns her into a blimp, and the punishment fits (solar eclipse)

You know he's not the little boy he's supposed to be
Now he's a wizard with a temper and a magic legacy

Harry's gone, he used his magic wand
He's wizard-born, he's been waiting for so long
His muggle family don't approve of sorcery
He waved his magic wand and where oh where has Harry gone

Harry's gone, he used his magic wand
Yeah he's gone, don't try and correspond
Dudley's mom don't know what's going on
This phenomenon is beyond her lexicon

Harry do you remember, Sirius Black? (I hear he's back)
He helped Voldemort whack your parents way way back (helped the maniac)
Well Harry rumor has it that he's made an escape (could it be a mistake?)
And somehow the prison didn't get it on video tape (can he change his shape?)

I know you try to hide your worry but you're really freaked
If he could kill your mom and dad then you are probably dead meat

The chase is on, he's out of Azkaban
All those dementors couldn't hold him for so long
Harry can't you see your life's in jeopardy
Hermione and Ron say you should work on Lupin's charm

Oh, Mr. Potter... I fear for your very life!
Watch out Potter... it's a big bad Dementor!
Malfoy, you're such a piece of -
Ron!
And that Hagrid - a professor? He's pathetic!
Draco, you son of a -
Ow!
Yeah, Hermione... nice one!


Harry's mom she bought it early on (very early on)
But Black didn't do it, no they've got it all wrong (all wrong)
Hey Hermione we gotta change reality
You've done it all year long, now help old Harry

Harry's wand... Crookshanks! (he's got 'em all disarmed)
Harry's wand... Scabbers! (yeah Harry did it)
Sirius can't you see Harry's got the remedy
You almost bought the farm, but you didn't thanks to Harry's wand

© 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and FOW ASCAP



I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA
Shrek 2 Version

A parody of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin

Yeah, that's right, I'm Ricky Martin,
and I will never go broke, a ha ha!


I was a pop sensation
I sang this song back in '99
But then Shrek 2 swept the nation
And I got left behind

Girls used to scream my name out
Ricky please autograph my page
But now a donkey's got my gig
And a cat's got me upstaged
Man that Puss 'N' Boots is outrageous!

I'm on my way out
I live in a a green Toyota
I can't go further down
All because of that stinky ogre
With cash flow in the red
I didn't save one iota
The money has run out
So I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

Hey, you wanna get this piece of junk off my lawn?
You don't talk to me like that!
Don't tell me how to talk, move your stupid car!
I am a big big star, and you you you shut up!
Shut up! No you shut up!
No you shut up!


Woke up in New York City
With my back against a wall
Where's my house, where's my money
That green ogre got it all

Way back in the nineties
I was at the height of fame
But someone ruined my career
And now I'm naming names
Bandaras is to blame
Come on!

I'm on my way out

I can't afford diet soda
I can't go further down
I'm moving to South Dakota
With cash flow in the red
As that ogre gets in-vogue-er
The money has run out
I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

Hello, Mama? I need some money, please!
I have no place to go and nothing to eat...
Por favor Mama...!


Girls used to beg to date me
And they'd hang around backstage
But now they see me on the street
And stare like I'm in a cage
Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on)

I'm on my way out
I 'm beginning to look like Yoda
I can't go further down
I'm a Latin Quasimoda
With cash flow in the red
I'm chillin' with Abe Vigoda
The money has run out
So I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

You're my manager, get me a job!
Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do?
I can sing...
No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do?
Can you type?
No I cannot type, but I can dress up in a cute little cat suit...
All right, that's it - get out of my office!
I would look so good with little furry ears!
No, get out!
Here kitty kitty kitty...

Corolla
Whoa, green Toyota
A rusted-out '82 green Toyota
Yeah you heard that right, it's my house


© 2001-2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal and R. Rosa/D. Child



I WANNA BE THAT MOOSE

My girl has a moose on her bike
He’s a little brown puppet that she really likes
And they ride along, together everywhere
Yeah they ride to school, and they ride to the store, oh boy
And I never ever thought I’d be jealous of a little stuffed toy, but....

I want to be that moose
I want to be that moose
Yeah it sounds real stupid but you know it’s true
I want to be that moose
I want to be that moose
If I could be anything I choose, I’d be that moose

That little moose has it real sweet
Cruising right down each and every street
Yeah he rides along, keeps an eye on the map
Oh he guards the bike, day and night, that’s right
And that little stuffed muppet is living the perfect life, oh oh oh…

I want to be that moose
I want to be that moose
Gotta find out how they were introduced
I want to be that moose
I want to be that moose
I hope I don’t sound obtuse, I want to be that moose

Well one afternoon I saw him crying
Down by the moose lodge
Cause every night she leaves him alone on the bike
No he’s never ever gotten beyond the garage
So I think I’d rather be me than him
Rather be me, rather be me
Cause I can ask her out, and maybe she’ll ask me in, no no no…

Don’t want to be that moose
Don’t want to be that moose
Cause living on a bike, well, what’s the use
Don’t want to be that moose
Don’t want to be that moose
I’d rather be a platypus, than be that moose

Yes yes, you’re gonna lose that moose
Yes yes, you’re gonna lose that moose


© 2002-2004 Steve Goodie



BEDWETTER
A parody of "Love Letter" by Bonnie Raitt

Hey! Honey! There's a letter from Ashley!
Oh great! I hope she's having a good time.

Dear Mom, I can't stand it here! Seriously, Mom...
this place is full of rats, and there was a
tornado last night... please come get me! I'll
clean my room every day, and walk the dog...


They send me off to summer camp, they say it's lots of fun
I ask for the upper bunk, but I get the bottom one

So I'm lying in my lower bunk, I tell myself it doesn't matter
That the kid above me drank a lot, and I'm right below a full bladder

Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks
Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks

Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long
I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter
With my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat

Hope you get this letter Mom, they won't let me use the phone
It's wet in this bottom bunk, if this is camp then I'm coming home

Get on the bus, bus comes to camp
Camp takes four weeks, four weeks I'm getting damp
Oh, no weenie roast, oh, no marshmallows
I'm lying in the dark, wishing for an umbrella

Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long
I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter
I got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat

And this big girl named Flufferpuff hit me
with a soccer ball and knocked the wind out
of me... And she wets the bed!!! GROSS!!
Please Mom... please... I'm begging you... please
come get me, and I'll visit Grandma and do
the dishes and vacuum the entire house and
practice the piano...


Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks
Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks

Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long
I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter
Got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat

© 1992 Steve Goodie and Bonnie Raitt ASCAP



SARA

I know this girl who’s real real cool
She’s the star of the neighborhood and soon the pre-school
She’s friendly and cheerful all the day through
Everyone likes her, and you would too
That’s Sara, the best little girl ever

Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play
You’re best the best part of a really great day
Oh Sara, when you give me a smile
I could walk a mile with no shoes
Cause you’re my friend too

She won’t yell in the house, she won’t throw her stuff
She gets real real quiet when Mom says, “That’s enough!”
And everybody wants to be her friend
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
That’s Sara, the best little girl ever

Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play
You’re best the best part of a really great day
Oh Sara, when you sing me a song
I want to sing along with you
Cause you’re my friend too

Sara’s the best, with the best little dogs
One named Toby and the other named Roz
She’s cuter than a potato knish
She takes care of Sachio and a fish named Fish
She loves SpongeBob, and Aladdin makes her giggle
Loves Lilo and Stitch, ha ha, and The Wiggles
With Trinity and Annabel and Tommy and Max
And Lila and Denise and Christina and Daniel
Hey that didn’t rhyme, I bet you noticed that
I guess you better bop me with a wiffleball bat
No no, wait, don’t do that! Don’t make Daddy mad
Bopping people with a wiffleball bat is very bad
And Sara knows that, cause her mudda and her fadda
Would rather she smile and say, Hakuna Matada

Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play
You’re best the best part of a really great day
Oh Sara, when you sing me a song
I want to sing along with you
Cause you’re my friend

Sara, Sara, come out and play
You’re best the best part of a really great day
Oh Sara, when you give me a smile
I could walk a mile with no shoes
Cause you’re my friend too

© 2002 Steve Goodie



BUY MY COOKIES

Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads…
Start your engines!

It’s that time of year…
You see us coming out of the minivans
Wearing our cute little uniforms
And we’ve got boxes, lots of boxes
You know the boxes
You know what I’m talking about!
308, 308, 308 is so darn great!


I want to go to summer camp,
I would like to earn a bike
The pretty pink one!
There are plenty of prizes in the catalog
I know I'd really like
I want that, I want that, I want that!
You see me a-boppin' down your street
You pretend that you're not home
Pretend that you're on the telephone
Hey I'll kick your screen door down
Buy my cookies, buy my cookies
Guitar!

I'm bringing my little brother
Got my mom driving the van
You have no flippin' out idea
How serious I am
If those brats living on the hill
Beat me this time I swear
I'll T.P. your entire house
And I'll pull out my own hair
Ow!
Buy my cookies, buy my cookies

Now I know you've got your excuses
Oh, I'm sorry,
You've caught me without my checkbook
Oops!
I just started Jenny Craig
Look here Lola...
I see what you've got in that shopping bag.
And it's not cottage cheese!


Remember that I’m nine years old
I’ll outlive all you all
I’ll hunt you down every street
I’ll chase you through the mall
I’ve got eye of the tiger, baby
I know what I need
While you waddle into your SUV
This Girl Scout’s built for speed

Buy my cookies, buy my cookies
I’m begging you, buy my cookies
You better buy ‘em
Please buy my cookies
Just one box, just one box
Just, just, just one box, one box
What? One of each?
Uh huh…
Wow!
Uh huh… uh huh!
We see what you’re made of
Folding like a house of cards
C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
I guess I could bring ‘em by…
P is for pushy, that’s good enough for me
Oh yeah, we have plenty, uh huh, uh huh
P is for pushy


© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP



POOP ON THAT

My stupid little brother's in my stuff again
He's wearing my brand new hat
I went and told Mom, she didn't do nothin', well
Poop on that

My stupid older sister got a baseball glove
And a brand new aluminum bat
I got a dictionary made for Scrabble, well
Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop on that

I said, "Hey mom, can we get a dog?"
But my little sister wanted a cat
Well guess what happened, I'm cleaning the litterbox
Poop on that

My stupid old teacher gave me so much homework
Cause I put some gum where he sat
It took me ten hours, and then the cat ate it, well
Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop on that

Poop solo!

Tommy likes Suzie better than me
I heard him say that I'm too fat
And then his mom took them to 31 Flavors, well
Poop on that

Grandma came by for a little visit
She was bossing me in no time flat
Now she says she's staying all summer, well...
All summer... for the love of pete...
July... how will I endure?
Come kiss Grandma!!

Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poopy doop
Cha cha cha

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



THE PAJAMAS OF MY MIND

No one really understands
How bedtime rescues me
The only math I ever do
Is when I’m counting sheep

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

Hot chocolate swims around me
I’m fluffy flying free, fluffy
I’m a floating marshmallow
In my jammies with the feet

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

The pajamas of my mind
Wishing makes it mine
I’m blowing hopscotch bubbles
I’m frittering my time

The pajamas of my mind
Grownups wait in line
I’m flying purple roller blades
I’m frittering my time
The pajamas of my mind
Ahhhh

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

Solitary mind, solitary mind
Hari krishna, krishna krishna
Hari hari

Oo oh gee I'm sorry
Would you like to play Atari
Not even in Tucumcari
For Halloween I'm Mata Hari
Like my dad's brand new Ferrari
I voted for Marion Bar-ry
Who drives a '94 Volare
He's a cracker jack
There's no such thing as a '94 Volare
They stopped making 'm in '79
Creative license
Mine has been revoked!
I'm not just a rock star,
I'm an artist!
I'm not just Mayor McCheese,
I'm a cultural i-con-vict
I'm not an actor,
But I play one on TV
I'm not a headphone,
But I am stuck in your ear
Don't hate me because I'm pitiful
There goes a guitar down the street
My name is Luca
Choo choo!
Like almond rooca
Hey, bull...


© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



TALK IN ESPANOL

Muffin, we better practice if we’re gonna get our
Spanish-speaking merit badge!
That’s right everybody! Spanish class is in session!


We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol

Can you say hola?
Hola!
Como esta?
Como esta!
Taco?
Taco!
Chalupa?
Chalupa!
That’s very very very good…
Talk in Espanol!


That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #1

That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol, oh yeah
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #2

That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol (even the dog)
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #3

Ba la la la, La Bamba
Ba la la la, La Bamba
Say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay
Ba la La Bamba
Ba la La Bamba
Ba la La Bamba
Chalupa…

© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP





QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD - live
A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who

Ever since I've been at Hogwarts
I played the Quidditch ball
Flying on my broomstick
I'd hardly ever fall
But I ain't seen nothing like him
Flying over castle walls
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

He began as a nephew
Of muggles who were mean
Living in a cupboard
Until Hagrid intervened
No he ain't got no parents
They were killed when he was small
But that messed-up left-behind kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard
He has to find the snitch
Quidditch ball wizard
He's a speedy son of a witch

How does he stand those muggles?
I don't know
I don't think I could

For all of his infractions
He should be expelled
His cloak's the latest fashion
Cause it's invisible
Always gets away with it
Even fools McGonagall
That living-on-borrowed-time kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king
But they just handed that
Quidditch cup to him

'Round here they call me Draco
And I should be the best
Hermione's a genius
But Ron beats her at chess
Hagrid raises dragons
But Harry tops us all
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP


Hey Hey Howdy, It's Girlband! 2001

SLUMBER PARTY

Hey we’re Girlband!
Rockin’ Brownie troop 308!
Put on your PJs and your bunny slippers,
Cause everyone’s invited to a slumber party!


Hey hey howdy, be my friend
Come on over and let's pretend
We're superheroes who've got a band that rocks

Hey hey howdy, let's wiggle till
Our tongues fall out and our bladders spill
Let's have ourselves a killer pillow fight

And we'll all jump on the bed
We'll all jump on the bed
We'll all jump on the bed until we barf

It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party
My brother's away at military school!
It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party
I made the onion dip!
It's fun it's fun we won't let anyone
Go to sleep, don't go to sleep

Hey hey howdy, potato chips
Braid you hair with glitter clips
Smother up your bubble lips with gloss

Hey hey howdy, we'll make some noise
No cooties from no stinky boys
If you see one then feed him poison rocks

And we'll all jump on the bed
We'll all jump on the bed
We'll all jump on the bed until we barf

It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party
Don't eat that, that's not peanut butter!
It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party
C'mon, somebody paint my toenails!
It's fun it's fun we won't let anyone
Go to sleep, don't go to sleep

Hey hey howdy
Oh hey hey howdy
I said hey hey howdy

© 2001 Burpo ASCAP



BUY MY COOKIES

Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads…
Start your engines!

It’s that time of year…
You see us coming out of the minivans
Wearing our cute little uniforms
And we’ve got boxes, lots of boxes
You know the boxes
You know what I’m talking about!
308, 308, 308 is so darn great!


I want to go to summer camp,
I would like to earn a bike
The pretty pink one!
There are plenty of prizes in the catalog
I know I'd really like
I want that, I want that, I want that!
You see me a-boppin' down your street
You pretend that you're not home
Pretend that you're on the telephone
Hey I'll kick your screen door down
Buy my cookies, buy my cookies
Guitar!

I'm bringing my little brother
Got my mom driving the van
You have no flippin' out idea
How serious I am
If those brats living on the hill
Beat me this time I swear
I'll T.P. your entire house
And I'll pull out my own hair
Ow!
Buy my cookies, buy my cookies

Now I know you've got your excuses
Oh, I'm sorry,
You've caught me without my checkbook
Oops!
I just started Jenny Craig
Look here Lola...
I see what you've got in that shopping bag.
And it's not cottage cheese!


Remember that I’m nine years old
I’ll outlive all you all
I’ll hunt you down every street
I’ll chase you through the mall
I’ve got eye of the tiger, baby
I know what I need
While you waddle into your SUV
This Girl Scout’s built for speed

Buy my cookies, buy my cookies
I’m begging you, buy my cookies
You better buy ‘em
Please buy my cookies
Just one box, just one box
Just, just, just one box, one box
What? One of each?
Uh huh…
Wow!
Uh huh… uh huh!
We see what you’re made of
Folding like a house of cards
C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
I guess I could bring ‘em by…
P is for pushy, that’s good enough for me
Oh yeah, we have plenty, uh huh, uh huh
P is for pushy


© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP



POOP ON THAT

My stupid little brother's in my stuff again
He's wearing my brand new hat
I went and told Mom, she didn't do nothin', well
Poop on that

My stupid older sister got a baseball glove
And a brand new aluminum bat
I got a dictionary made for Scrabble, well
Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop on that

I said, "Hey mom, can we get a dog?"
But my little sister wanted a cat
Well guess what happened, I'm cleaning the litterbox
Poop on that

My stupid old teacher gave me so much homework
Cause I put some gum where he sat
It took me ten hours, and then the cat ate it, well
Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop on that

Poop solo!

Tommy likes Suzie better than me
I heard him say that I'm too fat
And then his mom took them to 31 Flavors, well
Poop on that

Grandma came by for a little visit
She was bossing me in no time flat
Now she says she's staying all summer, well...
All summer... for the love of pete...
July... how will I endure?
Come kiss Grandma!!

Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poopy doop
Cha cha cha

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



THE PAJAMAS OF MY MIND

No one really understands
How bedtime rescues me
The only math I ever do
Is when I’m counting sheep

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

Hot chocolate swims around me
I’m fluffy flying free, fluffy
I’m a floating marshmallow
In my jammies with the feet

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

The pajamas of my mind
Wishing makes it mine
I’m blowing hopscotch bubbles
I’m frittering my time

The pajamas of my mind
Grownups wait in line
I’m flying purple roller blades
I’m frittering my time
The pajamas of my mind
Ahhhh

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

Solitary mind, solitary mind
Hari krishna, krishna krishna
Hari hari

Oo oh gee I'm sorry
Would you like to play Atari
Not even in Tucumcari
For Halloween I'm Mata Hari
Like my dad's brand new Ferrari
I voted for Marion Bar-ry
Who drives a '94 Volare
He's a cracker jack
There's no such thing as a '94 Volare
They stopped making 'm in '79
Creative license
Mine has been revoked!
I'm not just a rock star,
I'm an artist!
I'm not just Mayor McCheese,
I'm a cultural i-con-vict
I'm not an actor,
But I play one on TV
I'm not a headphone,
But I am stuck in your ear
Don't hate me because I'm pitiful
There goes a guitar down the street
My name is Luca
Choo choo!
Like almond rooca
Hey, bull...


© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



MY BROTHER’S COMING BACK

Things had been terrible
They’d just been terrible
But things are looking up
Yah they’re looking up

He’d gotten a scholarship
He’d gotten a scholarship
Cause he can swish and dunk
Can he swish and dunk

He’d been away too long
But now he’s coming home
My brother’s coming back to town, to town
To town, to town

When bullies pulled my ponytail
Bullies pulled my ponytail
My brother beat ’em up
Yeah he beat ’em up

He tried to teach our dog to dance
Tried to teach our dog to dance
But then he gave that up
Yeah he gave that up

He’d been away too long
But now he’s coming home
My brother’s coming back to town, to town
To town, to town

He’s got a moustache now
He’s got a moustache now
It’s not too thick in spots
Not too thick in spots

He still drinks all the milk
He still drinks all the milk
He drinks straight from the box
Yeah straight from the box

He’d been away too long
But now he’s coming home
My brother’s coming back, I said
My brother’s coming back, I said
My brother’s coming back to town, to town
To teach that dog to dance
Town, to town
He still drinks all the milk
Town, to town
It’s not too thick in spots
Spots

© 2001 Burpo ASCAP



PINKY SWEAR

Summertime comes to a close
Time to pack away our summer camp stuff
And go with our mommies home
We've made friends
And now it's time to say with a tear
In our little old eye...
"Bye bye, my friend, good bye bye."


I wanted you to be the very last to sign my shirt
Though you’re wet from water bombs I’d still give you a hug
There’s still punch and popsicles but I’m not hungry now
Everyone should know that nothing ever has to change

You live over by the hills so
You’ll go to a different Junior High
Over there

Pinky swear you’ll still come over almost every day
Pinky swear that we’re the best of friends
If you moved to Cucamonga I would write to you
I pinky swear it’s true

© 2001 Burpo ASCAP



MS. G

Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G
Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G

Pick me, Ms. G
I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep
Pick me, Ms. G
I’d give up half my Pokemon if you’ll play on our team

My favorite book’s the one you always read to me
The Harry Potter one, that’s got the chimpanzee
I wish all of my free time, was just you and me time

Pick me, Ms. G
I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep
Pick me, Ms. G
I’d give up half my Pokemon if you’ll play on our team

But then on summer break you go away
Do you live in the cabinet, do you live in your jeep
Do you have to listen when your mom says go to sleep
I watch TV till I can hardly see
But I’d rather hang around your desk
And watch you grade our sheets

Pick me, Ms. G
I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep
Pick me, Ms. G
I’d give up half my Pokemon if you’ll play on our team

Who is the teacher that is really cool
Who makes you want to do well in school (not me)
Who teaches readin’ and writin’ and stuff (I know)
Who says “Good morning, Flufferpuff”


Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G
Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G
All right, here I’m waving my hand, Ms. G, Ms. G!
I know, I know, I know the answer! Pick me! Pick me Ms. G!!

Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G
Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G

© 2001 Burpo ASCAP



TALK IN ESPANOL

Muffin, we better practice if we’re gonna get our
Spanish-speaking merit badge!
That’s right everybody! Spanish class is in session!


We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol

Can you say hola?
Hola!
Como esta?
Como esta!
Taco?
Taco!
Chalupa?
Chalupa!
That’s very very very good…
Talk in Espanol!


That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #1

That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol, oh yeah
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #2

That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol (even the dog)
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #3

Ba la la la, La Bamba
Ba la la la, La Bamba
Say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay
Ba la La Bamba
Ba la La Bamba
Ba la La Bamba
Chalupa…

© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP



TRAINING BRA

Oh Mom, why can’t I have one
I’ll take good care of it, I swear
Oh Mom, why can’t I be like everyone
All my friends are set up there

Training bra, I want a training bra
Get me a training bra, I need a training bra
Training bra, I want a training bra
Get me a training bra, I need a training bra…

Oh Mom, how come I’m so slow
I’m almost nine and a half
Oh Mom, how come I don’t grow
In the brownie troop everyone laughs

Training bra, you need a training bra
Go get a training bra, a little a training bra
Training bra, you need a training bra
Sears makes training bra, a little training bra…

You’re much too young
But I want one, oh…

Training bra, I want a training bra
Get me a training bra, I need a training bra
Training bra, I want a training bra
Get me a training bra, I need a training bra

Training bra, I want a training bra
I need a training bra, get me a training bra
Training bra, I want a training bra
A lacy training bra, get me a training bra

Training bra, I want a training bra
Just like my ma
Get me a training bra, I need a training bra
With lace on top
Training bra, I want a training bra
Just like my ma
Get me a training bra
I need a training, I’m tired of explaining
Training bra
Please!

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



REAL GOOD CRY

It’s supper time, but none for me
I tripped this boy, he chipped his teeth
They don’t understand me, nobody does
Well I don’t care now, and that’s because

I’m gonna treat myself to a real good cry
Gonna mean it when I say goodbye

They cancel all the best cartoons
Moms just say no to pet raccoons
One day I’ll show them, I’ll show them all
And they can’t ground me, when I’m so tall

I’m gonna treat myself to a real good cry
Gonna mean it when I say goodbye

I’ll hop aboard a boxcar, I’ll see the world
I’ll join the army and the circus
I’ll do just what I want to, I’ll sing all day
I’ll live on Frosted Flakes and Yoohoo

They say in school, just be yourself
But when you do, they give you grief
My classmates bore me, they’re all so slow
They raise their hands up, when they don’t know

I’m gonna treat myself to a real good cry
Gonna mean it when I say goodbye

Treat myself, real good cry
Mean it when, I say goodbye
Say goodbye

© 2001 Burpo ASCAP



BOYS ARE STINKY

Who makes you puke every time you see ’em?
Who’s the most creepy kind of human bein’?
Who’s so gross and who’s so mean and
Who’s so very very stinky?

Boys are stinky
They’re stinky stinky boys
Boys are stinky
Like a dirty diaper
Boys are stinky

Who makes you barf every time you see ’em?
Who doesn’t wash when they’re done peein’?
Who’s so dumb and who’s so rude and
Who’s so very very very very very very stinky?
I’ll tell ya…

Boys are stinky
Like a green burrito
Boys are stinky
I think I’m gonna pass out
Boys are stinky, oh yeah

I wouldn’t be a boy for all the money there is
I’d much rather stick things in my eye
If you’re a boy I feel sorry for you
And your smell just makes me cry
I’ll tell you why…

Boys are stinky
Like a big old green tornado
Boys are stinky
Like a bug in a potato
Boys are stinky, oh yeah

Stinky stinky stinky
Stinky stinky stinky
Stinky stinky stinky
Stinky

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



(I CAN’T KISS YOU ‘CAUSE)
I HAVE BRACES


Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

It’s field trip day, I’ve waited all week
Johnny sit here, I saved you a seat
We’re on the bus and we’re riding along
But something’s wrong

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I’m such a dork, I feel so dumb
This never would have happened but I sucked my thumb
And you’re so tall, and your hair’s so wild
But I’m afraid to smile

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

It’s always something and it’s so unfair
I just know I’ve got a bunch of spinach stuck in there
I sit by the phone and wait for your call
But you won’t
And it’s all the orthodontist’s fault
All his fault
All his fault
All his fault

I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
Metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal
Metal metal metal metal, ahhh

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
I can’t kiss you cause…

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

I have metal in all the wrong places
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



SLUMBER PARTY (reprise)

One two three four!
Yeah buddy, that sure was fun!
And on behalf of myself, and Muffin,
and Thea, and Cricket,
we just want to invite everybody back
to do this again, all the time,
'cause everybody knows...


It’s fun it’s fun to have a slumber party
The record’s over, play it again!
It’s fun it’s fun to have a slumber party
I got the music in my teeth!
It’s fun it’s fun there won’t be anyone
Who goes to sleep, don’t go to sleep

Hey hey howdy
Hey hey howdy
Oh hey hey howdy

Goodbye!
Yeah, goodbye everybody!
Remember to be nice, or you'll get in trouble!


© 2001 Burpo ASCAP

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