HOW 'BOUT ANOTHER DUMB SONG FROM STEVE FOR NO REASON? How 'bout another dumb song from Steve, for no reason? Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie SHAKES ARE OFF A parody of "Shake It Off" as performed by Taylor Swift I want a chocolate shake But the drive-thru makes me wait These people in my way, mm hm They're ruining my day, mm hm I finally order up my shake And I drive around to pay But then the lady says no way, mm mm There's no ice cream today, mm mm That thing is oozing But the stupid machine's refusing To make the milkshake that I'm choosing No chocolate no way and dammit this happens every night Cause I just want a shake shake shake shake shake But the milkshake machine always breaks breaks breaks, baby How come McDonalds advertises milkshakes When the shakes are off, the shakes are off, every time Why can't you make make make a shake Shouldn't be that tough for gods sake sake sake, baby How come McDonalds advertises milkshakes When the shakes are off, the shakes are off Don't want nothing to eat Don't want your mystery meat Those nuggets ain't for me, mm mm Dammit Mickey D, mm mm I just wanted some dessert Why you acting so butt-hurt No I don't want yogurt, mm mm I'd rather have a cup of dirt, mm hm This is not amusing The way you keep refusing My business you'll be losing If you don't work it out, get that stupid thing working right Cause I just want a shake shake shake shake shake But the milkshake machine always breaks breaks breaks, baby How come McDonalds advertises milkshakes When the shakes are off, the shakes are off, every time Why can't you make make make a shake Shouldn't be that tough for gods sake sake sake, baby How come McDonalds advertises milkshakes When the shakes are off, the shakes are off The shakes are off, the shakes are off, off off The shakes are off, the shakes are off, off off The shakes are off, the shakes are off, off off The shakes are off, the shakes are off Hey hey hey! Just think, while you've been worrying about salads and lattes and stupid toys in the happy meals, you could have been making bank with this, thick, treat So why's this man got a new girlfriend Wendy's like oh my god, have a Frosty milkshake Until the clown over there with the stupid red hair Finds some technical support for that shake shake shake (machine) Please drive around sir... no...... Cause I just want a shake shake shake shake shake But the milkshake machine always breaks breaks breaks, baby How come McDonalds advertises milkshakes When the shakes are off, the shakes are off Why can't you make make make a shake Shouldn't be that tough for gods sake sake sake, baby How come McDonalds advertises milkshakes When the shakes are off, the shakes are off, always The shakes are off, the shakes are off, cause you suck The shakes are off, the shakes are off, wtf The shakes are off, the shakes are off, come on The shakes are off, the shakes are off Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie I FELL OFF THE CHAIR LIFT A parody of "I Shot The Sheriff" as performed by Eric Clapton The winter olympics came around Recruiting in my hometown They said they wanted to see me ski Just go up the hill and then come down They said to me, it's as simple as can be And I say, okay, hold on just a second fellas, I've never Done this before... you're gonna put those sticks On my feet? I don't think so I fell off the chair lift So I did not even get to ski, ow, ow, man I fell off the chair lift Boy I hate the law of gravity I told you, I've never done this, ow The IOC really wanted me For what, I don't know Cause every time it's the agony of defeat And I wind up face down in the snow, don'tcha know And I throw up from the vertigo And I say, I'm calling my lawyer, and my attorney, And my insurance company, and you guys are Gonna be sorry I fell off the chair lift And I hear my family bet against me Can you believe that? Oh that's nice I fell off the chair lift Man oh man that sh*t is slippery Maybe I'm adopted I never heard the starting gun But then I landed on the luje run And somehow I took the gold though I was unaware That I was in some kinda crazy habitrail sledding competition Even though I broke both legs and a thumb, I still won And I say, it's like this is a reality show, and a game Show... I mean where's Wayne Brady? Or Howie Mandel? No deal! I fell off the chair lift And nearly got an appendectomy Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow I fell off the chair lift And I'm pretty sure I was pushed by the Great Luke Ski He's a fake ski-instructor Spanning the globe to bring you the wide world of sports! Here comes this unknown, out of nowhere... a Cinderella story... oh my goodness, look at him go! Wow... that snow is very very cold... but it's so stimulating... here's your fifty bucks Steve... oh good, now I can go home! Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie THE SLEEP DISORDER SONG I can't sleep, I can't sleep, my brain repeats Incessantly, these OCD, trivialities And eventually, if I fall asleep, I can't breathe Insomnia, and Sleep apnea, ba dum bum bum My CPAP never works that good, no good no good no good I can't unwind, ba dum bum bum Would someone please hit me over the head with a sledgehammer I can't sleep, I can't sleep I close my eyes, can't find no sheep So I don't count sheep, I count shepherds Bo Peep, Jesus, Samuel L Jackon in Pulp Fiction Astronaut Alan Shepard, he was an astronaut When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut So I asssked, and they said Not Wait I'm supposed to be counting sheep Sheep apnea, ba ba ba baaaaas Lamb chops they sure do taste good So good, so good, so good My stupid brain goes round and round Round and round, round and round Wouldn't it be great if you could win an award for this? I'd like to thank my mother, and Alan Shepard And my pharmacist who is no help at all You hate me, you really really hate me I'm trying to think about nothing Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing Alan Shepard, damn you Alan Shepard I'm trying to think about nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing Grapefruit... what? Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing Did I turn off the oven? I'm sure I did... probably... of course I did I'm going to the kitchen to check on the oven It's off, of course it's off, I think I'll make a sandwich You know, I ordered some CBD, but someone at amazon is dyslexic cause I got the Charlie Daniels Band box set instead The devil went down to the kitchen and made himself a sandwich Sleep apnea, ba dum bum bum... I can't breathe, I'm so dumb Who forgets how to breathe for crying out loud I don't snore, YOU snore! Shut up! YOU shut up! I've been drinking decaf tea Listening to the white noise machine Breathing slowly and deeply I'm almost there, now I have to pee I shouldn't have drunk that gallon of pepsi Now I've got restless leg syndrome like Elvis Presley, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh Then all the next day, narcolepsy Thank you, thank you very much Is it weird that I fell asleep at McDonalds? In the drive-thru Or while pumping gas Or watching the eclipse Please drive around, sir Do you think it's wise that I drive around while I'm a... Sleep apnea, this song's so dumb Geez I have to be up in three hours... two hours... I've got so much to do tomorrow... one hour... I'm screwed... thanks to... Sleep apnea, ba dum bum bum Fifteen minutes of sleep would be pretty good So good so good so good! I think I hear banjos, ba dum bum bum Would someone please hit me over the head with a canoe The wheels in my brain are made of sheep, but I'm really bleeped cause I can't sleep You hate me, you really hate me Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie, Bethany Hill, and Bill Warrington MIC STAND There's a song that�s coming up For which I poorly planned I look around the stage and I don�t see a f'ing stand With both hands occupied Playing my guitar I quickly scan the audience and AHA there you are Come be my mic stand You can join me on the stage Holding forth the magic stick that amplifies my rage You're a mic stand And I feel like such a jerk You paid to see my concert And I put your ass to work Up there on the stage Standing tall and proud Arm outstretched to hold aloft The thing that makes me loud Your peers are usually tripods Or have a metal base But you're the only one I've met with two legs and a face You're a mic stand And you stand there while I shout I'm sorry if I spit on you I hope it washes out You're a mic stand And I can't thank you enough I wish I had more stage equipment that would buy my stuff Okay um...there's supposed to be a solo here but you're just staring at me and you�re like RIGHT THERE and it�s kinda making me self-conscious. Can you, like, um, look over that way for a minute?Just for a minute? Okay, thanks. Oh, you're a mic stand Holding mics is what you do Hey you've got another hand, man, can you hold my water too? You're a mic stand And I can't believe you're here You paid to see my concert and I use you as my gear You're a mic stand Okay, I'm playing Minneapolis tomorrow. Get in the trunk. Come on Brandon... let's go. Okay! Wait, no, you're a night stand You stand there by my bed You have a lamp and a water glass And a book I claim I've read No, you're a flight plan You're the route the pilot chose You're a technical piece of paper That shows where the airplane goes No, you're a sleight of hand You're a clever magic trick When the prestidigitator says hey pick a card And he knows which one I picked No, you're a white man With a reasonable mortgage rate While you deny your privilege And you take and take and take And you're a mic stand Make me the butt of my own joke in my own song... Copyright 2023 Tim Crist (aka ShoEboX), with extra-stupid ending-lyrics by Steve Goodie THE HUNTING SONG I always will remember 'Twas a year ago November I went out to hunt some deer On a mornin' bright and clear I went and shot the maximum the game laws would allow Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow I was in no mood to trifle I took down my trusty rifle And went out to stalk my prey What a haul I made that day I tied them to my fender, and I drove them home somehow Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow The law was very firm, it Took away my permit The worst punishment I ever endured It turned out there was a reason Cows were out of season And one of the hunters wasn't insured People ask me how I do it And I say, "There's nothin' to it You just stand there lookin' cute And when something moves, you shoot!" And there's ten stuffed heads in my trophy room right now Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a pure-bred Guernsey cow Copyright 1968 Tom Lehrer FRIENDS A parody of "Friends In Low Places" as performed by Garth Brooks It was must-see tv, in the mid-nineteen-nineties When our tv's were not yet hand-held Every Thursday night we'd, watch the zaniest whities That we'd ever seen since Seinfeld I don't know how they could rent, that huge apartment When they were all supposedly broke And now they're all back with a streaming contract And I feel guilty cause I'm trying to be woke Cause I watch Friends even though it's racist I can't help myself, it's those familiar faces They're a Netflix hit, and I'm so conflicted Yeah I'm not big on Will and Grace I like the pretty hetero white millionaires Hanging out in their coffee place Oh I watch Friends even though it's racist Hey look! They're having coffee for hours in the middle of the day when they're supposed to be at work. Oh. My. God. Could they BE any worse employees? We were on a break! Hey. how you doing? Yeah I feel ashamed, cause I know all their names The actors and their characters too (even Gunther � James Michael Tyler) I laugh and feel bad, at Chandler's old drag queen dad And when they body-shame Monica, and the ugly naked dude And all their other friends, are similarly Caucasian They've never been to Harlem on the subway They never lived on the street, never heard of poverty Well except for Phoebe Buffay Dammit I watch Friends even though it's racist And every other joke is about who is gayest It didn't age well, yeah I'm going to hell If you like first-world problems and messed up face-lifts It's lily-white homophobic fun for all ages Hey let's watch Friends even though it's racist Yeah I watch Friends even though it's racist I can't help myself, it's those familiar faces They're a Netflix hit, and I'm so conflicted Yeah I'm not big on Will and Grace I like the pretty hetero white millionaires Hanging out in their coffee place Oh I watch Friends even though it's racist Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie ORANGE MAGA GUY A parody of "Rocky Mountain High" as performed by John Denver He was born into money that his daddy didn't earn And now he's broke and he's selling nft's And when he became president he only got one term But he says he won, and his maga cult believes He's the mar-a-lago orange maga guy He keeps documents that are super-classified Tells us he's a genius, and the dopes believe his lies Orange maga guy, mar-a-lago Orange maga guy, mar-a-lago I really thought we were done with him but he simply will not go Says things are rigged if the votes don't go his way But if the daughter of Dick Cheney thinks you're a damn psycho Hey it's time to take your orange butt and go away He's the mar-a-lago orange maga guy I hope they make this traitor testify (under oath) The Q folks think he's Jesus, I think he's a pumpkin pie Orange maga guy, mar-a-lago Orange maga guy, mar-a-lago Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie LITTLE GERBIL (2023 version) A parody of "Oh Pretty Woman" as performed by Roy Orbison Little gerbil, crawl on up my butt Little gerbil, I hope you don't get stuck Little gerbil I'm just as horny as I can be I shove little animals in me Forceps,,, Little gerbil, let's jump in the car Little gerbil, and head to the ER Little gerbil I pushed a hamster, right up my tail Now I'm a human habitrail Nasty... Little gerbil crawl right in Little gerbil please don't pierce my intestine Little gerbil swim right back to me Little gerbil come out now Little gerbil ow ow ow Little gerbil have you seen my car keys Cause I need you, although you stink I love you gerbil, think I'll call you Lemmywinks Little gerbil Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie GO F YOURSELF A parody of "I Touch Myself" as performed by Divinyls You bought a smart phone, or a fancy new tablet It don't work anymore, you need some help with your gadget So you give me a call, here at technical support But I'm about as much help as a dang rectal wart I don't care, though I know you need help I'm busy playing wordle go f yourself Ah, go ask your nephew, he just turned twelve Oh no, hey bro, yo yo I'm the guy working at the drive-thru You're back there number ten in line Please drive around, that'll be fifty bucks please Oh no, did I forget your fries You've pulled away, this transaction's complete You're gonna eat what I gave you to eat You can call my boss, she's gonna ignore you This is Mickey D's, and we're not working for you We don't care, you can go ahead and yell We don't give refunds, go f yourself Ah, the customer's wrong, you can all go to hell Oh yes, yes yes, god bless You've got a toothache cause you didn't floss But dental ain't covered under Blue Cross So your out of pocket, about twenty grand But you still gotta pay your premiums, you really should read your plan We don't give a s, you can go ahead and yell We don't don't cover that, go f yourself Ah, keep on paying just like everybody else Oh yes, yes yes, f yes I've paid you thousands of dollars over the years I better go ahead get this done in Tanjiers Ow, ow ow, ow Ay yi yi yi In America they don't care about our health If you can't afford to be sick, go f yourself We're not socialists like everybody else You snowflake communist, go f yourself Go f yourself, go f yourself Go f yourself, go f yourself Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie ASSHOLE CATS A parody of "Nashville Cats" as performed by The Lovin' Spoonful Asshole cats, do whatever they freaking wanna Asshole cats, don�t give a damn about me or you Asshole cats, so cute when they was babies Asshole cats, they bring dead stuff home to you Well there�s 13 million and 52 evil kitties in Nashville And there�ll be twice as many tomorrow cause they just can�t keep it in their pants-ville Yeah, and they got billions of allergens, keeping me swimming in Benadryl and Advil And they just sit around getting fat and watching me sweat on this stupid treadmill Asshole cats, they don�t do what they oughta Asshole cats, poo wherever they want to poo Asshole cats, I hear they carry rabies Asshole cats, but trust me, it�s illegal to dump them in the incinerator Well there�s approximately 600 million of these cute little bastards worldwide And though they�re perfectly suited to be outdoors we keep inviting them inside Crazy cat ladies call em fur-babies and I just don�t see the appeal So I blame Bill Murray cause I hear they�re making a third goddamn Garfield movie Asshole cats, do whatever they freaking wanna Asshole cats, you know horses aren�t the only things that can make glue Asshole cats, when you die they�ll eat your face off Asshole cats........ f you Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie ALLEGEDLY FUNNY SONGWRITER A parody of "Rubber Ducky" as performed by Ernie This is a song about an allegedly funny songwriter Who I don't like, and he doesn't like me And when I wrote this song I put his name in it But I'm not using his name because I don't want to get in trouble So this song is called Allegedly funny songwriter, you're no one Career was over before it begun Allegedly funny songwriter you're awfully bad it's true Allegedly funny songwriter, I'll rejoice On the day you quit making noise Allegedly funny songwriter, everything you do is poo Oh, every day when you start to play with Garageband Using terrible midi tracks like these You make audio that really ought to go in the trash can I'm not a big fan of Allegedly funny songwriter, it's the truth You're the musical equivalent of a used douche Allegedly funny songwriter, I'm awfully sick of Allegedly funny songwriter, go bite your own d off Allegedly funny songwriter, I'm awfully sick of you Shut up And if you're wondering who it is, you can send me an email: [email protected] And... fifty bucks Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie FIREFLY A firefly's light, did you know that it means The firefly's looking for the fly of his dreams He can't write her a poem, with rainbows and moonbeams It's all he could think of, it seems Firefly, first one of the season How come you are how you are Just think about that, you crazy lit gnat While I play this here solo on this here guitar You crazy bug, I think I can relate There were times I was so desperate I'd set my butt on fire to get a date You nutty fly, I'll bet that really stings I guess love really is a burning thing Firefly, first one of the season Why do you do what you do You're so lovely and bright, on this warm summer night And who are you looking for, do you know who A firefly's light, did you know that it means The firefly's looking for the fly of his dreams He can't write her a poem, with rainbows and moonbeams It's all he could think of, it seems Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie JERRY LEWIS SINGS ZEPPELIN - live at the Bluebird A parody of "Over The Hills And Far Away" as performed by Led Zeppelin Hey lady! Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie MENDEL THE REINDEER So you think you've heard them all Every Christmas song Every yuletide carol that has ever come along That's not quite true We present one more to you Mendel the Reindeer reported for work On the 24th night of December Mendel had come all the way from New York Clutching an overnight letter Saying Dasher was sick and a desperate St. Nick Needed somebody healthy instead But Santa didn't hire Mendel He took a reindeer named Fred Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel What do you know about Christmas anyway? What do you know? Oy vey! Mendel asked Santa Claus, "Why'd you reject me? So blatantly, anti-Semitically?" But Santa said, "Mendel, that's simply not true Just look around here, we're all Jewish too" You know Herschel and Harry and Larry and Tevya Lenny and Izzy and Yankel and Edna Jewish reindeer one and all, each one of them is They just changed their Hebrew names for showbiz ("Even Rudolph?" "Well, he's Hindu...") Mendel-le, Mendel-le, won't you please believe Who else would want to work for me every Christmas Eve? Mendel Mendel, would you be mollified If I said you're overqualified Maybe you'd be better suited for a desk job What do you say? Okay! Mendel the reindeer reported for work On the 26th day of December Sorting complaints from the bad boys and girls Who got socks instead of Nintender And Dasher got well, and Fred went back to Jersey To his job at the agnostic petting zoo So what do we know about Christmas anyway? It's Jews pulling the sleigh Except for Rudolph, he's from Bombay And oh, by the way The Easter bunny's got an alternate lifestyle Copyright 2020 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP ORANGE CATS, MUPPETS, AND ZAPPA Orange cats, Muppets, and Zappa That's all you need Orange cats, Muppets, and Zappa That's about all you need Oh, and Dogbowl and Chris Chan And you wouldn't mind a big bag of weed, and Butters And orange cats, Muppets, and Zappa That's really all you need Your cat farts in his sleep and wakes himself up People ask if that's true and I say yup, yup, yup Yellow hair, cheesecake, and a ragtop Fiat That's all you need Yeah, yellow hair, cheesecake, and a ragtop Fiat That's really all you need Oh, and a pair of cheeseburger sneakers And another bag of sweet west coast weed And a fried egg in your yellow hair, cheesecake, and a ragtop Fiat That's about all you need Orange cats, Muppets, and Zappa That's all you need Orange cats, Muppets, and Zappa That's all you need Ah, and dog bowl and god help me Corey Feldman And you wouldn't say no to a big bag of sweet west coast weed But really all it is is orange cats, Muppets, Zappa That's about all you need And when you want to sing out, sing out And when you want a big cold coke slushy They often turn out to be free, to be free, to be free The pajamas of my mind, they are doing fine The pajamas of my mind, they are doing fine Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie SILLY RABBI A parody of "Alice's Restaurant" as performed by Arlo Guthrie I improvised the lyrics, so I can't see the point writing them down here... Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie |
WEIRD AL IS MY HERO AND SO IS DANIEL RADCLIFFE With that goofy 80s mustache, or a full Amish beard He's the wackiest wacko, the weirdest of weird Decades before anyone texted or tweeted He'd answer the call when new lyrics were needed Weird Al... Weird Al Yankovic Hey, if I could play the accordion, that'd be really sick Well just as the new millenium dawned I discovered a wizard with a broom and a wand And yeah I was too old for these books, but a classic's a classic Who cares if all these kids made me feel quite Jurassic And in the movies Harry's played by Daniel Radcliffe, Daniel Radcliffe, Daniel Radcliffe Boy if I could get a broom and a wand, that'd be really sick Then in 2022 I saw the headline �They're making a Weird Al bio-pic!� and I lost my mind And who would play Al, why Danny Radcliffe of course And it premiered on my birthday The movie premiered on my birthday Did you hear me, it premiered on my birthday November fourth It was a sign, do a tribute, shout it out, spread the word Cause Weird means everything to this American nerd So I'm gonna do this show till I fall down unconscious AL! The Weird Tribute And How Daniel Radcliffe Got Mixed Up In This Nonsense Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie WE'RE ONLY HERE IN STEVE'S MIND We're only here in Steve's mind, we're just in his mind Cause we're celebrities, and we're humoring Steve We're just in his mind, and hey that's just fine We've never heard of him, and neither have you But tonight he's a celebrity too, sort of Yes, it's going to be a magical evening of songs and stories And Steve pretending to hang out with his two idols Whom he's never met And frankly probably never will With help from me, Bob! So let's get started! Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie IT'S A SHOW ABOUT BUBBLES It's a show about bubbles, a show about bubbles We couldn't afford a smoke machine It's a show about bubbles, all about bubbles Even if they're only on the screen Cause frankly, we can't afford bubbles either Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie IT'S HARD TO PLAY THE ACCORDION Oh it's hard to play the accordion, the accordion, the accordion It's pretty darn hard just to put down the accordion The accordion is hard Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie DUMBLEDORE A parody of "Hardware Store" as performed by "Weird Al" Yankovic Nothing ever ever happens in this house Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Till an owl brought me the news It said I was already enrolled In a crazy magic school a thousand years old So my uncle I told, �I quit this household� And I laced up both my shoes But he said �you're not going anywhere You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair Your aunt and I, well, we really don't care If you rot away in your room� But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised 'Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom I can't wait, no I can't wait They say I'm gonna be a sorceror I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore On the train I met a guy named Ron A red-headed kid and we really got along Making stuff disappear with our magic wands It was really really really really really really great Then we met this girl, Hermione Who knew every spell there is from A to Z And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately Old Malfoy showed his face Mean kid who likes to make trouble When he spots anybody related to a muggle And he calls them names, so we're gonna burst his bubble Before this year is through Now the coach has started slowing down And I'm getting off the train and I'm looking all around And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown Can't believe it's coming true I can't wait, no I can't wait Hagrid open up that great big door I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor Would you look at all of Dumbledore's stuff... He's got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you're feeling doomed and Potions that'll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape's acidic sneer and Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters I can't wait, no I can't wait I'm gonna get that evil Voldemort I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Voldemort Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie NINA Well I wrote a little song about Harry Potter And it struck a big chord with Al Yankovic's daughter That was a few years back, I'm sure she's moved on But for a little while there, I was the bomb Oh Nina, oh Nina, I have yet to meet ya But according to your weird old man, you're a big old fan of mine And that is so cool! Oh Nina, oh Nina, sure your dad's a genius But Dumbledore beats a hardware store every time Wouldn't you agree? Yeah, me too! Well I really wanted you to hear this song It's only one minute twenty-seven seconds long So at the risk of being sent to a sanitorium I went backstage at the Ryman Auditorium To give it to your dad, to pass on to you Oh Nina, oh Nina, I wanted to thank you by tweetin' ya But that would be creepy, so instead I wrote you a song Much more appropriate Oh Nina, oh Nina, you and your Mom and Dad and Sandy and Dina Are the coolest little family ever, like, awesome And I bet you have the bestest house in all of California, cause I bet it's got... Suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, and trouble-making poltergeists and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible... And 15,000 Hawaiian shirts (Thanks Dad) and YOU... NINA! You are the very coolest And by the way, I'm available to play bat mitzvahs... and weddings! Copyright 2016 SG and Melissa Miller ACT POTTERY A parody of "Act Naturally" by Johnny Russell and Voni Morrison They're gonna make me do more movies Now they've made a big star out of me They make lame films and they pay me lots of money And all I gotta do is, act Pottery Well they'll touch up my forehead with a big scar I'll get a wand and do some crazy spells The CG has made me a big star Cause I can't really act so well Well I hope you'll come and see my latest movie See me type-cast to the nth degree Everyone thinks Harry is yours truly But all I really do is, act Pottery Well I can't believe these films are really ending And I'm not yet an Oscar nominee I'm a twenty-something, has-been child actor And all I ever did was, act Pottery Well I guess that I should put an ad on craigslist But I can't type, and I don't know how to spell I could be that crazy kid in Equus Cause I can play the part au naturel Well I hope you'll come and see the latest movie And ignore the fact that I'm quite elderly When I finish school, I'll be washed-up big-time Cause all I ever do is, act Pottery Oh blimey, I can't believe I'm doing this You're not recording this are you? Oh, this is horrible! Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie and Jace McLain ASCAP ACCORDION MIND-MELD I think we'd better do the accordion mind-meld The what? The accordion mind-meld! Hold your accordion up to mine... There. I think you'll be fine now Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie YOU'VE WON / DISCLAIMER That's correct, Daniel! You've won a brand new car! Prize does not include tax, tags, title, insurance, spark-plugs, drive-shaft, or left-side body-panels. Dealer retains all rebates and first-born offspring. Not valid in Canada, Honduras, Guatemala, or anywhere in the northern hemisphere. Also the southern hemisphere. Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie THE HARRY POTTER BATHROOM SAGA Oh this is a story 'bout a British lady Who wrote about Harry, Ron, and Hermione And how everybody ought to be free to be themselves And how muggles are just as good as everybody else Well they studied and they practiced all the spells and tricks And they tried to stop the Slytherins from always being... jerks And they had to make a potion that would change their looks So they found the recipe in a forbidden book And they used a girls' bathroom with a ghost named Myrtle And that's really important to the story (Cause Harry's in the girls' bathroom! But Rowling don't want some women in her bathroom. Is everybody with me?) Well through seven books they kept coming back To the bathrooms where they shouldn't be (shouldn't be) They were working on a potion to fend off the attack Of evil and oppression and bigotry So JK Rowling I wish you'd see That some people just don't fit (don't fit) In the binary categories we've created And they still need to... poop Cause people are more than just body parts And everybody pees and everybody farts And yes you're a big billionaire rock star But I wish you would listen more than you are Cause you put Harry in the girls' bathroom And if he hadn't gone in, by now Hogwarts Would be overrun by Voldemort Yeah Voldemort, he's the bad guy We don't like the bad guy, why you wanna be the bad guy What the hell happened, you used to be so reasonable You know, rooting for the underdog, and people who are a little different What are you nuts? Come on, what would Harry do? Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie ROWLING GET OFF TWITTER When you wrote about muggles and wizards I could read your novels all night and day But lately I've been grievin' 'bout your recent frequent tweetin' And I wonder what good old Harry would say Your mean tweets we've been surfin' Why you gotta keep on terfin' Rowling, Rowling, Rowling get off Twitter Hey were you raised in a cupboard? Or Ben Shapiro's house, or in eighteen-fifteeyen? You think you're all maternal but you sound like Moaning Myrtle Why you so hung up on where people are peein'? Mean tweets you've been blurtin' Now you're the person fans are cursin' Rowling, Rowling, Rowling get off Twitter If you go down to her twitter You'll find a lot of words for "I'm a hypocrite" You're such a famous icon, why choose this hill to die on Could you shut up for a second and listen a bit Big money you've been earnin To Slytherin you're revertin' Rowling, Rowling, Rowling get off Twitter Copyright 2021 Jace McLain and Steve Goodie The "Weird Al" Polka Medley How come you're always such a fussy young man Don't want no Cap'n Crunch don't want no raisin bran Well don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan So eat it, don't you tell me you're full Just eat it, eat it, get yourself an egg and beat it Have a banana, have a whole bunch, it doesn't matter what you had for lunch, just eat it Well I'm yelling and I'm playing, but I don't know what I'm saying What's the message I'm conveying, can you tell me what I'm saying, no! I'm going to the hardware store People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique But the Frenchies think that my poop don't stink, I'm a genius in France Talk with your mouth full, bite the hand that feeds you, bite off more than you can chew Dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid And another comes on and another comes on, another one rides the bus Hey, I'm gonna sit by you, another one rides the bus I just can't understand it, why won't you return my phone calls Are you still mad I gave a mohawk to your cat Oh Melanie, what can the problem be Sweet Melanie, why won't you go out with me I'm driving a truck, driving a big old truck, pedal to the metal hope I don't run out of luck Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon, driving a truck with my high heels on, hey! Okay here's the deal, I'll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions Literacy is your mission, and that's why I think it's a good time And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye Merry Christmas y'all, now you're all gonna die The night Santa went crazy, the night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been getting a raw deal, something finally must have snapped in his brain I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed But remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed Oh my Yoda, yo yo yo ya yoda, yo yo you ya yoda They see me mowing my front lawn, I know that they're thinking I'm too white and nerdy Do ya think I'm white and nerdy, could it be I'm white and nerdy OMG I'm white and nerdy, look at me I'm white and nerdy Could it be I'm white and nerdy, do ya think I'm white and nerdy OMG I'm white and nerdy, look at me I'm white and nerdy Copyright 1979 � 2014 �Weird Al� Yankovic THE ELEMENTS There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium And gold protactinium and indium and gallium And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium Isn't that interesting? There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium These were the only ones of which the news had come to Harvard In 1968, when he wrote this Turns out there's many others but they hadn't been discovered Copyright 1968 Tom Lehrer IT'S THE END OF THE SHOW It's the end of the show, the end of the show We did the whole show and now it's time to go We've had enough of this, and what's more We ain't gonna do a single encore No we're not, no we're not We're all out of stuff We can't do an encore, okay? Or can we? Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie DANIEL AND AL AND RADCLIFFE AND YANKOVIC Daniel and Al made tonight much less lame I'm so glad they could join us, though Al was pretty bleeping profane Oh man, I hope they're not lItigiously inclined Oh god please don't sue us I guess we better kiss your behinds Oh Daniel and Alfred You are celebrities, but you still act like a couple of dorks You're two stars and you're weird You're both nerdy guys, you love Tom Lehrer and grammar just like I do Al and Daniel au revoir That means so long in France, you genius Radcliffe and Yankovic sitting in a tree Famous for Harry and MTV They have no idea what they mean to me But we're having some fun at the Fringe! Are they really here, no of course not We just animated them with an app we got For free online, and we wrote a couple songs And it really came together when Bob sang along C'mon get happy, c'mon get happy It's funny when the animation's really crappy We traveled all the way here on a jet plane Spent all our money to come and entertain So we hope you'll hit the tip bucket as you leave Cause Bob's really broke and so is Steve Ain't too proud to beg, are we Bob? Nope. Dan and Al, they're doing just fine They both know how to Potter like it's 1699 Royalty checks are gonna take em real far But we're getting taxed like Jimmy Carr Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Carr So thanks for coming out we hope you had a lot of fun We enjoyed entertaining you and now we're really done Copyright 2023 Steve Goodie The "Weird Al" Country Medley How come you're always such a fussy young man Don't want no Cap'n Crunch don't want no raisin bran Well don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan So eat it, don't you tell me you're full Just eat it, eat it, get yourself an egg and beat it Have a banana, have a whole bunch, it doesn't matter what you had for lunch, just eat it Well I'm yelling and we're playing, but I don't know what I'm saying What's the message I'm conveying, can you tell me what I'm saying, no! I'm going to the hardware store People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique But the Frenchies think that my poop don't stink, I'm a genius in France Talk with your mouth full, bite the hand that feeds you, bite off more than you can chew Dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid And another comes on and another comes on, another one rides the bus Hey, I'm gonna sit by you, another one rides the bus I just can't understand it, why won't you return my phone calls Are you still mad I gave a mohawk to your cat Oh Melanie, what can the problem be Sweet Melanie, why won't you go out with me I'm driving a truck, driving a big old truck, pedal to the metal hope I don't run out of luck Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon, driving a truck with my high heels on Everybody shut up! Okay here's the deal, I'll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions Literacy is your mission, so that's why I think it's a good time And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye Merry Christmas y'all, now you're all gonna die The night Santa went crazy, the night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been getting a raw deal, something finally must have snapped in his brain I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed But remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed Oh my Yoda, yo yo yo ya yoda, yo yo you ya yoda They see me mowing my front lawn, I know that they're thinking I'm too white and nerdy Think I'm just too white and nerdy, think I'm just too white and nerdy Can't you see I'm white and nerdy, look at me I'm white and nerdy Think I'm just too white and nerdy, think I'm just too white and nerdy OMG I'm white and nerdy, look at me I'm white and nerdy Copyright 1979 � 2014 �Weird Al� Yankovic QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Is that Harry Potter over there? There's the new boy. Did you see his scar? I heard he can break the sound barrier on that broom. Couldn't be! Yes, he can! Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I've never seen anyone fly like that! And he's just a first-year! Must be that Harry Potter! He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Hermione, how can Harry possibly see that tiny golden snitch from way up there? It's fantastic! Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Harry needs to buckle down and study. How does he expect to get through his first year, breaking all those rules? I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him Hey Harry, let's go see what's on the third floor, shall we? Stop! You can't just go sneaking around the castle at night! You'll cost Gryffindor a hundred points! Oh no we won't! Oh yes you will! And that's just what Draco Malfoy wants! 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo HARRY'S WAND A parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains Of Wayne Vernon! That wicked boy has done it again! Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, he knows he don't belong Harry cannot do magic outside school (that's the rule) He has to take all his cousin Dudley's ridicule (that big sack of poo) And then Aunt Marge runs her mouth, and Harry slips (gives her some lip) He turns her into a blimp, and the punishment fits (solar eclipse) You know he's not the little boy he's supposed to be Now he's a wizard with a temper and a magic legacy Harry's gone, he used his magic wand He's wizard-born, he's been waiting for so long His muggle family don't approve of sorcery He waved his magic wand and where oh where has Harry gone Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, don't try and correspond Dudley's mom don't know what's going on This phenomenon is beyond her lexicon Harry do you remember, Sirius Black? (I hear he's back) He helped Voldemort whack your parents way way back (helped the maniac) Well Harry rumor has it that he's made an escape (could it be a mistake?) And somehow the prison didn't get it on video tape (can he change his shape?) I know you try to hide your worry but you're really freaked If he could kill your mom and dad then you are probably dead meat The chase is on, he's out of Azkaban All those dementors couldn't hold him for so long Harry can't you see your life's in jeopardy Hermione and Ron say you should work on Lupin's charm Harry's mom she bought it early on (his mom and dad are gone) But Black didn't do it, no they've got it all wrong (all wrong) Hey Hermione we gotta change reality You've done it all year long, now help old Harry Harry's wand... (he's got 'em all disarmed) Harry's wand... (yeah Harry did it) Sirius can't you see Harry's got the remedy You almost bought the farm, but you didn't thanks to Harry's wand Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and FOW ASCAP GOBLET OF FIRE A parody of "Paper In Fire" by John Mellencamp Harry! They're going to have the Tri-Wizard contest instead of Quidditch this year! Care to put your name in the hat? He made the team, and boy it was a good one When he chased after that snitch, he was such a flyer But with the fourth year came a new competition When his name came out of that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, said he's a champion Goblet Of Fire, how did his name get in He didn't want to play, but he's playin' anyway Though everyone is older, dang Goblet Of Fire First he faced a dragon, with no help from no one And then he had to swim, that's what the second task required But that maze was bad, it went on forever And he saw old Voldemort in that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, said he's a champion Goblet Of Fire, now look at the mess he's in Portkey in the maze, took him so far away To Voldemort's soldiers, dang Goblet Of Fire He fought the good fight, though no one believes him There's no celebration, no they call him a liar 'Cause a champion's dead, though Harry retrieved him Man, a lot of bad stuff went down, in that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, You-Know-Who's among the graves Goblet Of Fire, still workin' his evil ways Who's to say the way the monster got away He keeps on gettin' bolder, dang Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, Moody's been in his trunk Goblet Of Fire, Skeeter's some kind of ladybug Nobody's who they say they are on their resum� It's all on Harry's shoulders, dang Goblet Of Fire I'm not finished with you yet, Harry Potter... Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie I AM THE HORCRUX A parody of "I Am The Walrus" by John Lennon and Paul McCartney I am he who's chosen least some folks believe what they read in the paper I'm on the run since the new war's begun I'm on the run, I'm hiding Sitting in a puptent, waiting for a clue to come Dumbledore's intel, sadly insufficient Hunting for a bunch of pieces of a tattered soul I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you're through You Know Who Mister Ronald Weasley sitting chicken little Weasley had to go See how he whines once he's left us behind, see how he cries He's crying, he's crying, he's crying, he's crying Nymphadora Lupin, growing little wolves inside Remus wants adventure, thinks he can protect her Man you've been a naughty boy, you let your family down I am the H-man, I am the H-man, finding Dolores, and then You Know Who Sneaking into Umbridge office but the locket's gone Tell the half-bloods run you gotta scram, maybe visit family in Spain I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you're through You Know Who Snatching rat-faced gloating poachers now we're toast cause Voldemort's taboo See how they spy like steak and kidney pie, they're foul and vile, I'm flying Flying into Hogwarts, fighting all the evil power In some sort of purgatory, Dumbledore informs me I am just another piece of Riddle's fractured soul I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux You're through You Know Who, you're through You Know Who You're through You Know Who, you're through You Know Who You're through ... You Know Who You're through, yeah you, you, you're through... You Know Who... Hallows, horcrux, horcrux, hallows Toasting Voldemort marshmallows Horcrux, hallows, hallows, horcrux Dumbledore's dead, he was buried in his best tux... Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP HARRY'S GIRL A parody of "Valley Girl" by Frank Zappa Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl She's last in line, her blood is pure Now she's Harry's girl, fighting Voldemort She's last in line, she don't like Fleur Shes a Like, OMG! (Harry's girl) Like, totally (Harry's girl) Like at first I couldn't even talk (Harry's girl) I, like, froze up and like... (Harry's girl) Whenever Harry Potter was around, I like couldn't say anything, you know? Cause he was like totally famous, with that awesome scar on his head, and he was like totally all alone, and he was super super nice... he was just so... Youngest Weasley, she's depressed Old Tom Riddle's got her possessed She found this book, she was unaware That he put a whole bunch of evil in there Anyway, he goes, like, �Hi! I'm Tom Riddle, and this is my diary.� And I'm all like, wow, and he's all like, tell me about it, so I like told him how my brothers like totally tease me all the time, and how I like have to wear second-hand robes, I am so sure! Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl She lost her mind, she's lost her nerve But she's Harry's girl, and he'll rescue her Her vital signs, he will ensure She's a It's really sad (Harry's girl) Our new defense teacher, Professor Lockhart (Harry's girl) He's like Mr. Dufus (Harry's girl) We're talking lord God king Dufus (Harry's girl) I am so sure, he's like so pathetic I heard like he let out all these pixies And he like totally lost control of the class It's like totally embarrassing I'm like so sure, it's like who let these out... Bag the whole room! First year she's still awful shy Anytime Harry J. Potter walks by Her face turns red just like her hair Can't say a word, just too dang scared So like I go into this like bookstore place, y'know, and I wanted like to get my books for school, and they are all like, totally expensive, and like my dad like doesn't have any money, at all. It was like really embarrassing. And Harry's like, here, take my books, and he's like totally sweet, and I was like really embarrassed... Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl Years go by, she's found her nerve Now she's Harry's girl, with the bogey curse She's last in line, she don't like Fleur But she's Harry's girl, he could do much worse Like my brother is like a total dweeb (Harry's girl) He's like freaking out that I kissed anyone (Harry's girl) And he's like never even had a date (Harry's girl) I am sure, that's like pathetic! (Harry's girl) ROTFLOL! (Harry's girl) OMG! (Harry's girl) Hi! Uh-huh... (Harry's girl) My name? My name is Ginevra Weasley (Harry's girl) Uh-huh That's right, Ginevra (Harry's girl) Uh-huh... Like, Ginny for short It's like... (Harry's girl) I do not have funny hair... I'm sure (Harry's girl) What'sa matter with red hair? (Harry's girl) I am a witch, I know (Harry's girl) But I play like a really awesome game of Quidditch, so it's okay (Harry's girl) Uh-huh... (Harry's girl) So like, You Know Who is back (Harry's girl) I'm like freaking out totally (Harry's girl) OMG! (Harry's girl) Hi, I have to go to the DA meeting tonight (Harry's girl) We're like learning to defend ourselves, y'know (Harry's girl) But I am like underage That's going to be really like a total bummer And I named the D.A. � Dumbledore's Army, y'know? But will I get to stand and, like, fight? No, my parents will totally make me, like, stay behind By myself, in the room of requirement It's like so totally uncool But they can't watch me 24/7 So no biggie... We've been, like, putting up resistance all year It's like covert and stuff, y'know Well, I'm not a big baby or anything It's just like are you serious? I can like totally take care of myself With like You Know Who totally after Harry Harry's like, �pretend you don't know me, Ginny� It's like too risky... Risky to the max I'm sure It's like really exasperating Like get out Get me a normal boyfriend But...I am sure... Oh Harry... Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP WHAT'S IN MY HOTDOG - LIVE No one seems to know, no one seems to know, no one seems to want to know... But I want to know, I need to know, oh I gotta know... what's in my hotdog What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one seems to know What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one seems to know There's earlobes, eyelids, elbows and fingertips Dog nose, pig glands, frog bits, and chicken lips Hog butts, peanuts, cow guts, brains... Toe jam, turkey spam, vericose veins What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one seems to know What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one seems to know There's moose colon, horse bladder, anything that goes splatter Half ton of puppy tongues, bucketful of camel lungs Big hairy goat tails, dirty donkey toenails Stuffed into an fabulous, edibile, delectable, deep-fried, something died... Intestinal shell... intestinal shell... now I know... What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog I was better off not knowing Now chunks I will be blowing And cookies I'll be throwing My insides will be showing I guess I really didn't need to know... What's in my hotdog What's in my hotdog What's in my hotdog I think I got a fever I'm feeling kind of strange My head feels like a whoopie cushion My hands are a little clammy I really want to die Maybe we should take you to the hotdog factory... You could be the secret ingredient... Yeah! Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie and Aaron Ratiere |
ON JUPITER THERE'S A HURRICANE Did you know that On Jupiter there's a hurricane, it's been blowing for 400 years It's bigger than, the whole earth, but it's just a little red spot when we look at it from here And it blasts and it blows and it spins around No towns to destroy, nothing to knock down And no one hears the roar, cause no one is around And no one dies cause there's no life to be found And it's all liquid and gas, there is no ground On Jupiter there's a hurricane, it's been blowing for 400 years In the clouds it's about 200 below At the center of the planet it's 40,000 degrees It's all hydrogen where the surface should be But the pressure makes it a hydrogen sea And liquified hydrogen is no place for me No liquified hydrogen is no place for anyone else to be If you're a carbon-based life-form like me On Jupiter there's a hurricane, it's been blowing for 400 years So what's the point being a hurricane, on a planet with no people to drench with rain Well maybe it's just more fun that way, it fills the endless 10-hour days And that's why it keeps on going, no sign that it is slowing The huge storm keeps on blowing But isn't it interesting that humans like me think things can only have a purpose if they affect humans... like, why should ANYthing exist unless it's about ME? How ethnocentric are we? Or species-centric? Maybe it's good that there are no humans... On Jupiter there's a hurricane, it's been blowing for 400 years Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie FOOD FOOD FOOD I'm going to the store for Food food food foo-f-foo-food JELLO! Food food food foo-f-foo-food MEATLOAF! Food food food foo-f-foo-food BROCCOLI! Food food food foo-f-foo-food I forgot to make a list Everybody else is so much more organized than this I don�t know where my glasses are Let alone what I�m going to want to eat on Thursday... Free samples, they keep offering me I�m pigging out all day for free Toothpicks scattered round so far and wide Bacon wrapped teeny weenie pickled pigs feet deep-fried Cleanup on aisle five, there�s a Gatorade spill a mile wide I gotta get across to the other side, and all that sugar makes my shoes go Phlup phlup phlup phlup Why can't all stores be laid out the same? I mean they do manage to all put the milk way at the back Produce to the left of me, bakery to the right Here I am, stuck in the checkout behind an guy writing a check with five thousand coupons He's got some coupons so he'll save on asparagus, save on asparagus And some radishes, but mostly asparagus Check me out with a scanner I wanna check myself out really fast I bought bananas that aren�t quite ripe But scanners hate produce, so I�ve got to type Uh, bananas are 4011 Please place item on scanner, please re-scan item, please re-scan item Please place item in the bagging area, please go f yourself Please insert card. Do not remove card! Do not remove card! Do not remove card! Beeep REMOVE YOUR CARD NOW!! REMOVE YOUR CARD NOW!! REMOVE IT NOW OR IT WILL EXPLODE!! REMOVE YOUR CARD NOW!! Paper or plastic, paper or plastic, I�ll just tuck it in my underwear elastic That should hold it tightly, you can't tell me the bulge is unsightly That would be body-shaming Say, is that twenty pounds of meat in your pocket or Price check on personal moisturizer I need a price check on personal moisturizer Bob, how much is the extra large vagisil, no the 64 ounce, the really big one I forgot the Froot Loops, I forgot the ham I forgot the soda, I forgot the jam From store to car, car to cabinet, the whole stupid process is much too elaborate And when I look in the fridge, what do I see, it's last week�s expired meat Aww, that stinks, I�m trashin� it, forget shopping, I�m door dashin� it Hello, I'd like to order some Food food foo-f-foo-food Would you deliver it to my door please Thank you Food food food food food food food Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie, Bethany Hill, and Bill Warrington I'LL HOLD YOUR HAIR WHILE YOU HURL So you're out with the girls, working up a sweat Pedaling and drinking like good bachelorettes Woo'ing and screaming with a penis hat on But inside you're sad, thinking this is all wrong Maybe you're not sure about your fiancee, you're having jitters and doubts Maybe he's not so hot, and this is how you work it out Well it's simple, it'll come down to eight little words Will he hold your hair while you hurl Darlin, will he hold your hair, when you've had too much Will he hold your hair, while you yak it all up I don't know a lot, but if you'd be my girl Baby I'll hold your hair while you hurl Is he the one, how can you be sure When you've had three too many and the world is a blur You've been mixing tequila with Budweiser And this here pedal-tavern is a damn tilt-a-whirl Sure he's got a job, and a real big truck Oh he knows how to fish, and he knows how to... clean a fish But will he whisper those eight little words Baby I'll hold your hair while you hurl No darlin, I'll hold your hair, when you've had too much You drank it all down, now you yak it all up Cause you'd do the same if our roles were reversed And before you ask me, no I won't hold your purse But I'll kneel with you at the bowl, when you're my girl And I'll hold your hair while you hurl Yeah darlin, while you hurl Get it all up, while you hurl Better out than in, yeah baby Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie ALL MY FAVORITE CLOTHES ARE FALLING APART All my favorite clothes are falling apart Of all my clothes, it's the ones I hate That don't have holes, they're in good shape That ugly sweater with the big reindeer I only wear that once a year But my favorites are in heavy rotation Hence their steady disintegration Holy Moses there�s holes in my clothes-es One of my elbows shows, it�s poking through like a big old nose Holy thread-count, I'm wearing my own hand-me-downs My pants are all see-thru, I'm down to half a shoe And my socks just gotta hang in there (come on fellas!) And don�t get me started on my underwear When my favorite clothes are falling apart Should I put on a bathrobe and head to Wal-Mart It�s full of holes like I said before But that�s expected at the big box store... at midnight Oh you�re all fancy buying new clothes at the Wal-Mart! No... actually, when I finally do replace clothes, here's where I go On the first Saturday of the month I do all my shopping at once Cause everything�s half-price at Goodwill And I don't mind a few mice, or a couple million lice Eww... ok everybody scratch! Scratch on, scratch off, I scratched a hole right through the back of my britches Now the moon will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow it�ll see the sun Holy crap would you look at that, I tore myself a new one All my clothes clothes clothes are falling apart What? Falling apart No! Falling apart Holy cow! Holy Moses there�s holes in my clothes-es I'm showing so much skin, I'm practically a Kardashian Holy Jesus everything�s falling to pieces My shirts are like swiss cheeses, my pants are full of fleas-es And last year�s halloween Reese�s, and several species' feces... eww! Come on old clothes, give me one more day And don�t get me started on my lingerie Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie, Bethany Hill, and Bill Warrington MOBILE TRASH UNIT Her apartment is pristine, every room is clean clean clean Everything is in its place, perfect use of perfect space She�s organized and functional, fastidious and punctual So it�s incredible though she's obsessed with cleanliness What a nightmare of disgusting crap her purple prius is It�s her mobile trash unit, it�s a dump on wheels It�s an oil spill in a landfill, it�s roadkill on an anthill It�s her mobile trash unit Coffee cups, Slurpee cups, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up Mascara, lipstick, eye-liner, cover-up Glitter glitter glitter glitter glitter glitter glitter glitter Glitter! Sports bra, tennis shoes, yoga pants, cowboy boots Phone charger, ice scraper, community college psych paper Hair brush, sunscreen, Seventeen magazine Candy wrappers, gum wrappers, Triscuits and Ritz crackers A gallon of hand sanitizer Her favorite coconut avocado watermelon tangerine mango moisturizer Bubblegum lip-gloss, wild cherry lip-gloss, strawberry lip-gloss Venti mocha almond fudge high-octane decaf non-dairy non-fat extra cool whip double-shot of espresso lip-gloss... with glitter Months-old receipts Several hundred samples from Clinique Groceries from last week Like a quart of milk that�s begun to reek And stinky mystery luncheon meat I mean I�ve heard of olive loaf but this is ridiculous Crumbs and nuts and cigarette butts Curly fries and pizza crust Icky sticky moldy jelly donuts Under the seat, under the seat She's a slob when she eats, so there's all kinds of treats Under the seat This is the part about tampons Let�s skip the part about tampons Cause there�s no need to pad this song Smelly car, smelly car What has she been eating in you It�s her mobile trash unit It�s a dump on wheels It�s an oil spill in a landfill It�s roadkill on an anthill A bunch of hazmat in some oatmeal With guacamole and banana peels Can't see through the damn windshield Cause it�s her mobile trash unit And her boyfriend�s apartment is much much worse Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie, Samee Cannon, Bethany Hill, and Bill Warrington THE STARBUCKS SONG I need my coffee, I need my coffee, I need my coffee bad The Starbucks lady wants to know my name To write it on my coffee cup And since she'll have to yell it out in a few minutes I like to make stuff up Okay I got a Grande latte for Christian Rock Does anybody know any Christian Rock? They get pretty slammed at the Starbucks They don't really register That name on the cup when they ring it up At the register I got a Venti Americano for P.P. Burns Hey, who's P.P. Burns? They think they know my name at the Starbucks But I don't think they do And if you think I'm obnoxious at the counter You should see me in the drive-thru I got a Tall Blonde Roast for Kitty Litter Kitty Litter please drive around... hello? They won't let me back in the Starbucks They say I'm a jerk and a creep So when I want a Starbucks coffee I gotta go to the one across the street Hey I got an Espresso Con Panna for Jenny Taylya Where's my Jenny Taylya? C'mon! Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie TEN SECONDS OF THE UPDATED FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM BACKWARDS Hey, you figure it out Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie WAITRESS Every night you deal with drunken jerks It's your job to make them think that Everything they say is hilarious And to keep them buying food and drinks Laugh at their stupid inappropriate jokes Bite your tongue and both your lips Cause the club pays you $2.13 an hour And you need these idiots' tips So laugh when you feel like screaming Smile while deep down inside You'd like to disembowel them Stuff their face in a toilet, then Smack them with the towel you used half an hour ago to wipe up that other guy's puke And smile smile smile And I promise you one day you'll get To your eighty-seventh birthday And you'll pay off your student debt Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie A FAMILIAR RING Hi, I'm tech support, putting you on hold all day and I don't care I'm a tik tok video that says wait for it and then doesn't go anywhere I'm people ghosting you and treating you like crap on their shoe Cause you need life more than life needs you Does this have a familiar ring, does it remind you of anything Yes, I'm your ex who was just bored and waited for you to dump him eventually I'm your life and basically everything I'm Kaiser, I'm Cigna, I'll insure your health Just pay your full deductible and go f yourself I'll forget you and ignore you like you don't exist And if you don't like the system you're a communist Does this have a familiar ring, does it remind you of anything I'm your cat who only lets you live because you clean out the catbox and for the food you bring I'm your life and basically everything You wait in line while I waste your time Enjoy guns and religion, hope for remission while the politicians Transition into sedition and highly organized organized crime We don't like it when sports teams change their name We don't like peaceful kneeling in the name of change We like to complain and complain and complain Want everything to stay the same stay the same Cause it worked for us when you worked for us And that's why you're to blame, hey Um, I was enjoying the song and then it got to the bridge which became complicated and loud and now I don't understand what's going on anymore Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no no Does this have a familiar ring, does it remind you of anything I really am your ex who was just blowing you off until you dumped her because she was too much of a coward to end it herself and she probably thought she was letting you down easy but come on who are we kidding And yes this song has a familiar ring, cause I was listening to Garfunkel And Oates just before I wrote it, full disclosure, and it also reminds me of the song from The Big Bang Theory that Howard sang to Bernadette in quarantine Cause this is your life and it's basically everything Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie WHAT KYLE DID WAS LEGAL Hey tiktok, so Kyle Rittenhouse is not guilty? Hey tiktok So what Kyle did was legal, apparently Blew away some people, skateboard versus AR-15 Which by the way he was too young to own legally Cause oh this old judge is a douche bag Kyle's a cry baby, thinks he's the victim here Somehow the jury, believed his mock-a-trial tears Shooting people, like he's after ducks or deer Did I mention the judge is a douche bag Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie and Steve Miller YAPPY DOG My neighbors' wiener dog yaps all night long So to keep from killing him I wrote him a song He goes, then he goes, he takes a breath and then he goes Why'd they have to get a yappy wiener dog When there are so many sweet-demeanor dogs He goes, then he goes, can't they hear this? Yappy dog, yappy dog, yappy dog, yappy dog You're a demonic pup, like satan threw up, I wish you would shut up I'm my in bed, with pillows over my head, I need you to shut up I don't know what you're yelling about, but you're awfully loud, I wish you would shut up Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up I'm not violently inclined, but I'm losing my mind, why can't you just shut up Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up Why can�t they go get a nice quiet mutt A real dog goes bow wow or ruff ruff ruff None of this pathetic psycho yappy stuff A real dog goes arf arf or howls at the moon Hey shut up your face or you�ll be cat food soon Shut up, silence, shekket b'vakasha, shut up I think I might have to go down to Wal-Mart and get me a gun From what I understand there's a good selection Plus I'll get a box of ammunition This is what it means to be American Hello Dachshund my old friend, I think you might fit in the blender Coulda got a collie or a basset hound Nope a one note yap-dog is what they found This is incredibly annoying I've got one bullet left Don't make me come over there I'm serious! Kyle! Now I don't have to write a song after all What? I missed? Oh brother... Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie ADAM AND STEVE Marriage is between one man and one woman Read your bible, have faith, believe, and shut up God loves you, that's why you're an abomination that must be fixed Cause it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve We've all heard this stupid slogan It's gross and it's mean and it's wrong (and it's stupid) And while fighting against it, I've been convinced it Was all about me all along If it was Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve Then I guess I don't exist Cause my little brother's name is Adam, and I'm Steve So I'm even more existentially pissed He's even more existentially pissed So if you're wondering why I turned out so weird Maybe it's because my parents were so anti-homophobic that they unconsciously made me and my brother the poster siblings for tolerance without consulting us, and as a result I, Steve, have taken on the role of The Entire Problem and frankly that's EXHAUSTING! (I mean that's exhausting) So I'm a sensitive and confused hetero white male with issues Poor poor me! Hey let's all sing! If it was Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve Then I guess I don't exist Cause my little brother's name is Adam (true story) So I'm even more existentially pissed He's even more existentially pissed Sara: Hey Uncle Steve... Steve: Hey SaraI Hey everybody, it's my niece! What's going on Sara? Sara: I just wanted to say, I think it's awesome that even though you and my dad are Adam and Steve, neither of you is gay... so checkmate homophobes! The slogan doesn't mean what you think it means! But of course, I'm gay, so maybe it skips a generation? Steve: Hmmmm... I'm not sure... but hey, shall we sing the chorus again? Yeah! If it was Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve Then I guess I don't exist Cause my little brother's name is Adam (true story) So I'm even more existentially pissed I think it goes all the way back to my bris The party of smaller government says cease and desist Now if you say gay they get their panties in a twist Uh, separation of church and state? Have you heard of that, ya nitwits? And hey, how did my name get mixed up in your bigoted bulls***? Now I�m even more existentially pissed He�s even more existentially pissed Hey Florida... GAY! Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie DELTA SPAWN Delta spawn, delta spawn Damn we thought this crap was gone Could it be we're heading back to quaranti-i-i-ine Now the governors of red states Have gone and outlawed mask mandates Seems to me the GOP wants us to die (including kids) I'm sure glad I got my full vacci-i-i-ine Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie WE LOVE YOU GILBERT We love you Gilbert, I hope you know We hear you Gilbert, where did you go Knowing you, you went a little too far That's who you are Dear Gilbert, please come back We miss your voice, we miss your quack What will we do without your amazing colossal podcast You aristocrat Oh Gilbert this time you've gone too far Of course it had to be you who died, and not Dice or Dennis Miller, yuck Just kidding, but you knew that, that's who you are You've gone much too far Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie BACK TO THE U.S.S.R. Flew into Odessa on my way to Kiiv No we didn't pick this fight But we gotta make some Russians turn around and leave So we�re keeping Putin up at night Go back to the USSR. you've gone a little too far, boy Go back to the USSR We knew you'd come along and try to grab this place Like a pasty-faced Stalin clone But we've rallied our resistance right up in your face Comrade take your butt back home Go back to the USSR, you don't know how gutsy we are, boy Go back to the US... hey take your BS... back to the USSR Our Ukraine kids'll push your soldiers out They'll kick your red behind You Moscow turd, go on and scream and pout You must have lost your freaking my my my my my my my my mind Go back to the USSR, you psycho wannabe czar, boy Go back to the USSR Our Ukraine kids have got a lot of clout And you've done crossed the line We can't just wait and see how this plays out We know Norway's on your my my my my my my my my mind We'll show you where the exit is, way out east Your supply-lines are running thin We're gonna have the last laugh on the communeests Cause Zelensky's a comedian Go back to the USSR, we know what a butthead you are boy Go back to the USSR Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie, John Trentes, and Lennon & McCartney THAT VLADIMIR That Vladimir's a real big jerk who puts his nipples on display But our VLODOMIR is a real tough dude when the missles head our way We've got a nice democracy here, we won't let it go back in time That Vladimir's a real big jerk, and we're gonna make him resign, oh yeah And he's already a punchline Copyright 2022 Steve Goodie and Lennon & McCartney |
PANDEMIC VACATION Some got busy, some got lazy Some got creative, some went crazy Couch potaters, avoiding respirators We all got pretty big 'round the equator Shopping online, working online Zooming all day, no pants, that's fine Hiding at home from civilation Here's what I did over my pandemic vacation In chronological order, more or less With the non-political songs first Cause not everybody wants to hear what I think politically And I understand that But honestly, how could anyone get through the past eighteen months without one political thought? Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie QUARANTINE-CLEMENTINE In a cabin, going crazy Cause a flu that's worse than swine Swept the planet, so goddammit Here we are in quarantine We've been quarreling, we've been snarling Oh my darling wife of mine It's a toilet-paper-zombie-apocalypse So we're here in quarantine Copyright 2020 Steve Goodie BABY YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL FOR ME I came to Florida for Spring Break In the middle of the outbreak Came down from my school in New York Fraternized in defiance Of hygiene and science Cause social-distance is for boomers and dorks We did not care about isolation Six feet of separation Was not, for this hot girl and me Slammed tequila in Daytona Squeezed limes into... PBR And then we hooked up, screw the CDC We both passed out in her apartment For like a week, til the health department Locked us in, for all eternity So while the virus was bein' spread We got quarantee-yin-ded... And baby, you�re the only girl for me You�re the only other person I�m ever gonna see All the vectors and infectors are out there roaming free But baby you�re the only girl for me Copyright 2020 Bob McPeek and Steve Goodie and Amanda Cohen TWO CHICKENS I'm gonna take you to a restaurant, my dear And order hot chicken that's rockin now baby, we'll make it disappear What's taking so long, where's our waiter gone Come on ya moron, what's taking so long He brought two chickens with parasites But we were starving, it looked all right We got two chickens with parasites Now we'll yak and gag and heave tonight Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no They better take us to a hospital, my dear We've got intestinal problems, that chicken's gonna reappear That chicken was raw, they didn't cook it too long And now this disgusting song, it just goes on and on and on and on We got two chickens with parasites We're gonna yak and gag and heave tonight Cause he brought two chickens with parasites They'll pump our stomachs until daylight We got two chickens with parasites But we were starving, it looked all right He brought two chickens with parasites I shouldn'ta been a Karen-type Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie and Professor Incubus THE WHO'S ON FIRST SONG When I was young 'un, almost a pre-teen I loved Mad Magazine They had cartoons and satire, oh you betchas And best of all classic comedy sketches During Watergate, Charles Manson, and Patty Hurst My brother and I memorized Who's On First Who's on first? What? No, I don't know! He's on third! You know... Adam was Bud and I was Lou We performed for the family and boy were we lame But they laughed a lot all the same Our timing was odd and our delivery was strange Everyone said we'd get better when our voices changed A few years went by, we got halfway okay And when the folks said �do your skit� we'd say, �no way� Cause kids are adorable, but teenagers suck And we forgot it like a couple of shmucks Decades later, when we'd all moved away Our parents had a big birthday They were born in the same month, so my siblings and I Planned a great big joint birthday par-tie I called up my brother, �hey bro, what do you say We do Who's On First for their eightieth birthdays?� He said okay, though now he claims he was coerced Into re-memorizing Who's On First Well we got into town a couple hours in advance So scared we nearly wet our pants Everyone had fun, the party was the bomb As we toasted our fabulous dad and mom Then we got up in front of this half-drunken group Determined to perform, praying not to poop We got through it somehow, and the folks both cried And that's what you want with classic comedye Yeah we made a couple of mistakes, but we let 'em slide The important thing is, no one died Then the pandemic hit, and locked in my room I started doing dumb comedy shows on zoom And with a satellite hookup and a big green screen I got Adam to record his part, and take 115 Was almost perfect, and with my quarantine haircut I'm Costello and he's...hey Abbott!!! (sketch) So that's our shortstop, and that's the skit Hope you didn't want no more, cause that's about it We had a lot of fun, and we hope you did too Goodnight from Bud and Lou (well, Adam and Steve... and actually nobody really got drunk at that thing, and it was only 23 takes) Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie ROWLING GET OFF TWITTER When you wrote about muggles and wizards I could read your novels all night and day But lately I've been grievin' 'bout your recent frequent tweetin' And I wonder what good old Harry would say Your mean tweets we've been surfin' Why you gotta keep on terfin' Rowling, Rowling, Rowling get off Twitter Hey were you raised in a cupboard? Or Ben Shapiro's house, or in eighteen-fifteeyen? You think you're all maternal but you sound like Moaning Myrtle Why you so hung up on where people are peein'? Mean tweets you've been blurtin' Now you're the person fans are cursin' Rowling, Rowling, Rowling get off Twitter If you go down to her twitter You'll find a lot of words for "I'm a hypocrite" You're such a famous icon, why choose this hill to die on Could you shut up for a second and listen a bit Big money you've been earnin To Slytherin you're revertin' Rowling, Rowling, Rowling get off Twitter Copyright 2021 Jace McLain and Steve Goodie FLORIDA MAN Florida man, Florida man I guess you�re part of the master plan That only Darwin can hope to understand You�re a farce of nature, Florida man Florida man, a curious species A sucker of toes and a flinger of feces You're resisting arrest, while singing off-key karaoke From the keys to Tallahassee, and back down to Okeechobee Florida man you take a bold stance With a python in your toilet and a lobster down your pants You squabble with squirrels and you fight Easter bunnies It would be tragic if it weren�t so damn funny Florida man, Florida man You�re a proud part of the master plan That only Darwin can hope to understand You�re a farce of nature, Florida man Florida man, seems you�re everywhere Shooting down hurricanes by firing your gun in the air Shouting from rooftops in your underwear Vaping for Jesus while you bare your pair Florida man, you keep us amused Tossin� alligators through the Wendy�s drive thru Florida man, always in the news Relentless, ridiculous, you gotta be you Florida man, Florida man A proud missing link in the master plan Darwin just called, even he don't understand You�re a farce of nature, Florida man You went to Donald�s rally with a penis on your head Licking door handles to help Covid spread That cocaine wasn�t yours, though they found it in your nose So you hid inside the chicken coop not wearin� any clothes Florida man, your ranks are growing A thousand a day �cross your state line a-flowing The whole world is watching the weird shit you�re showing How far will you sink and where the hell are you going? Florida man, Florida man Sent here by God, who you know first hand There was nothing to see in your latest brain-scan You�re a farce of nature, Florida man You ain't hooked up right, you got malware in your server You tried arson with pasta, and assault with a cheeseburger You put a bonnet on your head and stole baby food and eggs And somehow you managed it with no arms or legs Florida man, Florida man So funny, so sexy, so completely out of hand A walking and talking adrenal gland You�re a farce of nature, Florida man Copyright 2020 Bob McPeek and Steve Goodie GASLIGHTER Gaslighter, gaslighter, light me some gas Say some crazy crap, you pulled from your ass Gaslighter, gaslighter, drink up some bleach And make me some perfect gas Gaslighter, gaslighter, tweeting away At 3 am, finding someone to blame Gaslighting always makes stuff go away Take no responsibili-tay Obama, he started all this Obama, everyone knows it's his fault On your toilet, in your pajamas You're whining and bitching and... oy gevalt Gaslighter, gaslighter, light me some gas Thousands are dead, and they're piling up fast You went to a mask-factory and wouldn't wear a damn mask In November you're out on your ass � I hope! Copyright 2020 Bob McPeek and Steve Goodie TOO SOON Too soon, some folks refuse to stay home Quarantine is too hard, they say it's all overblown Dum da da dum, da dum da dum dum Is it gone is it gone, gol dang it ain't gone But out they all run � Too soon, they go out in defiance Against all reason and science, so proud of their noncompliance Weeks of quarantine, now they all want haircuts Screaming �hoax,� bearing arms, they�re protesting (and not distancing) Then there's the trump team, holy crap they�re nuts Trying to sell Hydroxychloroquine, much too soon Too soon, virus is still multiplyin' They don�t mind grandma dyin', but I still kinda like mine Dum da da dum, da dum da dum dum Open up, open up, we must open up And we listen to Trump � And when the cases start spiking, they say sorry, we didn�t understand But pandemics with an exponential rate of infection should not be taken lightly, was it worth that trip to Disneyland? Dum da da dum, da dum da dum dum Want some fun, want some fun, we gotta have fun Good lord are we dumb � Too soon, you refuse isolation And you fear vaccination, I will plan your cremation Dum da da dum, da dum da dum dum Is it gone is it gone, dang it ain't gone Want some fun, want some fun, we gotta have fun Open up, open up, second wave coming up We need to buy stuff, and we listen to Trump Or even if we don�t, we gotta go out And earnestly protest the egregious and ongoing racial bias in law-enforcement and in society in general, which is commendable to protest but we still need to be careful... and stop confusing peaceful protesters with rioters and looters, who should also wear masks... actually they should just stay home and not riot and loot... but in any case... Too soon Copyright 2020 Steve Goodie and Amanda Cohen END TIMES I guarantee if Hillary were in the white house today You could get some damn Purell, you'd still have a 401k The shelves would have some toilet paper, you could fly and you could work The schools would still be open, but no, we got this jerk I guarantee if Hillary, were the current president You wouldn't need two hundred masks, you could go to sports events You might go to Disney, you might go see a play You wouldn't have to wash your hands two thousand times a day Sure yeah, she's the anti-Christ But yeah, good thing Trump's so nice He's a criminal, and they applaud his crimes I say if Hillary were president... this might not be end times Corona is a hoax, of course, it's all a lib-tard plot And Hillary's orchestrating it, we all know it's all her fault She's got all the power, she commands our global fate She's made George Soros her bitch, and they run that deep dark state And yet... and yet... with all her huge connections She couldn't win an election, somehow she came in second So yeah, she's the anti-Christ But yeah, she's way better than this guy He'll kill us all, and they applaud his crimes I say if Hillary were president... this might not be end times Yeah, she's the anti-Christ And yeah, she only comes out at night We should lock her up, cause Donny's always right She's not the stable genius, y'all sleep well tonight Copyright 2020 Steve Goodie VOTE BLUE My friend Marty, he wants to split the party He wants blue folks in red states to vote green I can see his point though, I really gotta say no We can't have another 2016 It seems nothing beats orange nothing even freaking rhymes with it What's a battered nation supposed to do His royal orange highness, he does love to divide us We gotta stick together and vote blue When I recycle I'm green Green as green can be I do my level best yes it's true But when I'm voting in November I've promised to remember It's us against him, gotta vote blue Don't think I'm a hater, I love Ralph Nader I don't blame him for the mess in Y2K With those who represent us, I'm playing the percentages Voting blue down the ticket all the way When I recycle I'm green Green as green can be And I drive a freaking Prius yes it's true - and it's blue But when I'm voting this election The best Eco protection Is to kick the orange out, gotta vote blue The greens throw all this crazy math at me But I'm tired of the whole world having a good laugh at me When I recycle I'm green Green as green can be And in the primary I voted for Bernie too - twice But we need some peace and harmony So I'm voting for our nominee And if you need to hold your nose, that's cool, that's cool I'll even hold your nose for you Just vote blue vote blue vote blue vote blue vote blue Vote blue vote blue gotta vote blue Copyright 2020 Steve Goodie HANG IT UP YOU'RE THROUGH Surely you're going to stop your whining, and get it through your orange head Donny boy you lost it all, one term is all you get Your lawyers tried to put together, a case for you, creampuff I know you don't like arithmetic, but 70 million isn't big enough No you can't stand it that we went with Joe, as case after case you lose Can't admit your ass is toast, you tweet and you tweet your blues Poor little you, hang it up you're through You want another term, ok, I sure hope you'll serve Solitary with no parole, starting January 21st We know you think you're Kim Jong Don, but damn give it a rest Get out, you're done, you suck, we won, now we gotta clean up your mess Don't let the door hit you in the brains, when you finally go away You killed a lot of progress but we've still got democracy No thanks to you, hang it up you're through Too many slobs can't think too good, buy into the lies you tell And you like to repeat them so damn much, the cult's under your spell But you're going down, you didn't get the votes, you're fired, you're unemployed You had some fun for a while, now hit the road, you big damn stinky hemorrhoid Cause all the while you had the throne I had no peace of mind You grabbed a lot of women, and still the evangelicals think you're divine How can that be true, hang it up you're through She was working a topless gig while your third wife was nursing your spawn That's about all I can say about that, cause I puke when I think about it Don Then later on the word got out and now Stormy is a household name You said hey Michael Cohen, throw the dog a bone, and go to jail for your Charlemagne All this crap would have been the death of any other candidate But you've got dirt on everyone and they let you slide, man you nauseate Me, yes you do, hang it up you're through You let an epidemic grow, said it would disappear overnight You had no plan, no not one clue, and now every day thousands die Wouldn't wear a mask, you big jackass, you just can't freaking learn Held events inside, spread it far and wide, and you think you get another term And every one of your diehard fans has lost their mind and lost their soul Hanging onto every word, though they're incomprehensible You stable genius you, hang it up you're through You tried to kill the post office, cause mail-in was big with covid Even though you vote that way yourself you bloated old hypocrite Then election day didn't go your way, but you still won't concede The other guy got more votes, like you think you did in 2016 For weeks you screamed it's fraud it's fake, against all common sense Getting thrown out of every single court, because, you know, evidence You dumb hairdo, hang it up you're through So now we're going back again, back to a halfway sane white house All your people have got to go, I'm looking at you Moscow Goodbye to your sedition, and mob-rule and corruption and lies And I think to get things started we'll give you ten to life They'll perp-walk you across the road, as you whine and cry and scream I'll raise a glass and drink a toast to the end your sick regime And your swamp-gas too, hang it up you're through Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie Q-ANON GIRL On January 6, 2021, followers of Trump and something called �Q-Anon� attempted a coup at the United States Capitol. Who are these people? I wanna live with a Q-anon girl I could be happy the rest of my life with a Q-anon girl Believer of theories, she leans to the right She never gets weary of being gullible and white She's my Q-anon girl And like members of any cult, these folks seem willing to follow the directions of their leaders, no matter how irrational, or insane, or stupid they may be. She likes crazy leaders, she likes worshiping She learned from a young age to believe anything She's my Q-anon girl She voted for trump twice, she bows at his feet He promised her he�d kill the liberal elite For my Q-anon girl Here is what is expected of the members of a cult: excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to the leader, and to the leader's belief system, ideology, and practices, as if they were the absolute truth, the absolute law. The leader dictates how members should act, think, and feel... and of course, whether acts of treason are really patriotism. She's out at the capitol now Getting maced, crying ow She's never been denied Poor baby she's entitled and white, white, white, lily-white And as an added bonus, members of Q-Anon have been convinced that the left in the United States is a cabal of satan-worshipping canaballistic pedophiles, who organize themselves in the basements of pizza parlors which don't have basements. And they firmly believe, from the very depths of their soul, that the only person, the only entity in the entire universe who can save us from the cabal of satan- worshipping canaballistic pedophiles, is one Donald J. Trump. They don't have any evidence for any of this, mind you... they just believe. Because believers believe. I think there's something about... 72 virgins? Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie DON'T LET THIS TRAITOR LAND Don't let this traitor land Send him back to my land Don't let him ashore man We elected Biden Gotta put him on trial for Treason and sedition and racketeering and extortion and obstruction and bribery and bank fraud and insurance fraud and conspiracy to defraud and tax-evasion and money laundering and kids in cages felony murder and coersion and collusion and quid pro quo and 25,000 lies and half a million Americans dead Plus he's hot for his daughter This man must pay immediately for his crime spree Must not go free this manatee Must never tweet must never see his family Throw away the key Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie THE THREE DOG NIGHT ONE-TERM LOSER MAGA MORON MEDLEY Just an old fashioned gun law Coming from the crazy GOP Just an insane open-carry no-permit-needed free-for-all gun law Makes me so proud to live in Tennessee Well he's never been to Pittsburgh But he's been to Mar-a-lago And when he visits Puerto Rico He always brings some paper towels In Arizona, they keep counting votes but What does it matter, ain't nothing sadder Tucker told me Donald won, that's right, that's why Maga threw an insurrection, then someone got kicked of Twitter But there ain't no way Donald won, none There ain't no rigged election, son Wash away my sorrows, wash away my tears Uncle Joe and Kamala I had one long nervous breakdown for four damn years Glad we got Joe and Kamala Q-oooo-ooooo-oooo-anon... they say Don's coming back Q-oooo-ooooo-oooo-anon... oh the IQ points they lack There's a lying sack of bull crap Ken Copeland and Al Capone combined His believers hang on every single word he says When he's talking out of his behind Yeah he always has some mighty fine hydroxychloroquine Singing oy, I'm gonna hurl He's the nitwit whisperer He thinks the moon's a plant and his cult agrees He's full of hamberders and covfefe Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie LOVE MATT I'm Matt Gaetz and Matt Gaetz is NOT involved in any sex trafficking scandal! If you see a Trumpy guy, buying girls with venmo That's Florida representative Matt Gaetz and we love Matt! We love Matt yeah yeah He's heading down the Anthony Weiner highway (but this ain't dick pics) He's looking for some love, on layaway He's paying for girls, yep, they're underage He's got a rich dad, and he's happy to pay, the convention's in town called CPAC I got me hottub and it seats about 20 so c'mon, daddy gave me trafficking money We love Matt, and his punchable face better, stay away from the daycare center We love Matt baby, a-love Matt bay-bee We love Matt, babies love Matt We love Matt, he's a rich brat And Matt loves babies cause that's where it's at Huggin and a-kissin, dancin with some children Wearing next to nothing, going baby-seal clubbin' Old Matt's busy cause everybody loves getting paid, getting laid, underage, FLA Everybody's drinkin', the GOP is stinkin' baby Girls lining up outside cause he's in town Now they'll be prosecutin' cause we're girls that he's recruitin' baby Funky little Matt, I hear he's hung like a gnat I'm Matt Gaetz and Matt Gaetz would never use a website like that... not ever, not in a million jillion years! Hop in his Bentley it's as big as a whale, and he's out to get tail Yeah it's got a bar and you look like you're 20 so c'mon, Donnie gave me pussy-grabbing money He's a thug Matt, and he needed a date so, he wrote a check to get us We love Matt baby, a-love Matt bay-bee We love Matt, babies love Matt We love Matt, he's a rich twat He's a whiny little brat Listen, I called you cause they said you can keep your mouth shut... Dang dang dang,we're offshore baby... I like em a little younger sugar Bang bang bang, buying whores baby... I can�t be seen with you Bang bang! We're offshore, baby Bang bang! He's a whore! Bang bang! Drink some more, baby! Bang bang! You're what?! I'm like, almost seventeen... busted We love Matt, he's a slug Matt We love Matt, rich and smug brat D'oh, he ate where he shat We love Matt, babies love Matt We love Matt, he's a rich twat I'd probably go to prison, except there isn't any witnesses... huh? What? I'm on the news? Oh, crap You know, tipping is encouraged... Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie TED CRUZ Texas water has turned to snow, and that�s why Ted Cruz had to go With his family off to Cancun they went, to escape his frozen constituents And now that he�s in Mexico, Americans unite with one call Right wing and left wing, now we all shout... BUILD THAT WALL! You slimy entitled piece of poop Go, we hope you plan on staying And I think we can agree that if Ted�s down there Mexico is definitely paying Oh it�s cold at night, and the stoves won�t light Ted has no heart, why�d you elect him He�s always been a bigoted treasonous worm I�m glad United Airlines let him check in Here�s hoping Cancun won�t reject him While AOC raises millions for Texans Hey Texas could you please not re-elect him Copyright 2021 Steve Goodie DON'T BE A DICK - PANDEMIC EDITION Wash your hands, it's not that hard To avoid groups, and stay six feet apart It's not just about you, it's a damn pandemic All we're asking you is, don�t be a dick Don�t be a dick, stay at home, don�t be a dick It's really not so bad, you've got wine and Netflix If you're ignoring warnings, you literally make me sick Cause all you have to do is, don�t be a dick Work from home, clean your house Or just park, your big ass on the couch You've got enough TP, don't go hoarding it All you have to do is, don�t be a dick Don�t be a dick, stay at home, don�t be a dick Live in your pajamas, enjoy the apocalypse Your grandpa went to war, you can handle this All you have to do is, don�t be a dick Don't be a weiner, we gotta quarantine ya Don't be a schlong, you won't be unemployed for long We'll all be out of luck, if you keep acting like a shmuck What I really mean is, don't be a total... penis Don�t be a dick, stay at home don�t be a dick It's really not so bad, you've got porn, weed, and chips Listen to the CDC, not your Uncle Bob's bullshit All you have to do is, don�t be a dick When this is said and done, we'll all have roots and a big man-bun And all you have to do is... wash your hands, stay inside, don't touch your face, take your temperature, don't sneeze on anyone, don't visit grandma for a while, call your mom... and remember... to not be... that guy Copyright 2020 Steve Goodie, Ashley E. Norton, and Jenny Casey SHITTY LI'L LOVE SONG - PANDEMIC EDITION I don't believe in Santa Claus, I'm doubtful about God Although I pray I'm wrong And I don't believe in perfect happiness a lot But I believe perfect misery comes along And I don't believe in the tooth fairy I don't believe in goblins and spooks But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you Well I don't believe politicians tell the truth Even when they swear they do But I believe they're a little bit like me and you So their representation is true And I don't believe all I read in the paper I often scoff at what I peruse But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you, yes I do I don't believe decorum is always the best thing do to But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you Yeah I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you I love the shit out of you Copyright 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP I WANT IT BACK - PANDEMIC EDITION I gave you my heart I didn't make you win it I gave you a dress but I never saw you in it Now you say it's over just as soon as we begin it Here's a flower baby stick your nose in it When I wrote you this song I thought we were fine Then you sprouted some horns so I grew me a spine No I'm not the kind of guy who'd go and give you a smack Well I wrote you this song now I want it back You wanted me bad, then you wanted to wait You put up this wall I couldn't penetrate You said you were waiting for the perfect time Turns out I was waiting in a really long line When I wrote you this song I'd have given you the sky Turns out you seduced two thirds of Gamma Pi And in the library too in the non-fiction stacks Well I wrote you this song now I want it back Yes I wrote you this song now I want it back Do you love me do you love me Or anyone you know (are you into backup singers) Do you want this song Do you know how it goes No I don't think you know When I wrote you this song it was lightness and fluff I couldn't do no better I couldn't get enough And now I'm serious like a f'ing heart attack You can keep my stuff but I want the song back Yes I wrote you this song and I want it back Well I wrote you a song and I want it back Yeah I wrote you a song and I, I want it back Wrote you a song and I want it back Yeah I wrote you a song now I, I want it back Well I wrote you a song and I want it back You can keep my stuff but I want the song back Do you love me, do you love me Copyright 1995 Steve Goodie |
RUDOLPH DROPPED A PACKAGE ON MY ROOFTOP (Reindeer Song #2) Christmas Eve had started we were all excited from the cheer We waited in our cozy beds for Santa to appear My heart started to pound with glee like the hoof prints up above. The big man in red and his crazy sled, so full of joy and love But then there came a jarring plop, like a bag of wet cement But that was nothing to the smell that came in every vent Rudolph dropped a package on my rooftop Now we can�t get anywhere near the tree We�ve had to evacuate for Christmas, That stinky little reindeer made us flee. This year we all had such high hopes for Christmas We�d all been so very good all year. We thought nothing could be worse than a stocking full of coal Until the gift plopped out of Rudy's rear Rudolph dropped a package on my rooftop. Now we can�t get anywhere near the tree We�ve had to evacuate for Christmas That kind of roasted chestnut ain't for me He puts the rude in Rudolph, and as the leader of the crew He was their number one, so they all did number two... a chain reaction Prancer assumed the stance, while Dancer filled his pants And just then in the flash, Dasher took out the trash Donner did the honors, Cupid got all putrid Comet dropped a bomb While Vixen, and Blitzen, took a...(Wheeee) Rudolph dropped a package on my rooftop Those ain't sugar plums, oh no no no We�ve had to evacuate for Christmas I'm sure glad Santa don't drive buffalo Copyright 2020 Brad Tassell and Steve Goodie THE WRAPPING RAP Time's running out to conceal the contents Of just about a million children's presents Just ran in from a freakin blizzard Can't find the tape, can't find the scissors All out of paper, all out of bows All out of tags, whose is this? Who knows? I'm running on fumes, just about empty But look at that pile, it's way too many Wait, I think I've found a way out of this snag Everything goes in a Christmas bag Not gonna bother with this wrapping crap And that's the end of this wrapping rap You think you�re done, but you ain�t by half You think those boxes is all there is to a wrap Those two bikes won�t assemble themselves No time to relax like the elf on the shelf At least 50 small parts go into that drone Even the dog wants to open up a bone Batteries go in a half dozen things The trampoline man it came sans springs You forgot about the nine gifts you hid in June You can�t put a bow around a psychedelic moon You thought you were done, but you got no idea. Now get to work on the the desk you bought from Ikea Copyright 2020 Steve Goodie and Brad Tassell TWO-STEP CHRISTMAS I was born the youngest of four crazy kids And Christmas morning always started at 6 From the top of the stairs we'd come down like a mob To make sure Santa had done his job Now after the presents, Mom would announce Put on your coats, we're getting out of this house I asked �where we going?� she'd say, �not you, dear We'll be back in a couple of hours, you stay here� See my mom and dad had been married before But they never had bothered to tell me the score So I got a lot of siblings, but they're all just half They all got step-parents, well, you do the math They had a two-step Christmas They did the two-step Christmas. They had step-families all over town But my folks had stayed married, so I got left out I got one little Christmas, they got more than two Ever feel like Christmas stepped all over you? I'd try to be grateful for all of my gifts But I really got the short end of the Christmas stick My brothers had twenty new gifts in their stash �Hey, where'd you get all that Christmas cash?� Leaving me out was so impolite Who'd I piss off not to get an invite? They had a two-step Christmas They did the two-step Christmas They get more presents and they're all top-drawer Cause guilt-ridden parents give a whole lot more I spent Christmas alone, oh super, that's fine Man I wish that two-step Christmas could be mine I gotta get me a family that blends Or spend Christmas season with my Jewish friends Eight nights of presents, that I can endorse Or get Mom and Dad to get a divorce I'd get a two-step Christmas They'd do the two-step Christmas I got only one chimney for Santa to come down But he finds my siblings all over town Extra gifts from extra moms and loot from extra dads And all the great-grandparents I never had I want a two-step Christmas They do the two-step Christmas I leave extra milk and cookies for Santa's snack The least he could do is fill an extra sack I got one little Christmas they get more than two Parents who stay married... how selfish are you? Seriously Copyright 2020 Brad Tassell and Steve Goodie JEWISH CHRISTMAS CAROL MEDLEY I have no gift for you, pa rum pa pum pum I don�t believe in you, pa rum pa pum pum Don�t rest ye merry Jewish men You have to work today You took a week for Hanukkah So now you have to pay Hark the herald angels sing You ain�t getting anything O Rosenbaum, o Rosenbaum It�s just another night for you O Rosenbaum, o Rosenbaum No Santa Claus in sight for you No stockings and no mistletoe No cabbage patch, and no Elmo O Rosenbaum, o chosen-baum This season has to bite for you Oy to the world, this season blows I got, this shirt, that�s it My friends all got cool toys Those crummy little goys Got candy and lots of cash While this shirt gave me a rash Oh Santa can kiss my a** My Jewish � Copyright 2002 Steve Goodie TWIST OF THE DREIDEL I had it good, I had it made A kitchenette, a Chevrolet Money, laundry, big screen TV I lost it all with a sharp, cruel twist of the dreidel It started out a friendly game Once in a while, but it became All night after work, little Bobby Schwartzberg Took it all with a sharp cruel twist of the dreidel I�d be the first to say I should have stood and walked away But now it�s all too late I played to win, I raised the stakes, I let it spin And left it up to fate Gimmel! Gimmel! Gimmel! Gimmel! Nuun! Nuts!! And now I�m living in a box beside the road No kitchenette, no commode No friends, no shoes, nothing left to lose I lost it all with a sharp, cruel twist of the dreidel But I still hear it call I�ve seen the dreidel and the damage done But I wanna have some fun I�m getting lucky tonight I�m getting lucky tonight Dreidel dreidel, made of clay-del Dreidel made a fool out of me Copyright 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS SWEATERS On the first Christmas sweater that my true love gave to me was The leg lamp from Christmas Story On the second Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Two Monster trucks And Godzilla fighting Bruce Lee On the third Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Three little pigs Two Magic Mikes And a dog watching Cops on TV On the fourth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Four Beatle heads Three blind mice Two horny toads And a sloth in a Lamborghini On the fifth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Five Golden...Girls! Four naked Smurfs Three Amigos Two cans of Spam And a drink holder stretched to my knee On the sixth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Six Mueller convictions Five jingle...balls! Four Kim Jong Uns Three drunk elves Two cracked nuts And a goat with a hipster goat-tee On the seventh Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Seven dwarfs hot-tubbing Six strips of bacon Five Chandler Bings! Four wiener dogs Three Sith lords Two water bongs And a Christmas Vacation R.V. On the eighth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Eight-legged lobsters Seven-colored rainbows Six-packs of Guinness Five dingalings Four parrot turds Three Stooges Two-headed cows And an Avatar babe in 3-D On the ninth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Nine Supreme Court judges Eight naughty snowmen Seven cats with lasers Six cups for beer pong Five gold G-strings! Four lava lamps Three canned hams Two Vulcan ears And Bo Duke in the General Lee On the tenth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Ten pounds of tinsel Nine sprigs of holly Eight bags of glitter Seven chains of popcorn Six rolls of ribbon Five Ho-ho...HOS! Four flying squirrels Three Care Bears Two kissing sharks And a purple box full of Plan B On the eleventh Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Eleven strippers stripping Ten pins for bowling Nine babies dancing Eight reindeer mating Seven llamas pooping Six wrestlers sweating Five Golden...Retrievers! Four-letter words Three Trump wives Two camel toes And Beyonce twerking Jay-Z On the twelfth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me Twelve Pee Wee Hermans Eleven pez dispensers Ten joke commandments Nine Santas mooning Eight zombies eating 7-Eleven Slurpees Six Big Lebowskis Five strands of lights... which gave me... Four muscle sprains Three slipped discs Two pulled groins Now I need physical therapy Copyright 2018 M. Spaff Sumsion THE THURSDAY CAROL Have a very merry Thursday, It's a special time of week When Thursday bells are pealing and life no longer seems so bleak Let's open up our presents and carve our Thursday goose And wait for Father Thursday to arrive upon his moose Thursday comes but once a week, but do not shed a tear "Cause there are more than fifty Thursdays packed in every year And every single one of them is full of mirth and glee So stuff your face and break some wind and join the reverie Have a very merry Thursday, put on your orange fez And decorate the Thursday tree with Milkbones, Spam, and Pez Once you've curled your moustache and donned your Thursday clothes I'll catch you 'neath the mistletoe & punch you in the nose. Merry Thursday Merry Thursday Merry Thursday Copyright 2017 Andy Corwin GRANDPA GOT RUN OVER BY A HYBRID Grandpa got run over by a hybrid Walking through the Whole Foods parking lot Dang he said that engine sure is quiet And that turned out to be his final thought The driver did not see him coming Till through the windshield Grandpa sailed She said at first she thought what hit her Was just a giant flying cursing bag of kale Soon the whole town was a-twitter With the cautionary tale Speculating in a whisper Should the driver or the car be sent to jail Grandpa got run over by a hybrid Walking through the Whole Foods parking lot Dang he said that engine sure is quiet As he dropped three jugs of soy milk that he'd just bought The coroner said that Grandpa's Arteries were squeaky clean He went so far as to declare him The healthiest dead guy he'd ever seen They interviewed my Uncle Buddy On the local news at ten He said, well yeah we're gonna miss him But that's the way he woulda wanted to have went Grandpa got run over by a hybrid Walking through the Whole Foods parking lot Dang he said that engine sure is quiet Quiet as the hydroponic farm that he just bought Grandma said it was ironic As we laid him in his grave If he'd just come with us to Sonic He would still be standing here with us today Grandpa got run over by a hybrid Walking through the Whole Foods parking lot Dang he said that engine sure is quiet And that turned out to be his final thought Copyright 2018 Randy Brooks and Pam Belford SLEEP TIL CHRISTMAS MORNING Santa won't come If you're not asleep Santa won't come if you make a peep Santa won't come if you're not asleep You gotta sleep til Christmas morning Sleep til Christmas morning Santa won't come If you're wide awake Santa won't come don't make that mistake Santa won't come if you're wide awake Better sleep til Christmas morning Better sleep til Christmas morning Santa he won't darken your door If he hears your feet on the floor Cuddle up tight and warm in your bed Then jolly old St. Nick will land his sled Santa won't come If you're not asleep Santa won't come if you make a peep Santa won't come if you're not asleep You gotta sleep til Christmas morning You gotta sleep til Christmas morning Santa he won't darken your door If he hears your feet on the floor Cuddle up tight and warm in your bed Then jolly old St. Nick will land his sled Santa won't come If you're wide awake Santa won't come don't make that mistake Santa won't come if you're wide awake Better sleep til Christmas morning Better sleep til Christmas morning Better sleep til Christmas morning Copyright 2020 Brad Tassell and Steve Goodie MENDEL THE REINDEER So you think you�ve heard them all Every Christmas song Every yuletide carol that has ever come along That�s not quite true We present one more to you Mendel the Reindeer reported for work on the 24th night of December Mendel had come all the way from New York, clutching an overnight letter Saying Dasher was sick and a desperate St. Nick needed somebody healthy instead But Santa didn�t hire Mendel, he took a reindeer named Fred Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel What do you know about Christmas anyway? What do you know? Oy vey! Mendel asked Santa Claus, �Why�d you reject me? So blatantly, anti-Semitically?� But Santa said, �Mendel, that�s simply not true Just look around here, we�re all Jewish too� You know Herschel and Harry and Larry and Tevya Lenny and Izzy and Yankel and Edna Jewish reindeer one and all, each one of them is They just changed their Hebrew names for showbiz (�Even Rudolph?� �Well, he�s Hindu...�) Mendel-le, Mendel-le, won�t you please believe Who else would want to work for me every Christmas Eve Mendel Mendel, would you be mollified If I said you�re overqualified Maybe you�d be better suited for a desk job What do you say? Okay! Mendel the reindeer reported for work On the 26th day of December Sorting complaints from the bad boys and girls Who got socks instead of Nintender And Dasher got well, and Fred went back to Jersey To his job at the agnostic petting zoo So what do we know about Christmas anyway It�s Jews pulling the sleigh Except for Rudolph, he�s from Bombay And oh, by the way The Easter bunny�s... got an alternate lifestyle Copyright 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor THIS YEAR I'M PULLING CHRISTMAS OUT OF MY... It�s the night before Christmas, ho ho ho I guess The kids are asleep, and I�m stuck with this mess Still got presents to buy, and more presents to wrap Got sucked in again and I�m sick of this crap I�m all out of money, I�m all out of time I�m sick of sweet children who still believe I�m Just a money tree Santa, a fat credit card You all can shove Christmas...I'm checking my list and watching Die Hard I got a nice bag of rocks for Jimmy Got a big box of hair for Sue Mommy�s getting altoids, I�m all out of cash This year I�m pulling Christmas out of my... behind Got a huge pile of coal for Timmy Got a nice bag of worms for Jane My ex will get a check, and what�s left has to last This year I�m pulling Christmas out of my... rear The tree is a a big bunch of coathangers Draped on a lamp in the den The stockings are socks, and they haven�t been washed Since Christmas of I don�t know when Got a big bag of dirt for mean old Aunt Betty And two bullets for poor Uncle Saul We all hope that poor bastard gets some peace at last This year I�m pulling Christmas out of my... hind-quarters Got a handful of bugs for my cousin And a boxful of nails, two cents for a dozen Everyone�s getting some poison for rats This year I�m pulling Christmas out of my... posterior The angel on top of the coathangers Is a Ken doll in Barbie�s sun-dress Is that her up there too, putting a smile on his face? Hard to say, but hey, I think I digress Got some plungers for Great-Great-Grandpa Cause he clogs that thing every dang year And a baggie for when his kidney stones pass This year I�m pulling Christmas (sing it Grandpa) out of my... (coughs and splutters) You�ll get a pound of red ants, imported from France This year I�m pulling Christmas out of my... tuchas Hey, hey! Who wants a garage-sale Billy Bass This year I�m pulling Christmas out of my... poop-chute You can tell Tiny Tim, Scrooge won at last This year I�m pulling Christmas out of my Butt Copyright 2013 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard WAR ON CHRISTMAS IS OVER A parody of "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" by John Lennon So you say Merry Christmas, and that makes me smile But when I say Happy Holidays, you get all hostile Yes I know that it�s Christmas, it�s very special to you But there are other winter holidays, I�m just including them, too (but it's all about you) There is no war on Christmas, you go ahead and celebrate But you don�t own December, you gotta try and tolerate (sorry about that) You can sing all those carols, you can hang up those lights Put your tree in the living room, wait for Santa all night But I might light some candles, or read an old sacred scroll Or get a sweet little Bodhi tree, or a Festivus Pole (or nothing at all) There is no war on Christmas, so celebrate and believe Enjoy religious freedom, don�t force yours on me (seriously, get over it) So you say Merry Christmas, that�s a lovely thing to say It�s a very warm, friendly sentiment, and so is Happy Holidays Before there was Christmas, there were many special winter events There was Diwali and Hanukkah and the Winter Solstice and New Year�s celebrations, so who are you to take offense? Dude, there is no war on Christmas, do you just like getting mad? It�s a lie that you tell yourself, like when you told yourself Santa wasn�t actually your dad The war is over, there never was one The war is over, try to act Christian Yo... what time am I supposed to don my gay apparel? Copyright 2014 Steve Goodie SNOWMAN A parody of "Soul Man" by Isaac Hayes and David Porter, as performed by the Blues Brothers Coming to ya, on an icy road There's no school, no they're all closed And when you wake up, you get rolling It's good packing, and it's still snowing Make a snowman, I'm a snowman Build a snowman, I'm a snowman Gotta roll out, the big bottom ball Stack on the middle, and then the small Got a corncob pipe, and don't forget I need two lumps of coal, cause I can�t see yet I'm a snowman, I'm a snowman I'm a snowman, I'm a snowman Listen, I was rolled out in the side yard The weather's cold, body's nice and hard I was piled up, in a tall stack Got a carrot nose, and a top hat And I'm a snowman, I'm a snowman I'm a snowman, I'm a snowman Just grab some sticks and put em in Now I got some arms, and now I need a girlfriend Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I'm a snowman, I'm a snowman You're a snowman, I'm a snowman I'm a snowman, I'm a snowman Copyright 2014 Steve Goodie |
ADMIT YOU'VE GOT A BALD SPOT A parody of "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Eddie Schwartz, as performed by Pat Benatar Well you were real good-looking when you were 23 With a full head of hair, well now that�s history Cause now you�re, middle-aged, what�s happening to it It goes down the drain, when you shampoo it Admit you�ve got a bald spot Oh just admit you�ve got a bald spot Admit you�ve got a bald spot Buy a toupee Come on with the lotions that you rub in there They smell real weird and they don�t grow hair Your nose is sprouting and your ears are insane But it�s never coming out on top again Admit you�ve got a bald spot Oh just admit you�ve got a bald spot Admit you�ve got a bald spot Buy a toupee Well there's some real rich transplant doctors on TV To advertise their screw-ball cue-ball remedies They can graft from your crotch or your nose or your pits Or your back or your butt, or you could just admit it Admit you�ve got a bald spot Admit you�ve got a bald spot Admit you�ve got a bald spot Buy a toupee Admit you�ve got a bald spot Are you missing a little bit? No it's a lot. Admit you�ve got a bald spot Buy a toupee Copyright 2011 - 2020 SG ROBOT-BOT-BOT A parody of "Hot Hot Hot" by Arrow, as performed by Buster Poindexter All day all day, all day all day All day all day, all day all day All day they phone me Won't leave me alone it's a robot-bot-bot Say it's the taxman The IRS got a robot-bot-bot What to do with crap like this I'm already on the no-call list All night they call me up We need to blow them up With a boom-boom-boom-boom With a boom-boom-boom-boom It's a robot-bot-bot, it's a robot-bot-bot They try to scam ya And rip off Grandma, damn robot-bot-bot Send a money order Or we'll deport ya, damn robot-bot-bot And since they call me all day long I went and wrote this stupid song And I play for you tonight Help me to say, hey screw you guys Hey a-screw you you you Yes a-screw you you you It's a robot-bot-bot, it's a robot-bot-bot All day all day, all day all day All day all day, all day all day You are so annoying, robot-bot-bot You are so annoying, robot-bot-bot You want my money but I no got You want my money but I no got I got, diddly-squat, robot, I got squat You're not, so hot, here's a thought, just stop Redial, re-dial, re-dial, re-dial Robot-bot-bot! Copyright 2020 SG MENDEL THE REINDEER So you think you've heard them all Every Christmas song Every yuletide carol that has ever come along That's not quite true We present one more to you Mendel the Reindeer reported for work On the 24th night of December Mendel had come all the way from New York Clutching an overnight letter Saying Dasher was sick and a desperate St. Nick Needed somebody healthy instead But Santa didn't hire Mendel He took a reindeer named Fred Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel What do you know about Christmas anyway? What do you know? Oy vey! Mendel asked Santa Claus, "Why'd you reject me? So blatantly, anti-Semitically?" But Santa said, "Mendel, that's simply not true Just look around here, we're all Jewish too" You know Herschel and Harry and Larry and Tevya Lenny and Izzy and Yankel and Edna Jewish reindeer one and all, each one of them is They just changed their Hebrew names for showbiz ("Even Rudolph?" "Well, he's Hindu...") Mendel-le, Mendel-le, won't you please believe Who else would want to work for me every Christmas Eve? Mendel Mendel, would you be mollified If I said you're overqualified Maybe you'd be better suited for a desk job What do you say? Okay! Mendel the reindeer reported for work On the 26th day of December Sorting complaints from the bad boys and girls Who got socks instead of Nintender And Dasher got well, and Fred went back to Jersey To his job at the agnostic petting zoo So what do we know about Christmas anyway? It's Jews pulling the sleigh Except for Rudolph, he's from Bombay And oh, by the way The Easter bunny's got an alternate lifestyle Copyright 2020 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP SNOWMAN A parody of "Soul Man" by Isaac Hayes and David Porter, as performed by the Blues Brothers Coming to ya, on an icy road There's no school, no they're all closed And when you wake up, you get rolling It's good packing, and it's still snowing Make a snowman I'm a snowman Build a snowman I'm a snowman Gotta roll out, a big bottom ball Stack on the middle, and then the small Got a corncob pipe, and don't forget I need two lumps of coal, cause I can�t see yet I'm a snowman I'm a snowman I'm a snowman I'm a snowman I was rolled out in the side yard Weather's cold, body's nice and hard I was piled up, in a nice stack Got a carrot nose, and a top hat I'm a snowman I'm a snowman I'm a snowman I'm a snowman Just grab some sticks and put them in Now I got some arms, and now I need a girlfriend Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I'm a snowman I'm a snowman You're a snowman I'm a snowman I'm a snowman I'm a snowman Copyright 2020 SG and Brad Tassell DISNEYLAND A parody of "Dixieland," traditional Oh I wish I was in the land of Mickey Two hours south of Culver City Yes I'll pay, a month's pay To spend a day, at Disneyland Drove to Anaheim cause the kids all wanna Found some parking in Tijuana Gotta pay, arm and a leg Just to stay, near Disneyland Oh I wish I could afford Disney In goof-ay, L.A. At Disneyland you stand and stand and stand and stand and stand... in line Oy vey, the way They gouge you down at Disney I paid, my 401k To spend one day at Disney Copyright 2020 SG DEATH A parody of "Beth" by Peter Criss, as performed by Kiss Death I hear you calling We've been cheating you till now Me and the boys are aging Hell we�re practically in the ground I sit down in the shower and I can't tie my shoe Can't get up when I've fallen, oh Death what can I do Death what can I do I never thought you'd come for me And my clown-makeup-wearing, blood-spitting friends Thought my bladder would always work just fine Well I guess it just depends I'll be pushing up flowers in just a year or two I mixed up the preparation H with the denture glue Death I'm ready for you Death I know you're coming And I guess that'll be alright Cause I'll find some damn way to... merchandize Copyright 2020 SG MY WILL A parody of "I Will" by Lennon and McCartney, as performed by The Beatles Who knows how much I've left you Five pennies or five mil If you're wondering ask my lawyer What I've left you in my will Oh is there something for you An item with your name Once you've had my ashes scattered Do you think you'll have a claim Did I remember to surrender Some jewelry or fine art Will you get a measure of my treasure Or a flea market cuisinart No I cannot take it with me Though I'm a billionaire There's a crowd who wants a freebie Something hippie, something Beatle-y Whatever's left since Heather squeezed me If you want it, check my will My will Copyright 2020 SG I LIKE TO BURP I like to burp After some libation With lots of carbonation I think it's cause for celebration I like to burp In social situations With much reverberation Causing others considerable consternation I like to burp It helps my circulation And my assimilation Of slim-jims at the greyhound station I like to burp It's not an affectation It's a natural indication Of unimpaired healthy metabolization I like to burp It feels like punctuation A joyous exclamation Of gastronomic emancipation I like to burp But I feel your condemnation I do have some consideration So I always follow it with this proclamation... Excuuuuuuse.... meeeee!!!! Copyright 2020 SG LOUIS CK I no longer listen to Louis CK I took all his comedy and threw it away I used to think he was funny, I was wrong I used to quote Cosby when I was a kid I memorized every bit of his But he's not funny anymore Louis and Cos, I idolized those fellows Now they're as dead as Lou Costello For showing a weenie, and for a drink with dope in it They were variously sexually inappropriate So they're gone gone gone But I'm still Catholic There's one group on which I will not poop The priests diddle boys just for the hell of it It's all part of being holy and celibate God forbid we should embarrass them Move em around from parish to parish, um Bless me father for you have sinned But I'll judge you lighter than a comedian I'm still catholic Louis and Cos, we hauled em away But the church will try and pray away the rape Bless me father for you have sinned But I'll judge you lighter than a comedian I'm still catholic One group on which I will not poop Still catholic Bless me father for you have sinned Still catholic I'll judge you lighter than a comedian Still catholic Still catholic Still catholic Still catholic Copyright 2020 SG SINGLE MOM A parody of "I'll Have To Say I Love You In A Song" by Jim Croce Well I know you�re kind of late I hope that you�re not pregnant Cause you�re kind of underage And you�re dad�s a police lieutenant Every kind of contraception and still we got it wrong So I�ll have to say I love you, then I�m gone Yeah I know it�s kind of strange But every time I�m near you I think I'm Harvey Weinstein or Louis CK I'm the real victim here, can't you understand Every kind of contraception but my boys were swimming strong So I�ll have to say I love you, from Guam Since you missed your period you�re gonna miss your junior prom So I�ll have to say I love you, single mom Copyright 1996 - 2020 Ty Hager, Chris Smith, and SG FUCKFACE VON CLOWNSTICK A parody of "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot The legend lives on from a penthouse downtown Of a dope with a stupid blonde cowlick Nobody expected that he'd get elected President Fuckface Von Clownstick He's an entrepreneur with a load of manure Which he swears has a lovely aroma And it got him the votes from the hard-working folks In Wisconsin and Oklahoma He got so many votes, almost the most From the suckers and mentally feeble He bamboozled them all when he said build a wall To keep out the scary brown people So he won the whole thing, said �it's good to be king Now let's start that big swamp a-draining We'll have some good fun with my two stupid sons And that daughter I'd like to be dating" He said "the news is all fake, I don't make mistakes My taxes are none of your business Guiliani and Stone are my bros to the bone So good luck finding a witness" On a telephone chat, one damn whistling rat Ran his mouth, and Don hit the ceiling He said "without an ID of who's fingering me We can't whack the bastard who's squealing" He said "no no no no, there was no quid pro quo K, there was, but you still can't arrest me I ain't getting impeached, for a figure of speech I'll be in Tahiti by Wednesday" So the hearings go on, for your favorite don As the world watches ever so closely Who knows how this ends, it all kind of depends On the Senate and Nancy Pelosi In musty hotel in Sheboygan he hid Dining on french fries and fish-sticks No lawyer, no friends to kiss his rear end And they don't take his calls at the Kremlin The legend lives on from a cellblock downtown Of a dope with a stupid blonde cowlick He's old and he's tired and his ass just got fired He's a wreck of a Fuckface Von Clownstick Copyright 2020 SG and Malachi Davis QUID PRO QUO I put the pro in the middle of quid pro quo I�ll let you know what you owe I put the pro in the middle of quid pro quo I am the pro Yo, quid and quo, meet the pro I�m eatin� steak and you�re eatin� crow My bathtub�s made of solid gold What else do you need to know?! Believe me and my artful dealin� What you�re seein� isn�t real Gonna grind you down beneath my heel No one asked me how I feel! I put the pro in the middle of quid pro quo A little mo� dirt to show I put the pro in the middle of quid pro quo I am the pro Tit for tat, give and take I�m here to negotiate With justice blind and half awake I�m sure you�ll cooperate I put the pro in the middle of quid pro quo I�ll let you know what you owe I put the pro in the middle of quid pro quo I am the pro So blow, whistle, blow through the hollow halls of law Till the storm from warming seas blows apart your house of straw So blow, whistle, blow through the hollow halls of law Like a storm from raging seas You can dither, you can diddle, diddle-dawdle in the middle Of the quo and the quiddle of the film flam man While we quibble and belittle, you�re tweetin� dirt and drivel Auntie Christ, meet Uncle Sam Rome burned down, Nero played fiddle With clumsy fingers, oh, so little You ain�t even second fiddle but you�re the king of bein� petty! I put the pro in the middle of quid pro quo I�ll let you know what you owe I put the pro in the middle of quid pro quo I am the pro Life is just a bitch when they be huntin� after witches Makes your broomstick twitch like Putin�s puppy�s tail Bolton, Kelly, Flynn and Comey, man, you pissed off all your homies As you and all your crooked cronies flip and flop and flail Roger Stone, dirty trickster, Michael Cohen, sneaky fixer Payin� off that stripper put his sorry ass in jail Now the craziness and clamor hits you harder than a hammer Gonna join him in the slammer and you WON�T MAKE BAIL! Lock him up! Copyright 2019 Bob McPeek WHERE'S MY BOY We didn't mean to make you angry, or break the law We only came to seek asylum, me and my boy We didn't mean to make you angry, but our country's full of war Can you please tell me, where's my boy Three months ago they took him, they won't say where I can hear him crying every night I wonder do they have children, I ask them all the time No one will look me in my eye I think I'm going crazy, panicking and worrying What's happening every day to him We're sorry we're so sorry, that we broke your law But I'd heard this was America Copyright 2020 SG |
THE HOUSE In every neighborhood, in every town, there's a spooky house Where no one dares trick-or-treat An eerie mansion where the owner is never seen Except a shadow by a window, or a creak across the floor A mysterious house, used in late-night tales of skeletons Hungry ghosts and ghouls, to scare little brothers and sisters Into a fitful sleep It's a dare from the gate to shaky friends Who never quite get close enough to knock Frightening tales of witching-hour feasts Vampire cravings, eerie screams Slicing the quiet night Oh every village has a house And that house is my house And I say, come inside, we're waiting for you Copyright 2019 Brad Tassell and SG PARTS FOR FRANKENSTEIN We dig in the earth, the graves must be new The flesh not too rotten, the maggots must be few I've found a good heart, I've unearthed two good legs A lung, a liver, an arm, an egg? We spend the night searching, eerie winds all around Digging for fresh pieces, six feet underground We hunt for limbs and organs, torches flicker and they shine Ha ha, parts for Frankenstein When all the parts are collected add brain spleen and face To the hardware store for bolts, screw them tight into place Frankenstein is ready, now to bring him to life I wonder, if this works, should we make him a wife Some say this work is evil, you never play with life and death But I'll prove it isn't over when you take your final breath The pieces are in place, the storm is at its height Our parts for Frankenstein will come alive tonight Hook up the electrodes, plug them in the wall Turn on the juice, hope his heart will not stall Buzz, sizzle, grrr... he's alive, he's awake Some say this work is evil, you never play with life and death But I'll prove it isn't over when you take your final breath The pieces are in place, the storm is at its height Our parts for Frankenstein have come alive tonight Copyright 2019 Brad Tassell and SG VAMPIRE'S BALL The vampire's ball is a swanky affair Shine up your fangs, grease back your hair The vampire's ball, bring your friend as a snack Yummy blood from Suzy, plasma from Zach The vampire's ball brings em into the light Have yourself a monster time tonight The vampire's ball has an all ghoul band They sing about mummies and being buried in sand The vampire's ball, to the dance floor they trek They'll dance to cheek, they'll dance tooth to neck The vampire's ball brings em into the light Have yourself a monster time tonight The vampire's ball is a swanky affair Shine up your fangs, grease back your hair The vampire's ball, bring a friend as a snack Yummy blood from Suzy, plasma from Zach The vampire's ball brings em into the light Have yourself a monster time tonight The vampire's ball they will party all night The vampire's ball they will party all night The vampire's ball they will party all night But be in your coffin before it turns light Copyright 2019 Brad Tassell and SG HIDING FROM GHOSTS I saw a ghost, I saw it too The ghost was white, we heard him go boo He flew right through me, it felt so cold Cold and slimy, and his spirit was old I think it's creepy, because he is dead And when he flew right through me, I got spooky thoughts in my head Hiding from ghosts, hiding from ghosts They're obnoxious and they're gross, we're hiding from ghosts Let's hide in the closet, but he can fly through the door Let's hide in the basement, but he can come through the floor Let's hide in the attic, but there might be bats Where can we stow away, to avoid all the rats I think it's scary, he'll rattle and he'll creak And when I look him in the eyes, it makes me want to shriek Hiding from ghosts, hiding from ghosts That was much too close, we're hiding from ghosts Hiding from ghosts, hiding from ghosts That was much too close, we're hiding from ghosts Where do we go, where the ghost won't see We'll make him our friend, we can help set him free We'll play spooky games, we'll hunt through the night We'll scare little children, and cause lots of fright We're searching for ghosts, searching for ghosts Alert the New York Post, we're searching for ghosts Maybe Velma will join our quoast... quoast?? I meant quest. Oh... We're searching for ghosts Copyright 2019 Brad Tassell and SG HALLOWEEN The night is dark and real spooky Ghosts in the streets, black cats on the prowl Batman�s chasing Joker, there�s Martians in the fields Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl? Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts I can hear the beating of Dracula�s cold heart If I didn�t know better, I�d flee this scary scene But there�s no need to panic, it�s only Halloween I�ve come for candy, don�t you think I�m cute? I�m walking �round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don�t want no fruit I�m on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass Mrs. P says to me, who�s that behind the mask I say yeahahahahaha!�and that makes her scream Didn�t mean to scare you lady don�t you know it�s Halloween I�ve come for candy, that�s why I�m in this suit I�m trick-or-treating and you�re supposed to give me loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don�t want no fruit We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out The porch has got a witch�s broom, there�s candles lit in every room Don�t leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear Hey, where did everybody go? C�mon you guys, this isn�t funny I really need to pee, c�mon, I�ll give you some of my chocolate And suddenly the lights come on, there�s a party here, should go till dawn I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong It�s Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah Hey it�s all about candy, yeah I know I�m cute All round the neighborhood I�ve been collecting loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don�t want no fruit I don�t want your fruit I want your Hershey�s, I want your Reese�s Don�t care if my teethes, fall to pieces I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds I want your candy Happy Halloween! Copyright 2006 SG and Louis Lawent WEREWOLVE'S LAMENT The werewolves howl when the moon gets bright Aooh, aooh, late into the night The werewolves stalk, seeking tasty things to bite Chomp chomp chomp on everything in sight. If the werewolves see you, you'll never get away Shriek shriek shriek, you�ll make a yummy filet If the werewolves bite you and you live to tell the tale Grr grr grr, now join them on the trail I�m living two lives, one by day, one by night With the full moon a calling there�s a hunger I just can�t fight Your life is over, if I catch your scent. That�s the curse, that�s the cause of the Werewolve's Lament A werewolf I have become, fear the rising moon Thump thump thump,I will be out hunting soon A Werewolf I have become, my claws start to grow Gurgle gurgle gurgle, savage blood starts to flow I�m living two lives, one by day, one by night With the full moon a calling there�s a hunger I just can�t fight Your life is over, if I catch your scent. That�s the curse, that�s the cause, of the werewolve's Lament A werewolf I have become, the smell of flesh takes me into town Sniff sniff sniff, a silver bullet takes me down Copyright 2019 Brad Tassell and SG ZOMBIE PIE I'm hungry, I'm Hungry too But I am dead, I've been dead longer than you Dead people don't eat fruit or Chinese stir-fry I know, let's have zombie pie Sprinkle some salt as you bake his toes Do not use pepper if you eat his nose My mouth starts to water my taste buds sing If we bite off a finger spit out the ring Find a zombie, nice and ripe Remove his head, don't let him gripe Put his brains into a crust Mix in his ears, that's a must A tasty treat to add the eyes A treat when you're dead, those zombie pies Leave nothing left for a buzzard or fly We lick our plate clean, we love zombie pie Suck the marrow from his bones Put his bile in your scones My mouth starts to water my taste buds sing If we bite off a finger, spit out that bling Find a zombie, nice and ripe Remove his head, don't let him gripe Put his brains into a crust Mix in his ears, that's a must Find a zombie, nice and ripe Remove his head, don't let him gripe Put his brains into a crust Mix in his ears, that's a must Find a zombie, nice and ripe Remove his head, don't let him gripe Leave nothing left for a buzzard or fly We lick our plate clean, we love zombie pie Copyright 2019 Brad Tassell and SG A WITCH IN MY TOWN The witch turned me into a newt... I got better The witch turned me into a frog... ribbit, ribbit, croaking The witch turned me into a cat... meow, meow, hiss The witch turned me into a dog, woof, woof, woof A witch, a witch, has moved to my town She'll cook a creepy brew and make you drink it all down The witch turned me into a horse... neigh, neighbor The witch turned me into a rabbit... nyaaa, what's up doc I'm now a chicken... I am not going in there.. you're just a chicken I'm a mouse, dagnabbit... sqeak, squeak, squeak A witch, a witch, with a wart on her nose A crooked broom for flying and black flowing clothes I'm a cow, moo, moo, moo I'm a moose I'm a ferret I'm a goose I'm a llama I'm an otter I'm a gorilla's granddaughter A witch, a witch, she flies on her broom Waves her wand and spells your doom Well we wait to be changed into a bird or a flea Let's make a plan, push the witch in the sea Put her in an oven, a tomb or a grave Tie her to a rock, lose her in a cave A witch, a witch, what can we do To make sure the witch never gets you Zap! She made me a lion I'm a lion too I think I have the answer It's time for witch-stew Copyright 2019 Brad Tassell and SG CANDY CRAZY Come on mama get the costume on me In five minutes I want to hit the street Got a pillow case ready to go Route laid out, best houses I know Mask in place, sneakers on tight Ready to get that candy tonight Need to pick up the pace, curfew's at nine But my little brother's slowing my time Run through the yard, up to the door Ring the bell, I'm ready for more Trick or treat bag open wide, they slide the goodies right inside Candy crazy, we're candy crazy You can't be lazy, when you're candy crazy Fill your bag and eat till you're hazy That's why we're candy crazy Take the sweets to my room and shut the door Dump my treasure out on the floor Separate the candy to find what's best I eat the good stuff, toss the rest Stomach-ache's just part of the gig Calm down with a candy cig Candy crazy, we're candy crazy You can't be lazy, when you're candy crazy Me and my brother say whoopsie-daisy I was candy crazy Butter-finger, Milky Way Snickers, Twix, and a Toffee-Fay Skittles, Nerds, Almond Joy Smarties, Twizzlers I enjoy Jolly Ranchers, Hershey's Kiss Three Musketeer's is on my list Candy crazy, we're candy crazy You can't be lazy, when you're candy crazy Go to the house of Jay-Z He's candy crazy Copyright 2019 Brad Tassell and SG |
TWELVE PEOPLE AT A TIME Most comedians love playing comedy clubs Stadiums, Palladiums, or big ol gymnasiums But I play living rooms, with Lazy-Boys and sofas With people in beanbags, full of cheetos and sodas They're wearing their PJ's, bathrobes and loafers Those are my people! Yeah some guys make it big, but I'm Entertaining America 12 people at a time Copyright 2019 SG I AM TERRIBLY IMPORTANT Drive-thru coffee, every day Someone must make me my latte I'm in a hurry, filler up And put a plastic lid on that styrofoam cup I can't wait, I gotta go Where's my Caffe Americano Gotta have it, make it quick And dump a bunch of whipped cream on top of it Ten bucks is a reasonable price Cause I am terribly important I could have made my own lunch today But I'm much much much much too lazy I have a card, that I like to swipe From behind the wheel get my order right dammit I swipe it left, I swipe it right For food and women late at night I need more, can't get enough Gotta stuff my face, and get my rocks off Gotta have it, make it quick Cause I'm entitled to all of it Give it to me, more more Ship it to me, more more Sell it to me, more more It's all about me, more more Hand it to me, more more Send it to me, more more It's intended for me, more more Descended to me, more more Hi, I'm an American Hi, I just want everything Make it shiny Yeah yeah, you bet your hiney Drive-thru pharmacy, drive-thru beer Drive-thru cure for cauliflower ear Drive-thru lawyer, drive-thru bank And something else, I have just now drawn a blank Drive-thru shrink and drive-thru sex Well maybe not, but it's coming next Drive-thru pizza, drive-thru hair Drive-thru naughty underwear I can't wait, I must have All the things just to look at Gotta have what they've got Cause I'm so special, or else I'm not Copyright 2018 SG and Molly Conrad TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS SWEATERS A parody of "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" On the first Christmas sweater that my true love gave to me was The leg lamp from Christmas Story On the second Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Two Monster trucks And Godzilla fighting Bruce Lee On the third Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Three little pigs Two Magic Mikes And a dog watching Cops on TV On the fourth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Four Beatle heads Three blind mice Two horny toads And a sloth in a Lamborghini On the fifth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Five Golden Girls Four naked Smurfs Three Amigos Two cans of Spam And a drink holder stretched to my knee On the sixth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Six Mueller convictions Five jingle balls Four Kim Jong Uns Three drunk elves Two cracked nuts And a goat with a hipster goatee On the seventh Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Seven dwarfs hot-tubbing Six strips of bacon Five Chandler Bings Four wiener dogs Three Sith lords Two water bongs And a Christmas Vacation R.V. On the eighth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Eight-legged lobsters Seven-colored rainbows Six-packs of Guinness Five dingalings Four parrot turds Three Stooges Two-headed cows And an Avatar babe in 3-D On the ninth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Nine Supreme Court judges Eight naughty snowmen Seven cats with lasers Six cups for beer pong Five gold G-strings Four lava lamps Three canned hams Two Vulcan ears And Bo DUKE in the General Lee On the tenth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Ten pounds of tinsel Nine sprigs of holly Eight bags of glitter Seven chains of popcorn Six rolls of ribbon Five ho ho hos Four flying squirrels Three Care Bears Two kissing sharks And a purple box full of Plan B On the eleventh Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were Eleven strippers stripping Ten pins for bowling Nine babies dancing Eight reindeer mating Seven llamas pooping Six wrestlers sweating Five golden retrievers Four-letter words Three Trump wives Two camel toes And Beyonce twerking Jay-Z On the twelfth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me Twelve Pee Wee Hermans Eleven pez dispensers Ten joke commandments Nine Santas mooning Eight zombies eating 7-Eleven Slurpees Six Big Lebowskis Five strands of lights, which gave me Four muscle sprains Three slipped discs Two pulled groins Now I need physical therapy Copyright 2019 M. Spaff Sumsion and SG THE THURSDAY CAROL Have a very merry Thursday, it's a special time of week When Thursday bells are pealing and life no longer seems so bleak Let's open up our presents and carve our Thursday goose And wait for Father Thursday to arrive upon his moose Thursday comes just once a week, but do not shed a tear 'Cause there are more than fifty Thursdays packed in every year And every single one of them is full of mirth and glee So stuff your face and break some wind and join the reverie Have a very merry Thursday, put on your orange fez And decorate the Thursday tree with Milk Bones, Spam and Pez™ Once you've curled your moustache, and donned your Thursday clothes I'll catch you 'neath the mistletoe and punch you in the nose Merry Thursday Merry Thursday Merry Thursday Copyright 2019 Andy Corwin and SG I WANNA BE THAT MOOSE My girl has a moose on her bike He's a little brown puppet that she really likes And they ride along, together everywhere Yeah they ride to school, and they ride to the store, oh boy And I never ever thought I'd be jealous of a little stuffed toy, but.... I want to be that moose I want to be that moose Yeah it sounds real stupid but you know it's true I want to be that moose I want to be that moose If I could be anything I choose, I'd be that moose That little moose has it real sweet Cruising right down each and every street Yeah he rides along, keeps an eye on the map Oh he guards the bike, day and night, that's right And that little stuffed muppet is living the perfect life, oh oh oh I want to be that moose I want to be that moose Gotta find out how they were introduced I want to be that moose I want to be that moose I hope I don't sound obtuse, I want to be that moose Well one afternoon I saw him crying Down by the moose lodge Cause every night she leaves him alone on the bike No he's never ever gotten beyond the garage So I think I'd rather be me than him Cause I can ask her out, and maybe she'll ask me in, no no no Don't want to be that moose Don't want to be that moose Cause living on a bike, well, what's the use Don't want to be that moose Don't want to be that moose I'd rather be a platypus, than be that moose Yes yes, you're gonna lose that moose Yes yes, you're gonna lose that moose Copyright 2001 SG FAT CHANCE I'LL KNOW YOUR NAME A parody of "Last Dance With Mary Jane" by Tom Petty So I was doing a gig in an Indiana town And after the show she was hanging around She was super tall, but she was not too bright And I can't recall a word she said that night I came back to her town in 2018 To do another show I couldn't remember a thing We were re-introduced, and she got all sore Cause I forgot that we'd met before Fat chance I'll know your name You're all pissed off making me ashamed I can't remember people when it's been Two years, what's your name again Well I don't know what I've been told I got CRS, cause I'm a-growing old �Can't remember sh--� that's the definition I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition Oh my my, oh hell yes Everyone's mad when I forgets I'll buy you a drink, I'll tell you a joke Better hurry up, cause I'm a-gonna croak Fat chance I'll know your name Now you look at me with such disdain I meet a billion people, you blend right in, and it's My fault you're not interesting This one time at a county fair A crowd gathered round me, everywhere Their familiarity felt rather unhealthy And I had to smile for twelve hundred selfies Oh my my, oh hell yes Don't know your name, so I'll take a guess Find me on facebook, there on your phone Make me a friend, then leave me alone Fat chance I'll know your name I just wanna go home and play video games I can't remember people when it's been Three years, what's your name again Copyright 2019 SG OY, WHAT A WORLD A parody of "Joy To The World" by Hoyt Axton Jeremiah was full of bull-stuff He was no friend of mine I never understood anything he said, not a word And he drank way too much wine Yeah he had a glass in his hand all the time Singing oy, what a world Uncle Hector and Aunt Pearl Oy to the fishes in the polluted sea And oy to you, from me If I was the king of the world I tell you what I'd do I'd throw away the cars and the wars and the bars -- well not the bars And the mother-in-laws. and this meshuganah president Oy, what a world Uncle Hector and Aunt Pearl Oy to the fishes in the polluted sea And oy to you, from me Oy what a world Oy what a world Oy what a world Oy my back hurts Oy, what a world Uncle Hector and Aunt Pearl Oy to the fishes in the polluted sea And oy to you, not me You know I love the ladies Love to have my fun Copyright 1985 SG and Andy Hirsch SOAP GETS IN YOUR EYES A parody of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by Jerome Kern and Otto Harbach, as performed by The Platters I like baby shampoo, so what was I to do, oh My bottle had run dry, my stylist said that I Should give Sassoon a try It said, lather rinse repeat, but were those words complete, oh I didn't realize, I'd be paralyzed When soap got in my eyes So I rubbed, them and was heard to shout This garbage will not come out I knelt and prayed, please save my retinae And that's when I blacked out Next thing that I recall, I was curled up in a ball, oh The paramedics arrived, I was hospitalized When soap got in my eyes Soap got in my eyes Copyright 2003 SG CHARLIE AND THE TSA A parody of "Charlie On The MTA" by Jacqueline Steiner and Bess Lomax Hawes, as performed by The Kingston Trio Let me tell you all a story 'bout a man named Charlie tried to fly out of JFK He was two hours early, 'Cause before he boarded, he had to pass the TSA As he waited in line he had a chance to read the sign that told him what he�d better not do But unbeknownst to Charlie, they had changed the regulation, he was carrying too much shampoo And did he ever return, no he never returned, and his fate is still unlearned He missed his flight and then he missed the next one, he�s the man who never returned First they fingerprinted Charlie, ran a lie detector, then they pulled his credit score up Checked his license and his passport and his high school transcripts, and they made him pee in a cup Then they strip searched Charlie, checked his body cavities, and tested his DNA When he asked for his lawyer they said, �Sorry, Charlie, you can call from Guantanamo Bay.� And did he ever return, no he never returned, and his fate is still unlearned Now they�ve moved him to an undisclosed location, he�s the man who never returned So you citizens who fly, better heed this fable, for the moral is very plain Next time you travel remember poor Charlie, it�s faster to take the train And did he ever return, no he never returned, and his fate is still unlearned Now you can see his face on the side of a milk carton, he�s the man who never returned Copyright 2019 Andy Corwin and Steve Brooks SHUTDOWN 2019 A parody of "Breakdown" by Tom Petty The alt-right sure does love me And I promised a wall for their vote And I can't renege on this, build every bigly brick Then send the bill to Mexico Never mind all the airports and tunnels Where the bad hombres really come through I need a monument with my yuge name on it Then I'll get term number two Shut down, I�ll go ahead and stick it to ya Shut down, and blame it on the other side Shut down, these brown people are killing me Shut down, it's all right, it's all white, I mean it's alt-right Shut down, I�ll go ahead and stick it to ya Shut down, the wall goes up tonight Shut down, these brown people are killing me Shut down, it's all right, it's all white, I mean it's alt-right Copyright 2019 SG ONE MAN'S OPINION I believe every day should be called Thursday And I think dogs should be allowed to vote And I believe Fox News is always fair and balanced And I believe that bowling balls can float I believe that Sponge Bob Square Pants is the anti-Christ And I believe that science isn't true And I believe that Canada is made of gorgonzola And I believe that four plus four is two Hey that's just one man's opinion, mind you, but it's a darn good one And I'll tell you my opinion any time I feel inclined Hey that's just one man's opinion, but it's my right to believe it And I'll stand by my opinion... until I change my mind I believe money should be edible And I think Pabst Blue Ribbon came in third And I'm a staunch believer in the single-bullet theory And I believe the bible word for word I believe that everybody has a right to my opinion Especially people with whom I disagree And I believe that just because I think therefore I am That everybody else should think the same as me Hey that's just one man's opinion, mind you, but it's a darn good one And I'll tell you my opinion any time I feel inclined Hey that's just one man's opinion, but it's my right to believe it And I'll fight for my opinion... until I change my mind Copyright 2015 Andy Corwin and SG TWO FOR NINETY-NINE Happy Valentines Day, from your friends at Dollar Tree! What better way, on a special day, to ask, will you be mine? Than a romantic card from Dollar Tree, two for 99 It's a holiday from Hallmark, let's knock down all the pines Treat your honey for almost no money, two for 99 Some may call me cheap bastard, some ladies call me swine But we'll get through this much faster, two for 99 Make it a special evening, with candlelight and wine And all your deepest feelings, two for 99 No need to purchase pricey gifts, or stand in long long lines There's change in those couch cushions, two for 99 But get your condoms at Walgreens, yes, that's where I draw the line But you can get Plan B at Dollar Tree, two for 99 Copyright 2019 SG STORMY DANIELS A parody of "Stormy Weather" by Harold Arlen and Ted Koehler Don't know why she got naked with that guy, Stormy Daniels She saw those pasty rich-boy love handles I think I'd have to gouge my eyes She spanked his bare, pimply, doughy derriere, poor Stormy Daniels Turn off all the lights, blow out the candles I think I'd still be puking all the time When he had his way she almost overdosed on mouthwash When he went away she took her v-j down to the carwash Now he's gonna pay for getting his orange rocks off Well, he already paid, but now he'll pay some more Don't know why anyone would shtup this guy, Stormy Daniels This is the most unappetizing scandal Since that Moscow golden-shower time Or that �I would date that daughter of mine� line I think it's vomiting time Copyright 2018 Ty Hager and SG CYBER SEX Soft romantic music, wine and candlelight We're both looking forward to making love tonight We'll gaze into each other's eyes until the clock strikes nine Then I'll grab my keys and rush home and log onto you online Cause baby I just can't wait to get it on...line with you Ever since you turned me on to cyber sex, it's true You know all the keystrokes to tantalize my eyes And you know I love it when you italicize I begin our foreplay with brief communiqu�Copyrights It not how long your sentence is, it's how you turn your phrase When your encrypted euphemisms flash across my screen I send you an emoji and I reboot my machine Hey, baby I just can't wait to get it online with you No one types an instant message quite the way you do Send me pictures, don't be shy, and I will sext you too I can't wait to show you what my you-know-what can do When we start abbreviating there's no turning back OMG you're such an acronym-pho-maniac Sometimes for variety, to give you what you want I pull down my menu and I change my font I know how to push your buttons, baby, it's no mystery Cause the G-Spot on your keyboard is clearly labeled "G" Hey baby I just can't wait to get it online with you Virtual is how I like it, even if I’m right here with you Ain't no doubt about it, my server just won't quit How about I megabyte you just a nano-bit Why settle for the real thing when we can fantasize Baby you know I love it Baby you know I love it Baby, you know I love it when you i-tal-i-cize Copyright 2019 Andy Corwin, SG, and Maya Rogel IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY Mama likes beef burritos Daddy likes the pinto beans Either way they run right through them If you know what I mean Granny likes her morning prune juice Grandpa likes the raisin bran And when we all get together It�s one big race to the can Yeah it runs in the family, one big family With synchronized crazy regularity We fertilize our family tree Cause it runs in the family Sister Susie likes the tacos Brother Bobby loves the tofu plate Uncle Ronny loves pastrami Now he's running to the john, he's gotta unload all that he ate My cousins eat dozens of Polish brats My nephew lost count, but he says it was a lot My auntie loves the scampi, with all the extra greases And the McNugget 20-pieces better watch out for my nieces It runs in the family, one big family With synchronized crazy regularity Gastrointestinally Wow, it runs in the family It runs and runs, tons and tons Of everyone�s, digestion Scoff if you will, but our water bill Is a couple of mil... think I'm gonna be ill Yeah it runs in the family, one big family With synchronized crazy regularity We fertilize our family tree Cause it runs in the family It runs in the family, one big family With synchronized crazy regularity Gastrointestinally It runs in the family Copyright 2019 SG VOTE GODDAMMIT So you sat it out in November 2016 Just couldn't be bothered, didn't care for Hillary More than half of registered voters, had their thumbs up their butts that day And you see what that got us, Mango Mussolini-ay We got a congress run by the NRA And the fine fine people in the KKK Pharmaceuticals prices up 300 percent And big oil in charge of the environment You want facts to matter, want to hear some truth Get your lazy ass down to the voting booth And vote god dammit, vote god dammit Vote god dammit, vote god dammit Want some justice on the supreme court Lifetime appointments, they ain't short Want women to control their own body Want a real president, and not John Gotti Want a clear separation of church and state It don't come free, fuckers, participate! Vote god dammit, vote god dammit Vote god dammit, vote god dammit Vote god dammit, vote god dammit Vote god dammit, vote god dammit I don't like the bad words in this song They're blasphemous, I can't sing along Well here's a version just for you Sing with me, just like Jesus would do Vote goshdarnit, please vote goshdarnit It's the American thing to vote goshdarnit, see that you vote goshdarnit (Aw, fuck it...) Vote god dammit, vote god dammit Vote god dammit, vote god dammit Copyright 2019 SG |
A CONFEDERACY OF DOUCHES It's a confederacy, of douches It's a confederacy, of douches It's a confederacy, of douches Confederacy, it's a confederacy of douches When he wins, even though he loses When he whines that it's all fake newses When he grabs all of the pusses He's a douche cause, he's the aloof-est And his base allows, all his abuses Why, it's a confederacy, of douches It's a confederacy, of douches It's a confederacy, of douches It's a confederacy, of douches Confederacy, it's a confederacy of douches He's got just one use for, our constitutious After he poops, it's for wiping his tuchus He enjoys kissing Russian cabooses Likes Puty-Putin's, yeah, those guys are collushous And congress allows, all his abuses They're worse than Draco, Narcissa and Lucius To scrub off the smugness, takes several loofas So incoherent, such a damn dufus Much worse than Nixon, and both of the Bushes Why, it's a confederacy of douches It's a confederacy, of douches Copyright 2018 SG BEATEN ON A JET PLANE A parody of "Leaving On A Jet Plane" as performed by John Denver Well I checked my bags for a hundred bucks Let the TSA look up my butt Ran to my gate, just in time to board The lady scanned my boarding pass I stumbled down the ramp and through first class To my seat in coach, that's all I could afford Then they said, sir you'll have to leave We're overbooked, we need your seat C'mon, be a sport, someone's gotta go So I got beaten on a jet plane Dragged down the aisle to baggage claim Hope someone caught it on video At first I thought they must be joking Wondered what the hell they're smoking And did they bring enough for all of us Then United called its special ops Two over-rated rent-a-cops But I paid my fare, I'm not gonna budge But the captain said you're out of luck We're overbooked, so you're just f***ed Grab your Cinnabon, it's time to go So I got beaten on a jet plane Now everybody knows my name And the lawyers are blowing up my phone Cause I got beaten on a jet plane Got one bad-ass insurance claim Now I'm United's new CEO Copyright 2018 SG, John Trentes, and John Denver GRANDPA GOT RUN OVER BY A HYBRID A parody of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" as performed by Elmo and Patsy Grandpa got run over by a hybrid Walking through the Whole Foods parking lot Dang he said that engine sure is quiet And that turned out to be his final thought The driver did not see him coming Till through the windshield Grandpa sailed She said at first she thought what hit her Was just a giant flying cursing bag of kale Soon the whole town was a-twitter With the cautionary tale Speculating in a whisper Should the driver or the car be sent to jail Grandpa got run over by a hybrid Walking through the Whole Foods parking lot Dang he said that engine sure is quiet As he dropped three jugs of soy milk that he'd just bought The coroner said that Grandpa's Arteries were squeaky clean He went so far as to declare him The healthiest dead guy he'd ever seen They interviewed my Uncle Buddy On the local news at ten He said, well yeah we're gonna miss him But that's the way he woulda wanted to have went Grandpa got run over by a hybrid Walking through the Whole Foods parking lot Dang he said that engine sure is quiet Quiet as the hydroponic farm that he just bought Grandma said it was ironic As we laid him in his grave If he'd just come with us to Sonic He would still be standing here with us today Grandpa got run over by a hybrid Walking through the Whole Foods parking lot Dang he said that engine sure is quiet And that turned out to be his final thought Copyright 2018 Randy Brooks and Pam Belford SPONGE-BATH, NO PANTS A parody of "Sponge Bob Square Pants" as performed by Tom Kenny While I'm in the hospital, lying in bed Spongebath, no pants Somebody must wash me from toe to head Spongebath, no pants They took out my liver and cleaned out my veins Spongebath, no pants Now you gotta wash everything that remains Spongebath, no pants Ready? Spongebath, no pants Spongebath, no pants Spongebath, no pants Spongebath, no pants! Copyright 2018 SG and Stephen Hillenburg WORDS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT THEY AIN'T Some words you've heard, they sound so naughty But they're quite innocuous, gosh darn it, by golly You can say them in church, or in Abu Dhabi Or in Hobby Lobby, prob'ly I had a cocktail in Bangkock, watching netflix 'Bout a pilot who dictates, in the cockpit Now I'm reading Moby Dick, sperm whale's really sick Blow it out your blow hole, I'm plowing with my backhoe, yo Your dipthong is cool, your uvula rules You should masticate a kumquat and some headcheese too My asymptote is straight, though I might asphyxiate Choking down, some shittake that I shouldn't'a ate My beagle bitch is a tracker, your shihtzu a slacker Forget Tampa Bay, I love my Green Bay Packers Astronauts get famous, circling Uranus Like a concert pianist, or president ignoramus It's always gratifyin' when my shuttlecock's flyin' I whacked it with my joystick, so satisfyin' If it 'tis, or it 'taint, is Peter a saint? All the tea bags in China, made your mama faint I might be out of line, you got acute angina Your pussy willow's fine, but this is asinine I got cotton balls, meat balls, snow balls, cheese balls Tennis balls, soft balls, matzah balls, and sleaze balls, yo There's a family of birds, made up of naughty words Like cockatoo, peafowl, nuthatch, tit mouse, woodpecker, sapsucker... and swallow These words I've heard, they do sound filthy But I say them on the air and come back not guilty There might be some more, yeah I might have missed 'em But you'll never lock me up in your penal system, words Copyright 2018 SG and Leland Gregory IT'S DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME It's daylight savings time, that time of year when I'm Chronically late for work, which annoys that stupid jerk My manager I mean, down at the Dairy Queen Oh how he does berate, me when I come in late He likes to yell and scream, There's no 'I' in team I need punctual employees, to make stupid frozen treats Oh I'm so sorry sir, I'll go work the register But he says you're late so you, go clean the ladies' room So I'm scrubbing toilets now, cursing because somehow This 23-hour day, got longer anyway What dumb-ass thought of this, arbitrarily changing what time it is It's only payback y'all, for the extra hour last fall It will not save you time, won't get you more sunshine Just makes us surlier, from getting up earlier So when you're at DQ, waiting in the drive-thru Don't expect a faster crew, to f***ing wait on you Copyright 2018 SG THE TWIT IN TWITTER It's hard to write songs about Donald... because nothing rhymes with... orange I've done some dumb things with my smart phone When it's 3 am and I'm all alone Like texting some exes, while leasing a Lexus On two phones at once, because I'm ambidextrous I'm tweeting and swiping, snap chatting and skyping Then dumping my data, straight down the crapp-a But there's one dumb thing I've never done And that's tweet us all into oblivion Oh the whole world shivers when the Donald twitters From his golden sh***er in the sky He's blowing up the nation, from an undisclosed location A one-sided conversation, at the speed of spite He's a big fat womanizer, full of fertilizer Yeah the Donald puts the twit in Twitter And he's scaring the twit out of me It's 3:15 in the morning... and... He's tweeting a zinger, to a popular singer Straight from his sphincter, on a shiny new phone He's tweeting us inta, nuclear winta With tiny little fingers, is this guy stoned? Little thumbs are scootin', while he's convolutin' The constitution, and sexting with Putin Oh Vladmir my dear... how I wish you were here You're my big strong puppeteer, does this mean we're... comrades? Da. Oh, da! Da da da da DA DA DA DA! That was HUUUUGE! Oh the whole world shivers when the Donald twitters From his golden sh***er in the sky He's blowing up the nation, from an undisclosed location A one-sided conversation, at the speed of spite He's a mental Lilliputian With overly simple solutions (that Mexico is gonna pay for) Yeah the Donald puts the twit in Twitter And he's scaring the twit out of me Cause I'm a whiny butt-hurt snowflake libtard... He's scaring the twit out of me Copyright 2018 SG and Malachi Davis WE DON'T CARE A parody of "Be Prepared" as performed by Tom Lehrer We don't care That our president's a twit We don't care That he is woefully unfit We think that Vladmir Putin is just swell While "what about her emails?!" we still yell We're prepared To ignore the obvious We don't care That he's an ignorama-mus We like it when he tells us climate change is not the truth And we like it when he treats the boy scouts like his Twitler youth We like his ties, his kids, his lies, his hair We don't care We don't care That he does not comprehend The documents That he was sworn in to defend We're prepared to let all foreigners go to hell So what if it's unconstitutional We don't care That he cannot communicate Unless you count Him riling up Confederates We don't care that he won't shake the hands of friendly heads of state We like the way his ketchup drowns his hunk of well-done steak Oh who needs medicaid and Medicare As long as he repeals Obamacare He can go play golf in ladies underwear He could finger Sonny while sticking it to Cher We don't care Copyright 2018 SG and Tom Lehrer THE TRUMP IDIOCY SONG A parody of "Modern Major General" as performed by Tom Lehrer He tried to start a Muslim ban despite our constitution And he won't support the gays though he is tight in bed with Putin While his cabinet is full of thugs who hate the blacks and Jews And every story that he doesn't like has got to be fake news KellyAnne defends him and the others in his cabinet With facts that she makes up and then she casually calls alternate Her boss is a neanderthal or maybe pithecanthropus (that's a primitive ape-like man) While Spicer's in the bushes and the nazis march on campuses He's got all our biggest assholes from the great big national asshole list Marching and rejoicing nazis skinheads white supremacists Don't care about minorities or kids or the environment He is the very model of a mouthy douche-y president He thought and thought and thought until he had a great idea Fellas what do you say we go and screw around with North Korea Yes let's rattle every saber and make jokes about their leader's height I probably won't nuke them but then fuck it I just fucking might He told us that he'd build a wall and Mexico would buy it While Melania don't like the white house, she won't even try it And his work is never done until he's caused a racial riot And he eats whatever's on his plate if they Kentucky fry it He's not allowed to profit from his businesses with foreign guests They have a great big word for it, oh yeah, it's called emoluments Golly do you think that might be an impeachable offense Mueller's gonna try it, but I think we'll just wind up with Pence His ego is enormous and that's the only thing that is He has to use a tweezers when he takes a presidential whiz Colluded with the Russians but nobody's made the charges stick And if you don't make millions you had better damn well not get sick He has a baby's temper and an orange whiny scowl He tweets his wisdom from the throne while moving orange bowels Have we elected Gilligan, or is it Thurston Howell? He went to Puerto Rico and he threw some paper towels He thinks that he can legislate with a hundred forty characters While grabbing pussy left and right, hers and hers and hers and hers He don't care about minorities or kids or the environment He is the very model of a national embarrassment Copyright 2018 SG and Gilbert & Sullivan THE KAEPERNICK RAG A parody of "The Vatican Rag" and "National Brotherhood Week" as performed by Tom Lehrer First he got down on his knee As they sang oh say can you see Then he got left out of the draft pick, who Kaepernick Kaepernick Kaepernick Was he within his rights, you bet But he made the white folks so upset Those fine patriots call him a son of a bitch Doing the Kaepernick rag They said, your protest is indefensible And now we'll prove that you're dispensable Flags and sports are more important than The rights of African Americans Forced loyalty is the idea It works so well in North Korea Two four six eight Wow this thing sure escalated Now all these guys are on one knee Pissing off 45 and his VP Kneeling shows such disrespect, hey Kaepernick Kaepernick Kaepernick Now he can't work, he's on vacation Cause he pissed off all the Caucasians Protestin' peacefully Boy is he, uppity His rights don't matter He's beaten and battered We're doing the Kaepernick rag Cause in the... National Football League The National Football League You won't get hired if you think you have the right to speak Stand up and place your hand On your heart or you'll be banned That's the way we do things around here Now let's get back to bullying the... LGBT community Copyright 2018 SG and Tom Lehrer THE ENTERTAINER A parody of "The Entertainer" as performed by Billy Joel I am the entertainer, and I'm your 45th president I can't believe it either, that's why I tweet at 3 am Yes I won the white house fair and square, even though it was so rigged It's a beautiful thing, I keep winning It's all cash-flow in a reality show Think I'll buy another wig I am a big no-brainer, you're about to pay my price A hundred billion dollar wall, you're gonna pay that twice Ah but still you suckers love me, you love a big entitled brat And while I cut the funds for senior citizens And try to kill health care everywhere You'll blame the democrats I am a big fat-shamer, been all around the world Built some Russian palaces, raped all kinds of girls And have you met my son-in-law, he's gonna save me lots of dough Sent him to China with my eldest vagina To work out a way I won't repay Two hundred mil or so I'm practically Darth Vader, and I bring to you my sons Two sweet neo-nazis, who look out for number one They're taking care of my businesses, all of my monopo-lays With their hair so slick there's no conflict They're collecting rents on my emoluments God bless the USA I'm a perpetual campaigner, it's all a great big show I need to hear the accolades, feed my huge ego I'm the CEO of America, I won your minds and hearts With each speech I swivel at a fourth grade level And it works just fine for these fans of mine Cause they ain't that big on smarts I am a big complainer, and twitter is my stage I can't speak coherently, and I can't act my age I know Obama wiretapped me, cause I saw it on Fox news And all your cash I'll spend on my golf weekends And I'll convince the crowd that I'm well endowed Well at least more than Ted Cruz Thanks Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, for making me president Fuck the sick and elderly, and fuck the environment I will not show my taxes, and I'll lie and over-reach Cause my dad was rich, a whiny little bitch Like me can be king of everything Well until I get impeached I've seen the lights go out on Broadway Copyright 2018 SG and Billy Joel THE NRA SONG A parody of "Run Around" as performed by Blues Traveler Oh every day in the USA, people get shot full of lead Cause some young tool with an arsenal, oops forgot to take his meds We say boys will be boys with their phallic toys, they're never gonna go away So some freak is tweaked, but our elected geeks are owned by the NRA Yeah, we're the NRA Cause cash is king, we're all gazillionaires, so the laws don't change, you get thoughts and prayers And any meth-head can get an AR, or an Uzi off the shelf at Super Wal-Mart No background check, no problem at all, go ahead open fire at the goddam mall We're the NRA yo, why not open carry your guns around Cause gun-fire keeps our pee-pees up Won't let a bunch of snowflakes slow us down We swear to God it's all self-defense, selling millions of these things And we defend that mounting body-count, with our big old magazines We're all heroes stopping bad guys, yeah, we're all macho mega-studs Hey it feels real good just like Hollywood, but with real blood and guts With our heads right up our butts And I keep a freakin shotgun by my bed, though statistically my kids will shoot each other instead And one single gun will never do, cause it's all right there in amendment number two What's mine is mine, I need my Colt Carbine, and three glocks and a couple dozen AK-9s We're the NRA yo, you can open carry your guns around Cause it's a sure-fire way to keep profits up Won't let a bunch of snowflakes slow us down Oh sure, we heard, another massacre, some white boy from the klux klan of ku Hey, that's the price of freedom, yeah there ain't a whole lot that you can do We compensate, being inadequate, yeah, that's pretty typical And we repeat the line that automatics are fine, as if we're stopping criminals When we're just ammo-sexual Oh we think bangers and snubs are cool, when it's time to arm the ladies at the nursery school But I'd kill for a drone, or something ballistic, or a nuclear bomb, or anything shaped like a lipstick And that's all fine, thanks to our gun lobby You better pray your kids don't get blown away We're the NRA yo, you better wear your kevlar when you go out Cause it's a sure-fire bet one of our misfits Can't wait to mow you down We're the NRA yo, we like to open carry our guns around Cause it's a sure-fire way to keep profits up Won't let a daily massacre slow us down Copyright 2018 SG and John Popper DONNIE DONNIE (INMATE 675-309) A parody of "Jenny (867-5309)" as performed by Tommy Tutone Donnie Donnie who can you turn to Mueller's coming and I think he's gonna get you Yeah that election was rigged, just like you loved to say Now they've picked out your number down at the penitentiary Donnie they got your number You're gonna do some time Don, you'll be wearing a number Inmate 67-5309, inmate 67-5309 Inmate 67-5309, hey orange Boy, you should just resign Donnie Donnie, you're too dumb to know it You're a smug knucklehead who was always gonna blow it Putin ran your campaign, and made you his bitch You're gonna have to go away now, enjoy your orange privilege Donnie, they got your number You can't pay them off this time Don, you'll be wearing a number Inmate 67-5309, inmate 67-5309 Inmate 67-5309, twenty to life ain't that much time He got ya (he got ya) he got ya Yeah he's got you by the balls You see what you've done (treason) it's collusion Have a good time, yes you get one phone call Donnie, we've got your number You gonna do some time Don, you'll be wearing a number Inmate 67-5309, inmate 67-5309 Inmate 67-5309, hey mother-fucker, you should just resign 5309, just do your time Yes, you're gonna miss tee-time Cause there's no golf in prison, you arrogant self-centered nincompoop Donnie Donnie, who can you turn to Inmate 67-5309 For the ride of your life, gonna send you to Guantana-moo Inmate 67-5309 5309, the whole family's in line Yeah they're all in on the crime Everybody's doing some time Donnie Donnie, you're over your head In a couple of weeks you'll be making your roommate's bed Copyright 2018 SG and Alex Call & Jim Keller BEATEN ON A JET PLANE - LIVE VERSION A parody of "Leaving On A Jet Plane" as performed by John Denver Well I checked my bags for a hundred bucks Let the TSA look up my butt Ran to my gate, just in time to board The lady scanned my boarding pass I stumbled down the ramp and through first class To my seat in coach, that's all I could afford Then they said, sir you'll have to leave We're overbooked, we need your seat C'mon, be a sport, someone's gotta go So I got beaten on a jet plane Dragged down the aisle to baggage claim Hope someone caught it on video At first I thought they must be joking Wondered what the hell they're smoking And did they bring enough for all of us Then United called its special ops Two over-rated rent-a-cops But I paid my fare, I'm not gonna budge But the captain said you're out of luck We're overbooked, so you're just f***ed Grab your Cinnabon, it's time to go So I got beaten on a jet plane Now everybody knows my name And the lawyers are blowing up my phone Cause I got beaten on a jet plane Got one bad-ass insurance claim Now I'm United's new CEO Copyright 2018 SG, John Trentes, and John Denver |
DICK HEADS A parody of "Fish Heads" as performed by Barnes and Barnes Dick heads dick heads, stupid clueless dick heads Dick heads dick heads, blissfully dumb Dick heads dick heads, douche-y dufus dick heads Dick heads dick heads, mentally numb In the fast lane, texting weaving dick heads Then in Starbucks, holding up the line Dick heads dick heads, imbecilic dick heads Dick heads dick heads, buckets of scum Ask a dick head anything you want to He won't answer, he's looking at his phone Dick heads dick heads, thoughtless witless dick heads Dick heads dick heads, is this what we've become I took a dick head out to see a movie Didn't really enjoy it cause she talked the whole time Dick heads dick heads, inconsiderate dick heads Dick heads dick heads, awfully dumb They don't read novels, they don't have manners They're not good tippers, they don't play scrabble Dick heads dick heads, hiding money in the Cayman Islands Dick heads dick heads, they're a bunch of self-important bastards Stupid douche-y dick heads are never seen at the checkout counter paying for their purchases in an efficient and timely manner, yeah Dick heads dick heads, stupid clueless dick heads Dick heads dick heads, blissfully dumb Dick heads dick heads, blocking legislation Dick heads dick heads, ignorant scum Dick heads dick heads, hunting endangered rhinos Dick heads dick heads, arrogant and dumb Dick heads dick heads, douche-y dufus dick heads Dick heads dick heads, voting for Trump Copyright 2016 SG The "Weird Al" Country Medley How come you're always such a fussy young man Don't want no Cap'n Crunch don't want no raisin bran Well don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan So eat it, don't you tell me you're full Just eat it, eat it, get yourself an egg and beat it Have a banana, have a whole bunch, it doesn't matter what you had for lunch, just eat it Well I'm yelling and we're playing, but I don't know what I'm saying What's the message I'm conveying, can you tell me what I'm saying, no! I'm going to the hardware store People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique But the Frenchies think that my poop don't stink, I'm a genius in France Talk with your mouth full, bite the hand that feeds you, bite off more than you can chew Dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid And another comes on and another comes on, another one rides the bus Hey, I'm gonna sit by you, another one rides the bus I just can't understand it, why won't you return my phone calls Are you still mad I gave a mohawk to your cat Oh Melanie, what can the problem be Sweet Melanie, why won't you go out with me I'm driving a truck, driving a big old truck, pedal to the metal hope I don't run out of luck Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon, driving a truck with my high heels on Everybody shut up! Okay here's the deal, I'll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions Literacy is your mission, so that's why I think it's a good time And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye Merry Christmas y'all, now you're all gonna die The night Santa went crazy, the night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been getting a raw deal, something finally must have snapped in his brain I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed But remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed Oh my Yoda, yo yo yo ya yoda, yo yo you ya yoda They see me mowing my front lawn, I know that they're thinking I'm too white and nerdy Think I'm just too white and nerdy, think I'm just too white and nerdy Can't you see I'm white and nerdy, look at me I'm white and nerdy Think I'm just too white and nerdy, think I'm just too white and nerdy OMG I'm white and nerdy, look at me I'm white and nerdy Copyright 1979 � 2014 �Weird Al� Yankovic I WANNA EAT A BIG PIECE OF CHEESE I wanna eat a big piece of cheese A big piece of cheese, dipped in antifreeze I wanna eat a big piece of cheese Right before bed I really enjoy gastric reflux Gastric reflux, and barbecued ducks I really enjoy gastric reflux And waking up choking and panicking Cheese before bed gives me really weird dreams Like I'm in the Philippines, living on soup and jelly beans Cheese before bed gives me really weird dreams About ducks and Anthony Hopkins and oatmeal Oatmeal is a poor substitute for spackle Substitute for spackle, or Vietnamese Scrabble Oatmeal is a poor substitute for spackle But it's slightly more tasty I wanna eat a big bowl of spackle A big bowl of spackle, at the Mormon Tabernacle I wanna eat a big bowl of spackle With raisins and turnips and drywall screws I wrote this song in the Buffalo airport In the Buffalo airport, and it's too late to abort I wrote this song in the Buffalo airport When Northwest lost my luggage I'm really gonna miss my Harry Potter toothbrush My Harry Potter toothbrush, though I don't use it all that much I'm really gonna miss my Harry Potter toothbrush And my mint flavored Voldemort floss I liked the books way better than the movies Better than the movies, which can kiss my booty I liked the books way better than the movies Cause too much got left out I wanna eat a huge piece of cheese A huge piece of cheese, all covered in fleas I wanna eat a huge piece of cheese And puke it on that kid who keeps screaming Copyright 2016 SG THE YEAR THE BIG-MOUTH ASSHOLE FUCKING WON It was the year of Rio Olympics And Zika bugs and selfie sticks When the GOP they picked a prick Fifty years ago, I tell ya son That was the year the big-mouth asshole won I know it's hard to fathom now How he got his little hands on the white house When he casually told his angry white crowd I'll pay for your lawyer, now go beat up someone Yeah, that was the year the big-mouth asshole won That's right, he won, yeah he took it all Even while the Ku Klux Klan endorsed him, y'all He thought using nukes was a top-notch option Yeah, somehow that year the big-mouth asshole won Yeah he denied the fact that he'd Filed bankruptcy after bankruptcy On casinos for the love of pete We saw his amazing business acumen The year the big-mouth orange asshole won He worked the crowd like a con-man Kept his words small just like his hands Doubling down when questioned and Giving no apology or retraction Cause it was the year the big-mouth orange asshole won Somehow he won, yeah he took it all The year we heard them screaming, build that wall It was a particularly tough year to be a Muslim American Cause it was the year the big-mouth asshole won First he stood for this, then he stood for that Like a registered Republicrat He called women whores and gross and fat And he promised punishments for abortions And still somehow that year the big-mouth asshole won In the land of willful illiteracy We learned the word oligarchy And also demagoguery And open unwashed blatant racism Still, somehow that year the big-mouth asshole won Somehow he won, yeah he took it all But this thin-skinned emperor has no balls We started to envy the North Koreans The year the big-mouth asshole fucking won And according to Sean Hannity, the zombie scandal at Benghazi Was Hillary's fault entirely, so it really didn't hurt that she Was as disliked as Donald T., as he riled up society So sure that he and only he could come up with yuuuuge solutions The year the big-mouth asshole fucking won We thought it was all wrapped up for her All the votes were cast, and our voices heard We thought we'd flushed that mouthy turd Then everybody blamed someone They blamed Jill Stein and Gary Johnson And the DNC for making Hillary the one As we spun ever closer to the sun The year the big-mouth narcissistic, xenophobic, misogynistic, megalomaniacal, morally and fiscally bankrupt, bullying, bigoted, selfish, ignorant, conceited, moronic, ugly, egomaniacal, carnivorous, domineering, patronizing, macho, flabby, cheap, constipated, homicidal, barbaric, thoughtless, useless, tasteless, freeloading, pre pubescent, sexually-frustrated, short-sighted, dim-witted, money-hungry, pussy-grabbing, donut-eating, couch-sitting, gas-passing, pedophile asshole... Fucking won Copyright 2016 SG and Carla Ulbrich DUMB AMERICANS It was the year 2-0-1-6 when it went down, it went south Celebrity lives were crumbling, way way too young David Bowie left us then and there, very first thing, back in January And then it seemed that, out of nowhere, the Donald started winning everything, and Oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans Dumb Americans, dumb Americans, we are some dumb Americans Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans We veered right into Iowa and New Hampshire Then we heard that Prince was gone Then Donald knocked out Bush Carson and Christie, meanwhile we lost Muhammed Ali And as we freaked out over his hype and his bragging And we learned about his little hands Dear Gene Wilder got swooped right along And then we all cried when George Martin was gone And oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans Kind of arrogant, so embarrassin', we are some dumb Americans Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans Do you remember, old president Nixon Do you remember the ills he brought our way We're back to yesterday He's a Kim Jong Un-American, and without Severus Snape to guide us Believing smears and rumors and lies, who cares if the Kremlin compromises us Nyet nyet nyet, there's no Russian aggression You're just blinded by your mass depression Without Mrs. Brady we make lousy decisions, and R2D2 isn't in remission And now Zsa Zsa is gone, and goodbye to Leonard Cohen But why'd we have to elect this dope, just because our hearts are broken and Oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans We lost Garry Shandlin', and Merle Haggard and, we are some dumb Americans Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans He's just a pimp and he's just a hustler He's filling the swamp with his billionaire monsters Denying climate-change, and grabbing all of the wealth and Taking charity money buying paintings of himself, yeah I read fake news today, oh boy We got beat in a stunning defeat Rich white man says whatever he wants Brags about grabbing ladies by the... birth canal Really doesn't matter if he always gets busted She erased some emails, so she can't be trusted See how you feel when medicare is gone And all because we had to go and tell... Princess Leia and her mom goodbye... Oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans Kind of arrogant, so embarrassin', we are some dumb Americans Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans I want John Glenn back, I want Glenn Frye, and Jose Fernandez Oh my God, hang on Betty White Too many, too many gone We lost Leon Russell, we lost Ron Glass, and George Michael, WHAM they're all gone Growing Pains hurt, dammit... and that's not right, it's not right, it's not right alt-right We are some dumb Americans Copyright 2016 SG SHIT SHOWER AND SHAVE I know we must be dashing in a last-minute fashion my dear So I will give you a preview of how little I need to do to get out of here I don't have a clue what other girls do They take over an hour or two, I'd rather spend it with you Instead of in the loo, cause all I gotta do is Shit, shower, and shave Shit, shower, and shave Shit, shower, and shave to start my day and I'll be on my way You don't want me dirty, you don't want me late Give me less than thirty babe, and I can look like I took all day Cause all I gotta do is Shit, shower, and shave Shit, shower, and shave Shit, shower, and shave to start my day and I'll be on my way I'm low-maintenance, very nice to make your acquaintance Other bitches keep your clock ticking While we'd already be on the road tripping Shit, shower, and shave Shit, shower, and shave baby Shit, shower, and shave to start my day and I'll be on my way So let's be on our way So let's be on our way Copyright 2016 Stephanie Woods and SG CHEAT SHEETS She married a jerk, a mean little twerp He stares at all the other girls, and don't care about her He's such an idiot, taking her for granted He hasn't even noticed this new dude she's landed She hasn't cheated like this since final exams at school Now she's studying up how to play this fool She lays out the cheat sheets On the bed around 3 pm She has a quick little quickie, things get a little icky Then she switches em back again She says most of the commandments are really suggestions And breaking vows is an age old tradition and Hell she's practically a politician When she pulls out the cheat sheets She's learned to live a double life Cause she's prepared to pay The price of some extra detergent To wash out some extra dna She says baby eighty thread count is more than enough Cause these days she says she likes it rough She lays out the cheat sheets On her reinforced bed frame They do the horizontal mambo And then the wash of shame Now I'm not sayin' I'm against role-playin' But who are you foolin' with all your canoodlin' If you're a-sinnin', at least change the linen Bust out the cheat sheets She's gotta cover her tracks, playing doubles in the sack She's got them both by the short hairs, cause they're everywhere She lays out the cheat sheets Yeah she got them second hand On the afternoon of her wedding From the damn best man She likes to keep things nice and neat Her whips and chains and cuffs and cleats Her collars, clamps, and studded leash Cause she's the one in charge, capiche? She's got the cheat sheets Yeah she's got the cheat sheets She's got the cheat sheets Copyright 2016 SG BLUE BAYOOBS When you're a smurf with a dirty mind Feeling naughty all the time Much too short to catch anyone's eye What can a blue dude do Giant ladies just pass you by Cause you're only three apples high And you're the color of the summer sky Oh blue hoo hoo hoo That's why the Smurf boys say, Smurfette can I play With your blue bayoobs I can see in your eyes, you don't care about size Extra small will do It's been a long long time, and some parts of mine Might turn a deeper blue So what do you say, you let me play With your blue bayoobs Popeye has lovely Olive Oyl Homer has Marge for his girl And Wilma's loincloth makes Fred soil His yabba dabba do But this a cute kids' cartoon This is not fifty shades of blue Stop thinking 'bout Smurfette's wazoo What is wrong with you Still the Smurf boys say, Smurfette can I play With your blue bayoobs You're the only girl is this cartoon world I hope you're in the mood I brought a tube of bloob, it's this new blue lube That I bought from Scooby Doo So what do you say, you let me play With your blue bayoobs I brought carnations for you, hoping for a view Of your two blue bayoobs Copyright 2016 SG DOWNTOWN If you're older like me, the new vocabulary Is quite a mystery, what's downtown? Young adults use these terms, like garages and worms They're all Greek to me, and what is downtown? They take a lame pickup line, and they find a brand new way to ask it Like girl I wonder how can I get inside your goodie basket Oh nice, subtle, well everyone knows 20-somethings have their own lexicon So I can't understand, what the hell's going on, when they're going Downtown, what do they mean by that Downtown, exploring the cabbage patch Downtown, and what's Notorious VAG They keep changing this stuff, I can never keep up With all these epithets, like downtown No you may not leave this house, to meet some trouser mouse From the internet, young lady, downtown We gotta learn these nasty terms that they just toss about Like the itsy bitsy spider's gonna climb your shrouded spout Okay, what the hell is that? I have no idea what anybody is saying And they call me a grandpa, say I got no game What is downtown, everyone knows but me Downtown, so help me urban dictionary Downtown, why would that boy want an easy bake oven? In twenty years they'll understand my elderly frustration These kids today they think that they invented copulation Such attitude Cause I don't know the words, I get millennial scorn But I was banging your mom years before you were born Took her to pound town, oh have I embarrassed you? Downtown, flicked the little guy in the canoe Pound town, we got freaky and funky, went Downtown, gave a banana to the monkey Pound town, teaching the boys to swim Downtown, yes your mom went full Lewinski Downtown, she was cleaning my gun when it accidentally went off if you know what I mean Copyright 2016 SG HE AIN'T BREATHING I was doing some dumpster diving When I heard the couple across the way fighting I ducked down so they wouldn't know I heard When apparently she got the last word I think she stabbed him! She tagged him and bagged him and dragged him outside Heaved him in the dumpster to gather flies Now with all the slim jims and bottles of brew Suddenly this dumpster had seating for two He was dead, and I held his hand Couldn't believe she walked away from this perfect man I'd been single for so long and dammit, this was my chance He ain't breathin', but he's all mine Room for improvement, but otherwise he's fine She got the best years of his life, and I got eternity No he ain't breathin', but he's everything to me I make him dinner, he's never late He loves my cooking, though he can't masticate That's a fancy word for chewing, which he ain't really doing Cause his face is stuck Eat them taters baby... open up for the airplane! He's my snuggle buddy, we hold cold hands As we watch Frozen over and over again My parents hate him, they blow up my phone But he's my stinky dinky, they tell me let it go, let it go He ain't breathin', but he's all mine Room for improvement, but otherwise he's fine He'll never knock me up, he'll never lie or cheat No he ain't breathin', it's better than a vasectomy The only good guy is a dead guy That's what Nana would always say Who could be more loyal, than a guy who's passed away We like BDSM, he's so into submission And these days I get to pick every position Our love is so uncommon, now I'm studying embalmin' Now when we do it, who gets to inject who with fluids? Like magic he's always ready to go, abracadabra He should be the poster boy for viagara The neighbors might complain about the noise and report us But there's no little pill that keeps you stiff like, rigor mortis If your erection lasts more than four years, consult your mortician He ain't breathin', but he's all mine Room for improvement, but otherwise he's fine She got the best years of his life, and I got eternity No he ain't breathin', but he's everything to me He's my expiration date No he ain't breathin', OMG! RIP! Necrophilia's only a felony in seventeen states, right? Copyright 2016 SG and Karly Driftwood OH DARN IT Made a big mistake letting you go I can't do my own laundry so I'm commando You defragged my hard drive and fixed my mac You unstuck the zipper on my backpack But now you've gone and woe is me I can't do a thing for myself you see Can't find my keys where can they be And one more thing is really driving me crazy There's a hole in my sock that can only be fixed by you I've tried staples and thumbtacks and velcro and Elmer's glue Oh darn it, please darn it I can't even butter my bread I'll never figure out needle and thread This hole's so big my toe sticks through Yeah when I get sweaty, it sticks to my shoe I miss your kiss and your company But mostly I miss the things you did for me Like the way you repaired my PS3 And you put the seat up when I need to pee Now there's a hole in my sock that can only be fixed by you I'm a poor helpless guy with no clue what I'm supposed to do There's a hole in my sock that can only be fixed by you I've tried rivets and spackle and three kinds of gorilla glue Oh darn it, oh darn it Oh darn it, oh darn it Oh darn it Please darn it, please darn it Copyright 2016 SG and Anita Jackson STEVE'S HARRY POTTER MEDLEY Ever since I've been at Hogwarts... You're a magician... I felt so doomed... Probably dead meat... In that goblet of fire... Oh, Dudley's... Under my cloak... I can't wait... Rowling must deliver... Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be... Malfoy, Malfoy... Hermione's a pretty nice girl but she's got an awful lot to say... Yeah, just like a best friend should... Soaring up above the school... Avada Kedrava... Snape's after you Dumbledore... I can't wait... All I ever do is act Pottery... I am the horcrux... So I let him kill me... Umbridge bloody... I'm going, yes I'm going... She's Harry's girl... Dobby can you hear... Harry, Harry... Copyright 2001 - 2016 SG NINA Well I wrote a little song about Harry Potter And it struck a big chord with Al Yankovic's daughter That was a few years back, I'm sure she's moved on But for a little while there, I was the bomb Oh Nina, oh Nina, I have yet to meet ya But according to your weird old man, you're a big old fan of mine And that is so cool! Oh Nina, oh Nina, sure your dad's a genius But Dumbledore beats a hardware store every time Wouldn't you agree? Yeah, me too! Well I really wanted you to hear this song It's only one minute twenty-seven seconds long So at the risk of being sent to a sanitorium I went backstage at the Ryman Auditorium To give it to your dad, to pass on to you Oh Nina, oh Nina, I wanted to thank you by tweetin' ya But that would be creepy, so instead I wrote you a song Much more appropriate Oh Nina, oh Nina, you and your Mom and Dad and Sandy and Dina Are the coolest little family ever, like, awesome And I bet you have the bestest house in all of California, cause I bet it's got... Suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, and trouble-making poltergeists and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible... And 15,000 Hawaiian shirts (Thanks Dad) and YOU... NINA! You are the very coolest And by the way, I'm available to play bat mitzvahs... and weddings! Copyright 2016 SG and Melissa Miller THE TWIT IN TWITTER It's really hard to write songs about Donald... because nothing rhymes with... orange I've done dumb things with my smart phone When it's 3 am and I'm all alone Like texting some exes, while leasing a Lexus On two phones at once, because I'm ambidextrous I'm tweeting and swiping, snap chatting and skyping Then dumping my data, straight down the crapp-a But there's one dumb thing I've never done And that's tweet us all into oblivion Oh the whole world shivers when the Donald twitters From his golden shitter in the sky He's blowing up the nation, from an undisclosed location A one-sided conversation, at the speed of spite He's a big fat womanizer, full of fertilizer Yeah the Donald puts the twit in Twitter And he's scaring the twit out of me It's 3:15 in the morning... and... He's tweeting a zinger, to a popular singer Straight from his sphincter, on a shiny new phone He's tweeting us inta, nuclear winta With itty bitty fingers, is this guy stoned? Little thumbs are scootin', while he's convolutin' The constitution, and sexting with Putin Oh Vladmir my dear... how I wish you were here You're my big strong puppeteer, does this make us... comrades? Da. Oh, da! Da da da da DA DA DA DA! That was HUUUUGE! Oh the whole world shivers when the Donald twitters From his golden shitter in the sky He's blowing up the nation, from an undisclosed location A one-sided conversation, at the speed of spite He's a mental Lilliputian With overly simple solutions (that Mexico is gonna pay for) Yeah the Donald puts the twit in Twitter And he's scaring the twit out of me Cause I'm a whiny butt-hurt snowflake libtard... He's scaring the twit out of me Copyright 2017 SG and Malachi Davis I LOVE MY JOB I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it... till I believe it I love to work, I love to work, I love to work work work I love the man who hired me, that stinky stupid jerk I love my stupid cubicle, and zero privacy And I really love my co-workers who live to bother me I love the office coffee, it's a special vomit brew I love the office copier, from 1982 I love to park a mile away, when I pull an all-night-ah And someone tell me what the hell is FICA I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it... till I believe it I teach the latest software to the elderly And then I train the youngsters who'll take my job from me My computer is so ancient that it has a floppy drive And Windows 95 I love the office restroom, it's always squeaky clean I wave and wave and beg the stupid paper-towel machine The motion-sensor faucet works so perfectly � not And the toilet likes to flush mid-squat I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it... till I believe it In the elevator I tell a naughty joke I offend a twenty-something, turns out she's the CEO So I'm scrubbing her Mercedes, and smooching up her rear Ten more years till pension, and I am OUT of here I love to go to Staples where I pay for post-it notes I love that I could die right here and nobody would know Everyone's a corporate slacking whining millennial And I'd quit � but I just don't have the genitals I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it... till I believe it Copyright 2014 SG and Maria Tucker |
LOVE ME (ON) TINDER A parody of "Love Me Tender," "All Shook Up," and "Hound Dog" as performed by Elvis Presley Love me on Tinder, love me sweet I don't have all night And you're within 100 feet So swipe me to the right Love me on Tinder, swipe me through Say my dreams are real You have a smoking profile pic And darlin' I'd like to cop a feel Bathroom selfie, 3 am Boy I sure look fine You'd never know I'm three foot ten Or that my hair ain't mine Love me on Tinder, love me fast I love this f'ing app I've got two more after you Hope no one's got... the measles Love me on Tinder, hey you'll do Your name, sure, I'd like to know (why not?) We'll be done in just a few I don't actually love you... so...? Well bless my soul, you look so good And you're right here in my neighborhood You like my smile, and I like your butt It ain't love... but let's hook up Mmmm mmmm, oo oo, yeah yeah, let's hook up Well this one's a honey, this one's a ho It's three in the morning, let's go I ain't nothing but a horndog, scrounging all the time I ain't never had a woman 'cept the skanks I find online Copyright 2015 SG, Maya Rogel, and Carla Ulbrich THOSE THINGS YOU DO A parody of "That Thing You Do," as performed by The Wonders You, gotta stop doing those things you do As of today you can't be gay in the Hoosier State Cause that makes us go ewww Soon you'll, have to go to different schools Cause we don't want to explain to our sweet children Those icky things you do Cause God says guys shouldn't lie with guys Though two girls are kinda cool Yeah someone's got to stop those things you do We, know all the games you play And we knew someday we'd find a way to Straighten out you wicked gays through legislation Cause we, like Christianity That's what the founding fathers had in mind when They broke it off with England Yeah why should we try to accept you guys When the bible's literally true And it says we should stone you for doing those things you do We don't know a whole lot, but we know one thing for sure We know Hoosier daddy, and you better get outta Indiana's back door Cause we, are a decent society And we don't allow this sort of gross misconduct Though we do like fraternities You can try and fight for your civil rights But we're standing with Ted Cruz And we're gonna stop you doing those things Only we get wedding rings We can't take you doing those things you do Copyright 2015 SG I'M DONALD TRUMP A parody of "Get This Party Started," as performed by Pink With a mini-parody of "The Wall," as performed by Pink Floyd I'm.... Donald Trump, and I'm here to crash the Grand Old Party I'm.... Donald Trump, and you'll vote for me or you're retarded Everybody's running leaning hard to the right A commie's in the house that is supposed to be white You won't catch me saying anything that's PC America is ready for a genius like me I make so much money that my poop doesn't stink And we should round up all the Muslims, yeah, that's what I think I'm.... Donald Trump, and America will be so classy I'm.... Donald Trump, gonna kick that ISIS in the assy Reaching out to voters with my message of win Everybody out if you got that brown evil skin Liberals don't like it when I say what I want And Megyn Kelly's crying like a leaky tampon Look at me if you don't know what to wear Call me super-PAC MAN, and yes this is my hair I'm.... Donald Trump, and yes I am the grownup Cartman I'm.... Donald Trump, let's get that wall for beaners started We don't need no immigration I made me a fortune, a proud American With no help, but the million I got from my old man I'll dress up the White House with T. R. U. M. P. Lots of big old letters and no refugees Pumping up my ego with my name everywhere Gotta compensate for what's in my underwear I'm.... Donald Trump, let's forget my ties are all imported I'm.... Donald Trump, so I hope you like your facts distorted Get these guys deported My facts are unsupported Better close the borders, right now Copyright 2015 SG and Stephen DeBonrepos ENDOSCOPE A parody of "Your Horoscope For Today," as performed by "Weird Al" Yankovic Happy birthday! Now you're fifty years old and you'd rather not have to be thinking about a colonoscopy It's more pleasant to deny the fact that colo-rectal cancer kills a half a million people every year Your medical plan! Says preventive care is something they provide for free just for you (thanks Obama!) So get ready to let them hunt for polyps and ulcers and tumors in your rear Don't worry! Hey, doesn't it sound like fun to have a camera up inside in your colon Um, is there an alternate approach, like an X-ray or a cancer-sniffing dog, they all say nope This gadget! Is mounted on a tube and can remove tiny polyps for examination later on (wow!) And apropos to this procedure they call this rectal selfie-stick an endoscope That's an endoscope up your A.... yay yay yay yay yay That's an endoscope up your A (say cheese!) There must be some other way.... yay yay yay yay yay No that's an endoscope up your A (I need more light.. boy, the sun really doesn't shine up here) You just gotta do this, that's what everyone says, quit being such a baby Call the doctor and make an appointment and eventually the nice receptionist will call you back Get ready! She tells you that for three days you'll be feasting on nothing but broth just like a lingerie model To roto-root and clear out every tiny little bit of fecal matter clinging to your digestive tract Ew! You also gotta clear your schedule to allow extra quality time with your toilet (oh no) Go to Walgreens and ask them for economy-sized strawberry-flavored industrial-strength laxatives Oh boy! And stop at the library to borrow giant stacks of reading material (yeah... just keep this stuff) And now it's three days on the pot with lots and lots of Harry Potter and constant explosive flatulence And then an endoscope up your A.... yay yay yay yay yay That's an endoscope up your A (you may feel a little pressure...) Without the slightest bit of foreplay.... yay yay yay yay yay That's an endoscope up your A (Get my good side! Wait! My eyes were closed!) Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that a camera that's crammed inside your butt could have the slightest chance of seeing anything carcinogenic that's attached itself inside your large intestine but according to the internet there's every indication that your chances of surviving through your fifties are pathetic unless you submit yourself to this undignified procedure and you put your trust and faith in modern western medicine... where was I? It's time! Now you're ready to let them go where no man has ever gone before You're smart, you got an early appointment so you'll have the whole day to recover from PTSD Lie down! You get a gown that covers nothing in the back so your crack is on display for absolutely everyone And now you realize the brilliance of this simple yet ubiquitous design for maximized visibility Anesthesia! Curl up in a ball like the baby you've become and then there's drugs (ooooo) Soon you're sleeping and dreaming of rainbows and unicorns and not the thing that's up your personal space Recovery! Now it's over and you're hoping that they didn't find a tumor or a spatula or anything humiliating You get a friend to drive you home and sit and binge The Walking Dead all day while stuffing chocolate in your stupid face That was an endoscope up your A.... yay yay yay yay yay That was an endoscope up your A (scared the crap out of me!) Read the card on that bouquet.... yay yay yay yay yay That's an endoscope up your A (everybody!) That's an endoscope up your A.... yay yay yay yay yay That's an endoscope up your A (now just the pharmaceutical salespeople!) You want to grow old like George Takei.... yay yay yay yay yay Well shove an endoscope up your A (where's my lollipop?) Copyright 2015 SG and Carla Ulbrich WALK OF SHAME A parody of "Danke Schoen," as performed by Wayne Newton Walk of Shame, darling, Walk of Shame Thank you for all the sheets we stained Even though, we made love consensually We knew potentially, eventually You'd be on the street, in your bare feet Walk of Shame, why you call it Walk of Shame I don't see the need for these phony names If you were a guy, you'd do the Strut of Pride But since you wore a dress, and were my guest Now you regret, jumping in bed Walk of Shame, it's time for the Walk of Shame Down the alley, behind Lover's Lane Sexually, I say c'est la vie But you're afraid, of the price to be paid So put on your shades, and join the parade Walk of Shame, darling, Walk of Shame Obviously you're unlikely to want to see me again Though now we go our own separate ways While you stumble home, I'm here alone Trolling tinder on my phone Walk of Shame, oh darling, Walk of Shame A thousand times you've said, �never never never never never never again!� At that bar we closed, your picture's in a frame So the memory stays for always That walk is your claim to fame Walk of Shame, auf wiedersehen Walk of Shame, what was your name? Copyright 2015 SG and Carla Ulbrich SLEEP WITH THE WHOLE BAND A parody of the "Be A Pepper" television commercial I play all the instruments on my songs I don't hire a band to play along So if you're a girl who finds me kinda cute Here's some facts that you might want to compute I'm the singer, I'm the bassist I play drums and keys let's face it All of them are me, it's sad but true I play guitar, I write the songs They're typically sixty seconds long So ask yourself if that'll really do You love music and comedy, but You don't want your friends to call you Slut So come fulfill your teenage fantasy Of doing a whole band, monogamously I'm the driver, roadie, coffee bringer, Backup singer, triangle ringer Sound guy and choreographer too Your bucket list can go much faster Seven matching plaster casters Hey I'll even sign �em for you Sleep with me and ya sleep with the whole band The manager's a dork but the piano man is all hands Hey where ya going we're just getting started The singer's lonely and the drummer's broken-hearted Hey babe I know, one or two positions So why does God hate comedy musicians I gotta pee Copyright 2015 SG and Carla Ulbrich I JUST SNEEZED IN MY PIE A parody of "I Believe I Can Fly," as performed by R. Kelly I used to think that I could do no wrong In awkward situations I'd be so strong But out to eat with friends, it's late in the evening Not the best moment for, a giant fit of sneezing I can't believe this, it's my damn allergies, yes They've got me on my knees-es-es, oh please help me Jesus-es-es I just sneezed in my pie And in Bob's salad and Martha's fries Denny's open every night and day But they never seen nothing fly that way Now the waitress is sore Got me running out that kitchen door I just sneezed in my pie, I just sneezed in my pie I just sneezed in my pie Nobody else shot any snot, just me I am why, my apple pie got booger-y I horrified my friends, all twelve of them It was just like the last supper, but with extra phlegm If I could have stopped it, or somehow could have blocked it I'd have taken my nose and padlocked it, or aimed my snot-rocket into my pocket, but no... I just sneezed in my pie And right in Bob's grilled tilapi-i Denny's open every day and night But I ruined everybody's appetite Now the waitress is sore She grand slammed me to the floor I just sneezed in my pie, I just sneezed in my pie I just sneezed in my pie Copyright 1998 � 2015 SG and Carla Ulbrich THE GUMP-BIEBER-POOP MEDLEY A parody of "Jenny / 867-5309," as performed by Tommy Tutone, "Cat Scratch Fever" as performed by Ted Nugent, and "Lookin' Out My Back Door" as performed by Credence Clearwater Revival Jenny Jenny, you're the girl for me You don't know it but you make me so happy Jenny I got your number, I need to make you mine Jenny don't change your number, 867-5309 I am not a smartphone, but I know what your number is, 867-5309 Well I hate his stupid music but all the kids idolize him Rock star at age 13 And now he's vandalizing houses, getting DUI's and He's the only thing on TV Man I hate that brat Bieber, that brat Bieber Just got home from Taco Bell, unlock the front door, oh hell Got to sit down, get relief on the throne Ate two great big chalupas, now I'm full of poop-ahs And there's doo doo doo, pokin' out my back door I can't get my front door open, my stupid key is broken Gotta make it to the crapper, please somebody let me in Them tacos I was hoggin', now I'm doing some prairie-doggin' And there's doo doo doo, lookin' out my back door Chorizo seems so innocent, but it's started to expand And my insides are at high-tide it's true, doo doo doo In my crap condition, I must assume the position And there's doo doo doo, lookin' out my back door My sphincter's ready to deploy, I'm backed up like an altar boy And it's a damn emergency, gotta get into the john It's fiber one tomorrow, today I'm Kilimanjaro And there's doo doo doo, blowin' out my back door Copyright 2015 SG, Ty Hager, and Stephanie Woods I DROPPED MY PHONE IN THE TOILET I was texting with six friends at once When nature called and would not be forestalled So I brought the phone with me onto the throne, thinking They can't smell a text, so they'd never know, but then I dropped my phone in the toilet, my phone's in the toilet My droid took a dive, what am I gonna do My whole life's in that phone, now my life's in the toilet And if you think your life stinks, oh boo hoo hoo hoo Between my knees my cell fell two feet to hell All my contacts and pictures and games I can't lose I just gotta retrieve it, but I'd rather leave it Forget rubber gloves, I need a damn hazmat suit Cause I dropped my phone in the toilet, my phone's in the toilet My whole life's in that phone and now my phone's in the loo It won't help to boil it, my life's in the toilet Public service announcement, don't text and poo As I stand here transfixed, I might be sick It's not the bandwidth, it's just so damn ripe How will folks get in touch, I use that thing so much But it coulda been worse, yeah it could've been Skype Hey Steve... where's your phone? Where it's dark as a dunghole and stinky and ewww Where the finest of caviar, is the same as beef stew Where it's vile and it's nasty with bacteria galore That's where you'll find the droid I'm looking for Samsung, in the loo, everybody's dropped one... Copyright 2015 SG, Carla Ulbrich, and Jenny Casey F U R2D2 A parody of "Kyle Are You Ian?" as performed by Scooter Picnic There's a tiny little droid kinda looks like a salt-shaker Can't really talk but he beeps like a wise-acre Little piece of junk who steals every scene From the swamps of Degoba to the sands of Tattoine Some people think he's cute but I think he's a creep He can open every door, he can always have a peep That's worse than Superman's x-ray vision Cause no matter what the codes, R2D2 has permission To raid your bank account or take pictures of your wife And post them on your facebook, and that sh*t isn't right He can screw up Idol, he can screw up The Voice And dammit that sh*t is supposed to be people's choice He can mess with an election, he can always get his way That's what happened in Florida in Y2K I think that's terrible, evil, and deplorable But everyone thinks he's cute, yeah the girls think he's adorable F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 You're as attractive to me as Pelosi in a see-through So F*ck you R2D2, F*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 I'll take you to the airport and send you to Puerto Rico F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 He could solve global warming but he just makes it worse And he sucks at rhyming and he sucks at free-verse He comes drunk to a party and he'll never ever leave He's got real bad breath for a dude who doesn't breathe He likes showing crappy holograms for everyone to see But some of those holograms aren't exactly rated G Like the time the Emperor had his way with Darth Vader The droid put that sh*t on youtube a day later And I didn't need to see Vader on his knees Using the Force to its logical extremes But even that wouldn't have been offensive to me But everyone knows holograms are 3-D Agh! My eyes! I'm in a permanent cringe Thanks you little bastard, now my retinas are singed I can't unremember what you just made me see Three-P-O, how could you let him do this to me F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 You ruined my life, and ended my libido So F*ck you R2D2, F*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 Should have left you in the swamp, or mailed you to Escondido F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 Some might say I'm totally wrong They say R2 is fine, this is a terrible song They can think what they want, but did they ever consider He could have blown up the death star on his own, the little shitter While we were risking the lives of all those good guys He could have phoned in a code and de-Imperial-ized The whole galaxy without lifting a digit But he didn't cause he's a malicious metal midget F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 My stupid smart-phone has this dream to be you F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 There's must be a way to Control-Alt-Delete you F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 Copyright 2012 SG, Ian Bonds, and Kyle Carrozza ITCHY SONG #1,543 A parody of "Witchy Woman," as performed by The Eagles Way down there, I've got an itch Hard to reach with my fingertips It drives me crazy, all damn night I hope the doctor can make this right Itchy scrotum, please Doc, I need some fungicide Itchy scrotum, I'm not immune to the lice Well I know you want a lover, better find another Don't be sleeping in this nasty bed Something funky's going round, some fungus in this town It'll keep you busy scratching till your junk turns red Itchy scrotum, why oh why oh why Itchy scrotum, who gave me genital lice Copyright 2015 SG MY DOG NEVER MULTI-TASKS I've learned so much from my dog He lives the most contented life Sniffing and humping and sleeping and I've Always tried to magnify his joy and never spoil it I'm learning from the master, who's drinking happily from the toilet My dog never multi-tasks When he's licking his ass, he's licking his ass He's not on the phone and making tea And checking email while watching TV And working craigslist simultaneously No when my dog licks his ass, he just licks his ass They say it's a dogs life when things go wrong But I have never understood Why napping all day is anything but good If I could heighten all my senses, there's so much he could teach But like inner peace and Nirvana, there are some things l just can't reach My dog does one thing, that's all When he's licking his balls, he's licking his balls He's not shopping online and acquiring more possessions And making gluten-free pasta and popping anti-depressants And replacing all his light bulbs with fluorescents No when my dog licks his balls, he just licks his balls Man I wish I could... do just one thing at a time... Copyright 2015 SG and Carla Ulbrich DO YOUR JOB A parody of "I Love My Job," as performed by Steve Goodie Oh do your job, just do your job, just do your freakin' job Or you're gonna learn the meaning of convictions We elected you to do your job, so sign the freakin' forms Or your backward ass is going back to prison Way down in Kentucky there's some folks who want to go To the courthouse to get married, but the clerk there tells them no Cause the institute of marriage is just too sacred for words And she'd prefer it if you didn't mention, all four of hers She's in love with Jesus and she thinks she has the duty To perpetuate some bigotry toward those she thinks are fruity When they show up at her office in their full monogamy She says, God is my authority (praise Huckabee!) Do your job, just do your job, just do your freakin' job You're legally required to sign this license You can quit, but cut the sh*t, you are not permitted To choose which laws receive your compliance (do I hear banjos?) The Bible has to win, so the constitution's tossed Cause her brain's the only thing she has that's recently been washed Her bible clearly states, it's one woman and one guy At least in Morehead, KY She loves her fellow humans, she bears ill will toward none She'll be happy to, issue you, a nice license for a gun But try to choose the spouse for you, she has a hissy fit So in her cell she'll sit Oh do your job, just do your job, just do your freakin job Who are you to say who can get married What would Jesus do, that long haired hippie Jew He'd say shut your hole and go hitch up the fairies (Well, he'd say it nicer than that...) She speaks with her creator, all day long she has his ear And she's quite convinced that it's a sin to tolerate the queers She thinks she's Rosa Parks, standing up for something bigger But she's the freakin' driver, saying back of the bus, n----- She likes to play the martyr, cause she feels so persecuted She likes her country pure and her religion undiluted Denying others' rights gets her all kinds of limelight So she won't quit... damn, you really can't fix stupid She says I love I love I love I love my job job job And no you homos cannot make me do it I love I love I love I love my God God God And your sissy civil rights? Ah, screw it! It's your job, do your job Do your job, do your job dammit Copyright 2015 SG, Carla Ulbrich, and Maria Tucker NICE GUYS FINISH LAST Your mama said go find yourself a nice man like your dad And you're all like �Boring! They leave me snoring, who has time for that?� But your mama had it right, and I'll tell you why That punk-ass jerk you're dating got nothing on a real nice guy Cause nice guys finish last, so you can finish first He's not just into getting his, he's really into yours Bad boys might be sexy, but they'll treat you like liverwurst Remember nice guys finish last, so you can finish first Now good guys get a bad rap, for never getting drunk and never getting into fights You think they're totally unable to ever stand up for themselves but hell they'll stand up for you all night They'll hold your hand and hold your hair when you're blitzed off your butt That dork with the diet Dr. Pepper, he can still get up Nice guys finish last, so you can finish first When it comes to hers and his, he's totally 100% undeniably into getting her hers He has a sensibile car and he has a way of making that kitty purr Remember nice guys finish last, so you can finish first So it's come to this, your mama had it right If your daddy wasn't totally boring and totally into her You wouldn't be here tonight Nice guys finish last, so you can finish first He can hold his breath for hours, and you know how much that's worth He'll open your door, pick up the check, and hold your stupid purse But most importantly...nice guys finish last, so you can finish � Oops... sorry... Copyright 2015 SG and Amanda Cornett DON'T BE A DICK Text me back within an hour, every few weeks maybe take a shower Don't swear at my mom, don't hit on other chicks All you have to do is, don't be a dickhead Don't be a dick, no don't be a dick Just cause you have one you don't have to act like it Now you're all broken hearted but I don't give a shit When all you had to do is, don't be a dick Get yourself a job, try to show up Wash a damn dish, or a fork or a cup A first date shouldn't be anywhere that starts with �Mc� All you have to do is, don't be a dickhead Don't be a dick, no don't be a dick Just cause you have one you don't have to act like it Now you're all broken hearted but I don't give a shit When all you had to do is, don't be a dick It's a very simple rule, don't be a tool You drive a sweet beemer, but don't be a weiner You're all out of luck, cause you're acting like a shmuck Let's get something straight between us, you're being a total penis Don't be a dick, no don't be a dick You had to be a prick, so I don't give a lick Now you're all broken-hearted cause you couldn't handle it When all you had to do is, don't be a dick Now I'm telling everyone, you are fun-size-hung When all you had to do is don't forget to not be a dick Copyright 2014 SG and Ashley E. Norton WAR ON XMAS IS OVER A parody of "Happy Xmas, War Is Over," as performed by John Lennon and Yoko Ono So you say Merry Christmas, and that makes me smile But when I say Happy Holidays, you get all hostile Yes I know that it's Christmas, it's very special to you But there are other winter holidays, I'm just including them, too (but it's all about you) There is no war on Christmas, you go ahead and celebrate But you don't own December, you gotta try and tolerate (sorry about that) You can sing all those carols, you can hang up those lights War is over, there never was one Put your tree in the living room, wait for Santa all night (we will not infringe on your rights) War is over, there never was one But I might light some candles, or read an old sacred scroll War is over, there never was one Or get a sweet little Bodhi tree, or a Festivus Pole (or nothing at all) War is over, there never was one There is no war on Christmas, so celebrate and believe Enjoy religious freedom, don't force yours on me (seriously, get over it) So you say Merry Christmas, that's a lovely thing to say War is over, there never was one It's a very warm, friendly sentiment, and so is Happy Holidays War is over, there never was one And before there was Christmas, there were many very special winter events War is over, there never was one There was Diwali and Hanukkah and the Winter Solstice and all sorts of New Year's celebrations, so who are you to take offense? War is over, there never was one Dude, there is no war on Christmas, do you just like getting mad? It's a lie that you tell yourself Like when you told yourself Santa wasn't actually your dad The war is over, there never was one The war is over, try to act Christian Yo... what time am I supposed to don my gay apparel? Copyright 2014 SG |
I LOVE MY JOB I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it till I believe it I love to work, I love to work, I love to work work work I love the man who hired me, that stinky stupid jerk I love my stupid cubicle, and zero privacy And I really love my co-workers who live to bother me I love the office coffee, it's a special vomit brew I love the office copier, from 1982 I love to park a mile away, when I pull an all-night-ah And someone tell me what the hell is FICA I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it till I believe it I teach the latest software to the elderly And then I train the youngsters who'll take my job from me My computer is so ancient that it has a floppy drive And Windows 95 I love the office restroom, it's always squeaky clean I wave and wave and beg the stupid paper-towel machine The motion-sensor faucet works so perfectly � not And the toilet likes to flush mid-squat I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it till I believe it In the elevator I tell a naughty joke I offend a twenty-something, turns out she's the CEO So I'm scrubbing her Mercedes, and smooching up her rear Ten more years till pension, and I am OUT of here I love to go to Staples where I pay for post-it notes I love that I could die right here and nobody would know Everyone's a corporate slacking whining millennial And I'd quit � but I just don't have the genitals I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it till I believe it Copyright 2014 Steve Goodie and Maria Tucker THAT BRAT BIEBER Well I hate his stupid music, but the kids idolize (him) Rock star at age 13 And now he's vandalizing houses, getting DUI's (and) He's the only thing on TV Man I hate that brat Bieber That brat Bieber Well now folks want him deported, yeah he's got to go Hey, let's lock him in Anne Frank's house Or we could waterboard this moron down in Guantanamo See if he can sing while he drowns (gargling) Man I hate that brat Bieber That brat Bieber Yeah I hate that brat Bieber That brat Bieber Thought he'd blow over, a passing craze, let's wait for his voice to change But now he's drag-racing, and throwing eggs Punching people and running away, away, to his security Well the first time that I saw him was on SNL He was rubbing up on Tina Fey That smug little mother acts so entitled Hope they lock that snotty fucker away Man I hate that brat Bieber That brat Bieber Yeah I hate that brat Bieber That brat Bieber Copyright 2014 Steve Goodie THE BIG BANG THEORY SONG There's Koothrappali, Wolowitz, and Hofstadter, and Cooper They're geniuses and physicists and whizzes with computers Sheldon is a freak of nature, Howard rides a scooter And everyone but Sheldon is obsessed with ladies' hooters Sheldon is a genius and he spends his extra time enjoying Things like quantum physics, model trains, and punking Stephen Hawking He finds lesser human beings very disappointing... And all his friends agree he's quintessentially annoying Leonard's just as smart as Sheldon with the added attribute Of having normal human needs like a semi-normal hetero dude He's nerdy and he's dorky and he can't have lactose in his food His mother wrote a book about his every stinky poopy poo Across the hall's a waitress who works at the Cheesecake Factory She came here from Nebraska, she's an actress, well, a wannabe And Leonard is in love with her though she is not a PhD Her name's Penelope although her last name is a mystery Sheldon cannot stand it when his girlfriend even touches him While Raj is so damn desp'rate he makes out with his dog Cinnamon And Amy Farrah Fowler wants a physical relationship... And Wolowitz would do it with a chicken if it had some lips Amy friended Penny although Penny ain't the brightest Sheldon has the biggest brain though you could not say it's politest The chances that he'll procreate are amongst the very slightest Cause pigs will fly the day he tries a bit of that coitus Howard married Bernadette and moved out of his mother's house He's been up in orbit where he never should have been allowed He wrote a song for Bernadette when things had started going south He sang to her in quarantine and that's what nerdy love's about Bernadette gets kinda crazy when she is competing Stay out of her way if there's a chance that she'll be beaten And while we're on the subject of the needs these nerds are needing... Sheldon throws a hissy fit if in his spot you're sitting Sheldon Cooper 'n Amy Farrah Fowler have a contract �Bout holding hands and Valentine's and frequency of lip-contact Someday maybe they might make it halfway to the sack And it'll all start with a Big Bang Copyright 2014 Steve Goodie WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD She moved in the house across the street when I was just fourteen And from my vast experience she was the best I'd ever seen My mom and dad took a pie and went to say a neighborly hello But I was too chicken to cross the road Cross the road (cross the road) Cross the road (cross the road) Yeah I was too chicken to cross the road I'd-a liked to help her mow the yard, but I was too afraid To come pull some weeds or plant some seeds, or just bring her lemonade �Bout fifty yards to her house from ours, but I just couldn't go Cause I was too chicken to cross the road Cross the road (cross the road) Cross the road (cross the road) Yeah I was too chicken to cross the road Well after weeks of brooding by myself One day I came out of my shell When I crossed that road, my heart raced As we stood face to face Do you know what she said? She said I saw you at your house the day we moved in the neighborhood And from my vast experience no one ever looked so good My voice would squeak if I tried to speak afraid my thoughts would show And I was too chicken to cross the road Cross the road (cross the road) Cross the road (cross the road) Yeah I was too chicken to cross the road Well we laughed and talked and laughed some more Like we'd been friends for years And after all this time together We still laugh at those old fears And we've never heard a truer word, it's so obvious now we know It was love that made the chicken cross the road Yeah we were quite a pair, both so scared, but now we laugh at that old joke It was love that made the chicken cross the road It was love that made the chicken cross the road Copyright 2014 Steve Goodie, Justin Case, and Jenny Casey SHUTDOWN We're the far right in the gov'ment And we really like to say no (for five freakin years) And we're so afraid of that damn ACA that We've fought it through forty-two votes We don't like all this spending Don't get sick, if you can't pay We got what we got, and screw all you have-nots Yeah, we're used to getting our way, we're cry-babies Shut down, we'll go ahead and stick it to ya Shut down, and blame it on the other side Shut down, Obamacare is socialism Shut down, it's all mine, it's all mine, it's all mine Shut down, we'll go ahead and stick it to ya Shut down, to hell with the 99 Shut down, Obamacare is socialism Shut down, it's all mine, it's all mine, it's all mine Copyright 2013 Steve Goodie STEVE THE PIRATE - LIVE When I was a young man I set out to sea A swashbuckling pirate I aspired to be I was bold, I was eager, I was stalwart and stout But we'd no sooner put out from port than I threw my back out Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to me But no chiropractor he turned out to be On that ship I could find no relief for my back �Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack Singin' yo ho, maybe I was mistaken This is a voyage I shouldn't a'taken Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me On the second day out, my misfortune did grow Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo I sustained several bruises, I lost a gold crown And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down Oh I suffered all manner of infirmity From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD I was bloated and moody, my skin was a mess If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me I could not rape and pillage along with the crew So, the captain he gave me some filing to do But it did not take long until I did succumb To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome By the end of the week all me mateys could tell My career as a pirate wasn't going too well Seems the crew took a vote when I wasn't around And decided nobody would miss me too much if I drowned Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits If the captain finds out I'm allergic to parrots Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me I escaped just in time I am pleased to report Though my plank-walkin' fate I did barely abort I washed out as a pirate upon the high seas So now I confine all my pirating to MP3s Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin' When Taylor Swift I was caught catalogin' Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately, clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive compulsive neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie and Andy Corwin FORREST DOES JENNY Hey My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to You give me something I can hold onto I know you think I'm like the others before Who saw your name and number on the wall Jenny, I got your number I need to make you mine Jenny, don't change your number 867-5309 867-5309 Me and Jenny goes together like peas and carrots Jenny, Jenny, you're the girl for me I gotta pee You don't know it, but you make me so happy From my carrot I tried to call you before but I lost my nerve I don't know where my nerve went I tried my imagination but I was disturbed I think I ruined your roommate's bathrobe Jenny, I got your number I need to make you mine Jenny, don't change your number 867-5309 That's what I said, I said 867-5309 I know... I know, I said that I got it, I got it I got your number on the wall I got it, I said I got it For a good time, for a good time call Jenny, why was your number on the wall? And what were you doing in the men's room? You should go home to Greenbow Alabama! Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates, wearing comfortable shoes I don't know what that means I just love playing ping-pong with my Flex-O-Lite ping-pong paddle I would like to spank Jenny with my Flex-O-Lite ping-pong paddle In the buttocks Hey, Jenny, don't change your number I need to make you mine Jenny, I called your number It was 867-5309 Lieutenant Dan, that was the number I called 867-5309 Dammit, that was what I called 867-5309 I am not a smartphone, but I know what your number is 867-5309 Yeah, that's it , it's 867-5309 Bubba always said shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it, there's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried, there's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich... Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to? 867-5309 For the price of a dime I can always turn to you 867-5309 And that... that's about it. That's all I got to say about that Copyright 1982 Tommy Tutone, updated slightly in 2014 by Ty Hager and Steve Goodie DOT-MATRIX PRINTER I, I, I love my old Apple III It weighs 90 pounds The seven-inch screen is green Perfected in �83 I look inside, no hard drive It's side by side, with my Wang dot-matrix printer Got the one-button mouse in my hand Wait, this thing has got no mouse, it was '84 when that came out Five grand I just spent Got no freaking internet I look inside, still no hard drive Quarter-meg of RAM, and my Wang dot-matrix printer Steve Jobs was alive back then He had a fight with Mr. Gates, who ripped off windows and ran away Their patents depend On their Palo Alto friends Now look inside, 1 meg drive No PCI, but I can dial-up all I like Ahh, can't keep up with technology All this stuff changes quarterly God I sure miss the seventies Cassettes held my data fine Memory was tubes and junk, a bunch of cards I had to punch To add one and one Took slightly more than a month I look inside, 2 meg drive now Side by side, with my Wang dot-matrix printer Look in there, no malware It'll outlive your new MacBook Air Oh my god, band is broad My modem is 56 baud Look at this, floppy disc I wish they still made �em like this Copyright 2014 Steve Goodie and Timothy Weber HEADIN' DOWN TO NASHVILLE Rayna James has a real big name But it's been a few years since the top of her game Juliette Barnes is the next big thing She's a red hot mess but she sure can sing The label says ladies you gotta share the stage The claws come out like two cats in a cage So I'm heading down, heading down to Nashville I love that town, it's all happening in Nashville With the red lips, white lies, and the Bluebird's neon lights I'm heading down, heading down to Nashville Deacon likes slingin' his guitar around Breakin' heart-strings with hot licks all over town You don't ask Deacon what Deacon don't do Cause the player is a player, like a dog named Sue And Teddy likes Peggy, and Peggy's not shy Cooking books, naughty looks, little nookie on the side Now Teddy and Lamar are drowning in the Cumberland And Peggy's got an itty bitty Teddy, in the oven Down in Nashville I'm heading down, heading down to Nashville I love that town, it's all happening in Nashville With the red lips, white lies, and the Bluebird's neon lights I'm heading down, heading down to Nashville Juliette and Sean, sitting in a tree Very very temporarily She's tweetin' her peeps, girl never sleeps Though every five minutes she's between the sheets When One Young Diva plays Two Old Hippies The crowd knocks over one of Rayna's little kiddies While Scarlett's waiting tables down at the Bluebird With a voice like an angel never saying a word She's crazy �bout Avery who's a little unsavory Down under with Gunnar are they gonna misbehave, she Gets a big break, Rayna wants her to record While Gunnar's big brother's downtown at the morgue Now Gunnar's all ghetto with Jason's old words And he wonders whether Will is into boys or girls And Deacon is freakin cause he's Maddie's new daddy Yeah it might be fair to say that he took the news badly Made Rayna wreck her ride after the CMAs Yeah he gets a little touchy 'bout his DNA And since Avery's barbecued his master tapes He couldn't get arrested buck naked on Broadway Down in Nashville I'm heading down, heading down to Nashville I love that town, it's all happening in Nashville With the red lips, white lies, and the Bluebird's neon lights I'm heading down, heading down to Nashville Juliette and Dante, started out hot Never woulda thought he was gonna get shot Thought he'd try his hand at a little blackmail But her pistol-packin' mama sent his ass to hell (How's that for irony? Get it? Dante? Hell?) I'm heading down, heading down to Nashville I love that town, it's all happening in Nashville With the red lips, white lies, and the Bluebird's neon lights I'm heading down, I'm heading down I gotta get me some of that... Heading down to Nashville Tune in next week and find out... will Scarlett say yes to Gunnar's proposal? Will Rayna keep her driver's license? Will Juliette figure out where to put the batteries in her CMA award? Will Teddy get a **#%&** clue? Will Will make up his mind? Will Dante form a twelve-step program in hell? Will Jolene be his sponsor? Copyright 2013 Steve Goodie, John Trentes, and Tim Panyard DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY The war has started This might go on all night The dark lord's come a-knockin' I'm so glad I trained these kids to fight Started up this organization To resist this evil occupation Dumbledore's Army is here to stay Dumbledore's Army, it's the D.A. And god help anyone stupid enough To get in our way When I met this kid Longbottom He'd never cast a spell But now I'm glad we've got him Yeah he's been giving the dark lord hell With a sword and his mimbulus One more hallow, one less darn horcrux Dumbledore's Army is here to stay Dumbledore's Army, is the D.A. And god help anyone stupid enough To get in our way Hogwarts just got attacked Voldemort's in the shrieking shack I'm on the hunt, where did Riddle hide That bit of his soul he left inside Where no one would find it so He'd never die So I let him kill me And somehow Dumbledore appeared Now everything's explained By memories from Severus's ear Snape was on the good side all along Turns out he was crazy �bout my mom Dumbledore's Army is here to stay Dumbledore's Army, is the D.A. And god help anyone stupid enough To get in our way If I get through this I'm gonna snog Ginny Weasley And god help anyone stupid enough To get in our way Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh Copyright 2013 Steve Goodie MILEY THE SEQUEL Twerk twerk twerk, do do do do Twerk twerk twerk, do do do do When Miley was 14 15 16, we thought we knew her But now Miley is icky, yicky, sticky, geez what happened to her Now it's Miley the sequel, she wants us to see Miley's spread-eagled, yeah she's every parent's dream (please stop her) Miley it's legal, but not a great idea No more Disney distribution Has she got rabies, she's foaming at the mouth She's going crazy, stickin' her tongue way out Givin' herself the finger, oh her folks must be so proud Whoa, things have changed in Montana Oh dammit, Miley that's feeble, don't you see You're just after attention, yeah that's what attention-whore means (just stop it) Miley it's legal, but your future kids are gonna see Thanks to Disney distribution Doin' the bone dance (with a big foam finger...) Doin' the bone dance (someone change the channel...) Doin' the bone dance (I can't stop watching...) Doin' the bone dance (I miss Kanye and Taylor...) Doin' the bone dance (don't tell her dad...) Doin' the bone dance (her achy breaky dad...) Copyright 2013 Steve Goodie WHAT'S IN MY HOTDOG - LIVE No one seems to know, no one seems to know, no one seems to want to know... But I want to know, I got to know, oh I need to know... what's in my hotdog What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one seems to know What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one seems to know There's earlobes eyelids, elbows and fingertips Dog nose, pig glands, frog bits, and chicken lips Hog butts, peanuts, cow guts, brains... Toe jam, turkey spam, vericose veins What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one seems to know What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one seems to know There's moose colon, horse bladder, anything that makes a splatter Half ton of puppy tongues, bucketful of camel lungs Big hairy goat tails, dirty donkey toenails Stuffed into an fabulous, edibile, delectable, deep-fried, something died... Intestinal shell... Intestinal shell... Now I know... What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog I was better off not knowing Now chunks I will be blowing And cookies I'll be throwing My insides will be showing I guess I really didn't need to know... What's in my hotdog What's in my hotdog What's in my hotdog I think I got a fever I'm feeling kind of strange My head feels like a whoopie cushion My hands are a little clammy I really want to die Maybe we should take you to the hotdog factory... You'd be the secret ingredient... Yeah! Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie and Aaron Ratiere I JUST THREW UP I got on the bus today Starting the third grade Found a seat and we drove away As my mom waved goodbye But I'm back home in two shakes Never made it to school today Mom says whatcha doing home so early And I look in her eyes I just threw up on the bus Breakfast came back in a rush I blew up so fast and furious And I don't think I'm done So Mom made me some chicken soup One spoonful and I had to poop Nearly made it to the john but oops Heads and tails this time I just threw up all my guts And filled up my pants simultaneous The chunks were just humongous Still I don't think I'm done I just threw up I don't wanna be someone who hurls away so easily I want to eat and keep it down without a big display My stomach hurts and turns a lot you'd think by now I'd Sure be off the pot, NOT, please let it stop I pray From both ends my belly sends a stream of discontent It never ends it never mends and man it burns What did I eat, week-old meat, omg, please kill me I wish I'd had some vegetables and said I'm full, where's the c an I just threw up a rhinoceros And all that gross stuff I discussed Just keeps coming up and though I flushed I don't think I'm done, don't think I'm done I just threw up bile and pus [oh my god, so much pus] God knows I've done enough [I'm not done, just begun] I've got a lot to chuck [I'm a mess, I'm unplugged] It's like giving birth here [giving birth here] I just threw up on the bus Then all over Mom's new rug And I had to clean it up But I don't think I'm done Copyright 2014 Steve Goodie LOOKIN' OUT MY BACK DOOR Just got home from Taco Bell, unlock the front door, oh hell Got to sit down, get relief on the throne Ate two great big chalupas, now I'm full of poop-ahs And there's doo doo doo, pokin' out my back door I can't get my front door open, my stupid key is broken Gotta make it to the crapper, please somebody let me in Them tacos I was hoggin', now I'm doing some prairie-doggin' And there's doo doo doo, lookin' out my back door � Chorizo seems so innocent, but it's started to expand Won't be denied, gotta get inside the loo, and make doo doo In my sad condition, must assume the position And there's doo doo doo, pokin' out my back door � Refried beans make excrement, 'specially when they're canned And my insides are at high-tide it's true, doo doo doo With or without permission, there's gonna be a big emission And there's doo doo doo, pokin' out my back door � My sphincter's ready to deploy, I'm backed up like an altar boy And it's a damn emergency, gotta get into the john It's fiber one tomorrow, today I'm Kilimanjaro And there's doo doo doo, blowin' out my back door Copyright 2014 Steve Goodie and Stephanie Woods |
This is a CD of previously-released songs, whose lyrics can be found on earlier CDs. |
I DRINK WELL WITH OTHERS Can't do my laundry, can't change a tire Can't boil water, without setting the house on fire Can't get me no job, with a blank resume But I've got a way wicked talent, nobody can take it away I drink well with others, that's my social skill I like sippers and chuggers, and hillbillies with stills I'm the life of the party, so let's kill a few beers I drink well with others, and all my friends are right here Don't floss or brush, I got horrible breath When I talk to my houseplants, they die a horrible death I drive an old Pinto, it cost me three hundred beans It drinks lots of gas, and it don't go so fast, hey it's just like me Cause I drink well with others, I'm making my mark I'm a real wild turkey, when I captain the Cutty Sark I like running my mouth, while I'm running my tab And I'll drink well with others, till they send my butt to rehab Jimi liked whiskey, Janis liked wine Hemingway stayed drunk all day And they all did just fine (�cept for being dead and all) I drink well with others, that's my social skill I like sippers and chuggers, and hillbillies with stills The party ain't over, till we run out of beer I drink well with others, �specially drunken single mothers I drink well with others, and all my friends are right here Copyright 2013 Steve Goodie and John Trentes THE SANDWICH SONG SINGALONG BR>Here we are at my favorite place! Oh boy! Oh boy! Where they make sandwiches as you order them! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!! It's the sandwich song sing-along, sandwiches for everyone The hardest part of making it's deciding on ingredients I wish I could make up my mind Yeah, hurry up... I'm hungry! C'mon! But they got black or wheat or rye or pumpernickel Whole wheat, half wheat, 12-grain, or pumpernickel Italian, french loaf, gluten-free pumpernickel Crust on, crust off, crust on, crust off the sandwich It's the sandwich song sing-along, sandwiches for everyone The hardest part of making it's deciding on ingredients I wish I could make up my mind Just order something! But I want brown mustard, yellow mustard, ranch, oil and vinegar Two kinds of mayonnaise, olives and banana peppers Peanut butter, cucumbers, pickles, and brussel sprouts Brussel sprouts??!! Yeah baby!! Crust on, crust off, crust on, crust off the sandwich It's the sandwich song sing-along, sandwiches for everyone The hardest part of making it's deciding on ingredients I wish I could make up my mind Ohhhhh.... look at all the cheese!!! Mmmmmmmm... I like Swiss cheese, provolone, pepper jack, American! Mozzarella, sharp chedda, gotta gotta have ricotta String cheese, yes please, melt a little gouda.... gouda.... Crust on, crust off, crust on, crust off the sandwich It's the sandwich song sing-along, sandwiches for everyone The hardest part of making it's deciding on ingredients I wish I could make up my mind You know, you are really, really, really, really irritating Hey, what about MEAT? Uh, I'm a vegetarian Oh... too bad They got turkey, ham, meatballs, bologna, salami Roast beef, tuna fish, chicken and pastrami Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon And for people like you... try the teriyaki tofu Crust on, crust off, crust on, crust off the sandwich It's the sandwich song sing-along, sandwiches for everyone The hardest part of making it's deciding on ingredients I wish I could make up my mind Hey, did you bring any money? Uh... I got fifty cents... Aw, let's go get a gas station corn dog Okay Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie and Aaron Raitiere THIS YEAR I'M PULLING CHRISTMAS... It's the night before Christmas, ho ho ho I guess The kids are asleep, and I'm stuck with this mess Still got presents to buy, and more presents to wrap Got sucked in again and I'm sick of this crap I'm all out of money, I'm all out of time I'm sick of sweet children who still believe I'm Just a money tree Santa, a fat credit card You all can shove Christmas... and shove it real hard I got a nice bag of rocks for Jimmy Got a big box of hair for Sue Mommy's getting altoids, I'm all out of cash This year I'm pulling Christmas out of my ass Got a huge pile of coal for Timmy Got a nice bag of worms for Jane My ex will get a check, and what's left has to last This year I'm pulling Christmas out of my ass The tree is a a big bunch of coathangers Draped on a lamp in the den The stockings are socks, and they haven't been washed Since Christmas of I don't know when Got a big bag of dirt for mean old Aunt Betty And two bullets for poor Uncle Saul We all hope that poor bastard gets some peace at last This year I'm pulling Christmas out of my ass Got a handful of bugs for my cousin And a boxful of nails, two cents for a dozen Everyone's getting some poison for rats This year I'm pulling Christmas out of my ass The angel on top of the coathangers Is a Ken doll in Barbie's sundress Is he getting some weird Mattel abortion Hard to say, but hey, I think I digress Got a whole bunch of condoms for Alice And some herpes cream for her boyfriend I'm trying to help his nasty old rash This year I'm pulling Christmas out of my ass Got a nipple ring for Great-Great-Grandpa To match the one in his ding dong And a baggie for when his kidney stones pass This year I'm pulling Christmas [sing it Grandpa!] out of my ass You'll get a pound of red ants, imported from France This year I'm pulling Christmas out of my ass Hey, hey! Who wants a garage-sale Billy Bass This year I'm pulling Christmas out of my ass You can tell Tiny Tim, Scrooge won at last This year I'm pulling Christmas out of my Ass Copyright 2012 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard BETTY RUBBLE remix 2012 A parody of "Rebel Rebel" as performed by David Bowie Yabba dabba doo! You love Natasha, she rules your world You love Dot Warner and the Powerpuff Girls Hey Jane, Mrs. Jetson's all right Hey Jane, daughter Judy's tight Rogue and Storm, they're all wrong Only one toon can turn me on Betty Rubble, you torn your dress Betty Rubble, yes yes yes yes Betty Rubble, billion years ago Hot damn, I love you so Fred, I gotta tell you... my wife's a piece of ass! Oh, you're telling me, Barney! Yabba dabba doo! What's with Barney, come on girl You can do better, Betty, that's for sure Hey babe, he's three foot two Hey babe, he's got a twenty IQ Leave that clown, he's all wrong He's not worthy of your loincloth thong Betty Rubble, you torn your dress Betty Rubble, your cave is the best (If you know what I mean) Barney Rubble billion years ago Hot damn, I love you so I've often pounded one out to the thought of your wife, Barney. Oh yeah, no surprise here! You torn your dress, I gotta confess When you do that little giggle I just ogle your chest You're prehistoric and you're on fire You got those long legs and a miniskirt You got no Wilma pearl necklace, and you don't got no shoes But I love your dress Oh, Barney doesn't like that... You jurassic temptress Smackin' that ass, smackin' that ass... And how could you know I'm on it! That they'd cast Rosie-O (in the movie) Hey why'd she wanna go, defiling your style Uh uh uh uh, you're no lesbo Not that there's anything wrong with that What'd she do to you, she must weigh three hundred two We are not impressed Who let the dogs out? Man her face is a mess Ooo ooo, no no no no I've had it up to here with you, Betty! When I meet the Flintstones Keep that bitch locked up! We'll have a gay old time We'll have a gay old time Betty!!! Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, Burpo, and David Bowie ASCAP OUT IN THE BACKYARD So I'm out in the backyard, burying my girlfriend On a moonlit night I'm out in the backyard, burying my girlfriend When I come across my wife And I realize I'd buried her in the same spot What a silly thing to have forgot So there I am with both of them, a freakin' shovel in my hand And it just got awkward Cause it's like I've just been caught cheating Like I've betrayed the only two women I ever loved I cherished them both, obviously, more than life itself So I'm out in the backyard, burying my girlfriend And it just got awkward Well I figure since we're all here, might as well clear the air On this moonlit night So I sit them both down and say, I need to come clean cause hey This shit ain't right You each have a special place in my heart You each deserve a special place in the yard So I propose to you both, a special hole to decompose Cause otherwise it's awkward Cause it's like I've just been caught cheating Like I've betrayed the only two women I ever loved I cherished you both, obviously, more than life itself So I'm out in the backyard, burying my girlfriend And it just got awkward Maybe I should mention That you're both lying, cheating, back-stabbing, gold-digging, bridge-b urning, buttheaded, fuck-witted, bat-shit-crazy whore-bag... skanks So if I just dump you both in the same unmarked hole Maybe you should just lie there and say thanks Have I gone too far here? Dang, now I feel bad... Cause it's like I've just been caught cheating Like I've betrayed the only two women I ever loved I cherished you both, obviously, more than life itself So I'm out in the backyard, burying my girlfriend And it just got awkward And it just got awkward And it just got awkward Copyright 2012 Steve Goodie SHALL WE SLAP A SLUT Shall we slap a slut for speaking Cause Rush is right, and Rush is good Shall we spank a skank for speaking Cause a fat douche says we should There's a woman with the nerve to tell her insurer Who she pays every month, to cover all of her And there's a syndicated nut, who talks out of his butt Doesn't care what she actually said, she's obviously a slut Oh, shall we smack a slut for thinking Cause Rush is smart, and oh so wise Shall we spank a skank for thinking Cause an asshole says, �seriously, you guys� The male republicans way up in Washington Had a hearing about women's health without woman one With the power to decide what insurers must provide When a skirt wanted a word, no! you're unqualified Oh, shall we slam a skirt for speaking Cause she has no penis, and that's just no good Shall we slam a skirt for speaking Cause a nut bag says we should So the democrats convened a special hearing thing To see if she's a whore or a coherent human being She told the congress guys, girls have special parts inside And for healthy ladies and babies you need more than spermicide Duh, shall we trash a tramp for talking Cause Rush is righteous, and over-fed Shall we trash a tramp for talking Cause Oxycodone Boy says go ahead Rush, there's more to female contraceptives than a knee-jerk ass-clown like you might imagine. A woman has to take these pills every day, in order to �control birth� in the event she has sex. And these pills cost quite a bit more than the condom you've had in your wallet since 1979. Also, �the pill� is used to prevent and treat endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, polycystic ovary syndrome, and anemia. It's actually medicine, Rush... I wish your mom had had a little medicine back in 1950. Oh, shall we hang a whore for breathing Cause Rush is godly, and Rush knows all Shall we hang a whore for breathing Damn, that guy is a... a... big fat bitch It's really a no-brainer, even you could grasp it, Rush Free pills mean fewer pregnancies that are not on purpose Which will save a ton of money We'll have fewer crack babies and fewer orphan-ouges But that don't matter to you, you big bag of douches Oh, shall we smack a slut for speaking Cause Rush is god, and he's goddamned good Shall we smack a slut for speaking Cause a douche bag says we should Oh I'm a psychopath and I'm okay I don't need facts, I just spew all day Al Franken called me a big fat idiot But he don't know the half of it War on women, boys! Copyright 2012 Steve Goodie THE PAT BENATAR HAIR-LOSS MEDLEY Well you were real good-looking when you were 23 With a full head of hair, well that's history Cause you're, middle-aged, what's happening to it It goes down the drain, when you shampoo it Admit you've got a bald spot Oh just admit you've got a bald spot Admit you've got a bald spot Buy a toupee Come on with the lotions, that you rub in there They smell real weird and they don't grow hair Your nose is sprouting and your ears are insane But it's never coming out on top again Admit you've got a bald spot Oh just admit you've got a bald spot Admit you've got a bald spot Buy a toupee That's a combover You chrome-domer You poser, think no one'll ever see That's a combover It's not kosher Northern exposure, better get some sunscreen That's a combover Took a bulldozer Pushed some hair over, you sexy old thing That's a combover When you get sober Game over, comb-over Hair is for hair Hair is for hair Hair is for hair Hair is for children Hair is for hair Hair is for hair Hair is for hair Hair is for children Copyright 2012 Steve Goodie NOBODY TO VOTE A parody of "Somebody To Love" as performed by Darby Slick When the truth is spun, and the facts get blurred And they change the voting laws, and make it harder for us to make our v oices heard They don't want nobody to vote They don't need nobody to vote They get what they want when nobody votes You better get your butt out to vote When these guys want power, they want you to stay home in bed, yes and Most of the names at the polls, are already dead They don't want nobody to vote They don't need nobody to vote They get what they want when nobody votes You better get your butt out to vote Your eyes can see, your mind can think just fine Yes but in their heads, baby, all they see is lots of dollar signs They don't want nobody to vote They don't need nobody to vote They get what they want when nobody votes So you better get your butt out to vote For years they been running, each thinks he's the best Are they your friends, baby, or just part of the mess They don't want nobody to vote They don't need nobody to vote They get what they want when nobody votes You better get your butt out to vote Copyright 2012 Steve Goodie BEFORE HE SPEAKS A parody of "Before He Cheats" as performed by Carrie Underwood Right now, the candidate alienates forty-seven out of every hundred Americans Right now, the candidate reiterates to the nation �corporations are people, my friend� Right now, the millionaire is wondering why 747s don't have power windows that roll down What a rich ass-clown Cause every time he opens his great big mouth All his poll numbers go further south He's just trying to please the conservative elite He used to give all the billionaires a real good laugh But now every quote is a middle-class gaffe Maybe next time he'll think before he speaks Right now, the middle-east is brewing and all this guy is doing is wishing he was Mexican Right now, Barack's feeling cocky, hell, he could be Iraqi and still get elected again Right now, Mitt's rebooting, yeah he's redistributin', dude, what the fuck ya doing That's your foot you're shootin' When this lily-white dunce takes the campaign stump With all the wit and eloquence of Donald J. Trump He's a one-man, self-made, walking, talking Wiki-leaks His breath must reek of Dr. Scholl With both feet crammed into his big pie hole Maybe next time he'll think before he speaks He likes pretty dancing horses and fancy golf courses Next year when he speaks, God I hope he don't speak for me He'd be a totally excellent commander in chief Blowing up anyone who's on relief All the welfare mothers sucking on the government teats But then his mama told the camera that Mitt's own dad Took government handouts, ooo, bad, Mitt, bad He better visit planet earth in the next few weeks Yeah yeah, maybe next time he'll think before he speaks Copyright 2012 Steve Goodie ROMNEY CAN YOU HEAR ME A parody of "Tommy Can You Hear Me" as performed by The Who Romney can you hear me, can you solve my problems Romney can you see me, no your head's way up your bottom Ooo Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney Romney you're a rich boy, don't pay a lot of taxes Romney you don't care �bout, the middle and lower classes Ooo Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney Romney are you kidding, saying businesses are people Romney whatcha thinking, your evasions are so feeble Ooo Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney... Copyright 2012 Steve Goodie HEY FRED PHELPS Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself And that F stands for fuck One day I was bored so I google searched The goddamn Westboro Baptist Church Bunch of loons out in Topeka They're happy 'bout a shooting in a Colorado theater Cause they like it when some strangers die Like to go to funerals with big old signs To tell the parents of dead little kids It's a good thing what this shooter did Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself And that F stands for fuck Cause God hates fags, God hates dykes God hates Arabs and Israelites God hates firemen, God hates teachers God hates all his living creatures God hates comics, God hates musicians God hates cardio-vascular physicians God hates Muslims, and Hindus too God hates me and God hates you Jesus hates me this I know Cause a douche-bag tells me so And there's a special place in hell For that flock of fuckers, that family Phelps Cause God hates soldiers, God hates cops He hates Navy Seals and Special Ops God hates Swedes and God hates Australians That's why he made tsunamis and 9/11 God hates dentists, God hates lawyers Well, okay, eveyone hates dentists and lawyers God hates GaGa, God hates Bieber And he really, really, really hates little kids in movie theaters Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself And that F stands for fuck you, you fucking fucked up fuck Jesus loves Fred, this I know Ask him and he'll tell you so Let's all text and tweet the Phelps Tell them all to fuck themselves Yes, tweet and text them Yes, tweet and text them Yes, tweet and text them They must fuck themselves I need to look it up in Deuteronomy If you fuck yourself, is that sodomy Fred, one little thing you have forgotten Your imaginary friend loves everyone Copyright 2012 Steve Goodie |
IF YOU WANT TO SAY FUCK SAY FUCK A parody of "If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out" as performed by Cat Stevens Well, if you want to say damn, say damn And if you want to say hell, say hell Cause if you say darn or H.E. Double-Hockey-Sticks or dang It means the same thang (and we know what you're thinking, shithead) And if you want to say goddammit, say goddammit (goddammit) And if you want to say motherfucker, say motherfucker (motherfucker) Cause if you say doggonnit or dagnabbit or mary mother of god You know what you are (you're a dork, at best, or a damn hypocrite, at worst) You can censor yourself And think you won't go to hell But if intent is a sin You're fucked before you begin You're going down anyway You may as well mean what you say Straight down, it's the thought That's what counts, dude you're caught It's all mind control Well if you want to say fuck, say fuck And if you want to say cunt, say cunt You're free to say what you want So don't be a... p-p-p--- birth canal (they actually call it that!) If you want to say poop, say poop But if you want to say shit, say shit You'll offend someone irregardless You know that you will (with your pathetic stupid grammar, if nothing else) We can say what we want That's why we live in this cunt-try You're offended by this song (I can tell) But hey you've listened this long And for that you're going to hell Is that brimstone I smell Oh geez, ah ah ah It's all hooey, ah ah ah Go back to playing farmville (you braindead waste of millions of years of evolution) If you want to say goddam motherfucking shit on a stick Then say goddam motherfucking shit on a stick You'll feel better if you just do it You know that you will You know that you will You're going to hell You know that you will Go to hell So you might as well Say what you fucking mean Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie WHAT'S IN MY HOTDOG? No one seems to know, no one seems to know, no one seems to want to know... But I want to know, I got to know, oh I need to know... what's in my hotdog What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one wants to know There's earlobes eyelids, elbows and fingertips Dog nose, pig glands, frog bits, and chicken lips Hog butts, peanuts, cow guts, brains... Toe jam, turkey spam, vericose veins What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one wants to know What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog No one wants to know There's moose colon, horse bladder, anything that makes a splatter Half ton of puppy tongues, bucketful of camel lungs Big hairy goat tails, dirty donkey toenails Stuffed into an fabulous, edibile, delectable, deep-fried, something died... intestinal shell... Intestinal shell... Now I know... What's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog, what's in my hotdog I was better off not knowing Now chunks I will be blowing And cookies I'll be throwing My insides will be showing I guess I really didn't need to know... What's in my hotdog What's in my hotdog What's in my hotdog I think I got a fever I'm feeling kind of strange My head feels like a whoopie cushion My hands are a little clammy I really want to die Uh, maybe we should take you to the hotdog factory... You could be the secret ingredient... Yeah! Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie and Aaron Raitiere BEFORE HE TWEETS A parody of "Before He Cheats" as sung by Carrie Underwood, written by Josh Kear and Chris Tompkins Right now, the congressman is sending out some pics to some chicks, but there's collateral damage Right now, constituents are seeing all his sweet little tweets about his stimulus package Right now, he's going deep on the issues with a fine citizen who just happens to shoot porno Like we don't know But now it's looking like Weiner might get the shaft He's been taking it hard, but the press just laughed Right-wingers, tea-baggers, and the liberal elites They say the beltway bugger got his ego stroked If you friend him on Facebook you might get poked Maybe next time he'll think before he tweets Right now, the whole world is trick-or-tweeting screen grabs of some abs and a tumescent Weiner Right now, he's probably texting that he wants to pat you down like a TSA screener Right now, he says he's never seen 'er, and there ain't no misdemeanor 'cause he didn't Charlie Sheen 'er But now he's gonna come clean (-er) 'Cause he wants to hold your congressional seat He's the other white meat, the kind that can't be beat It's a 21st century Lewinsky legacy He keeps his budgetary tool there in his lap He's ready to bridge your partisan gap Maybe next time he'll think before he tweets Was she a campaign donor, a Seattle Washington-er Seems when he tried to phone 'er, he said, hi, this is John... Boehner (wait wait, don't hang up... hold on... wait! Operator, can you reconnect me... fast! Operator! Hello! Dammit! Hello? God, I was so close! Crap! Come on! Hello?) He'd be a totally rock-solid New York mayor Reaching out to touch, every tax-payer If he can keep it up, between heartfelt apologies Until then he's just hoping they don't indict That'd suck, that'd blow, that'd totally bite Oh, maybe next time he'll think and hit delete, yeah yeah Maybe next time he'll think before he tweets Blah blah blah blah, OMG, what an idiot Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie and M. Spaff Sumsion YOU RICH MOTHERFUCKERS Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers You don't give a shit about me If you've got a billion dollars Then you've got more than you need With all that clout you're not thinking about A million babies you could feed If you've got a billion dollars You got it off of somebody else But you don't care, you think it's quite fair To keep it all to yourself Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers You don't give a shit about me... or anybody Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers You don't give a shit about me And speaking of babies... Hey old man in the vatican Have you heard we're pushing seven billion But you keep telling everybody it's a sin To use any kind of protection Now the babies are starving and they keep on coming And coming and coming and coming and coming And all this over-population Turns out it's tied to copulation We've been fruitful and multiplied That's one commandment we've satisfied You decided that meat on Friday is fine Can I get a condom, can you change your mind And while you're helping stem the tide Could we get a little bit of spermicide Or if that's too much, could you at least Quit covering up for your perverted priests Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers You don't give a shit about me... or anybody Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers You don't give a shit about me Now back to the rich and the money they're hoardin' They couldn't care less what we can't afford, un- Less they can buy the latest jet They think they just haven't quite made it yet And they call me socialist they call me queer They say I just don't belong around here And that's expected, I'm not surprised But I just can't believe all the support for these guys Millions and millions of average kids Say it's un-American to tax these pigs They think someday they might be that fat They want to protect the money they plan to grab Well news-flash kids, you'll never get that much They guys with the bucks won't give it up And you're helping the jerks who are holding you down And they'll sell you out, cause you don't count Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers You don't give a shit about me... or anybody Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers You don't give a shit about me Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie SO WEIRD Most of your girlfriends have a man with a normal career, or a job And most of your girlfriends have a man who would never even think of shooting a video in a cemetery, like I did I don't know why I'm so weird, baby Most of your girlfriends have a house that's the same color outside all the way �round outside And most of your girlfriends have a man who doesn't look at the riding mower as a viable alternate source of transportation Oh, I'm sorry I'm so weird, baby Last week, I was up on the roof at 6 am Making another dumb youtube God I'm weird! Most of your girlfriends have a house that doesn't even faintly resemble a barn And most of your girlfriends have furniture that matches and doesn't fall apart when the wind blows the wrong direction Oh, I don't know why I'm so weird, baby I'm so weird And the whole world can see me on the internet Wearing overalls and a wedding dress at the same time That's pretty weird Oh, I'm sorry I'm so weird, baby Yeah, I don't know why I'm so weird Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie PLUMBING It's dripping It's leaking Can't afford the plumber to come out here in his truck And tell me all the stupid things I've done With his router and his wrenches and his calculator I better try to get it fixed on my own It's dripping It's leaking I hate plumbing I can't... quite... reach it... DAMMIT! There's something in the drain or in the line out to the sewer This crap is coming back and now the place smells like manure So I'm gouging and I'm plunging like a real man's gotta And I'm taking a bath in nasty black water Oh, it's nasty! It's dripping It's leaking I hate plumbing I can't... quite... seal it... DAMMIT! My wife likes to watch as I struggle and I swear She says I look cute with all the gunk in my hair Now here come the kids to ask a lot of questions I can barely contain all the cursing I'm repressing No, Daddy don't need help Yes, Daddy can fix it No, Daddy isn't mad Yes, Daddy can handle it It's dripping It's leaking It's pouring down on me I hate plumbing I hate plumbing I hate plumbing! Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie WHAT DO YOU GET THE GIRL WHO HAS EVERYTHING? What do you get the girl who has everything She's been around the world, there's nothing she hasn't seen She's got all kinds of rings, from all kinds of flings What do you get the girl who has everything She's got chlamydia, she's got crabs She's got scabs on the scabs... on her scabs She's all sore, 'bout the sore, on her lip....s She's got five or six simplex-es-es-es And Valentine's day is just around the corner I need the perfect gift, just what the doctor ordered What do you get the girl who has everything A penicillin sampler, some syringes and vaccines Cause I'm afaid that when she pees I might feel a little sting What do you get the girl who has everything Her mono became stereo and then quad and five-point-one I tried to make her smile with some Azithromycin That gal-o-mine, needs some calamine, and I'm glad to foot the bill Money can't buy love, but it buys lots and lots of pills What do you get the girl who has everything A vat of boiling water, some ointment and saline I know I shouldn't go there, but I'm riding on a shwing What do you get the girl who has everything She's got two or three quarts, of liquified warts What do you get the girl who has everything She's been around the world, and I like sloppy seventeenths What do you get the girl who has everything I mean everything What do you get the girl who has everything, Jack Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie and Rob Wolf GETTING OLD Why did I come in here, I really can't recall I'm in the kitchen, in my boxers, and I got no clue at all My glasses have gone AWOL, I don't stand a snowball's chance Cause without them I can't find them, or my car keys, or my pants This getting old, is getting old These senior years ain't what I'd call gold Out to pasture, past my prime Sidelined, before my time This getting old, is getting old I never noticed my joints, till they all started aching My old tackle box is full, of all the pills I'm taking I'd like to cap the genius, who invented child-proof caps I used to have a future, hell I used to have some pants This getting old, is getting old My wife and I don't talk, we yell, our hearing aids don't work so well When she starts nagging me I take out the battery This getting old, is getting old Every cop and doctor is less than half my age My boss just finished high school, and he just started to shave Our kids never visit, grandkids never write us They're texting and they're tweeting, but we've got the arthurit-is I can't touch my toes, hell I can't see my toes My head of hair's beyond repair, and it's coming out my nose It's all downhill from here, straight into the hole Without my pills I get the shakes, without my pants I'm getting cold This getting old, is getting old We can live without our marbles, but not the remote control Hate to think what might await us now Mr. Johnson's on hiatus (ow) This getting old, is getting old Oh how I miss... the... pants Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard RESOLUTION A parody of "Revolution" as performed by The Beatles All right, this year I swear I'm gonna quit smoking, quit drinking, and start freakin exercising! You say you've made a resolution, well you know We all want to lose some weight At fat camp you're an institution, well you know We all know you'll clean your plate When there's a box of jelly donuts You won't be going for the alfalfa sprouts Don't you know it's New Year's Eve, tonight Someone brought some Krispy Kremes, all right Willpower's gonna leave, at midnight You need a liver substitution, well you know I'm still using mine right now O'Doul's might be a good solution, well you know You won't get drunk, but you might drown And even your sponsor, down at the local AA He bet fifty bucks you'll be plastered on New Year's Day Don't you know it's New Year's Eve, tonight Someone brought some Irish Creme, all right Moral fiber's gonna leave, at midnight You know I don't want to be in bad taste or speak out of turn or anything, but I would rather see terminally ill, unable-to-function Dick Clark doing the countdown, than Carson freakin Daly, my God, I miss you Dick Clark!� You put the stroke in the stroke of midnight, buddy! You're sucking down the air pollution, well you know Those filters don't do crap They'll stunt you till you're Lilliputian, well you know Soon you'll be breathing through a flap (in your freakin neck... have you ever seen Beetlejuice?) Tonight you're quitting for sure, and you swear you're done Tomorrow you're wheezing and hacking and yakking up lungs Don't you know it's New Year's Eve, tonight Have a hit of Ecstasy, all right Intestinal fortitude's gonna leave, at midnight All right, tonight, get tight, here's a light Can't quite, get it right, despite, what your drunken sponsor says, Who do you think you're kidding? All right! Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard MY FACE The world is full of idiots, you must agree So glad I'm not one of them, oh no not me You spent three years on your page Pimping out a sweet myspace And you just can't face Letting all that work go to waste It's got every song you ever wrote Every jpeg and stupid viral joke You just keep on denyin' But myspace died in 2009 Now I'm on facebook and you can't stand How the whole damn world is my new best friend No one comes to your pimped-out page But they're all over me, all night and day Everything gets obsolete, everything No exceptions, you're not that special, see I'm on facebook You're on myspace Let's get together And get on my face Erica posts: What would cause a recurring yeast infection? Cathey posts: If it's continuous, it's not totally healing. Would grooming cause it? I did douche the last two cycles and bam here I am.. again.. If you have not treated it, Walter could be passing it back to you. You should see a doctor. You can put plain unflavored yogurt on your vagina... Why you gotta go and publicize everything Way more than I ever really need to see I'm on facebook You're on myspace Let's get together And get on my face Everything gets obsolete, everything No exceptions, you're not that special, see I'm on facebook You're on myspace Let's get together And get on my face Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard MY PAL THE MURRAY A parody of "Albuquerque" as performed by "Weird Al" Yankovic Way back in 2008, before the economy collapsed and George Carlin died and Sarah Palin became a household word, I lived in a cute little gingerbread house right around the corner from the I Dream Of Weenie hotdog stand. You know the place. Well anyway, everything was swell, with my happy happy family in our gingerbread house, except for the undeniable fact that every single day, 24/7, I made a whole lot of noise playing the drums. Awww � loud freaking drums, every day and night... I was driving everyone crazy... So I got on Craigslist and I typed in �houses with recording studios inside them,� and would you believe it, I found about 150 of 'em. So I said to my sweet wife, how would you like to come househunting with me? And she said, �What??!! I can't hear you!!� I guess all the drumming had made her a little deaf. Well we took a snare drum and a drumstick and we went from house to house, and inside each house she beat on that snare drum as hard as she could, and if I could hear it outside, we went on to the next house. Until finally we found the perfect home, with finished pine floors and walls that were oh so sound-proof. And I asked the guy what he wanted for it, and he told me, and I said, �okay, but you have to throw in that Murray riding mower I see out back.� And he said, �sure!� Wocka wocka doo doo yeah! Well let me tell you people, that Murray riding mower was my dream come true, and it was about to become my new best friend. Back at the old house, I'd been mowing the lawn with a push mower, and that yard was huge, and I was always miserable. So it was amazing when I realized, after the home loan went through, that I now had a new special friend... My Pal The Murray (riding mower), My Pal The Murray (lawn tractor) See, I'd never even been on a riding mower before. And I gotta tell ya, it was really great. But here's the thing... the folks who were about to buy our old house, well, they were really excited to live there, and one day before that sale was final, I went by the old house to check the mail, and I found the new owners-to-be in the backyard planting geraniums. I didn't want to be a jerk, cause it's not like they were writing on the walls with poop or anything... but still, they didn't own the house yet. So I said, �hey, no big deal, but if you want to work in the yard, give me a call first, okay?� And they looked kinda embarrassed... you know why? I'll tell you why... Cause the sale hadn't closed, so technically they were trespassing No the sale hadn't closed, so technically they were trespassing No the sale hadn't closed, so technically they were trespassing Ah ha ha ha, how could that possibly come back and bite me on the butt? So I'm back at our new house, mowing the new lawn with my new best friend Murray. He's awesome! This new yard has no trees to get in my way, and the property goes all the way around the house, so I can mow in great big circles without stopping for branches or roots or delapidated flower-boxes or bikes or roadside trash or used hypodermic needles or big flaming bottles of psoriasis ointment or anything! A few weeks pass, and the old house is about to sell... the real estate people call it �closing.� You know, I don't know why they call it �closing.� Why can't they call it �selling� like any normal halfway intelligent English-speaking carbon-based life-form? Am I wrong here? Am I wrong? Anyway... then I realize I haven't mowed the lawn at the old house in nearly a month, and it's about to �close.� I think to myself, �I should mow that lawn for the new owners, cause I can't call and ask them to mow it, cause I chewed them out for planting flowers.� And then I think, �I don't have a way to transport Murray (the riding mower) eight miles from the new house to the old house.� And then it hits me... I could drive Murray to the old house! Yeah! Murray goes, what, like five miles an hour? So I should get there in under two hours, mow the lawn in like 45 minutes, and get home in another two hours. What a delightful way to spend a day. Sure beats working. So I get on mapquest and I plan my route, and I'm new to this part of town so I don't know all the back roads yet, so I get a hat and some sunglasses and a potted fern and some rechargeable batteries and my catcher's mitt and a bag of raisins and my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel and my cell phone... and finally I'm ready to go! Then I realize, I need to plan a gas stop on my route. I'd feel pretty stupid if I ran out of gas on a lawn mower. And AAA wouldn't help. You know what they'd say? They'd say... If you get yourself a car, we'd be glad to help you out But we can't send a towtruck out to fix a lawn mower If you get yourself a car, we'd be glad to help you out But we can't send a towtruck out to fix a lawn mower Even your Pal The Murray, your Pal The Murray So I make sure I'm gonna pass at least one gas station, and I grab my credit card and all that other stuff and at 8 am I hit the road. I'm rolling along, and since it's probably illegal to drive a lawn mower on public streets, I pretend I'm mowing each lawn I pass. I soon realize, however, that this mower really goes about 3 miles an hour, so this is going to be a longer excursion than I'd planned. No problem...a rockstar like me can take the whole day off if he wants. I make a wrong turn, I have to backtrack, and that costs me about a half an hour. Man, this thing is slow. And loud... I never realized before how loud this mower is. I get a call from my attorney, and stop the mower to talk to him about the closing coming up. Everything's fine, I'm still a bigshot, and I start the mower and I go on. I come to a busy street, and I take advantage of the sidewalk. I'm mowing the sidewalk, feeling good, and as I go along, a cement wall appears on my right. I've got a wall on my right, a curb and a busy street on my left... and suddenly I see, right in the middle of the sidewalk... a mailbox. Some jerk has planted a mailbox in the middle of the sidewalk, and I can't get around it. I have to back up a block, take Murray out in the street, and drive that block again. And now I notice I have an audience for this part... the cast of King Of The Hill is standing around, staring at me. Hey, don't any of you guys have a job to go to? Two hours in, I stop for gas. I whip out the credit card, put in two bucks' worth, and ignoring the laughter and cruel jokes from the other drivers around me, I head back out on the open road. You know, when you're only going 3 miles an hour on a really loud internal combustion vehicle and pretending to mow lawns, you notice some things that you might ordinarily overlook. Like how there are kids on schoolbuses in the middle of the day, and they are way way higher up than a shmuck on a lawnmower. And they're waving at me and making really unnecessarily rude gestures with their hands... little things like that. Speaking of school, my route takes me by our kids' school. I hope to God they're not looking out the windows as I roar by, 120 decibels at 3 miles an hour. I mean, that's just what I need. It's not bad enough that I've grossly underestimated the time-commitment involved in this stupid plan, or that I forgot to put on my Old Spice stick deodorant this morning, or that I have a tiny bit of mint dental floss stuck between my upper right molars which is driving me crazy, or that I just remembered that I have hay fever and even though I'm just pretending to mow all these lawns the pollen is way up in my cerebral cortex now, and all I can do is sneeze into the wind and pretend I have a handkerchief the size of a tablecloth at the Sizzler... now I gotta worry about the kids' friends tormenting them for years to come about their idiot parental unit who is driving by on a really loud lawn mower. In a stupid hat. I'm hot... I'm tired... I'm ready to mow the lawn at the old house and get done what I came to do. I'm getting closer... I can see the old place... it's right up there... oh man, there it is! And as I arrive, four hours after setting out, I see the new owner-to-be, and he's just finished mowing the lawn. And I said, �Whoa! What the? Are you kidding me?� And he said, �Uh... I guess I should have called you.� And your Pal The Murray, your Pal The Murray We both felt pretty stupid. We just stared at the newly cut grass... and at the two lawn mowers... and at the twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy photographs with the circles and arrows to be used as evidence against us... and at the two lawn mowers... I said, �I have to mow something. He said, �well, I haven't done that fenced area in the back yet.� I said, �Okay, I'll get that!� And I drove the mower over there, and I realized that Murray wouldn't fit through the gate. So I mowed that area with the push-mower. And I thought, I gotta mow something. So I took Murray over to a patch of grass by the alley, and little did I know that, sticking up from the ground through the long grass, was a steel rod. And I hit that steel rod, and the mower stopped. It died with a very unsatisfying crunch. I did get it started again, but the part of the mower that actually cuts grass was no longer working. Now I was driving a very loud go-cart. It was the Mr. Bean moment of my life. And I had a four-hour, really loud trip home ahead of me, another chance for the kids to see me driving a lawn-mower in front of their friends, more schoolbuses full of nasty staring monsters, and the very real possibility of getting lost or running out of gas, and that evil mailbox just waiting for me. Oh man... I hate it when I'm stupid... And now, years later, when I'm driving around with friends in the car, I show them the Route of Ultimate Stupidity. �You see that? There's where I pretended to mow that fat guy's lawn. There's where I had to go down that 45 mph curved stretch with no sidewalk, hoping not to get hit by a truck. There's that mailbox I wound up setting on fire. There's where I had heat stroke and threw a rod and accidentally put borscht in the gas tank.� But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is... I hate geraniums! That's all I'm really tryin' to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to be making some kind of exciting real estate deal, unloading a piece of crap gingerbread house to get a goofy-looking barn-type of a house with a recording studio in it so that you can play the drums all night long, just make sure that your new house is a sweet little home... a little place with a new friend that makes a lot of noise... Like my Pal The Murray, my Pal The Murray My Pal the Murray, Pal the Murray My Pal the Murray, Pal the Murray My Pal the Murray, Pal the Murray My Pal the Murray, Pal the Murray I said "P" (P) "A" (A) "L" (L) "the" (the) "Murray" (Murray) Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray Pal The Murray Heh heh, I play drums Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie DIRE STRAITS I blog everything I do When I fold my socks, and brush my teeth Guess I like the attention Makes me feel pretty neat I friend everyone on facebook They're all following my tweets And I wonder how the government Got all that intel on me Every cell phone is a camera Every friend is a spy Everywhere you go, anytime You've got an airtight alibi We friend everyone on facebook Hey everybody, read my tweets We're just helping our Big Brother Get all the intel he needs Copyright 2011 Steve Goodie |
DUMBLEDORE A parody of "Hardware Store" as performed by "Weird Al" Yankovic Nothing ever ever happens in this house Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Till an owl brought me the news It said I was already enrolled In a crazy magic school a thousand years old So my uncle I told, �I quit this household� And I laced up both my shoes But he said �you're not going anywhere You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair Your aunt and I, well, we really don't care If you rot away in your room� But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised 'Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom I can't wait, no I can't wait They say I'm gonna be a sorceror I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore On the train I met a guy named Ron A red-headed kid and we really got along Making stuff disappear with our magic wands It was really really really really really really great Then we met this girl, Hermione Who knew every spell there is from A to Z And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately Old Malfoy showed his face Mean kid who likes to make trouble When he spots anybody related to a muggle And he calls them names, so we're gonna burst his bubble Before this year is through Now the coach has started slowing down And I'm getting off the train and I'm looking all around And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown Can't believe it's coming true I can't wait, no I can't wait Hagrid open up that great big door I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor Would you look at all of Dumbledore's stuff... He's got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you're feeling doomed and Potions that'll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape's acidic sneer and Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters I can't wait, no I can't wait I'm gonna get that evil Voldemort I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Voldemort Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie MALFOY THE FLYING FERRET A parody of "Harvey The Wonder Hamster" as performed by "Weird Al" Yankovic Oh Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy the flying ferret He's not very nice but we keep him around Cause he makes a squish when he hits the ground Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy the flying ferret Hey Malfoy! Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP AVADA KEDAVRA A parody of "Hakuna Matata" by Elton John and Tim Rice Wormtail: Draco, at times like this, we Death Eaters say you must �Get Lord Voldemort's behind.� � Voldemort: No. No. No! � Wormtail: Sorry my lord... � Voldemort: Amateur! It's �Get behind Lord Voldemort.� Draco, a bad thing needs to happen, and it's up to you. � Draco: Uh... that's not what they teach us at Hogwarts. � Voldemort: Then maybe you need a new lesson.�Avada Kedavra! What a wonderful curse! Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! They don't get any worse! Voldemort: It means no Harry, better call him a hearse... Wormtail: Okay... he's a hearse! Voldemort and Wormtail: Ha! It's our trouble-free, artillery... Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Draco: Avada Kedavra? Wormtail: Yeah. It's our favorite hex! Draco: What's a hex? Voldemort: Geez kid, what the hex wrong with you? Ha ha ha! Wormtail: Ha ha ha! Good one, my lord. Draco, those two words will solve all your problems. Voldemort: That's right. Take Wormtail here... Why, when he was a young Hogwarts (student)... Wormtail: When I was a young Hogwarts (student). Voldemort: Very nice. Wormtail: Heh heh, Thank you. Voldemort: He found his persona lacked a certain appeal, he was teased and abused, till he squirmed and he squealed. Wormtail: I'm a sensitive soul, and I was so chagrined... that they put me in Gryffindor, and not Slytherin. And oh, the shame... Voldemort: He was ashamed. Wormtail: Such a lame nickname... Voldemort: Yeah, Wormtail's pretty lame. Wormtail: And I wanted to quit... Voldemort: How did ya feel? Wormtail: Well, I felt like... Voldemort: Hey! Wormy! Not in front of the kids! Wormtail: Oh. Sorry. Voldemort and Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! So nicely depraved! Avada Kedavra! Voldemort: Even though you don't shave (yet). Draco: It means no Harry, he'll go straight to the grave. Voldemort: Yeah, sing it kid! Voldemort and Draco: It's our recipe... Wormtail: For anarchy... All: Avada Kedavra! Voldemort: Welcome to the dark side. Draco: You're all killers? Voldemort: We kill whoever we want. Wormtail: Yup! Turn �em into rump roasts! Draco: That's beautiful! Wormtail: That Order of the Phoenix makes me so mad! Draco: I'm so angry I could kill a house-elf. Voldemort: Heh... we don't need a house-elf killed... yet. Draco: An owl? Voldemort: Nuh-uh. Draco: Harry Potter?! Voldemort: No, he's mine! Listen, if you're going be a Death Eater, you have to act like a Death Eater. And there's one fella that REALLY needs to... go away. Draco: Oooh, who's that? Voldemort: A certain headmaster... who did you think? Draco: Ohhhh... Wow... Voldemort: Oh yeah... I hope you're not chicken. Wormtail: Unforgivable, yet satisfying! Voldemort: This is a rare opportunity. Wormtail: Mmm hmmm... Voldemort: Mmmm... he'll die with a very pleasant crunch. Wormtail: You'll learn to love it! Voldemort: I'm tellin' you kid, this is the great life. No rules, no accountability... Heh heh, the little muggle kind. And best of all... we're all pureblood! Wormtail: Ahem... Voldemort: That is, except me. Well, kid? Draco: Oh well... Wormtail: Hey! Don't point that at me! Draco: Avada Kedavra... Wormtail: (dying) Aaagh! Draco: (laughing) Unforgivable, yet satisfying. Voldemort: That's it! Draco and Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada -- Draco: It means no Wormy, and Dumbledore's in his grave. All: Love to hear them scream, in that flash of green... Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Voldemort and Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Draco: Avada Kedavra! Ooo ooo ooo... Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Ha ha ha ha! Voldemort: That's right... It's the circle of death... Wormtail: My hand hurts... Voldemort: Be prepared... Can you feel the death tonight? Draco: Ooo ooo ooo... Voldemort: I just can't wait to be king! Draco: Avada Kedavra... Voldemort: King... King Voldemort... that's, that's me... King Voldemort! Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie and Jace McLain ASCAP HARRY SINGS HIS TRAGEDY A parody of "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" as performed by Panic At The Disco This just in... the Dark Mark was spotted above Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry just after midnight tonight... this is the traditional signature of murder by the Death Eaters... the followers of You Know Who... Oh, well I'm frozen Watching Draco abusing poor old Dumbledore And I cannot do a thing And I can't believe my ears, oh how could it be worse What a horrible ending What's Dumbledore thinking, we knew Draco was a traitor Just like his buddy Snape Yeah that doublecrosser works for Volde -- shhhh... I'm frozen, thinking �How could you go let yourself be murdered,� now you've frozen me Dumbledore No, Snape's no better than Peter Pettigrew, shoulda gotten fired not promoted, he's Slytherin Haven't you people ever heard he's, working for Voldemort? No, he's much better at evil kinds of things, have you lost your senses? Oh, looking back Dumbledore's been looking for horcruxes And recklessly depending on Snape Now it's all so, bloody awful Got himself in a bad scrape Oh, watch your back If Draco can't liquidate you I mean technically it's gotta be Snape, right? Made that unbreakable vow, got your jugular vein Now his job's down the drain Harry! What happened? I watched the whole thing. I couldn't move because Dumbledore froze me. I was right about Draco all along. Voldemort ordered him to get Dumbledore. And he did? I can't believe it! I'm frozen, thinking Everybody's always been sure that, Snape's working for Dumbledore No, he's no better than Narcissa and Bellatrix, shoulda gotten clobbered at the ministry He's Slytherin Haven't you people ever heard there's, Death-Eaters at the door? No, Malfoy's destroying everything, where's your defenses? Tom's got seven personalities, oh yeah I'm frozen, thinking �How could you go let yourself be murdered,� Snape's after you Dumbledore No, maybe he planned the whole thing weeks ago, maybe he's really in the Order It's confusing Maybe he's evil maybe he's not, is he working for Voldemort? Dunno, don't know how to face this kind of thing, look in the Pensieve... Tom wants immortality, oh yeah Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie A DAY IN THE LIFE OF HARRY A parody of "A Day In The Life" as performed by The Beatles I read the news today, oh boy 'Bout how the headmaster he got betrayed Just can't believe Snape's quite that bad Thought he was on the righteous path Hey, he was on the Hogwarts staff He blew his boss up with a wand He'd made a vow to Malfoy and Lestrange That's pronounced, "La-strawnge" Vowed to cover Draco's derriere So he whacked old Dumbledore Though nobody is really sure we'll never see his face no more They've stretched the films to eight, oh boy Though the books are great, I find the films okay If I were smart I'd turn away But I just have to look Having read the books I can't believe... he's... gone... This just in... shortly past midnight last night, Hogwarts headmaster Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore was... ...was done in by Severus Snape, using the forbidden Avada Kedavra curse. More information as it comes in. Well obviously there will be more information as it comes in. We can't very well dispense information before it comes in, can we? Yes, of course Veronica, that's just something we say, isn't it, to sign off? Oh for heaven's sake! Can't we think of something a bit more clever than that? I mean really! Oh, good Lord Veronica, do you have to make an issue out of everything I say? So this is my fault is it? Woke up, got out of bed Felt the scar across my head Found my way downstairs where the floating cups Had been conjured up to hit the Dursleys in the face (ha ha ha ha) Found my wand and grabbed my broom Felt my wizard life resume But the whole thing just went up in smoke I'm under my cloak and I just want to scream Ah... Oh Veronica, it's not a question of fault. It's a question of propriety, of professionalism while we're working. So, I'm not professional, is that it? That's not what I said... Just because I refuse to spout meaningless cliches to the point of madness... Veronica... ... that makes me a non-professional? No no no... I see what's going on here! Oh, well why don't you enlighten us? You're the professional after all. I most certainly will. Yes, I expect you will. What's that supposed to mean? Hmm, I wonder what that could mean? Could it mean you're going to go on and on and on... It made the news today, oh boy Four thousand mourners packed in Hogwarts here And though I was there to see him fall Now Hagrid won't let me look I won't really know what happened till I get to read the final book I can't believe... he's... gone... Dumbledore's lifetime accomplishments include induction as Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot... Uh, Veronica, I think that's "Why-zen-ga-moot." No Martin, I looked it up. Are you sure? Oh quite. Dumbledore was widely known as the only wizard ever truly feared by You Know Who. It's Voldemort. Can't we just say his name? Would that be so awful? I can't believe you! Voldemort... I -- you are despicable! Wizengamot. I've never worked with such a lunatic! Voldemort. Voldemort. Stop it! Stop it! I hate you! Voldemort. I can't work like this! Voldemort. Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie ACT POTTERY A parody of "Act Naturally" by Johnny Russell and Voni Morrison They're gonna make me do more movies Now they've made a big star out of me They make lame films and they pay me lots of money And all I gotta do is, act Pottery Well they'll touch up my forehead with a big scar I'll get a wand and do some crazy spells The CG has made me a big star Cause I can't really act so well Well I hope you'll come and see my latest movie See me type-cast to the nth degree Everyone thinks Harry is yours truly But all I really do is, act Pottery Well I can't believe these films are really ending And I'm not yet an Oscar nominee I'm a twenty-something, has-been child actor And all I ever did was, act Pottery Well I guess I should put an ad on craigslist But I can't type, and I don't know how to spell I could be that crazy kid in Equus Cause I can play the part au naturel Well I hope you'll come and see the latest movie And ignore the fact that I'm quite elderly When I finish school, I'll be washed-up big-time Cause all I ever do is, act Pottery Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie and Jace McLain ASCAP I AM THE HORCRUX A parody of "I Am The Walrus" by John Lennon and Paul McCartney I am he who's chosen least some folks believe what they read in the paper I'm on the run since the new war's begun I'm on the run, I'm hiding Sitting in a puptent, waiting for a clue to come Dumbledore's intel, sadly insufficient Hunting for a bunch of pieces of a tattered soul I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you're through You Know Who Mister Ronald Weasley sitting chicken little Weasley had to go See how he whines once he's left us behind, see how he cries He's crying, he's crying, he's crying, he's crying Nymphadora Lupin, growing little wolves inside Remus wants adventure, thinks he can protect her Man you've been a naughty boy, you let your family down I am the H-man, I am the H-man, finding Dolores, and then You Know Who Sneaking into Umbridge office but the locket's gone Tell the half-bloods run you gotta scram, maybe visit family in Spain I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you're through You Know Who Snatching rat-faced gloating poachers now we're toast cause Voldemort's taboo See how they spy like steak and kidney pie, they're foul and vile, I'm flying Flying into Hogwarts, fighting all the evil power In some sort of purgatory, Dumbledore informs me I am just another piece of Riddle's fractured soul I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux You're through You Know Who, you're through You Know Who You're through You Know Who, you're through You Know Who You're through ... You Know Who You're through, yeah you, you, you're through... You Know Who... Hallows, horcrux, horcrux hallows Toasting Voldemort marshmallows Horcrux, hallows, hallows, horcrux Dumbledore's dead, he was buried in his best tux... Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP HARRY'S GIRL A parody of "Valley Girl" by Frank Zappa Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl She's last in line, her blood is pure Now she's Harry's girl, fighting Voldemort She's last in line, she don't like Fleur Shes a Like, OMG! (Harry's girl) Like, totally (Harry's girl) Like at first I couldn't even talk (Harry's girl) I, like, froze up and like... (Harry's girl) Whenever Harry Potter was around, I like couldn't say anything, you know? Cause he was like totally famous, with that awesome scar on his head, and he was like totally all alone, and he was super super nice... he was just so... Youngest Weasley, she's depressed Old Tom Riddle's got her possessed She found this book, she was unaware That he put a whole bunch of evil in there Anyway, he goes, like, �Hi! I'm Tom Riddle, and this is my diary.� And I'm all like, wow, and he's all like, tell me about it, so I like told him how my brothers like totally tease me all the time, and how I like have to wear second-hand robes, I am so sure! Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl She lost her mind, she's lost her nerve But she's Harry's girl, and he'll rescue her Her vital signs, he will ensure She's a It's really sad (Harry's girl) Our new defense teacher, Professor Lockhart (Harry's girl) He's like Mr. Dufus (Harry's girl) We're talking lord God king Dufus (Harry's girl) I am so sure, he's like so pathetic I heard like he let out all these pixies And he like totally lost control of the class It's like totally embarrassing I'm like so sure, it's like who let these out... Bag the whole room! First year she's still awful shy Anytime Harry J. Potter walks by Her face turns red just like her hair Can't say a word, just too dang scared So like I go into this like bookstore place, y'know, and I wanted like to get my books for school, and they are all like, totally expensive, and like my dad like doesn't have any money, at all. It was like really embarrassing. And Harry's like, here, take my books, and he's like totally sweet, and I was like really embarrassed... Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl Years go by, she's found her nerve Now she's Harry's girl, with the bogey curse She's last in line, she don't like Fleur But she's Harry's girl, he could do much worse Like my brother is like a total dweeb (Harry's girl) He's like freaking out that I kissed anyone (Harry's girl) And he's like never even had a date (Harry's girl) I am sure, that's like pathetic! (Harry's girl) ROTFLOL! (Harry's girl) OMG! (Harry's girl) Hi! Uh-huh... (Harry's girl) My name? My name is Ginevra Weasley (Harry's girl) Uh-huh That's right, Ginevra (Harry's girl) Uh-huh... Like, Ginny for short It's like... (Harry's girl) I do not have funny hair... I'm sure (Harry's girl) What'sa matter with red hair? (Harry's girl) I am a witch, I know (Harry's girl) But I play like a really awesome game of Quidditch, so it's okay (Harry's girl) Uh-huh... (Harry's girl) So like, You Know Who is back (Harry's girl) I'm like freaking out totally (Harry's girl) OMG! (Harry's girl) Hi, I have to go to the DA meeting tonight (Harry's girl) We're like learning to defend ourselves, y'know (Harry's girl) But I am like underage That's going to be really like a total bummer And I named the D.A. � Dumbledore's Army, y'know? But will I get to stand and, like, fight? No, my parents will totally make me, like, stay behind By myself, in the room of requirement It's like so totally uncool But they can't watch me 24/7 So no biggie... We've been, like, putting up resistance all year It's like covert and stuff, y'know Well, I'm not a big baby or anything It's just like are you serious? I can like totally take care of myself With like You Know Who totally after Harry Harry's like, �pretend you don't know me, Ginny� It's like too risky... Risky to the max I'm sure It's like really exasperating Like get out Get me a normal boyfriend But...I am sure... Oh Harry... Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP UMBRIDGE BLOODY UMBRIDGE A parody of "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by David Evans There's been a lot of talk about this next song... maybe too much talk. This is not a Harry Potter song... this is Umbridge Bloody Umbridge... I can't believe my eyes today I thought that nasty evil toad had gone away Ding dong, the wicked witch ain't dead and gone No that frog, ain't gone... She survived, and she got another job, it's not right In our fifth year she came to teach Soon we realized how far her powers reached She made herself Inquisitor Thought she could run this dump much better than Dumbledore Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge She's working at the ministry She should be in jail, but on the contrary Though she is only three foot eight Somehow she's making muggles and blood-traitors run away Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Ding dong, that wicked witch got even stronger That frog, ain't gone Not quite, we gotta sneak inside, tonight We gotta fight, with a polyjuice disguise, inside Wipe her sneer away Make her go away She's only three foot eight Go ahead, make my day (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge) Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Now our seventh year's begun We're hunting horcruxes, and that witch is wearing one She wears that locket by her heart Gotta infiltrate the ministry and rip that thing apart I told the half-bloods run and hide (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge) Once I'd hit that witch with a bit of Stupefy! (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge) Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP DOBBY CAN YOU HEAR ME? A parody of "Tommy Can You Hear Me?" by Pete Townshend Dobby can you hear me, now I really need you Dobby can you see me, I'm the one who freed you Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby Dobby can you hear me, you saved us from the bad guys Dobby can you see me, you got clobbered in a drive-by Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby Dobby can you hear me, how could Rowling go and end you Dobby can you see me, maybe Molly will avenge you Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby... Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP WHY CAN'T WE ALL GET A LONGBOTTOM? A parody of "Sara" by Steve Goodie I've known this kid since the first year of school He taught us self-defense, and he taught us how to duel And he's never had a problem, with breaking lots of rules And he's on the run now, chasing You Know Who That's Harry, is he awesome, yeah, very (very, very, very) Oh Harry, Harry, come back and fight Death Eaters are swarming into Hogwarts tonight Oh Harry, glad you taught us those spells You got me out of my shell, yeah it's true Bring it on, You Know Who I used to be pretty lame, forget lots of stuff Till Professor McGonagall said, �Longbottom, enough's enough!� Turns out my Gran wasn't perfect herself And now I've got some confidence, with the Potter kid's help That's Harry, is he awesome, yeah, very (very, very, very) Oh Harry, Harry, come back and fight We're wiping out, the Dark Lord tonight Oh Harry, glad you taught us those curses Now it's us versus the worst they can do We can beat You Know Who Harry's the man, there's no contest From the very first day, on the Hogwarts Express Did he make fun of me, not him, not never He did his very best to help me find Trevor Who turned up at Hagrid's, it wasn't so bad But those Slytherin jerks make me so dang mad That Draco and Pansy and Goyle and Crabbe And Snape and Dolores and Bellatrix and... Riddle Okay that didn't rhyme, I messed up that verse Guess you better hit me with the Cruciatus Curse But before you try it, you might want to know That I killed Nagini, and that killed Voldemo' So I might strike back, yeah maybe I oughta Hit you with a little thing called... Avada Kedavra Harry, Harry, he taught me to fight And we're wiping out the Dark Side tonight Oh Harry, glad you taught us those spells You got me out of my shell, yeah it's true And we can beat You Know Who Harry, Harry, come back and fight Hogwarts is lousy with Death Eaters tonight Oh Harry, glad you taught us those curses Now it's us versus the worst they can do And we beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who) We beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who) Yeah we beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who) We beat him, defeated him, deleted him, mincemeated him, we beat You Know Who We beat You Know Who We beat You Know Who We beat You Know Who Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP MR. GRINT A parody of "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" by Dr. Seuss and Albert Hague You're a magician, Mr. Grint Your powers are unreal But you're always overshadowed By that Potter, how's that feel? Mr. Grint You're a second banana in a show you can't steal You're an sidekick, Mr. Grint And you'd like a leading role But you tend to tumble downward When you guard that Quidditch goal Mr. Grint And Fleur wouldn't touch you with a 39-and-a-half-foot... wand You're a sly one, Mr. Grint Even though you've got no scar You make a smashing entrance In a stolen flying car Mr. Grint And when you were surrounded by enormous spiders, you had to be rescued... by that stolen flying car You�re affluent, Mr. Grint A former normal kid Now you've got a couple mansions Worth about ten million quid Mr. Grint The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote... stinking, filthy, rich You're a redhead, Mr. Grint And when you get too much sun You're a radish with an accent A tomato with a tongue Mr. Grint Your face is an amazing conglomeration of the most carcinogenic and multifaceted blemishes imaginable... and I'll just bet you have freckles on your bum You entertain me, Mr. Grint You're number eight of nine (including Molly and Arthur) And though Fred and George are wacky You still get the funny lines Mr. Grint You're a gawky, awkward goofball with a broken wand and limited Quidditch skills... but Miss Watson thinks you're fine Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP ICE CREAM MAN A parody of "Iron Man" by Ozzy Osbourne and Geezer Butler Hey Ice Cream Man! Hey Ice Cream Man! Give me my ice cream! Mom, I need money for ice cream! Hey Ice Cream Man! I AM ICE CREAM MAN!! Yay! I am Ice Cream Man Plumping up the neighborhood in my van When I ring my bell All my little customers run like mad Wait! Ice Cream Man! Hey Ice Cream Man! Ice Cream Man! Wait! Wait! Big kid up the street Begging mama give me money for a frozen treat These kids can't say no I'm spreading Good Humor wherever I go (Burp) That was good! Give me my ice cream! Hurry! He's leaving! Run! Run! I'm running! I'm running! Junkies are everywhere Paying top dollar for a chocolate eclair Wind, snow, hail or rain See 'em waddle after me, calling my name Wait up! Hey! Everyone loves me Hey Ice Cream Man! I'm God's gift to the world Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! I got cash money! Everyone needs me My job couldn't be more secure I want a fudgesicle! This is broccoli for crying out loud! I'm your ice cream man... stop me when you're passing by... I am Ice Cream Man Inventing new flavors like spinach pecan Teeth rot, stomachs turn Everybody gets to feel the freezer burn Hey Ice Cream Man! Everyone wants me I'm a rockstar in a stupid hat Can you break a fifty? You wanna pay with a fifty? Uh huh. Yeah I got change for that Mom! I need fifty bucks! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! Hey Ice Cream Man, I don't think this is what I ordered. Yeah, this isn't right. This isn't supposed to be green. Hey, give me my money back! I want a refund! I did not order spinach! Hey buddy, my kid tells me you sold him some nasty ice cream. Uh, that's not possible. Here, have a fudgesicle, on the house. Ice Cream Man, wait for me! Children used to be thin With too much freakin energy and just one chin Here they come again Huffin and a-puffin like Eric Cartman Hey! What'll it be, kid? Okay, okay, I need... okay... I need three Strawberry Shortcakes, and four Chocolate Eclairs, and one of those big red white and blue bomb things.. Got it. Step right up, ladies and gentlemen... I got Fudge Bars, Nestle Crunch Bars, Snickers Bars, Heath Bars, King Cones, Premium Vanilla Sandwiches, Reese's Bars, Strawberries And Cream Bars, Cookies And Cream Bars, Toasted Almond Bars, Candy Center Crunch Bars, Triple Chocolate Brownies, Premium Sundaes Sundaes Sundaes, Giant Ice Cream Sandwiches, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Giant Neopolitan Sandwiches, Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwiches, Succulent Swiss Quintuple-Smooth Faux-Cream Triple Milk-Chocolate Frogs, Candied Frozen Yogurt Balls, Cherry Whipped Cream Mousse Balls, Fudge-Wrapped Dark Chocolate Semi-Malted Air-Puffed Peanut-Butter And Almond Honey-Soaked Frozen Barnacles On A Stick. Uh... one barnacle, please. Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie and Max Dorris ASCAP GIRL TALK (Disclaimer #1) The next song is a little weird, cause I wrote it as if I were a nine-year-old girl It's from an old band of mine called Girlband But don't panic, Mom, it's rated G... honest Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP (I CAN'T KISS YOU �CAUSE I HAVE) BRACES Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah It's field trip day, I've waited all week Johnny sit here, I saved you a seat We're on the bus and we're riding along But something's wrong I can't kiss you cause I have braces It doesn't matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places No I can't kiss you cause I have braces Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I'm such a dork, I feel so dumb This never would have happened but I sucked my thumb And you're so tall, and your hair's so wild But I'm afraid to smile I can't kiss you cause I have braces It doesn't matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places No I can't kiss you cause I have braces Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah It's always something and it's so unfair I just know I've got a bunch of spinach stuck in there I sit by the phone and wait for your call But you won't And it's all the orthodontist's fault All his fault All his fault All his fault I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth Metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal Metal metal metal metal, ahhh I can't kiss you cause I have braces It doesn't matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places I can't kiss you cause... I can't kiss you cause I have braces [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] It doesn't matter how sweet your face is [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] I have metal in all the wrong places [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] I can't kiss you cause I have braces Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP HALLOWEEN The night is dark and real spooky Ghosts in the streets, black cats on the prowl Batman's chasing Joker, there's Martians in the fields Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl? Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts I can hear the beating of Dracula's cold heart If I didn't know better, I'd flee this scary scene But there's no need to panic, it's only Halloween I've come for candy, don't you think I'm cute? I'm walking 'round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don't want your fruit I'm on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass Mrs. P says to me, who's that behind the mask I say yeahahahahaha!�and that makes her scream Didn't mean to scare you lady, don't you know it's Halloween I've come for candy, that's why I'm in this suit I'm trick-or-treating and you're supposed to give me loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don't want no fruit We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out The porch has got a witch's broom, there's candles lit in every room Don't leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear Hey, where did everybody go? C'mon you guys, this isn't funny I really need to pee, c'mon, I'll give you some of my chocolate And suddenly the lights come on, there's a party here, should go till dawn I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong It's Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah Hey it's all about candy, yeah I know I'm cute All 'round the neighborhood I've been collecting loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don't want no fruit I don't want your fruit I want your Hershey's, I want your Reese's Don't care if my teethes, fall to pieces I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds I want your candy Happy Halloween! Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP ECSTASY OF THE BILIOUS WATERPOODLE I can't find my penguin! If you cauterize that ointment with Aunt Claudia's broccoli casserole and follow the flatulence to its logical cartography while juggling your earwax, spam and mangos will erupt from my nephew's upper left Baio brother. Why can't I smell my elbows? I've discovered Pluto! You must stop shouting Down With Nastiness, you're making yourself over-irrigated and I can taste the mustard your brother-in-law spilled on his pedal-pushers. This nacho cheese has no linoleum. Why do all my staplers vote for Albanians? I think rutabegas make excellent recreational vehicles, not to mention party favors. Can Malibu Barbie get a part in the next Sharon Osbourne docu-drama about left-handed Ukranian mambo enthusiasts who find themselves suddenly expurgated in coleslaw? Paraguay! My mother can beat up twenty-six of your fastest non-alcoholic tricycle wheels with one spatula tied behind her esophagus. If your pinecone sugarloaf threatens my Parcheesi one more time I'll never stop articulating triumphant etudes on your camel's googelplex. Ick! Vomitous masses yearning to congratulate each other's uvulas! This chunky peanut butter isn't nearly chunky enough! It's the great pacific garbage patch, Charlie Brown! Will someone scratch my squirrel? Delousing hamsters reverses tooth-decay in laboratory earmuffs. I invited the Schwarzeneggers, but they brought Hawaiian Punch without marshmallows so I made them stand in the phone booth up to their knees in lime jello until one of them could properly whistle the Belgian national anthem without masticaing. Nitwits are sandblasting my pajamas! Can't you see I need oatmeal? What is the point of vanilla cough syrup, in today's recidivist economy? Or meat? I think I swallowed my face. A shoeless man with no money wants to buy my motorcycle. You got eggshells in my Strawberry Quick! My igloo isn't broadband compatible! Where did you put my toejam collection? Try hand towels now and then why don't you? I can't believe Cousin McQuigley got expunged for invertebrate eggplants! This silly putty isn't nearly silly enough! I want everyone on the left side of the room to stay on the left side of the room. Now! Do you think these pants make my cat look fructose-injected? Circuitous meatloaf! I can really taste the Chutney! Ow! My spork! Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP MUCUS TO MY EARS (Disclaimer #2) A style-parody of "Harvey The Wonder Hamster" by Alfred Yankovic This next song is like Really gross, I mean Really really gross, but kids think it's great They wanna hear it over and over again I know you won't like it, Mom But what can I say, it just hit me one day So don't listen, Mom, if you hate booger jokes... sorry! Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP BROWN BOOGER A parody of "Brown Sugar" by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards Most disgusting song ever recorded, take six... Boy, the food at this place is really terrible! This'll be a quick meal. This is absolutely gross! That boy is a P-I-G pig! Flush it down the toilet, okay, and flush it a couple of times... Ewwwwww! Third grade recess on the playing field Joey's got no lunch, but it's no big deal He's pickin' his nose, thinkin' he's out of sight See him pick a big one, just about bite-sized Awwwww! He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good? Gross! That's disgusting! Did you eat? Brown booger, just like a booger should now You gonna finish that? Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. Cause if you're not gonna finish it I would eat it, but if you're gonna eat... Say the word and I'll give you a piece. Little Joey's teacher well her jaw just drops Lady of the lunch wonders where it's gonna stop She gives him a sandwich and a blueberry pie But Joey keeps a-diggin', middle finger this time Blech! He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good now? Gross! Awww!! Nice mouth! Brown booger, just like a booger should, now, yeah We're mutants! There's something wrong with us, something very very wrong with us! That kid'll eat anything! Must be hungry. Something seriously wrong with us! Here's proof... his nose is cold. Now, didn't your mama teach you anything? If you're gonna eat your boogers buddy don't be seen I'm no schoolboy but I know what I hate You should have seen the size of what he ate The size of a Buick. Wow! Brown booger, how come you taste so good now? Awww, brown booger, just like a booger should now... I can't believe you're eating this! You know what your problem is? You don't chew your food, that's why you get so irritable with people. You could get mumps... Oh... I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww! Mmmmm! That one tasted like Cracker Jack! How come you... how come you taste so good? I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwwwww! You can taste mine if I can taste yours. Ooooo... okay! Just like a, just like a booger should Yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww! Oh look, I'm gonna roll it in my fingers and then toss it at you This one tastes like pepperoni! Pepperoni! Yeah! From the nose-meister! I think I touched my brain! If I find a gooey one, I wait for later, and then I get a crunchy one, and then I mix 'em. Yeah, I save 'em behind my ear. Ooo, that's a good idea. Have you ever mixed it with your earwax? Have I? I invented that! Oh! Extra points! Blood! Mmm... slimy. Mmm... salty. Have you ever microwaved them? No! Mmmm! Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Chris Smith ASCAP |
HEY BIRTHDAY BOY We celebrate your birthday, even if you don't Be glad you're getting older, cause when you're dead you won't So happy happy birthday, from everyone you know Now we will light the candles, and Birthday Boy you... blow! Copyright 2008 M. Spaff Sumsion TWEETIN' ON A JET PLANE A parody of "Leavin' On A Jet Plane" by John Denver Got my captain's hat and my clip-on tie, got my pilot's wings and I'm ready to fly I even brought my laptop and iPhone Now I'm bored to tears, at 30,000 feet, I'm on Facebook, and I'm posting Tweets I'm blogging while I'm logging hours flown So text me and chat with me, quick, before I hit a tree I missed my stop, by a hundred miles or so 'Cause I'm tweetin' on a jet plane, the one I should be piloting OMG, I got to go So many times I've fooled around, made the passengers bounce up and down I lost my way while bidding on e-bay Now I'm circling back to where I overshot, I never thought that I'd get caught When I come down, they'll haul my butt away So poke me and chat with me, I'm pirating a DVD Hold my calls, I love this video And I'm tweetin' on a jet plane, don't know when I'll look up again LOL, look out below Now the time has come to land it, hope I can manage it one-handed I'll close my eyes and aim for the runway (use the Force) My license is gonna get revoked, my mom is gonna have a freakin' stroke But I'll have time to Google more each day So text me and chat with me, oh, wait... did I just pass Terminal 3? I mapquested and I can't find my way home 'Cause I'm tweetin' on a jet plane, I hope they let me fly again Next year, if I make parole I'm tweetin' on a jet plane, my job has just gone down the drain No problem, I habla espanol Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Air Columbia... our flying time to Minneapolis today will be four hours and ten minutes... or five hours and ten minutes... Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie and Jeff Kobal ASCAP THE TWELVE SIGNS OF SWINE FLU A parody of "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" - traditional At the first sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me... a carton of swine flu vaccine At the second sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me... Two rubber gloves And a carton of swine flu vaccine At the third sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me... Three ointments Two rubber gloves And a carton of swine flu vaccine At the fourth sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me... Four coughing fits Three ointments Two rubber gloves And a carton of swine flu vaccine At the fifth sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me... Five swollen glands Four coughing fits Three ointments Two rubber gloves And a carton of swine flu vaccine At the sixth sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me... Six masks protecting Five swollen glands Four coughing fits Three ointments Two rubber gloves And a carton of swine flu vaccine At the seventh sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me... Seven patients puking Six masks protecting Five swollen glands Four coughing fits Three ointments Two rubber gloves And a carton of swine flu vaccine At the eighth sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me... Eight docs a-quacking Seven patients puking Six masks protecting Five swollen glands Four coughing fits Three ointments Two rubber gloves And a carton of swine flu vaccine Okay, let's skip to the end... I don't feel so good... At the twelfth sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me... Twelve pharmaceutical executives smirking Eleven lawyers leaping Ten lepers limping Nine lungs collapsing Eight docs a-quacking Seven patients puking Six masks protecting Five swollen glands Four coughing fits Three ointments Two rubber gloves And a carton of swine flu vaccine Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie I BAGGED A TIGER A parody of "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor Neil: Good morning, sports fans. Neil and Bob here. Welcome to the Wide-World Augusta Championship Pro-Am Open Masters Invitational Celebration of... (Golf!) (Golf! Golf! Golf!) (Golf! Golf! Golf!) (Golf! Golf! Balls!) Neil: You may recognize this fine upstanding young woman from "Who Wants to Do a Billionaire?" She'll be singing the Tiger Woods National Anthem. Bob (a la Bill Murray): I see that she's wearing a "Just Do It" T-shirt. Neil: Actually, I believe that's body paint, Bob. I was lame, no one knew my name Had no game, got no glory But stuff, happens in Vegas, and who should happen on me But a jock, with his cock-tail in hand And then I bagged a Tiger, now I'm Hollywood hot Sold my soul to the National Enquirer Got my own stalkerazzi taking big-money shots Went from nameless to famous when I Bagged a Tiger Neil: That's inspirational, Bob. Bob: Yes, a Cinderella story, out of nowhere. Neil: Sounds to me like they were playing a skins game. Then I find, he's not all mine I've been in line with ten others Neil and Bob: Twenty! Thirty! Forty! It's not just me on TMZ and ET How indiscreet, he should cheat, just with me! Although I bagged a Tiger, seems it's par for the course Lots of folks have taken strokes with his 9-iron Now at least half the planet claims they're swinging with Woods They're all oogled and Googled 'cause I Bagged a Tiger Neil: Wow, that's...rough. What do you have to say about these women, Tiger? Tom: They're grrrrreat! All big types, of cats show their stripes He's been a-lion' and a cheetah Neil: Wow, bad puns, Bob. But soon the public will forgive and forget And that means, forgive him, forget me [spoken] But while I've got the spotlight... I bagged a Tiger and I'm here to proclaim He's a much better putter than a driver When this scandal survivor's back on top of his game I've still got the golf clap cause I... bagged a Tiger Neil: "Who's your caddy!" (Golf!) (Golf! Golf! Golf!) (Golf! Golf! Golf!) (Golf! Golf! Balls!) I bagged a Tiger Neil: Wow, Tiger really shanked that one, Bob. Bob: Gotta watch out for those shankers. Neil: He must have told those women he had a US Open marriage. Bob: It all depends on the lie. Neil: Ya know, his wife's pretty teed off. She called him a PGA-hole. Bob: Now that's a hazard. He'd better keep his balls clean...or he could face sudden death. Neil: Remember, this all started with a car wreck...he could blame the whole thing on his Caddy. Bob: Tiger has lots of cars...� Neil: ...He got a hole in one. Bob: What's the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball?� Neil: I don't know, Bob... what is the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball?� Bob: Tiger can drive a golf ball over 100 yards. Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie, M. Spaff Sumsion, and Tom Smith DIVORCING THE KIDS Call case number 156...Smith and Smith versus Smith, Smith, Smith, and Smith... Your honor we respectfully submit That we are being abused by our kids They won't clean up the mess that they make Or fix the stuff they constantly break Pizza boxes, skateboards all over the place Lose their cell phones, want 'em replaced We can't live like this, we're divorcing the kids Tired of being dissed, we're divorcing the kids Your honor, their rooms are a disaster area We try to ground them, they say I dare ya Their friends descend, every weekend 'Round 7:15 in the a.m. Eating everything we've got We used to think kids were cute � they're not We can't live like this, we're divorcing the kids Tired of being dissed, we're divorcing the kids We changed the locks on every door Left their expensive junk out on the porch Sold their X-box on E-bay Booked a cruise to Saint Tropez�ay-ay-ay-ay Now they're sending us a barrage of textes Saying please don't make us your exes If you'll drop this bogus trial We'll take Domino's off speed-dial But the judge is a mom, and she easily manages To grant the divorce and two million in damages We can't live like this, we're divorcing the kids Tired of being dissed, we're divorcing the kids How will they afford this, I suppose They can all get jobs down at Domino's If the pizza's here in 30 minutes or less They can visit the dog and clean up his mess-yes-yes-yes-yes We can't live like this, we're divorcing the kids Tired of being dissed, we're divorcing the kids We can't live like this, we're divorcing the kids Tired of being dissed, we're divorcing the kids Honey, the dog just threw up in the living room again... Guess we're going back to court... Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie and Casey Dugan LES'S MORGUE And now a word from your friends at Lester's Mortuary... Meet your buddy Lester, he won't let you fester You'll get so much more, than you had bargained for When you want the very very finest sanctuary Don't settle for less than Les's Morgue Les's Morgue, come to Les's Morgue Today is the beginning of the end Les's Morgue, come to Les's Morgue Your ever-calming, sweet embalming friend When you are no more, he'll put you in a drawer He wants you to enjoy your three-day stay He'll fill up your insides with fresh formaldehyde To keep those pesky hungry maggots at bay Les's Morgue, Les's Morgue I'll stick a fork in you, my friend, you're through Unless you're a borg, come to Les's Morgue This is gonna hurt me more than you He'll tell your wife to bring by your best suit And ask her to pick up some leakproof shoes (or earplugs) Oh no! He's leaking! We dance and we're merry at Les's Mortuary We eat and drink and send you off first-class Of course if you're in the box, you won't dance a lot Unless somebody leads your sorry ass Les's Morgue, Les's Morgue I'll stick a fork in you, my friend, you're toast Les's Morgue, Les's Morgue Whichever way you're headed, adios Cause today is the last day of the rest of your life Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard DUMPSTER DIVING Honey? If you're going out, the kids need new sneakers and summer clothes. What they've got is all too small and worn-out. And the blender just quit... can you grab a new one? Oh, and a couple throw-rugs, and some new juice glasses, and the dust-buster stopped working around Thanksgiving... I got a list from my wife Kids need clothes and whatever But prices are too high Been unemployed since forever Makes me a real frugal dad (let's see, where can I get this stuff cheap?) Oh, whoa, whoa, dumpster diving Yo, let's go, dumpster diving I found a mattress tonight Under a manure-spreader Hey it'll work just fine For our little bedwetter I found a Vanderbilt sweater, yeah yeah With a bitchin' awesome varsity letter I said �Gimme, I saw it first, it's mine� And I pushed this broad into a shredder Oh, whoa, whoa, dumpster diving Oh, whoa, whoa, dumpster diving I haven't been inside a store (Ahh-ahh) Since 1994 (Ahh-ahh) I find a little, a little more In garbage cans... woo! Hey honey, look at this! It's a case of perfectly good copy paper! And look, a whole box of macaroni and cheese! Oh my god, look at these pajamas � they'll fit you perfectly! And a corkscrew! And toilet paper! And a plasma TV! And look � condoms! Yes, they're still in the wrappers. They're fine, come on! Don't be such a princess! I found a phone in a blender, yeah yeah Do you think these shoes and belt go together It's all stinky, and sticky, and it's all mine And you know the price could not be better Oh, whoa, whoa, dumpster diving Hey, I've been looking for odor eaters in my size. And who would throw out all this Halloween candy? People are idiots! Hey, a bedazzled jockstrap! And a belly-button ring! And the mint dental floss I like! And yogurt! There's gotta be five gallons of banana yogurt here! And Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray! And one of those padded toilet seats! Honey! You've been wanting one of these forever! And tube socks, and tea bags, and carmelized onions, and a George Foreman grill, and Tampax, and an eyebrow pencil, and an earwax remover, and a box of saxophone reeds, and a do-it-yourself hystorectomy kit, and 35 pounds of paprika, and a family-sized Chapstick, and an orangutan housetraining system, and a phlegm remover, and an enema bag, and a case of buttermilk, and inflatable kneepads... Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie DUMBLEDORE - LIVE! A parody of "Hardware Store" by "Weird Al" Yankovic Nothing ever ever happens in this house Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until an owl brought me the news It said I was already enrolled In a crazy magic school a thousand years old So my uncle I told, �I quit this household� And I laced up both my shoes But he said �you're not going anywhere You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair Your aunt and I, well we really don't care If you rot away in your room� But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised 'Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom I can't wait, no I can't wait They say I'm gonna be a sorceror I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore On the train I met a guy named Ron A red-headed kid and we really got along Making stuff disappear with our magic wands It was really really really really really really great Then we met this girl, Hermione Who knew every spell there is from A to Z And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately Old Malfoy showed his face Mean kid who likes to make trouble When he spots anybody related to a muggle And he calls them names, so we're gonna burst his bubble Before this year is through Now the coach has started slowing down And I'm getting off the train and I'm looking all around And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown Can't believe it's coming true I can't wait, no I can't wait Hagrid open up that great big door I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor Would you look at all of Dumbledore's stuff... He's got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you're feeling doomed and Potions that'll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape's acidic sneer and Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters I can't wait, no I can't wait I'm gonna get that evil Voldemort I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Voldemort Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie FUZZY NAVEL She was a great northern cougar, in my island saloon She bought me a drink, and by the light of the moon We danced and we shacked up down by the beach Going at it like rabbits with a seven-year itch Three days in, I found she was gone Now I wish I had a clue what the hell went wrong She used to be my drinking buddy Now I drink myself under the table Forget about sex on the beach I'm playing with my fuzzy navel Guess I was just her Southern Comfort She left me hanging in the Sea Breeze Now I'm sorry 'n' sad 'n' she's back in Manhattan Where she likes her Long Island Iced Teas She was out of my league, now she's outta here I'm older Bud-wiser, crying in my beer She used to be my drinking buddy Now I drink myself under the table Sex on the beach is way out of my reach I'm just playing with my fuzzy navel I was her weekend fling, didn't mean anything Now I'm a lonely island survivor She was too Cosmopolitan, for this much fun Now I'm just twiddling my screwdriver She used to be my drinking buddy Now I drink myself under the table Forget about sex on the beach I'm playing with my fuzzy navel Yeah sex on the beach is way out of my reach I'm just playing with my fuzzy navel Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard THE LEAST I CAN DO Take out the trash, mow the lawn Her honey-do list went on and on But the ball game was about to come on Can't this crap wait... No So I stomped down the trash with a big workboot Drove around the lawn for minute or two And I'm back in my chair with a pizza and a brew You're welcome dear, it was the least I could do Cause if it's the least I can do I do it If there's anything to it Then screw it If it's the least I can do I do it Do the dishes, scrub that floor Pick up the kid from school by four When this list is done, I have a bunch more Of that I have no doubt So I broke a few dishes, couldn't find the mop Texted my kid, said find the bus stop Thought about getting some kind of job And that about wore me out (ahhhh!) Cause if it's the least I can do I do it Though I can see her coming Unglue-ed If it's the least I can do I do it I slaved over dinner all day These bagel-bites are perfect, wouldn't you say This bridge was gonna be much longer Ah, who freakin' cares... Cause if it's the least I can do I do it If I sit on my butt I get through it If it's the least I can do I do it When the going gets tough I drink through it If it's the least I can do � ah, the hell with this Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard LAZY BOY She's up with the sun to stay in shape Working it out, before I'm even awake She spends the day running, I'm behind a desk Yeah she's stunning, and I'm a big old mess Who knows how I managed to get her A hottie like her could do much much better I'm her lazy boy, she's my hot little rocker I'm kinda overstuffed, she's a rock around the clocker Can't beat the heat in our love seat Don't know how I got her I'm her lazy boy, she's my hot little rocker She loves to dance, and she knows I don't So she goes with the girls while I stay at home And she's back around two, smoky and sweatin' And wantin' some love, we get to sleep around seven Must be something in me, only she can see A hottie like her coming home to me I'm her lazy boy, she's my hot little rocker I'm kinda overstuffed, she's a rock around the clocker She likes to jazzercize, while I supervise Somehow I caught her I'm her lazy boy, she's my hot little rocker She's a little deuce coupe, I'm an SUV She's a hot potato, I'm the couch variety She's lighter than air, I'm a jumbo jet And she says she's not sick of me yet I'm her lazy boy, she's my hot little rocker I'm kinda overstuffed, she's a rock around the clocker I'm always admirin', while she's pumping iron I'm her number one spotter I'm her lazy boy, she's my hot little rocker Somehow I've acquired, a spare spare tire But she don't seem bothered I'm her lazy boy, she's my hot little rocker She's my hot little rocker, my hot little rocker Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR A guy walks into a bar and it ain't no joke There's a letter in his jeans and that's all she wrote It says, here's your ring and here's your key Boy you've seen the last of me She left him half-broken and half-broke When a guy walks into a bar, to nurse a drink and a broken heart Ready to crawl inside his scotch and soak He might flirt with the girl with the plastic smile Act like life is good for awhile Listen to the losers blowing smoke A guy walks into a bar and it ain't no joke A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer Bartender says you can't bring that monkey in here You been wearing it on your back so long We're all pretty damn glad she's gone I got just the thing to make her disappear When a guy walks into a bar, to nurse a drink and a broken heart Ready to crawl inside his Jack and Coke He might dance with the girl with the plastic smile Act like life is good for awhile With all the other losers blowing smoke A guy walks into a bar and it ain't no joke She took his horse and saddle, she's gone without a trace Bartender says hey buddy, why the long face When a guy walks into a bar, to nurse a drink and a broken heart Laughing back the pain until he chokes He might go home with the girl with the plastic smile Live it up like the king of denial Brag to all the losers, blowing smoke A guy walks into a bar and it ain't no joke Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie and Judy Klass HEY BIRTHDAY GIRL We celebrate your birthday, even if you don't Be glad you're getting older, cause when you're dead you won't So happy happy birthday, from everyone you know Now we will light the candles, and Birthday Girl you... blow! Copyright 2008 M. Spaff Sumsion BYE BYE W Bye bye Dubya, bye bye Iraqi mess No more incompetence, you've told us your last lie Bye bye Dubya, bye bye empty head Hello brains instead, it's two thousand and nine Bye bye Dubya, goodbye � There goes the Bush boy, without a clue Whole nation's bankrupt, and his work is through He got us into, this depression Thank God there's no chance, he'll be back again (and uh, didn't you promise to get Osama bin Laden?) � Bye bye Dubya, bye bye jacked-up mess Hey everybody let's, give common sense a try Bye bye Dubya, hey, go home, get drunk, God bless Just keep your butt in Texas, and we'll all do just fine Bye bye Dubya, goodbye I'm through with �nu-cu-lar,� I'm through with �bring it on!� I'm through with counting, the days till you're gone Give me one reason, why Bin Laden's free I'm thinking maybe, you bombed the wrong country (you stupid arrogant war-mongering nincompoop!) Bye bye Dubya, bye bye blood for oil It's time to lance this boil, get back to human rights Bye bye Dubya, bye bye ignorance Hello intelligence, let's wave that jerk goodbye Bye bye Dubya, goodbye Bye bye Dubya, goodbye Bye bye Dubya, goodbye Bye bye Dubya, goodbye Copyright 2009 Steve Goodie BLACK WATER (BP version) Well I spilled something black when my oil rig exploded The whole mess is icky, and they say I'm to blame Catfish are floatin', all the beaches are closin' Black water keeps rollin' ashore, what a shame � Old black water, keeps on flowin' Fill the Gulf soon, but we'll keep refinin' BP Old black water, keeps on growin' Executive goons, we're nickel-and-dimin' BP Old black water, keeps on rollin' Up the Mississippi soon, gotta keep on lyin' BP Yeah keep on lyin' tonight Gotta say anything, shareholders gotta think everything's all right And our high-priced attorneys, say we ain't got no worries, at all � Now if folks complain, I don't care, don't make no difference to me I'll just ask Congress for a sweet ol' bail-out Yeah, I'm gonna meet some oily bureaucrats who'd like to play along And I'll be buying all my buddies drinks all 'round � Old black water, beached petroleum Fill the Delta soon, we won't be resignin' BP Old black water, reachin' Pensacola Environmental loons, they're picket-linin' BP Old black water, up to Minnesota Raise the price of crude, that's the silver linin', BP And keep on lyin' tonight Gotta say anything, tree-huggers gotta think everything's all right With the world at our mercy, it's the Gulf of New Jersey We're gonna screw up most of Dixieland �Less Obama gives a big ol' helping hand We need a hand (out!) Got our hand out (hey Obama!) Some cash would be grand, that's all we want We tried golf balls, top kills, Costner fans But nobody stopped the oil from reaching land We tried a dam (damn!) Even cans of Spam (hey, we're desperate!) And we've locked and loaded a nucular bomb We're gonna smear some gunk on Dixieland Give the brown pelicans a darker tan Dixieland (tan!) Give the birds a tan (instant bronzer!) Don'tcha stress 'bout the dolphins 'cause they're all gone It's like the Gulf got drunk at Disneyland Then vomited all over Lousianne Disneyland (land!) Up to Ketchikan (and Sri Lanka!) We make Katrina look like a little cold front All the shrimp and frogs and fish be damned Soccer mama gotta fuel her minivan Caravan (van!) Honda minivan (hockey mama!) Gotta drive to the Wal-Mart all day long No need to import oil from Pakistan When it's lying all over the Alabama sand Screw Iran (yeah!) And Afghanistan (and Venezuela!) We'll just go to the beach and grab tar balls We gotta feed the grease monkey on your back Everybody better cut us lots of slack Cut us slack (slack!) Cut us lots of slack (hey Obama!) Yeah we knew this might happen all along Copyright 2010 Steve Goodie and M. Spaff Sumsion ASCAP The Pedley We come from monkeys we all know it we don't talk too much about it Ain't no real big secret we came down from the trees and now we're grounded Tommy, you have got some really big teeth I believe you've got thumbs on your feet Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee Somewhere somehow somebody must have swung you around some Who knows maybe a safari came into the jungle, kidnapped you, sold you to an organ-grinder who cleaned you up and made you dance around some Tommy, you dress up real weird on TV Buddy, you are just a goofy redneck to me And you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee My sister's new husband was also her cousin They found out when she gave birth Cause when chromosomes linger you get extra fingers It's natural selection in reverse So what, caused, these flaws Was it a lack, of, in-laws Oh yer in-bred One eyebrow across your head When kin-folk wed Yer in-bred Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now Go and get something I ain't never seen And on the discount rack I see Deliverance And I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene Where they meet the hillbillies, and they're big and they're mean Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees It's Ned Beatty (Beatty) Ned Beatty Ned Beatty had the hardest part If you got a purty mouth you can be a big star I bet the next day, his agent got fired Ned Beatty had the hardest part Copyright 1994 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP |
SEVEN HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS Well, the government is best that governs least Until you need seven hundred billion dollars The commander in chief don't care who gets fleeced When someone needs seven hundred billion dollars War is expensive, much more than peace And to keep bombing the crap out of the middle east And to keep the truth from being released They need about seven hundred billion dollars It's a big pork pie, they want to eat every piece They'd like seven hundred billion dollars Wall Street's sucking at the congressional teat Yeah they need seven hundred billion dollars Gotta keep those Halliburton wheels greased It's expensive being the world's police We're still looking for Saddam's WMD's Now, someone needs seven hundred billion dollars please This guitar cost seven hundred billion dollars And I will stop playing if you give me seven hundred billion dollars Lipstick sales are on the increase Though the exact figures have not yet been released Those pigs are looking mighty pleased They expect something like, in the neighborhood of, give or take, seven hundred billion dollars See Wall Street says there is no doubt That without a little bitty bailout Everybody's mortgage will explode At least that's the story we've been to'd This kazoo cost seven hundred billion dollars This harmonica cost 5 dollars... but the holder cost $699,999,999,995... The welfare moms will feel the squeeze Every child left behind, cut off at the knees Can we feed our kids and buy 'em shoes at least? No, someone needs seven hundred billion dollars They need seven hundred billion dollars Not million, seven hundred billion dollars And this is the party that wants smaller government... Screw you guys, I'm going home Copyright 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard ASCAP (I'M THINKIN' 'BOUT NAILIN') SARAH PALIN The GOP nominee has picked his running mate She's quite reknowned her one-moose town in her frozen northern state She's as moral as they get, she's Johnny's special pet And as pissed-off as she makes me... let's get one thing straight: I'm thinkin' 'bout nailin' Sarah Palin, wanna do some humpback whalin' As clever as she's not, dang that girl is hot All that rhetoric she's spillin', gets me thinkin' 'bout offshore drillin' Evil turns me on, and that is one wicked hockey mom I'm thinking 'bout nailin' Sarah Palin Nothin' gets me hotter, than polar bear slaughter As we wipe out every otter, with tons of oil in the water Put that former beauty queen in a Hummer limousine Add some vaseline, and send in the Marines I'm thinkin' 'bout nailin' Sarah Palin, with her leather leggin's flailin' I've been screwed by politicians, but never with my permission And though her politics are chillin', I find her booty thrillin' I googled her today and I'm e-mailin' To say I'm thinking 'bout nailin' Sarah Palin Sarah I'm hunting you, like the mighty caribou I bringing up my pipeline, you bring the harp seal stew (oh baby) I'm thinkin' 'bout nailin' Sarah Palin, I hear she likes inhalin' And makin' babies by the score, then sendin' them off to war That policy reformer makes the planet much much warmer So I'm writing to inform her that I'd like to Desert Storm her And that means nailin' Sarah Palin I don't expect a politician to stick with one position But I really didn't expect the Alaskan Inquisition (�Nobody expects the Alaskan Inquisition!�) She don't believe in birth control, as she climbs my Gallup Poll... And I'm thinkin' 'bout nailin' Sarah Palin Copyright 2008 Steve Goodie FRANK'S GARAGE So you're in an economic pickle With your great big sports utility vehicle Can't afford the fuel, can't sell it Can't trade it, what the hell you gonna do? I know a guy, he's been turning wrenches for years You should give him a try, and yes, you can pay him with beer Come on down to Frank's garage, bring him your big old motor He'll take your SUV apart, and build you two Toyotas Forget bio-diesel and solar He'll cut your SUV in half, and make two Corollas Tired of getting thirty gallons to the mile? Need something smaller than your domicile? that means your house Come on down to Frank's garage, with that Hummer you're so fond-a He'll take your SUV apart, and build you two damn Hondas He's got the tools, and a price you can afford He'll cut your SUV in half, and make four Accords Gas is twenty bucks a quart But Frank don't want you in no import See how many Mini Coopers he made Out of one excessive Escalade Escalade, Escalade, Escalade, Escalade Escalade, Escalade, Escalade, Escalade Come on down to Frank's garage, with that big old Dodge Dakota He'll take your freakin truck apart, and build you eight Toyotas Frank's not out there hugging tree-es-es He's cutting Navigators into Prius-es-es Frank once worked at the Hummer plant, but last year he got fi-red Now he turns two-ton Tonka tanks into tiny little hybrids Come on down to Frank's garage, just east of Escondido He'll take your SUV apart, and build you a fleet of Geos There's no need to fret bro With a new Suburban and a case of bourbon, he'll make you sixteen Metros Yeah come on down to Frank's garage, it's worth the wait in line Come on down to Frank's garage, it's two for one all the time Yeah come on down to Frank's garage, are gas prices killin ya? Come on down to Frank's garage, yeah you can run on one cylinder! Copyright 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard ASCAP OH THEY BUILT ANOTHER BOMB Oh they built another bomb, they say it's better than the last It can kill a bunch of people, it can kill 'em really fast Now they need another war, to see if the bomb's the best So they're gonna pick a fight, put the new bomb to the test Are they gonna fight al Qaida, or the Iraqis What if they can't find Osama We'll go get the Sudanese, we'll go get the Sudanese Oh they built another bomb, and they say it's really good So they're gonna have a war because they really think they should Can you see them marching down the street A foreign army that's tough to beat Oh suddenly our bomb flies through the air And poisons the army, leaves the buildings standing there Using this bomb in war would be no crime Why we could kill the enemy a thousand times One shot and watch our revenues increase Oh Halliburton's certain to end all peace Are we gonna invade Afghanistan, send our troops to foreign soil Hey, let's have a war with Canada, wait, they don't have no freakin oil, they don't have no freakin oil Oh they built another bomb, and they say it's really good So they're gonna have a war because they really think they should It could be a police action, in some small unknown place Or it could be full-scale war, and destroy the human race Copyright 1983 Gary Gordon NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK Oh, the white folks hate the black folks And the black folks hate the white folks To hate all but the right folks Is an old established rule But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week Lena Horne and Sheriff Clarke are dancing cheek to cheek It's fun to eulogize the people you despise As long as you don't let �em in your school Lena Horne is a singer, actor, and civil rights leader who was blacklisted during the McCarthy era. Sheriff Jim Clark of Selma Alabama beat and whipped activists for black voting rights. Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks And the rich folks hate the poor folks All of my folks hate all of your folks It's American as apple pie But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week New Yorkers love the Puerto Ricans �cause it's very chic Step up and shake the hand of someone you can't stand You can tolerate him if you try This song is by Tom Lehrer, the great musical satirist who doesn't satirize anymore. He says, �I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them.� Now THAT is what I call tolerance. Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics And the Catholics hate the Protestants And the Hindus hate the Moslems And everybody hates the Jews But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week It's National Everyone-smile-at-one-another-hood Week Be nice to people who are inferior to you It's only for a week, so have no fear Be grateful that it doesn't last all year Copyright 1965 Tom Lehrer FRIENDS ON MYSPACE Blame it all on Bill Gates, I don't go on dates But online they adore me I swear I let my hair grow, I let myself go As I sit here in my underwear And I am not known, to wear fancy cologne Haven't showered in three or four weeks No need for hygiene, as I stare at the screen It don't matter when chatting with geeks Cause I've got friends on myspace, it's The singles bar for basket cases There's no cover to pay, no, we just type all day Yeah I'm not big on face-to-faces I just sit here at home, and get so wasted Cause I've got friends with myspaces Well you start off with Tom, soon you'll have a throng Of the friends all over the world Everybody's a genius with a fifteen-inch... personality In this family of misfits and nerds Don't need no fancy car, you can be quite bizarre Or stinky or nasty or short No teenagers allowed, though they show up somehow It's a predator's dang smorgasbord Yeah I've got friends on myspace, it's So totally, like, yeah, the whole human race is Pimping out their page, I change mine every day Yeah I have zits and warts and braces That's why all my pics are cut and pasted Yeah I've got friends with myspaces Yeah I've got friends on myspace, it's A big old fight, for my top-friend places They're better by far, than friends who actually know who you are Yeah we don't need to show our faces When the grid goes down, it might just erase us But till then I've got friends with myspaces Yeah I've got friends on myspace, it's The singles bar for basket cases There's no dues to pay, we just type all day Yeah I'm not big on face-to-faces I just sit here at home, and get so wasted Cause I've got friends with myspaces Copyright 2008 Steve Goodie ASCAP I CONFESS I know this girl who's kind of whacked Nice guys just cannot turn her on, she likes psychos in the sack And though I've never done hard time For her I admit to every capital crime Cause when I concoct some evil doings She leaps into lingerie She lowers the lights, and she starts cooing �Baby, did you kill anyone today?� Oh you bet, I confess, with great speediness My lies always please her (lies always please her) Those heads in the freezer (heads in ze freezer) They give her a smile Yes yes when I invent, a vicious event She begs me to squeeze her (please squeeze me, oh yah) I'm a monster I guess I confess, come on let's, get undressed Yeah, you know what I'm saying... all right... shut your mouth! If I say I robbed the liquor store She squeals and writhes and hollers more more more more more more more She'll do whatever I tell her to When I say my library books are way way overdue And when I describe my five hijackings She dresses like a stewardess Now my seat is upright and locked for, snacking And she fondles my hostages (hey!) Yes yes yes I confess I'm unscrupulous I'm no good, I'm trouble (nothing but trouble) I'm no Barney Rubble (who's Barney Rubble?) Now let's hit the hay-ay-ay Yes I did it myself, not nobody else And the romance just doubles (give us a cuddle) I have sinned and transgressed Yes yes yes, I confess -- get the peanut butter You yeah, you know what I like Now I may have gotten carried away When I confessed to killing both JFKs She looked suspiciously my way Til I said... �um... wait... not THOSE JFKs... I mean the John F. Konigsberg twins... You know, that stinky Hungarian acrobat team that you're always making fun of?� Yes yes yes I confess, I'm so malicious I'm wicked and sneaky (twisted und sneaky) I'm twisted and freaky (tvisted und freaky) I'm your kind of guy Yes yes, when I confess, though it's ficticious I'm no longer geeky (I'm cool, I'm cool) What a beast I've become But at least I'm getting some... I confess! Copyright 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP THANK GOD THANKSGIVING (ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR) Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Suddenly my family's entirely too near And everyone's remarried since the last time they were here Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Here comes Uncle Junior, with his brand new wife I'm not sure how we're related, currently I think she's my second cousin, on my step-mother's side I better go ask Mama, about the family tree Mama's making name tags on the front porch Cause our lineage, keeps getting rearranged We keep it all in the family, just as soon as we get divorced Makes it so hard to remember, everybody's name Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Seems to me our family tree's more like a family sphere How are we related, we have no idear Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Granny's new boyfriend, now there's a piece of work He's Junior's stepson by his first wife, it's gross to watch them flirt My sister's brand new husband, used to be my cousin Scott Out on bail from the county jail, long enough to tie the knot Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year When it's time to see the family that I avoid all year It's like filling up a trailer with three dozen Britney Spears Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Let's take one more lap 'round the old gene-pool We put all kinds of fun in dysfunctional Somehow Grandpa got taller, and younger and skinnier Cause our hallowed family line, is anything but linear Hey Charles Darwin called He said, what the fuck y'all? Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Now I lay me down to sleep, and I pray �please disappear!� Junior's in the next room struggling with his ex-wife's step-mom's sister-in-law's brassiere Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Cause mama don't allow no evolutin' 'round here No Mama don't allow no evolutin' 'round here Well mama don't allow no evolutin', she says it's too dang high-falutin' Mama don't allow no evolutin' 'round here Copyright 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard CALLING DR. PHIL Now you're gonna want to prepare yourselves for this one. Now... this is an intervention. Now you're sitting there, with all your attitude, but there is no chicken in that tupperware. Pull your damn pants up. Now you got quite a mouth on you, Junior. Now how many children you gonna have out of wedlock before you realize that the TiVo has got to go? You need advice baby, oh so bad You need a doctor who gets raving mad Now... Don't need no touchy-feely PhD You need the kind you find on your TV You understand where I'm going with this don't you? They call me (Dr. Phil) They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) If I can't cure you no one will (calling Dr. Phil) You are playing with your life, you understand that, don't you? Do not judge me till you've walked a mile in my shoes wearing my wife's panties. And even though I'm full of sh*t Thanks to Oprah I'm a great big hit Now... I'm on the air, there's nothin' you can do Now... It's tough love until my face turns blue Now... You're on your knees for my remedies You need an earful of my expertise Yes I know what your problem is The first step of the cure is, showbiz Now how's that working for you? So call me (Dr. Phil) They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) I'm a bald Prozac pill (calling Dr. Phil) These kids depend on you and you are ugly as sin... if you don't get that nose fixed no one's gonna talk to you... I hardly want to talk to you. Ha. Now... They call me (Dr. Phil) They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) I got an hour to kill (calling Dr. Phil) Now the Bible... which I have read... and underlined... as the Bible says, �If the cat's juggling it does not a magic show make.� You think you're the hottest thing since bologna came out of an aresol can. Now I got news for you. You think that I'm uncool, I don't know what I'm talking about. I got news for you, I've been your age, I know what it's like, my wife Robin's got more sense. Now how's that working for you? I've come home with my Easter eggs not in my basket if you catch my drift. Now these kids look up to you, Lord knows why, now you think you're sitting there you got all the answers, now how's that working for you? So call me (Dr. Phil) They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) I got some crap to instill (calling Dr. Phil) What is the problem? I'll tell you what the problem is. The problem is two plus two does not equal Y. They call me (Dr. Phil) They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) Now I got my potatoes in a sling just like any other man. I got mad head-shrinking skills (calling Dr. Phil) Communication is the anti-biotics that will cure the clap of your marriage. You understand that? Now I guarantee you... Yeah, they call me (Dr. Phil) My wife Robin she makes me pee sitting down They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) When you have a relationship there's got to be give and take Open my mouth and let it spill (calling Dr. Phil) You got to be willing to take a strap-on, you got to be willing to give up your... your...This little girl, she looks up to you, she's depending on you for guidance. Now me, on the other hand, I'm looking at you for ratings. Now that's just the way it is. Now, if you're gonna butter your bread you got to know which side is facing south. They call me Dr. Phil. Now you know my wife, she ain't putting up with it. I hardly put up with it. I hardly put up with me. Since I married my wife, whom I adore, I hardly put up with me. They call me Dr. Phil. They call me Dr. Phil. Well they do. Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP THE ROAD TO HELL Twice a year I swear, when I'm sitting in that chair I'll brush and floss every day and night And every new year's eve, I give the Lucky Strikes the heave Although I know, I'm gonna lose that fight No matter what I do, everything falls through Those promises are easy to make And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions I'm working on a damn interstate Granny's old and sweet, she needs help to cross the street And I'm really late, but I run her to the other side But when old ladies run they slip, now she needs a brand new hip And she's suing me for attempted granni-cide No matter what I do, when I paddle my canoe I go round and round, I can't get that sucker straight And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions I'm working on a big damn interstate I'm a longshot, stumbling from the gate Hoping not to fall and break my own leg Cause the next shot I hear could be, in my ear No brand new hip for me, no it's the glue factory The kindergarten called, said my kid was in a brawl She's real cute but kinda violent Three classmates she had clocked, my chip off the old block So I doubled up her dose of riddilin, and I sent her right back in No matter what I do, my checks don't go through Insufficient funds, no one gets paid And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions I've got myself a big damn interstate And it's 200 degrees in the shade Yeah I've got myself a big damn interstate Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard TELL MICHELLE Melvin McCrelmy, he called to tell me My old flame's back in town Seems she's been climbing the walls, been trying to call me Wondered if I was around Yeah Michelle O'Shay's, the one that got away Oh I'd pined for her so long She asked Mel for my number, and my buddy he wondered Should he pass it on, and I said... Hell yeah Mel, it'd sure be swell, if you'd tell Michelle my cell (number) After all these years, she's finally here, and I'm still under her spell Hell yeah Mel, you may as well tell, Michelle my belle my cell What's the worst that could happen, if we start yappin', I think it'll go real well See my heart got broke, ten years ago When she left me for that dumbass John But then it seems that he, ran off to Waikiki With a whole 'nother bottle blonde Well she got some cash, from her ex-dumb-ass And now she's moved back home to stay She's looking to see, if she can still have me And I say a-okay Hell yeah Mel, it'd sure be swell, if you'd tell Michelle my cell (number) After all these years, I can buy her a beer, and give her my landline as well Hell yeah Mel, you may as well tell, Michelle my belle my cell What's the worst that could happen, if we start yappin', and wind up at the corner motel Then I said say Mel, brother can you tell, me How she's looking after all these years He said it looks like she's, put on a few lb's Size twenty-three is how it appears From the look of it, she quit shaving her pits But her buzz cut looks just swell And I know you'll get used, to those big old tattoos Even though they're all misspelled Well hell, I yelled, Mel, why'd you go and tell, that jezebel my cell (number) I oughta bust your nose, bro's before ho's, hello? dontcha know how the saying goes Oh Mel, I yelled, how the hell could you tell, Rosie O'Donnell my cell So I got a new phone, to make her leave me alone But she Googled me too, sent me weird you-tube And it's not gonna end, cause now we're myspace friends She's won't let me be, she keeps I.M.'ing me So next time Mel, it'd sure be swell, if you'd tell Michelle �go to hell� And hook me up with your ex, I hear she's back from Texas And I always had a thing for Danielle Copyright 2008 Steve Goodie OUTSIDE THE BOX You know the way guys are, one thing on our mind And you're kind enough to point it out all time So after a series of very long talks I'm trying to think, outside the box It's the way we're wired, we gotta work within our limits What you think of once a week, hits us every few minutes Doctors, lawyers, those guys on the docks We're all trying to think outside the box Outside the box, that's how I need to think Don't let that ding-a-ling run everything To save a relationship that's on the rocks I'm trying to think, outside the box You tell me grow up, this crap has got to stop It seems you've read every book, on the topic You said I have two brains, now it's time to change And stop using the one that's microscopic Outside the box, that's how I'm s'posed to think I'm a lonely Zamboni, goin' round the rink Man that ice is thin, and our love's on the rocks So I'm trying to think outside the box You're working so hard to get a rise out of me Baby, isn't that a little contradictory I say hey that's the way I've always been I'm still on the outside, looking in Outside the box, that's how I need to think But my shrinky dink's after your ba-dink-a-dink You claim we're all the same, just a bunch of dumb shlocks So I'm trying to seem like I'm trying to look like I'm trying to think outside the box Baby, life don't stink, hell I'm in the pink Still I'm trying to think, outside the box Yeah she wants me to think outside the box Copyright 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard LOWER THE BAR Earl stumbles into his favorite watering hole He's ready to celebrate his early parole He's already pretty drunk, as he trips on the single step up Says, �hey that step wasn't there last time I got plastered in this dump Did they raise this whole place Just to knock me on my face� You gotta lower this bar (lower the bar) Lower this bar (lower the bar) I'll sue y'all if this leaves some kind of scar And I'll make sure every last one of you gets fired You gotta lower this bar, lower the bar The girl sitting at the bar tries not to laugh He sees her and he thinks he's got a chance He blindly finds his feet and he wanders toward her seat Gives a drunken wink, says �can I buy you a drink?� She giggles as she leaves Earl says, �what, you too good for me?� You gotta lower the bar (lower the bar) Lower the bar (lower the bar) I'm a fancy feast in a world of caviar And high expectations never got no one very far You gotta lower the bar, lower the bar If you repeat Earl's morning mantra, you just can't go wrong Today I will settle for whoever comes along You gotta lower the bar (lower the bar) Lower the bar (lower the bar) There's always karaoke if you wanna be a country star I hear they need a tenor in the NASCAR Tabernacle choir You gotta lower the bar, lower the bar And have a little dip of Skoal when they're out of Cuban cigars You gotta lower the bar, lower the bar Copyright 2008 Steve Goodie and Shantel Adams HARRY SINGS HIS TRAGEDY This just in... the Darm Mark was spotted above Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry just after midnight tonight... this is the traditional signature of murder by the Death Eaters... the followers of You Know Who... Oh, well I'm frozen Watching Draco abusing poor old Dumbledore And I cannot do a thing And I can't believe my ears, oh how could it be worse What a horrible ending What's Dumbledore thinking, we knew Draco was a traitor Just like his buddy Snape Yeah that doublecrosser works for Volde -- shhhh... I'm frozen, thinking �How could you go let yourself be murdered,� now you've frozen me Dumbledore No, Snape's no better than Peter Pettigrew, shoulda gotten fired not promoted, he's Slytherin Haven't you people ever heard he's, working for Voldemort? No, he's much better at evil kinds of things, have you lost your senses? Oh, looking back Dumbledore's been looking for horcruxes And recklessly depending on Snape Now it's all so, bloody awful Got himself in a bad scrape Oh, watch your back If Draco can't liquidate you I mean technically it's gotta be Snape, right? Made that unbreakable vow, got your jugular vein Now his job's down the drain Harry! What happened? I watched the whole thing. I couldn't move because Dumbledore froze me. I was right about Draco all along. Voldemort ordered him to get Dumbledore. And he did? I can't believe it! I'm frozen, thinking Everybody's always been sure that, Snape's working for Dumbledore No, he's no better than Narcissa and Bellatrix, shoulda gotten clobbered at the ministry He's Slytherin Haven't you people ever heard there's, Death-Eaters at the door? No, Malfoy's destroying everything, where's your defenses? Tom's got seven personalities, oh yeah I'm frozen, thinking �How could you go let yourself be murdered,� Snape's after you Dumbledore No, maybe he planned the whole thing weeks ago, maybe he's really in the Order It's confusing Maybe he's evil maybe he's not, is he working for Voldemort? Dunno, don't know how to face this kind of thing, look in the Pensieve... Tom wants immortality, oh yeah Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie A DAY IN THE LIFE OF HARRY This just in... Midnight mayhem at Hogwarts! Four known Death Eaters infiltrated the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, surrounded Dumbledore, and escaped after the crime... I read the news today, oh boy 'Bout how the headmaster he got betrayed Just can't believe Snape's quite that bad Thought he was on the righteous path Hey, he was on the Hogwarts staff He blew his boss up with a wand He'd made a vow to Malfoy and Lestrange That's pronounced, "La-strawnge" Vowed to cover Draco's derriere So he whacked old Dumbledore Though nobody is really sure we'll never see his face no more They've made four films to date, oh boy Though the books are great, I find the films okay If I were smart I'd turn away But I just have to look Having read the books I can't believe... he's... gone... This just in... shortly past midnight last night, Hogwarts headmaster Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore was... ...was done in by Severus Snape, using the forbidden Avada Kedavra curse. More information as it comes in. Well obviously there will be more information as it comes in. We can't very well dispense information before it comes in, can we? Yes, of course Veronica, that's just something we say, isn't it, to sign off? Oh for heaven's sake! Can't we think of something a bit more clever than that? I mean really! Oh, good Lord Veronica, do you have to make an issue out of everything I say? So this is my fault is it? Woke up, got out of bed Felt the scar across my head Found my way downstairs where the floating cups Had been conjured up and hit the Dursleys in the face (ha ha ha ha) Found my wand and grabbed my broom Felt my wizard life resume But the whole thing just went up in smoke I'm under my cloak and I just want to scream Ah... Oh Veronica, it's not a question of fault. It's a question of propriety, of professionalism while we're working. So, I'm not professional, is that it? That's not what I said... Just because I refuse to spout meaningless cliches to the point of madness... Veronica... that makes me a non-professional? No no no... I see what's going on here! Oh, well why don't you enlighten us? You're the professional after all. I most certainly will. Yes, I expect you will. What is that supposed to mean? Hmm, I wonder what that could mean? Could it mean you're going to go on and on and on... It made the news today, oh boy Four thousand mourners packed in Hogwarts here And though I was there to see him fall Now Hagrid won't let me look I won't really know what happened till I get to read the final book I can't believe... he's... gone... Dumbledore's lifetime accomplishments include induction as Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot... Uh, Veronica, I think that's "Why-zen-ga-moot." No Martin, I looked it up. Are you sure? Oh quite. Dumbledore was widely known as the only wizard ever truly feared by You Know Who. It's Voldemort. Can't we just say his name? Would that be so awful? I can't believe you! Voldemort... I -- you are despicable! Wizengamot. I've never worked with such a lunatic! Voldemort. Voldemort. Stop it! Stop it! I hate you! Voldemort. I can't work like this! Voldemort. Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie |
THE NASCAR SONG Russell watched TV after his high school graduation Three solid months of ESPN Till his daddy told him son, that's the end of your vacation Go get a job, or we're gonna charge you rent So Russell got a job, got fired that same day A cashier he wasn't meant to be He went back to the couch, turned on the race And he said, hot damn, now that's the job for me So Russell got a loan and went to NASCAR school Where the future NASCAR drivers learn the one big NASCAR rule Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain't rocket science, you can learn it in one day Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight It's just like brain surgery if you take the brain away Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get paid Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get l... lots of money Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain't English Lit, you don't gotta write a thesis But if you make a wrong turn you're going right to Jesus So go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight etc. Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT ME There's one extra-special person who's always there for me My rock, my inspiration, oh it's true The one who stands beside me, lifts me when I fall I owe it all to someone, and that someone is... me Where would I be without me I'm the only one who's never let me down you see From the moment when I wake up, till I lay me down to sleep I'd like to say thank you... thank you to me You know life can be so busy, we never find the time To tell the ones we love the way we feel Now I can't let that happen, I won't wait till it's too late To take the opportunity to say... Where would I be without me I'm the only one who's always there, indubitably I get spurned and burned each time I've turned to cold humanity I'd like to say thank you to me There's just one set of footprints Behind me in the sand I used to wonder what that meant But now I understand Where would I be without me No need to inherit the earth, I never want to be that meek If God helps those who help themselves, hey holy crap that's me! I just want to say thank you, I'd like to tell me thank you Just want to say thank you... thank you to me This is a big shout out to yours truly... I love you man! And I will always love me I light up my life I am so beautiful to me Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP HANDLIN' MY MANDOLIN I've played in lots of bands, never got a second glance It's a sad sad circumstance, you'll agree Cause I play this little mandolin, and I always get left standing when The girls rush all my bandmates, and not me... it's sad... until tonight, that is... I can see her from the stage, and she likes the way I play She's watchin' me watch her dance in those pants she's in... she wants me... She wants to get me all alone, for a private show of her own Cause she knows I put the man in mandolin And she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin She likes the song I sing, and my extra-tight bluejeans She's a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Even when a girl's a good 'un, she might do some things she shouldn't She's like a tiger in a zoo who's busted through her cage... meow When an innocent southern belle gets an excuse to cut loose and raise some hell She'll borrow, beg and steal to get backstage... bless her heart Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin She's on the Trace Adkins diet, I'm a-gonna have to try it She's a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Now I know I'm no virtuoso Yeah I know there's those who play way better Still after the show, if she wants to rosin up my bow Well I think I'm gonna let her Cause she's scramblin' to be handlin' my mandolin... yee haw! My pickin's finger-lickin', and she done come 'round sniffin' And I'm betting you would love the shoes I'm standin' in Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin And later when we're alone, she might slide up my trombone Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Yeah she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie ASCAP SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF When I called collect to say I'd wrecked her new Beemer, my baby was cool And she didn't get ticked when I went and picked the wrong kid up from school And she didn't get bent when I gave her best friend's rear end a little goose But one time I left the seat up, man did I get beat up, I mean all hell broke loose You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, sweat it night and day The big things may perturb her, but it's the little bitty ones that'll blow you away Set the house on fire, blow out all her tires No need to perspire when you do But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna muddle through When I ran over, the cat with the mower she said �one down and eight to go� And she let me slide watching Girls Gone Wild, hell she helped me figure out the TiVo When I said �you look as good, as an old lady could,� well she handled that just fine But find a crumb on the sofa and it's Girls Gone Postal, yeah she just about lost her mind You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, sweat it all day long The devil's in the details, and that's where you'll go wrong Space her birthday out, flirt with a girl scout Don'tcha worry about that goat But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna stay afloat She stood before the TV, blocking out my bigscreen Saying, �Do I look fat in this dress?� Just then we scored a touchdown and I nearly knocked my beer down When I jumped up and screamed �yes!!!� You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, that's what it's all about The devil's in the details, and he likes to watch you sweat it out Bring home an STD, hey, BFD Don'tcha see that's forgiveable son But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna get along Fill her porcelain tub with your homemade drugs And she'll clean up the meth (oh yeth) But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, it's a point that really can't be overstressed Unless you want your Hummer repossessed She could lop off what you got when you're undressed So don'tcha look at any other lady's chest Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP I NEED A PARKING SPOT I got a job in LA, and I don't want to be late Cause today I get paid, so I hit the freeway in my Primer-gray, Korean-made, hot Chevrolet (it's called a Geo) But then an hour I waste, cause there's no parking space Within a mile of the place, where I am going Is there some way, today, L.A. Let me out of my car, I need somewhere to park So I can get to work before dark It's asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one parking spot And if a spot comes my way, then I got to pay If I want it to stay where I put it cause They say they may tow it away (at owner's expense) So I can meet their demands, or take my life in my hands Park the car in gangland, and leave it someplace where it Could be attacked, whacked, ransacked, and more compact If I ever get it back Let me out of my car I think I see a nice spot over thar (Nope, it's handicapped) I can't disregard the blue wheelchair It's asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one damn parking spot I paid for tags and title, they won't even let me idle This town is one big parking lot So why can't I find one little parking spot Lovely Rita, oh I'd love to meet her Just so I could beat her With an all day L.A. tow-away parking meter Damn, let me out of my car, before I need a new calendar Gotta make way for the street-clean-ar They clean it a lot, my God it's a plot, to take my parking spot I need a parking spot Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie ASCAP I OPENED UP MY HEART (AND MY BRAIN FELL OUT) The first time that I saw her, I fell down on my knees I wished I'd tied my laces, I wished my wine and cheese Had somehow stayed upon my platter, like the other party guests' Instead of splattering her pretty dress She helped me to my two left feet, through my apologies She smiled as though merlot is just what every Prada needs I said, �You just can't make tea anywhere, I mean take me anywhere No what I mean to say, is have we ever met tefore bidet?� I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I used to be so smart, so what's this all about I'm suddenly a simpleton in a flood of fear and doubt I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I babbled on and on and on, and on until she said �You're just too cute,� she touched my cheek, and I felt my face turn red She said to me, �Do you believe in true love at first sight?� I said, �I think I well I guess yes sure I think I might� I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I could not find the part that controls my motor mouth If she thought me a simpleton, I removed all doubt I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out We decided to take a walk, and leave the noisy crowd I tried to keep my witless words from coming out, out loud But the more I said, the more she grinned, and it occurred to me Could this be the way love's supposed to be? She opened up my heart, and my brain fell out Now I've gotten smart, for ten years just about I'm still that love-struck simpleton, that she can't live without She opened up my heart, and my brain fell out Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Don Henry ASCAP YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH ME He can give you a big fine house to live in He can give you fancy clothes and jewelry He can give you a brand new car, each day of the week And that's why you're better off with me He can take you to all of those exclusive parties He can give you stocks and bonds and security He can give you everything, your mama says you need And that's why you're better off with me He can dress you up like a fairy princess He can show you how to act and how to speak (and how to think) He can make you the pretty picture perfect, trophy of his dreams And that's why you're better off with me He's safe and he's solid I'm loud and I'm squalid He's the perfect gentleman But can he let you win at Scrabble without letting you know he let you win? Can he give you real love and real passion Can he make you laugh till the tears run down your cheeks Can he love the real woman you are, and sweep you off your feet? That's why you're better off with me Can he give you real love and real passion (I don't think so) Can he make you laugh till the tears run down your cheeks (That guy? Uh, no.) Can he love the real woman you are, and sweep you off your feet? (Ha!) Well that's why you're better off (Ha ha!) Well that's why you're better off with That's why you're better off with me Yeah, sorry about that... Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG (TO RECORD A 3-MINUTE SONG) I've written the world's greatest song, I put my whole heart in it It rhymes so good, and like it should be it's precisely three minutes So why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? Just turn the microphone on, I want to record my damn song I'd like to walk on in, say hi, hello, and then cut the chatter, get the show on the road Would it be an imposition, would it be so tough, to have the headphones working and the mics set up? Oh why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? I've been playing three chords all day long, I just want to record my damn song Now the band knows the song, and they're playing along Can we please punch in if I get a note wrong? Or maybe I'll keep it simple, just guitar and voice This song'll go platinum, but I gotta record it foyst So why does it take so long, who's running the board, Cheech and Chong? When we're done you can fire up that bong, but first I'd like to record my damn song Now everyone's got a studio in their basement But do they know a thing about microphone placement? And computers are great, I love integrated circuits But I don't want to wait, while you learn how to work it I got a question: How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb? Um... One! Oh... Why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? I'll have grandchildren before long, I just want to record my damn song I'm so proud of my song, and I want the world to hear it But waiting for pro-tools to boot up, I kinda lose the spirit It'll get lots of airplay all around the nation Once you figure out the plug-ins in your new workstation Oh why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? Another hour of my life gone, I want to record my damn song Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie ASCAP TAKE IT BACK Uncle Junior's getting married, it's a big surprise to us (Jack) We're invited to the wedding, and we need new clothes 'n stuff We ain't got no money, since Daddy got hisself fired (Jack) But you can bet your ass we got a tank of gas and a brand new credit card, and we're go ing to WalMart, they got all the crap we need They got weddin' clothes and panty-hose and everything's going for free, see We'll whip out that new Visa, with the thousand dollar limit Then we'll bring this crap right on back in half a hillbilly minute They gotta take it back, we get 14 days Put it back on the rack, and they'll roll back what we paid They'll credit our credit card, nine hundred ninety-nine That we spent on the big event, until we changed our mind Changed our mind, changed our mind We went and spent like the government, until we changed our mind Okay, we need six green tuxedos, a croquet set, sixty pounds of potato salad, a bigscreen TV, two outboard motors, twenty gallons of barbeque sauce, a case of Metamucil, a jet-ski, twelve sets of thermal underwear, the Hank Williams Jr. box set, four pogo sticks, a set of lawn darts, a six-foot cheese log, and thirty-five pounds of paprika... See Wally drove Mom and Pop, right out of business Let's hit him where it hurts, hey can I get a witness There's nothing wrong, with making the field level If you're gonna screw someone, hey why not screw the devil, and go to WalMart, hang onto that receipt Take back the dress with the gravy mess, yes that's their policy On Monday morning, everything's gotta go back Is it so wrong to return the thong, that's been up Junior's crack (Jack) (Uh, maybe... oh well) They gotta take it back, we get 14 days Put it back on the rack, and they'll roll back what we paid They'll credit our credit card, before we're late this time We spent it all, had a big ol' ball, and then we changed our mind Changed our mind, changed our mind We spent it all, had a big ol' ball, and then we changed our mind See, this is Uncle Junior's fifth or sixth or seventh wedding... he tends to change his mind too... so this time we're giving him a Chia pet, a set of plungers, and a big ol' box of laundry detergent. Mazel tov, Junior... tag her once for me! Cause just like Wally's customers, Junior tends to change his mind Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard ASCAP LOVING HER (IS LIKE PLAYING AT THE BLUEBIRD CAFE) Well I finally met, the girl of my dreams She's so lovely, but around her I'm a moron it seems My mind freezes up, when she's looking my way And �b-duh, b-duh, b-duh, b-duh� is all I can say See I get nervous, and I get anxious, I get the jitters, and what's more This feeling is a feeling, I've felt once before There's just one place where I go to pieces this way And that's on the stage, at the Bluebird Caf� When she is nearby, I'm suddenly onstage With everyone starin', I'm a bear in a cage I forget all those clever things I meant to say Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Caf� I panic, I get manic, I stutter, and I shake I forget my own name, and I hear my voice break I palpitate, I perspirate, and I lose my toupee Just like open mic, at the Bluebird Caf� When she is nearby, I'm suddenly onstage My tongue gets all tied up, it will not disengage The lights are so bright, my brain's a souffl� Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Caf� And I hope for a smile, and her kind endorsement But after three minutes, she calls law enforcement There's millions just like me, all waiting their turn Why should she choose me, when she's got Dan Bern? She's got Schuyler, she's got Knobloch, for a buck she gets Schlitz And golly, there's Dolly, with her great big... hits When she is nearby, I'm suddenly onstage I bravely step up, she says thanks, now go away I forget every rhyme, and each brilliant clich� Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Caf� And I forgot the three chords that I practiced all day Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Caf� Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie ASCAP STAND BY YOUR VAN A parody of "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette Sometimes it's hard to park your Hummer Cause your SUV is one big van It drinks so much gas, it makes you bad-ass Dang that thing's gargantuan Other drivers must forgive you Even when their tiny cars get rammed You push and shove them, so far above them Because after all, you know you can So stand by your van We know how much you need it We'll bomb Iraq to feed it Twelve empty seats, are cold and lonely Stand by your van And show the world you earned it We'll go invade Afghanistan So you can stand by your van Stand by your van Four-wheel drive's so necessary The terrain is awful scary On the streets of Pasadena Stand by your van Because you sure deserve it You're one fat-assed American So stand by your van Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie & Sylvia Mulholland ASCAP THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY STAR A parody of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" by John Denver Well the life of a star is kind of laid back You write a couple songs, cut a couple tracks Buy a big bus with a bar in the back Thank God I'm a country star It's a simple kind of life and it sure is fun Signing autographs and lying in the sun Polishing all the gold records I've won Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star When the work day's done and the sun's sinking low I get out of bed, I can't sleep no more And I drink a little coffee, sniff a little blow Thank God I'm a country star Well my financial situation wasn't doing too well All my darn money had gone straight to hell Brother thank God for Taco Bell And Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star Copyright 1990 Steve Goodie & Sukey Smith ASCAP |
THE NASCAR SONG Russell watched TV after his high school graduation Three solid months of ESPN Till his daddy told him son, that's the end of your vacation Go get a job, or we're gonna charge you rent So Russell got a job, got fired that same day A cashier he wasn't meant to be He went back to the couch, turned on the race And he said, hot damn, now that's the job for me So Russell got a loan and went to NASCAR school Where the future NASCAR drivers learn the one big NASCAR rule Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain't rocket science, you can learn it in one day Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight It's just like brain surgery if you take the brain away Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get paid Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get l... lots of money Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain't English Lit, you don't gotta write a thesis But if you make a wrong turn you're going right to Jesus So go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight etc. Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP SHITTY LI'L LOVE SONG Well I don't believe in Santa Claus, I'm doubtful about God Although I pray I'm wrong And I don't believe in perfect happiness a lot But I believe perfect misery comes along And I don't believe in the tooth fairy I don't believe in goblins and spooks But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you Well I don't believe politicians tell the truth Even when they swear they do But I believe they're a little bit like me and you So their representation is true And I don't believe all I read in the paper I often scoff at what I peruse But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you, yes I do I don't believe decorum is always the best thing do to But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you Yeah I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you I love the shit out of you Copyright 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP THINKING OF YOU Well she caught him red-handed with a Waffle House waitress Sneaking out the of Holiday Inn She sat on his car, pulled a .38 pistol Said look who's been cheating again He said it may look like cheating in a manner of speaking But in once sense I've still remained true Cause I'm not really sure it counts as cheating If I was thinking of you Thinking of you, thinking of you My lips might have wandered But my heart has always been true, always been true I was thinking of you, thinking of you How can it be cheating if I was thinking of you He said, I was thinking about your sweet loving ways How you always say live and let live I was thinking about your love of the good book How it says we should forgive Well just like old Adam learned a lot from one apple I've learned my lesson this time Cause I couldn't resist her, but each time I kissed her It was you I was with in my mind I was thinking of you, thinking of you Seems to me that ought to be Comforting news, comforting news I was thinking of you, thinking of you How can it be cheating if I was thinking of you Well she thought for a moment, and she pointed the gun At his new custom chrome GTO She put five rounds through the hood of his car And said honey, would it help you to know I was thinking of you, thinking of you If I heard you right, that should be Comforting news, comforting news I was thinking of you, thinking of you Yeah when I pulled the trigger, sweetheart I was thinking of you Yeah when I pulled the trigger, sweetheart I was thinking of you Copyright 2004 JR Russell ASCAP IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN ALABAMA I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough It was the special anniversary of the day she took all my stuff I was looking at the menu and the lovely pictures there The waitress said, "Can I take your order?" and I looked up and stared At my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House In a Waffle House in Alabama, I just sat and stared and stammered Revenge don't come much sweeter than that I wasn't quite good enough for her, and now she's cleaning up for sure Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run I just sat and thought to myself, "This could be fun" I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker?" She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica in the Waffle House In Alabama I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?" Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use For my ex-wife, cause I sure couldn't" Oh, in a Waffle House in Alabama, wishing to hell I had my camera Revenge don't come much sweeter than that She left me for another lover, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Soon after she'd taken it all and split it seems that the biker ran off with it Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam, to truckers and bikers in Birmingham I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit And I figured I should leave her a real nice tip So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write Next time don't leave a good man for a loser with a bike Or you'll end up In a Waffle House in Alabama, you got what you deserve, goddam ya Revenge don't come much sweeter than that Her brand-new lover took all her junk, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She was wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Copyright 1992 Steve Goodie HER SIDE, HIS SIDE This is the story of a relationship as looked at from two different perspectives... her side and his side. I'll be playing both parts tonight, thank you very much... with a little help from the Heimerz. Anyway, this is her side... We both were searching for someone new Someone to count on and lean on too And we bumped into each other And angels sang, and it was beautiful And this is his side... We met in a bar, man I was loaded She had a car, and a major credit card And she said... I swear it was an epiphany of sorts And fireworks really went off And Romeo and Juliet were unromantic sorts Compared to us And then he said... We met in a bar, man I was loaded I bought her a beer, she bought me a hundred Well loneliness is desperate and desperation messes with your mind And the path of least resistance will lead you to the least every time They met in a bar, the dice were loaded Cause drunken hearts don't know what they're doing They met in a bar Copyright 1993 Ty Hager ASCAP THAT'S WHY SOMETIMES DADDIES NEED TO DRINK Well the one that looks like me is banging on the pots and pans And the one that looks like her is swinging from the ceiling fan And the one that looks like trouble just dumped his ant-farm on his bed My youngest son just ran outside with his diaper on his head And that's why sometimes daddies need to drink That's why sometimes daddies need to drink Cause little boys amuse themselves in ways you'd never think And that's why sometimes daddies need to drink My daughter has a boyfriend who's living on our couch My wife lets him right back in each time I throw him out She says he reminds her of the way I used to be But I don't remember bragging 'bout a string of felonies And that's why sometimes daddies need to drink That's why sometimes daddies need to drink Girls go from dolls to derelicts quicker than a wink And that's why sometimes daddies need to drink I bet meditation or a beach vacation could mend my shattered nerves Maybe I'll have time for those someday But I need something for those moments like earlier today When my wife said we've got another blessing on the way And that's why sometimes daddies need to drink That's why sometimes daddies need to drink It's just our way of celebrating when that little stick turns pink And that's why sometimes daddies need to drink Yeah that's why sometimes daddies need to drink Copyright 2005 JR Russell ASCAP GRANDPA'S DEAD Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead I got some news I thought you ought to know Your grandpa's dead, so you can drop that fishing pole He's not going nowhere, he's staying in bed Maybe you should play croquet instead Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead I'm sorry boy, it's sure sad but true Grandpa's dead, and he seemed quite fond of you And no one else really likes you that much And poor Grandpa's pretty cold to the touch Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead... take it boy... Oh no, Grandpa! Grandpa! I want my Grandpa back! Oh Grandpa, wake up! He's not asleep, he's not turning and tossing If you shake him real good, you can hear the formaldehyde sloshing Grandpa's dead, he's six feet underneath Grandpa's dead, but you can keep on wearing his teeth Don't be a sissy, boy, you gotta learn One day you're hear, the next you're full of worms Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead Like I said, Grandpa's dead Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP SEAL PUP She took my Encyclopedia Britannica She took my hair gel, she took my golf clubs She took my self-respect, my dignity, my will to love She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup She took my favorite pornography Sure miss that DVD, since she left me She took our wedding pictures and she tore 'em up She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup Well she took the very life from me while we were skating on thin ice Cause love can be a hockey stick, hits you smack between the eyes And leaves you there to die She took my stereo and my TV Left me with her high infidelity She took my car keys, Grandpa's cremation cup She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup She took my heart out and beat it like a seal pup Copyright 2007 Ty Hager & Jim Blodgett ASCAP NEVER NOT Well without you wonder with you I'm sure But I'm never not thinking 'bout you Wherever I wander whatever I do I'm never not thinking 'bout you I stumble around like I got something to prove But I'm never not thinking 'bout you I mumble aloud, I got nothing to lose And I'm never not thinking 'bout you Sometimes insecurity makes me believe That you're not never not thinking 'bout me I'm just your toy, your little plaything You're not never not thinking 'bout me What do I do I'm never not never not thinking 'bout you Am I a fool I'm never not never not thinking 'bout you, yeah yeah How could this be You're never not not never not thinking 'bout me I'm going crazy You're never not not never not thinking 'bout me Never not not never not thinking 'bout me Never not not never not thinking 'bout me And I'm never... not... not... never, never, not... thinking 'bout... you Yeah I'm never not thinking 'bout you Copyright 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP HE KISSED HER LIPS I didn't think I would see her again, after he stole her away But I recognized her the moment she bent over that Shoney's buffet She turned to me with a tear in her eyes And she told how he kissed her sweet love goodbye He kissed her lips and left her behind for me I don't know what he was thinking when he set her free He's gonna miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me I pulled her close without saying a word, though I felt like the butt of a joke She dropped my heart in a bottomless pit, she was my handful of hope Still I'm not too proud to sneak through love's back door If I get to hold what I've been longing for He kissed her lips and left her behind for me I don't know what he was thinking when he set her free He's gonna miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me I swallowed my pride and my anger While she went back for rump roast and beans I took some comfort as she walked away Cause that end justified every means Oh he kissed her lips and left her behind for me I don't know what he was thinking when he set her free He's gonna miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me Yeah no one could miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me Copyright 2005 JR Russell ASCAP HANDLIN' MY MANDOLIN I've played in lots of bands, never got a second glance It's a sad sad circumstance, you'll agree Cause I play this little mandolin, and I always get left standing when The girls rush all my bandmates, and not me... it's sad... until tonight, that is... I can see her from the stage, and she likes the way I play She's watchin' me watch her dance in those pants she's in... she wants me... She wants to get me all alone, for a private show of her own Cause she knows I put the man in mandolin And she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin She likes the song I sing, and my extra-tight bluejeans She's a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Even when a girl's a good 'un, she might do some things she shouldn't She's like a tiger in a zoo who's busted through her cage... meow When an innocent southern belle gets an excuse to cut loose and raise some hell She'll borrow, beg and steal to get backstage... bless her heart Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin She's on the Trace Adkins diet, I'm a-gonna have to try it She's a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Now I know I'm no virtuoso Yeah I know there's those who play way better Still after the show, if she wants to rosin up my bow Well I think I'm gonna let her Cause she's scramblin' to be handlin' my mandolin... yee haw! My pickin's finger-lickin', and she done come 'round sniffin' And I'm betting you would love the shoes I'm standin' in Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin And later when we're alone, she might slide up my trombone Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Yeah she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Copyright 2007 Steve Goodie ASCAP FUGLY She's quite a bit heavy but don't care about looks She dies her hair blonde but don't care about roots She don't give a damn about you or about me She's F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She don't shower much, she don't care about stinkin' She's driven many a man to quit drinkin' After waking by her after a drunken spree She's F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She's F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She'll make you think real hard 'bout celibacy It ain't just her looks, even blind men agree She's F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly Well she'll give you a smile 'bout three inches deep She goes for weeks without brushing her teeth But she'll only smile at your misery She's F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She's F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She'll make you think real hard 'bout celibacy It ain't just her looks, even blind men agree She's F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly Well she's midle-aged lonely, and she'll stay that way Until she gets older and uglies away If she'd look at life different she could be happy Instead of F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She's F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She'll make you think real hard 'bout celibacy It ain't just her looks, even blind men agree She's F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She's F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly Copyright 1999 Ty Hager ASCAP WHIPPED You're more woman than I deserve I'm so grateful that you came along Cause now I live to serve Since you taught me that I'm always wrong I love everything you do Love the moustache that you grew My genitalia belong to you See them roasting on the barbecue Do you think I'm whipped Cause I buy your tampons all year round Now I'm differently equipped And you got me peeing sitting down Hey I think I'll bleach my lip I read Woman's Day and I'm proud to say that I'm whipped I love the constant way you talk I'm thrilled with one fifth of the bed I kiss the ground on which you walk And I got new friends just like Redbook said No I don't think you're fat I'd take a bullet for your cat A thousand dollars for a hat No I don't see nothing wrong with that They say I'm whipped But my bachelor party was lots of fun Though nobody stripped Diet Coke was fine with everyone No I'm never gonna slip Oprah every day helps me stay this way, and I'm whipped You get ten, I get one That's our perfect bedroom ratio You got me speaking in tongues But who has time for that pesky fellatio They say I'm whipped Cause you keep the car keys out of reach My manhood's been snipped And I feel so fresh walking down the beach Now I'm happy in your grip I jump through hoops and I do flips Bring your butt to my lips I'm a eunuch, okay, but I'm proud to say that I'm whipped Copyright 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP PAIN The slamming door broke his nose As his tears fell her laughter rose But she's not completely heartless She slid some tissue through the mail slot She said, "If you ever come round here again I'll have you hurt, I have some friends Who will happily break every limb that you got" Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore She yelled out the window, as he got to the street "Here's your stuff, I've arranged it all so neatly" And she tossed it to him But eleven floors can rearrange And an unabridged Webster's can cause a lot of pain Which he took on the chin Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore The feeling's gone, 'cept for the aforementioned pain Lost love hurts, but blood stains He wonders if his life will ever be the same He wonders how long the swelling will remain He wonders if his life will ever be the same He wonders if he'll ever breathe through his nose again The papers arrived today She's charging him with pain and suffering He's starting to think she don't love him anymore Copyright 1990 Ty Hager ASCAP COWTIPPING Smokin' embers at the bottom of the bug lantern Got me thinking how it used to be When I could spark that old flame in your eyes Well tonight you're gonna see a new romantic side of me I know a quiet place out in the country Perfect for a moonlit rendezvous Hand in hand we'll go running through the pasture While I whisper softly to you Hey honey baby, I was hoping that maybe You'd come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me Come on cabbage blossom, this ain't no time for playing possum Come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me I think all we need is one good shove And we'll fall right back into love Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me It's easy as 1-2-3 push Aw, doesn't that sound romantic honey Just you and me and another box of wine... Well sugar dumplin' you're being awful quiet But your eyes could burn this trailer down I guess you're fired up for a big night in the barnyard I'm only sorry that I waited till now to say Hey honey baby, I was hoping that maybe You'd come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me Come on sweet potater, we can fuss and fight later Come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me I think all we need is one good shove And we'll fall right back into love Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me They say there's romance in gazing at the heavens They say there's romance in whispering in the dark I say there's romance in you and me together Running for our lives after hittin' the leather All we need is one good shove And we'll fall right back into love Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me Copyright 2005 JR Russell ASCAP SEVEN SHALLOW GRAVES She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day She was in my best friend's arms, now she's in seven shallow graves She was in my brain, she was in my blood, she was in my DNA In my former best friend's arms, now in seven shallow graves The parts close to my heart are by my window in the backyard The part that wears my ring's buried by lovers' lane The part that dreams sweet dreams of me is 'neath our special tree And I forget just where I set what remains She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day She was in my best friend's arms, now she's in seven shallow graves Well the parts close to my heart are by my window in the backyard The part that wears my ring's buried by lovers' lane The part that dreams sweet dreams of me is 'neath our special tree And her cheatin' heart's at my late ex-best friend's place She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day She was in my best friend's arms, now she's in seven shallow graves She was in my brain, she was in my blood, she was in my DNA Now some guys are diggin' me a pretty shallow grave Yeah, they seem real pissed at me �'bout those seven shallow graves, yeah Copyright 2002 Ty Hager ASCAP The Pedley We come from monkeys we all know it we don't talk too much about it Ain't no real big secret we came down from the trees and now we're grounded Tommy, you have got some really big teeth I believe you've got thumbs on your feet Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee Somewhere somehow somebody must have swung you around some Who knows maybe a safari came into the jungle, kidnapped you, sold you to an organ-grinder who cleaned you up and made you dance around some Tommy, you dress up real weird on TV Buddy, you are just a goofy redneck to me And you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee Yeah you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee My sister's new husband was also her cousin They found out when she gave birth Cause when chromosomes linger you get extra fingers It's natural selection in reverse So what, caused, these flaws Was it a lack, of, in-laws Oh yer in-bred One eyebrow across your head When kin-folk wed Yer in-bred Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now Go and get something I ain't never seen And on the discount rack I see Deliverance And I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene Where they meet the hillbillies, and they're big and they're mean Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees It's Ned Beatty (Beatty) Ned Beatty Ned Beatty had the hardest part Cause redneck love leaves emotional scars I guess he didn't read, the script too far Ned Beatty had the hardest part Well I wonder what kind of parts Ned turned down Well I wonder how desperate he was Cause I've heard it's pretty tough in Hollywood But I would never let them tie me to a tree Screaming and holding up my BVDs Just waiting for Burt to come and rescue me Screaming "Hey Burt!" (Hey Burt) "Hey-ay-ay!" Ned Beatty had the hardest part If you got a purty mouth you can be a big star I bet the next day, his agent got fired Ned Beatty had the hardest part Copyright 1994 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP OUR BOY AND BUBBA Well we had us a little baby boy Our bundle of love, our pride and joy You know we're just as happy as can be Now he's crawling 'round the house And I don't mind not goin' out There's just one little thing that troubles me He looks like Bubba, your friend you said was gay He looks like Bubba, well I guess the world's a stage He's got his eyes, he's got his smile, and you can't deny the fact You and me are white, our boy and Bubba's black Well our friends ain't too much said a thing And your folks said well I'll be And my folks ain't ever been around Well now your folks say that's the key It's one of those skips a generation things Well I ain't found their reasoning too sound He looks like Bubba, your friend you said was gay He looks like Bubba, well I guess the world's a stage He's got his eyes, he's got his smile, and you can't deny the fact Once you've been with Bubba, you ain't ever goin' back Yeah he looks like Bubba, more and more everyday He looks like Bubba, well I guess I'm on my way Now it ain't like I ain't got a plan, now the truth has set me free I'm gonna move in with your sister You know her little girl looks a lot like me Copyright 2002 Ty Hager ASCAP |
ARE WE THERE YET? We're going off to Grandma's, it's a seven-hour drive It feels more like ten million, don't think I can survive We're barely out of town, I'm already bored to tears 'Cause I just chowed down, my last Three Musketeers Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas How many more miles, how many more minutes I'm strapped in my seat, don't wanna stay in it I know I know I know I know I asked five minutes ago Man, the time is going slow Are we there yet? My sister Peggy's teasing me, I pinch her leg, Mom catches me �We've got three hours to go precisely, I need you both to sit there nicely� We watch the passing license plates, call out the names of their states That's a ton of fun, five minutes max, I pull Peggy's hair, a sneak attack Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas How many more miles, how many more minutes Why can't Grandma come to our house to visit I know I know I know I know I asked two minutes ago My rear-end's just about killing me, so Are we there yet? Mom drags out Harry Potter, Peggy's reading it to me While the kids in their fancy SUVs, watch their fancy DVDs I play with the boogers in my nose, stick them to the car windows Then Dad says, �Hey, what do you know, I do believe we're here!� Now we're here � yes! Dad stepped on the gas No more miles, no more minutes There's a swimming pool! I'm gonna jump in it I hope the time'll go real slow Now we're here I don't want to go I'm gonna play and play and play all day We'll stay here till I'm old and gray Let's buy up land, Dad whaddaya say We're here, we're here, we're here! Finally! Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP GOTTA CLEAN MY ROOM Mom says my room's a horrible mess Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Like a tornado ripped through it from east to west Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room I love my mom but I don't dig her When she yells, �Pick up all of those action figures!� Much easier said than done Cause when I pick up my toys, I start playing with 'em Power Rangers, swords and zords Yu-Gi-Oh cards all over the floor Legos and gameboys, right over there I see my favorite old missing teddy bear Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! Hot Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom �Listen here, young man,� Mom calls up the stairs Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room �Don't forget to pick up all your underwear!� Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Now mom is cool but she needs to chill Cause this pile of clothes make a real good hill For parachuting down or hiding all day Why would I ever want to put it all away? Power Rangers, swords and zords Hungry Hungry Hippos all over the floor Space suits, Sponge Bob, hey what's that My one-eyed toad with the sailor's hat Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! Power Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom There's a giant inflatable dinosaur A great big Simba with a great big roar All the Lincoln Logs from the Lincoln Log drawer A life-sized poster of Dumbledore I got puzzles and models and games galore It's like someone blew up a great big toy store With all this cool stuff out on the floor Who could clean up? Uh oh, here she comes... I can still hear mom shouting up the stairs Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room �What in the world's going on up there?� Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room �If that room's not clean by the count of three I gonna lock you in there and throw away the key� �That sounds great mom!� I say thankfully �We're real good friends, my mess, and me� Power Rangers, swords and zords Tinkertoy pieces all over the floor Firetruck, play-doh, and a Halloween mask A huge pillow-fort, and Monopoly cash Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! The space shuttle! Vroom vroom vroom Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP HALLOWEEN The night is dark and real spooky Ghosts in the streets, white cats on the prowl Batman's chasing Joker, there's Martians in the fields Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl? Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts I can hear the beating of Dracula's cold heart If I didn't know better, I'd flee this scary scene But there's no need to panic, it's only Halloween I've come for candy, don't you think I'm cute? I'm walking 'round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don't want your fruit I'm on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass Mrs. P says to me, who's that behind the mask I say yeahahahahaha!�and that makes her scream Didn't mean to scare you lady, don't you know it's Halloween I've come for candy, that's why I'm in this suit I'm trick-or-treating and you're supposed to give me loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don't want no fruit We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out The porch has got a witch's broom, there's candles lit in every room Don't leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear Hey, where did everybody go? C'mon you guys, this isn't funny I really need to pee, c'mon, I'll give you some of my chocolate And suddenly the lights come on, there's a party here, should go till dawn I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong It's Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah Hey it's all about candy, yeah I know I'm cute All 'round the neighborhood I've been collecting loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don't want no fruit I don't want your fruit I want your Hershey's, I want your Reese's Don't care if my teethes, fall to pieces I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds I want your candy Happy Halloween! Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP HE'S A BULLY I meet a big bad dude when I walk to school He likes to make trouble and he likes to make the rules When he gives me those noogies, I don't stand a chance He hits me with spitballs, to make me dance He's got me so nervous, I can't relax And I'd rather get the mumps than to cross his tracks He's a bully He's a bad bad creep A stinky meanie, and there's no relief From the bully He's a yucky yuck creep A big old bully, just a big old bully Well he blocks my path and he charges a toll Takes my egg salad sandwich and my Hostess Ho Ho He thinks he rules the school with his iron fist If I look at him wrong I get the strong-arm twist He says if I tell on him, a bloody nose to expect And all the other kids laugh so they won't be next He's a bully He's a bad bad creep A stinky meanie, yeah there's no relief From the bully He's a yucky yuck creep Big old bully, just a big old bully Well I got so sick of being afraid I told my mom and my dad and the teacher's aide I should have done it sooner but I just didn't know That there's people who can help when a problem grows So we went to his house, my Dad and me We met the whole bully family The bully was quiet, so was his mom His dad was the scary one, and it started to dawn on me That this big bully gets bullied at home And I wished his dad would leave him alone I started feeling sorry for the bully And I stopped being scared of the bully And I said, �Hey! Mr. Lewis! It's okay... You know, um, I think Bill and I could be friends... What do you think, Bill?� And Bill looked at me... and he actually smiled a little... And so did my dad, and Mrs. Lewis... And then...Mr. Lewis smiled, too... and it was kind of... cool Now I can walk to school and I got no fear I got a brand new friend, and it turns out we're Not so different, not really different at all We can both get scared, and I don't need to call Him a bully Now he's one of my peeps He doesn't call me names, he doesn't give me the creeps I call him Billy And when we walk down the street We're buddies, good good buddies Yeah we're buddies, good good buddies Everybody, meet my new friend Billy... Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP NOT ME There's someone causing trouble, whoever can it be When Mama wonders who's to blame I always say �Not Me� �Are you sure it wasn't daddy who left Elmo by the tree? Cause it was absolutely positively certainly Not Me� �Who left the front door open? There's a stray cat in here� �It could have been the wind though I admit it's awful weird� �And who left all these lights on, that's a waste of energy� Let's start investigating, Ma, 'cause I know it was Not Me There's two words that I carry, Not Me Not Me Not Me Those two words never vary, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they're looking round to see Who done it? Well it was absolutely certainly Not Me Mom and I come home from shopping with our bags of groceries We hear some real loud noises coming from the big TV �Who left that cartoon running all this time on DVD?� It's another big old myst'ry, 'cause I know it was not me �Who left the bathtub running? I've got soap suds to my knees Who left the skateboard by the stairs and nearly clobbered me? Who's been eating on the sofa? I see crumbs and Ovaltine� It's sure a full-time job saying Not Me Not Me Not Me There's two words I'm repeatin', Not Me Not Me Not Me These two words can't be beaten, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they're looking round to see Who done it? Well I'll tell you, just as sure as sure can be It was absolutely positively certainly Not Me There must be an imposter, he's got shirts that look like mine A familiar face runs 'round the place and breaks stuff, then he hides When the pieces are discovered they all stare accusingly �Are you the one responsible?� I swear it was Not Me No he's the one who done it, he's the one to blame He's the offending party, and you can ask for him by name He's the king of all excuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me He's the one that I accuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they're looking round to see Who done it? Well I'll tell you, just as sure as sure can be It was absolutely, positively, definitely, unmistakably Unequivocally, undeniably, indisputably, irrefutably Most assuredly... Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP I'LL BE GOOD I think Mom and Dad are going out, aw the babysitter's coming in Are you going to the movies, are you gonna do some miniature golfin' Hey don't you want to take me, the life of the party who's tons of fun What do you mean I don't know how to be quiet, and I can be embarrassin'? I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll do whatever you say I swear I won't be a problem, won't do nothing wrong Won't be loud and crazy, please take me along And I promise I'll eat the stuff on my plate I swear I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll do whatever you say Dad says, �Remember that day at the diner, When they were out of what you wanted to eat You screamed, �what, no strawberry ice cream?' And banged your fists and stomped your feet� �Yeah, that sure was hilarious Dad Thanks for that memory� �Well, we did not find it amusing Everyone staring at your mother and me� I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll do whatever you say I won't spill soda, won't have no conniption Don't need no babysitter, don't need no prescription I swear! For the rest of the day I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll do whatever you say �Remember the shoestore, and the scene you made in there You wanted Velcro, not the laces, and you screamed and pulled my hair� I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll do whatever you say I won't throw my salad, won't throw no tantrum Won't be obnoxious, oh please don't abandon me I know how to behave I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll do whatever you say For the rest of the day C'mon make my day Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie, Louie Lawent, & Jacob Kantor ASCAP LITTLE SISTER (OOLY GOOLY BAKA HU) Every day I do, lots of different things I like to slide on the slide, I like to swing on the swings I like whatever new stuff, every day brings But my little sister's in a rut Jessie gets one thought into her head And she repeats it over and over and over and over and over again Can't she say anything else instead She's gonna drive me nuts, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, and then she laughs, and then she says Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears I think I'm gonna just go nuts It's a snowy cold day, we're stuck inside She's repeating those words and there's nowhere to hide If I only knew what the heck she means then I Might not be coming unglued I give her all my playdough to distract her And I let her play my drums and I let her drive my tractor But she still repeats the words just to make me go crackers What am I going to do Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again and again, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, I freak out when, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears Can't she ever shift her gears Ooly gooly baka hu, it's all I hear I think I'm gonna move to Zimbabwe Mom says �It's just a stage, she's gotta go through Let's try to teach her something else, something new� I say, baa baa woof woof oink oink moo Any animal will do Dad says �she's just like a broken record,� and then I say "Uh, what's a record? And how do they break?" Dad starts to laugh, and then Jessie says �Lima broka mekker too� Lima broka mekker, it's different, but then she says Lima broka mekker, again and again, she says Lima broka mekker, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears Can't she ever shift her gears She'll say the same old thing for three whole years Lima broka mekker Aaaahhhhh!!! I think I'm gonna go nuts You're driving me crazy! Would you stop doing that, please?! Mom!! Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP REFRIGERATOR ART We got a whole bunch of paper, twenty gallons of paint And we're slapping it on with very little restraint Teacher says we're great artists, yeah we're the very best But when I take it home to Mom, that's the real test Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge And she likes everything I make, so there's not one smidge Of space on the door, or on the sides or on the top And when we open it up, another piece drops So we're up to our ears in my genius Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge I got a tin can and a piece of string And a box of macaroni and some shag carpeting And with all this junk I create my masterpiece We're gonna need a bigger fridge, fifty cubic feet at least Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Where my collection is complete and unabridged I filled up the door, above, below, and in between Inside and out, we can't open the thing Seems someone's more interested in art than food storage So if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Refrigerator art, the fridge is where we hang it Refrigerator art, with a bunch of little magnets Refrigerator art, Mom can't get enough Of all my beautiful stuff Mom invites the neighborhood moms on in She takes them to my gallery, um, I mean the kitchen She's showing off my fingerpaint and cotton-ball clouds She's got tears in her eyes, she's so dang proud The other mothers smile at what they've been shown Cause they've got the same stuff on fridges of their own If Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge And she likes everything I make, so there's not one smidge Of space on the door, it's so fully saturated With all the masterworks that her little boy created So now we go to the bathtub when we need a beverage Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP QUITCHER WHINING! I'm bored... I'm really really bored I'm so bored, it's not even funny I say, �Mom... I'm bored!� And she says, �I'd love to help you honey� But when you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It's suppertime, and Mom's serving up the food And Jessie's plate isn't quite as full as mine She says, �Mom! I want more!� And Mom says, �I've told you a thousand times� When you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It's Saturday, and Peggy's friends have come to play And Peggy wants to use the Slip-N-Slide She says, �Mom! Where's my purple bathing suit?� Mom says, �That's it, everyone inside!� When you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It's bedtime, and we gotta brush our teeth And my toothbrush falls under the sink, way underneath I say, �Mom, would you kindly help me get my toothbrush, please?� And Mom says, �Why certainly!� When you're polite with me, it makes me want to do Just exactly what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Ask politely! And quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! And be polite! Before I get mad... and maybe throw something... And that would be bad... so quitcher whining! Quitcher whining! Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie ASCAP I JUST WANT TO HELP Well it's time for me to start helping out around the house I can polish silverware cause I'm a big boy now So I'm standing at the sink scrubbing off the stains Mom says, �Don't push that button!� �Oops, spoon down the drain� �No... is there something you can help your father do? I'll be clearing this disposal all afternoon� But I, I just wanted to help Mom, you shouldn't have to do it all yourself Just want you to know that you can lean on me Why don't you sit down and rest for a spell I just want to help I just want to help Dad's in the driveway, fixing the car Hey, I'll help change the oil, pass that funnel over h'yar And I'm pouring in the oil, and I lose my footing It splatters ol' Dad like a bunch of fudge pudding That's a bummer Dad, I think Mom needs me again I can hear her inside, doing some vacuuming And I, I just wanted to help Dad, you shouldn't have to do it all yourself Just want you to know that you can count on me I can help you do that job so well I just want to help Yeah I just want to help Vacuum cleaner's in the corner, Mom's on the phone She'll be so surprised I did this big job all alone Wow! What was that? �Oh my, oh lord� Our vacuum just ate our computer cord �Steven, be a dear, and go out and play If you help me any more, I'll be here all day� But I, I just wanted to help Mom, you shouldn't have to do it all yourself Just want you to know you can depend on me I'm not living in no hotel I just want to help Yeah, I just want to help And I appreciate, and your attitude is great But when your help doesn't help, I'd rather do it myself What?? But I, I just wanted to help You shouldn't have to do it all yourself Just want you to know you can depend on me I'm reliable, can't you tell I just want to help I just want to help I just want to help I just want to help Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP I DON'T WANNA GO TO BED It's 9 o'clock, time for bed, gotta put my toys away �Brush your teeth, wash your face,� that's what they always say �Young man, this is a school night, and you know what time it is You must be fresh for fractions, and your social studies quiz� But I don't wanna go to bed, I don't wanna go to bed It isn't fair, it's just not right There's so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you All the cool stuff happens at night I'm in my kangaroo jammies, with the great big pouch I'd rather be wearing daddy's shirt, hanging out on the couch �All my friends stay up late!� I'm pleading my case But I don't wanna go to bed, I don't wanna go to bed It isn't fair, it's just not right There's so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you Bedtime is for boys with no life Mom and Dad tuck me in, and hug me chin to chin I say �let's stop this kissyface, turn on Nickelodeon! Or Aladdin again, or teach my Slinky how to walk� That should keep us busy till two or three o'clock I don't wanna go to bed, I don't wanna go to bed It isn't fair, it's just not right I'm not trying to stall, just wanna hang with y'all And I'm really not sleepy tonight I don't wanna go to bed, I don't wanna go to bed It isn't fair, it's just not right I've been napping all day, who needs to sleep anyway Why don't we play Monopoly all night? �Can I have some water, father, can I have a cookie, mother?� With my flashlight and a comic book, I'll read under the covers I can't believe I fell asleep, they're shaking me awake Is it morning already? Oh Mom, give me a break! I don't wanna leave the bed, I don't wanna leave the bed It isn't fair, it's just not right There's nothing to do, I don't wanna go to school I just wanna lie in bed I just wanna lie in bed I just wanna lie in bed my whole life Copyright 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP |
STEVE THE PIRATE When Steve was a young man he set out to sea A swashbuckling pirate, he aspired to be He was young, he was eager, he was stalwart and stout But we'd no sooner put out from port then I threw my back out Arrr! Blimey, ye hearties! Where's Steve? (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to Steve But no chiropractor he turned out to be Arrr! On that ship he could find no relief for his back 'Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack Gimme that rum, ye lubber ye! Ye scallywag! Smartly there, men! Singin' yo ho, maybe Steve was mistaken This is a voyage I shouldn't'a taken Arrr! Arrr! Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me Shiver me timbers! Fasten them jibs, ye... Heave to! Heave three! On the second day out, his misfortunes did grow Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo Arrr! Arrr! He sustained several bruises, he lost a gold crown And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down Don't get yer booty where ye get yer plunder! Oy! Me mizzenmast! Ho! He suffered all manner of infirmity From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD Arrr! Arrr! He was bloated and moody, his skin was a mess If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS Wait in the lookout! Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as Steve/me He could not rob and pillage along with the crew So, the captain he gave me some filing to do Arrr! Arrr! But it did not take long till I did succumb To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome Steve! File this! Swab the poopdeck! By the end of the week all his mateys could tell My career as a pirate wasn't going too well Arrr! Arrr! Seems the crew took a vote when Steve wasn't around And decided that no one would miss me too much if I drowned Thanks, fellas... Where's Steve? Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits If the captain finds out I'm allergic to parrots Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Oy, me mizzenmast! (again) Ay carrumba! (and yet more incomprehensible pirate noise) He escaped just in time, we are pleased to report Though my plank-walkin' fate I did barely abort He washed out as a pirate upon the high seas So now I confine all my pirating to MP3s Arrr! Arrr! Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin' When Britney Spears I was caught catalogin' Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately, clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Mashed potatoes are good with oatmeal! (and even more incomprehensible pirate noise) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone... Copyright 2005 Andy Corwin & Steve Goodie GO FORTH MY SON Go forth my son, there's work to be done It's up to you to lead us in the new millenium So learn well the lessons that history has to teach And follow the examples of our forefathers Go forth my son, like George Washington Put powder in your wig and wear wooden teeth And sire illegitimate children, and stand up in boats And get your picture on a quarter Go forth my son, like Abraham Lincoln Drive yourself to work in a luxury towncar And every year on your birthday, put consumer electronics on sale And live in a cabin made of tiny logs America is a great big country With many fine stores open late It's got pizza and cell phones And fraudulent elections I'd have to say America is great It's an excellent place to be an American So let's all give a rousing cheer Of God Bless America, it's the land I call... here So go forth my son, with stalwart conviction An accident of birth has made you an American So always fight for what you believe in, every now and then And good luck tomorrow on your history exam Copyright 2001 Andy Corwin SOMEBODY ELSE GOT TO BE JIMMY BUFFETT I'm just a middle-class, middle-aged, middle-of-the-roader Trying to do the best I can do I got a fiberglass boat with an Evenrude motor I named her Margaritaville II I got a closet full of shirts that are covered in parrots My belly hangs over my belt Sometimes I get to thinking that it just isn't fair It's a rotten hand of cards I've been dealt When I tried to explain it to my future ex-wife She just told me to stuff it Oh the biggest disappointment of my sorry-ass life Is somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett I'm just a white-bread parrot-head wannabe poet Hoping for a night on the town I drink way too much tequila, but you would never know it Until I throw up and fall down Oh my head starts to swimmin' when I try and meet women I become a slave to my fears I guess you could say I'm horizontally challenged I haven't been laid in two years I have this recurring dream I'm on a tropical beach Out beyond the continental shelf But as the palm trees sway all the women ever say Is why don't you get drunk and screw yourself? Oh and when I tried to explain it to my future ex-wife She just told me to stuff it Oh the biggest disappointment of my sorry-ass life Is somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett Somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett Copyright 2001 Andy Corwin HOW COME YOU AIN'T DEAD YET There was magic, there was music, there was quiet tenderness You said you couldn't live without me, and you sealed it with a kiss You spelled it out in poetry, how much I meant to you And if you had to live without me, whatever would you do? Whatever would you do? Well, if what I hear is true You're doing Billy, Bobby, Barry, Larry, Fred, and Bubba too You said you couldn't live without me, like Romeo and Juliet Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet Life has not been fair to you, I know the struggles that you've been through And the responsibility you've lived up to, so little time, so many guys to do But just think, if you were dead, how great my life would be My lawyer tells me I'm your sole beneficiary You said you couldn't live without me, and it's touching to see such a devoted bimbette Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet You broke your glass slipper, but don't worry Cinderella You got thirty days to die or it's me, that's gonna kill ya I wouldn't be missing much, especially in the bed From what I can recall it might be better, if you were dead You said you couldn't live without me, I hope you wreck your new Corvette Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet Copyright 1992 Steve Goodie THE DOLLAR BILL SONG She took a dollar bill from her wallet, she picked up a fountain pen She wrote down the words 'I love you' next to the picture of George Washington She took the dollar bill to the grocery store, and bought herself a chocolate cake She gave the dollar bill to the grocery man, and she went back home to wait The grocery man gave the dollar bill to a fat guy from Baton Rouge He spent the bill at the hardware store on a box of flat-top screws The hardware store gave the dollar bill to a customer named Clive Who, by the way, is the son of one of the original Dave Clark Five He spent the bill at the laundramat, they gave it to a lady named Fran Fran's youngest son stole the bill from her purse and went to see Star Wars again The movie theatre guy spent the dollar bill on a subway ride uptown Three minutes later the bill was in the pocket of a gamblin' man named Brown Brown blew the bill in a poker game, he was fishin' for an inside straight The dollar went home with a man named Jones who was sitting on a pair of eights Jones took the bill to a savings bank, the teller's name was Dan Dan gave the bill to a customer named Rabbi Finkelman Singin' I am with you all the time, I can hear ya loud and clear Just give a tug along the line ya know I will be there Anyway the Rabbi spent the bill on a ham and cheese to go They gave the bill to a guy named Phil who gave it to his best friend Joe Joe had planned to spend it on some flowers for his bride But he was mugged by a junkie named Doug in the parking lot outside Doug's old lady spent the bill on a couple o' cans o' beer She eventually becomes a very famous poet but that don't matter here The liquor store guy put the dollar bill in his register but then Doug the junkie said "Stick 'em up" and the dollar was his again Singin' I am with you all the time, I can hear ya loud and clear Just give a tug along the line ya know I will be there He gave the bill to a girl named Jill who gave it to a girl named Flo She gave the bill to a real short guy whose name I do not know He gave the bill to another short guy who gave it to a guy named Jake Jake took the bill to a bar 'n' grill and bought himself a sirloin steak Well later that day I happened to say "Think I'll stop by the bar 'n' grill" The cashier counted out my change and handed me the dollar bill Well I ran to a phone and I dialed in her number as fast as my fingers could do I said "Baby, I just got your message" I said "Baby,I love you too" I said, I am with you all the time I can hear you loud and clear Just give a tug along the line you know I will be there I said, baby, you don't need no dime, you don't need no subway fare Just give a tug along the line you know I will be there Yes you know I will be there, baby I'm with you everywhere Copyright 1990 Andy Breckman IF I WAS YOU If I was you I wouldn't stay with me, I'd have left me back in 1983 I'd have headed straight for Nashville Tennessee, if I was you, I wouldn't stay with me If I was you I wouldn't stick around, I'd hop aboard the next bus out of town Change my name to a different proper noun, if I was you I wouldn't stick around No I would not stick around for more abuse I'd throw my hands up and say what's the use I call up all the airlines for a schedule of their flights And get myself a stylish set of matching Samsonites If I was you I'd leave me right away, I wouldn't stick around for one more day Instead of turning prematurely gray, if I was you I'd leave me right away Oh I'd leave me right away oh yes I would I would take this opportunity to stick it to me good I would hastily embark upon a long-overdue journey Leave the nasty details in the hands of your attorney If I was you I'd kick it into gear Cause you ain't gonna find what you want here But before you go would you get me another beer? Thanks darlin! If I was you I wouldn't If I was you I wouldn't If I was you I wouldn't stay with me Copyright 2001 Andy Corwin MY CONSERVATIVE GIRLFRIEND She's a real type-A, and she's over-insured Her favorite castaway, is Thurston Howell the Third She doesn't like big government so it's no surprise I can be her lover long as I downsize My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion My conservative girlfriend, every Friday we go liberal-bashing She's got the supreme court, tattooed on her rump Beside an autographed por-trait of Donald Trump And from the day I checked her out from front to back I knew her private sector could take up the slack My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion My conservative girlfriend, every Sunday we go Medicare-slashing Oh baby, I close my eyes and I can see you ordering breakfast You're having the spotted-owl omelette, whites only Come on baby, bust my union, raise my interest rate, light my library fire She only deals in quality narcotics and guns She's got a Mexican wallet made from real Mexicans My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion My conservative girlfriend, every summer we go wilderness-slashing Copyright 1995 Roy Zimmerman PASSING TRAINS A man is riding on a train, he's heading south, it starts to rain He hums a soft and sad refrain, he thinks he'll never love again On the other track a train, is heading north, through the rain A woman looks out her window pane, her life has been a lonely game Well, the two trains pass, they're moving fast Faces flicker past, for half a beat Their two eyes meet, and instantly they both can see That they were meant to be Yes it happened just like that, it hit them like a thunder crack Both of them had seen the answer to their dreams, passing on the other track So at the next stop he gets off, a love like that should not be lost He takes the next train heading north, he does not know she's done the same So they pass again, for half a beat Their two eyes meet But something's changed, it's not the same Now they can see they were not meant to be Well she knew someday it would have to end She wonders can they still be friends All the plans he made, all begin to fade As she disappears around the bend He will never, he will never be the same Deep in his heart she will remain As he hums a soft and sad refrain He thinks he'll never love again What do you think? I think he's gonna love again And again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again Copyright 1990 Andy Breckman THERE YOU HAVE IT, THERE YOU ARE I been slipping on banana peels since I got out of bed Running round in circles till my face turns red Falling out of windows, landing on my head It's a miracle of science that I ain't dead Ain't no use, hey can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me It's kind of hard to believe that I made it this far There you have it, there you are I been stretched like a rubber band, strung like wire Pumped up and punctured like a bicycle tire Last time I checked, my hair was on fire My car got broken into by the tabernacle choir Ain't no use, can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me You'd have to admit that it's kind of bizarre There you have it, there you are There you have it, there you are Now I don't like to make a fuss I say let the chips fall where they will But I'm starting to feel like Sisyphus Rolling a great big rock uphill I been stapled to a chicken and thrown outdoors Chased by ravenous dinosaurs Hit by several meteors I just ran out of metaphors Ain't no use, can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me It's downright irregular There you have it, there you are There you have it, there you are Copyright 2001 Andy Corwin IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN ALABAMA I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough It was the special anniversary of the day she took all my stuff I was looking at the menu and the lovely pictures there The waitress said, "Can I take your order?" and I looked up and stared At my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House In a Waffle House in Alabama, I just sat and stared and stammered Revenge don't come much sweeter than that I wasn't quite good enough for her, and now she's cleaning up for sure Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run I just sat and thought to myself, "This could be fun" I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker?" She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica in the Waffle House In Alabama I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?" Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use For my ex-wife, cause I sure couldn't" Oh, in a Waffle House in Alabama, wishing to hell I had my camera Revenge don't come much sweeter than that She left me for another lover, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Soon after she'd taken it all and split it seems that the biker ran off with it Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam, to truckers and bikers in Birmingham I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit And I figured I should leave her a real nice tip So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write Next time don't leave a good man for a loser with a bike Or you'll end up In a Waffle House in Alabama, you got what you deserve, goddam ya Revenge don't come much sweeter than that Her brand-new lover took all her junk, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She was wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Copyright 1992 Steve Goodie |
A parody of "Paper In Fire" by John Mellencamp Harry! Did you hear? They're going to have the Tri-Wizard contest instead of Quidditch this year! Care to put your name in the hat? Oh, Ron, you know Harry's much too young to enter that. Hermione, this contest'll be the greatest thing ever! What do you say, Harry? I'm sure Harry is too sensible to try to fool Dumbledore and the Goblet Of Fire... Hermione! You're positively... ...and Harry has more important things to think about, like whether Voldemort is actually back... He made the team, and boy it was a good one When he chased after that snitch, he was such a flyer But with the fourth year came a new competition When his name came out of that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, said he's a champion Goblet Of Fire, how did his name get in He didn't want to play, but he's playin' anyway Though everyone is older, dang Goblet Of Fire First he faced a dragon, with no help from no one And then he had to swim, that's what the second task required But that maze was bad, it went on forever And he saw old Voldemort in that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, said he's a champion Goblet Of Fire, now look at the mess he's in Portkey in the maze, took him so far away To Voldemort's soldiers, dang Goblet Of Fire Ah, Harry... I expected you'd find your way back to me in time... My Lord, there are two boys! And now there is one... for the moment... I have risen again... Yes my lord... welcome back, my lord... Silence, faithless cowards! And now... Harry Potter... you will finally get what you should have gotten fifteen years ago! Expelliarmus! Avada Kedavara! You're doing just fine Harry... Hold on, Harry... He fought the good fight, though no one believes him There's no celebration, no they call him a liar 'Cause a champion's dead, though Harry retrieved him Man, a lot of bad stuff went down, in that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, You-Know-Who's among the graves Goblet Of Fire, still workin' his evil ways Who's to say the way the monster got away He keeps on gettin' bolder, dang Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, Moody's been in his trunk Goblet Of Fire, Skeeter's some kind of ladybug Nobody's who they say they are on their resum� It's all on Harry's shoulders, dang Goblet Of Fire Dumbledore, surely you don't believe that this boy actually saw He Who Must Not Be Named? Not only do I believe him... I know that Voldemort has returned! You are just stirring up trouble! I'll have your job for this. I'm not finished with you yet, Harry Potter... Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie DUDLEY'S CRYIN' A parody of "Jamie's Cryin'" by Van Halen Hey, Harry! Come here, you little squirt... I never liked the look of you. Why don't you straighten your hair? You're a freak, you know that? And I hear that freaks should be punched in the stomach at least once a day. Hey, put that wand away! That's no fair! He was a bully all right, till his cousin Harry Made him afraid to fight, that magic wand was so scary It made him feel so mad... Stop it! Stop! No! Oh whoa whoa, Dudley's cryin' Oh whoa whoa, Dudley's cryin' Now Dudley's pretty large, all right He's all beef and cheddar Eats everything in sight Holy cow, he's a heifer He thinks he's real clever, yeah yeah He'll pick on any little kid whatsoever He says gimme, gimme some more pork rinds Till his clothes explode altogether Oh whoa whoa, Dudley's cryin' Oh whoa whoa, Dudley's cryin' Now Dudley used to know the score, but not since Dumbledore Made Harry a sorceror, with powers Dudley don't understand I'm not afraid of you Harry, you freak! You're not allowed to use that wand outside of school... Hey � hey! You're not supposed to � Please... not the wand... I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Don't hurt me! I'll let you eat your own dinner, I swear... and you can play with my Game Boy... and read my comic books... He wears a tent for a sweater, yeah yeah And he's got no manners whatsoever He says mummy, isn't it Christmas-time Cause he knows she'll buy him whatever Oh whoa whoa, Dudley's cryin' Ouch! That hurts! You're mean! Oh whoa whoa, Dudley's cryin'... Ow! Stop it! Please turn my nose back into a nose, Harry! I don't want to walk around with a cabbage on my face! Please Harry! I'll give you back all your books, and I won't snoop in your room anymore, and I'll tell Father to let you eat at the table again. Ow! Please! Ow! Oh, no, I've grown another tail! That's two tails in two weeks, Harry! Be reasonable! I never made you grow odd body parts. C'mon, we can talk about this, can't we? There must be something you want. How about if I feed your owl for you? Yeah? Cool? All right. What does she eat? What do you mean, my dinner? She can't have my dinner! Ow! Stop it, stop it! Okay okay! She can have my dinner, but I get the dessert. OW! All right, she can have the dessert too... Can eat one carrot? I can? Oh, thank you Harry. You are very fair. I am humble and grateful for my carrot. Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins ROWLING MUST DELIVER A parody of "Proud Mary" by Creedence Clearwater Revival I've read every Harry Potter book at least five times! I've seen every movie ten times! Did you know that J.K. Rowling is a woman? Duh! And it's pronounced �Rolling...� It is not! It is too! Why do they only release these books at midnight? Samuel! Stop pushing those children. We will get the new books when it's our turn! I've read every book in the series 'Bout Harry and Hermione and Hagrid and Ron But Rowling don't write 'em, nearly fast enough I need a lot more c'mon c'mon c'mon Young readers keep returning Big money you'll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver You take way too long to complete 'em I've read all the old ones a hundred times And I've seen the movies, got nothing else to do, see On the 16th of July I'll be the first one in line New stories keep on churning Big money you'll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver Mom! I thought you said J.K. Rowling would be here to sign my book! Virginia, I never said that... I said... Hermione! I told you to call me Hermione! I got me a wand and a broomstick And some glasses and an owl and a scar on my head Now Rowling don't you worry, you don't gotta hurry But you're forcing me to read some old Tolkien instead Big pages keep on turning Big money you'll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie DUMBLEDORE A parody of "Hardware Store" by "Weird Al" Yankovic Nothing ever ever happens in this house Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until an owl brought me the news It said I was already enrolled In a crazy magic school a thousand years old So my uncle I told, �I quit this household� And I laced up both my shoes But he said �you're not going anywhere You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair Your aunt and I, well we really don't care If you rot away in your room� But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised 'Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom I can't wait, no I can't wait They say I'm gonna be a sorceror I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore On the train I met a guy named Ron A red-headed kid and we really got along Making stuff disappear with our magic wands It was really really really really really really great Then we met this girl, Hermione Who knew every spell there is from A to Z And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately Old Malfoy showed his face Mean kid who likes to make trouble When he spots anybody related to a muggle And he calls them names, so we're gonna burst his bubble Before this year is through Now the coach has started slowing down And I'm getting off the train and I'm looking all around And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown Can't believe it's coming true I can't wait, no I can't wait Hagrid open up that great big door I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor Would you look at all of Dumbledore's stuff... He's got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you're feeling doomed and Potions that'll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape's acidic sneer and Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters I can't wait, no I can't wait I'm gonna get that evil Voldemort I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Voldemort Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie THIS DUDE RON RON RON A parody of "Da Doo Ron Ron Ron" by The Crystals I met him on the train that takes the kids to school This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He's got a whole bunch of siblings who are mostly cool This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he was just sitting there Yeah, he had this bright red hair And he didn't care where I come from This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He told me that he'd heard of me since he was three This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron But he didn't mind that I was a celebrity This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he treated me good Yeah, just like a best friend should And we're both here in Gryffindor This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron I swear, I can't decide if Harry is a worse influence on you, Ron, or if you're the bad influence on Harry! Maybe it's you, Hermione... did you ever think how much happier we'd both be if you quit nagging us to study? C'mon Harry, let's go watch Moody turn Draco into a ferret again! One day when we were talking on the castle lawn This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Draco started making fun of Ron's poor mom This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he tried to pick a fight And I was right there by Ron's side, until Moody made a rodent out of that Slytherin For this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He's this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He's this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron... Can you believe Viktor crum is right over there? Oh Ron... he's just a boy... Yeah, the boy who took you to the dance. That's what it says in all the papers... now we have several celebrities amongst us... Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie MAMAS, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE MALFOYS A parody of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" by Willie Nelson Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don't let 'em be nasty or snotty or smug Let 'em be Potters and Hagrids and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don't let 'em think that they run everything Just because of their old wizard blood Most wizards are easy to love, but some of 'em ain't Most of 'em are tons of fun, but some's a big pain Great big old egos and cold evil eyes You can't trust a thing that they say If his name is Draco and he's walkin' by You turn and you just walk away Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don't let 'em pick fights, and drive other kids nuts Let 'em be Weasleys and Grangers and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Cause when they get grown they can often be prone To be real pains in the butt Malfoys like picking on kids who are part-muggle born They think they're superior, but they're woefully misinformed They're cold on the inside, they lean toward the dark side They're rotten old jerks to the core For more on the subject, might I suggest You check with their pal, Voldemort Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don't let 'em be creepy belligerent thugs Let 'em drop dead, is that asking too much? Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Cause when they get grown they can often be prone To be real pains in the butt Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don't let 'em be nasty or snotty or smug Let 'em be Potters and Hagrids and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys That old Hogwarts school never saw such a... Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie HERMIONE / FLY A parody of "Her Majesty" by The Beatles, and a parody of "Fly" by Hilary Duff Hermione's a pretty nice girl, but she's got an awful lot to say Hermione's a pretty nice girl, and she'll be a witch someday I tried to tell her that I love her a lot, but she turned me into a newt one time Hermione's a pretty nice girl, someday I'm gonna make her mine, oh yeah And someday I'll write a punchline Harry Potter, feels a little strange As he's been growing older He's a wizard, which his family hates He knows he's so out of place Then Hagrid came a-calling Took Harry off to school Now he's got a wand and And best of all, he can Fly Soaring up above the school so fast and far away He can fly Forget about his suffering and his muggle life That boy can fly Cause it's his time Time to fly Those rotten Dursleys, you left them somewhere else You've got Ron and me, Hermione, now And when you study, you study magic spells So much better than history now The Quidditch Cup is calling Can you win for Gryffindor? You're younger and smaller But you can take it all Fly You know you've got the heart and moves and guts it takes to play You can fly Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids And get that snitch Cause it's your time Time to fly And far and wide your name is known It's the price you have to pay For beating Voldemort years ago You fought him better than anyone else Harry Potter, how your life has changed Don't you feel ten years older Take a minute, try to acclimate Let go of yesterday Fly... Soaring up above the school so fast and far away You can fly... Forget about your suffering and your muggle life That boy can fly Fly... Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids And get that snitch Cause it's your time Time to fly Harry Potter, feels a little strange Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo WALK ON THE WONKA SIDE A parody of "Walk On The Wild Side" by Lou Reed How many toothpaste caps did you put on today, Dad? Eight thousand and twelve. Wow! That's amazing. You must have made a ton of money! You'd think so, wouldn't you? Come on Charlie... let your father rest... Charlie came from nowhere, you might say Couldn't afford no chocolate bars, no way Every day, just cabbage soup While his dad was capping toothpaste tubes He says, �Hey Dad, take a walk on the Wonka side� He says, �Hey Dad, that Wonka's a wild guy� Happy birthday, Charlie! Thanks, everybody! Here's your present, Charlie. Is it chocolate? You know it is! Go ahead, open it! Okay... wow! Candy came to Charlie just once a year With nuts! Though every day he walked past the chocolatier �I gotta get a break,� he said �Gotta get my grandpa out of bed� He says �Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side� I said, �Hey Grandpa, I got a ticket inside� And the little folks go, Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp... Grandpa! I won! Will you come with me to the chocolate factory, Grandpa? Charlie, I haven't been out of bed in twenty years... So Grandpa Joe took Charlie to the factor-ay I don't even have any clothes! Grandpa looked quite fetching in his negligee There was chocolate here and chocolate there And there's Grandpa Joe in his underwear He says �Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side� I said, �Hey Joe, gotta get on his good side� Welcome everyone! Look Grandpa! It's just amazing, Charlie, isn't it?! I want a grandpa, Daddy! Augustus is just floating away Oy... And Violet has become a blueberr-ay Mike is on a little TV And Veruca's a real bad nut indeed They said, �Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side� I said, �Hey honey, that Wonka's a wild guy� And the little folks say, Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp... Grandpa, I don't think Augustus should be drinking right out of the chocolate river like that... No, Charlie... I think he's going to wind up swimming. And right after eating! That can't be good. And what about that little girl who's the size of a house? I think she bit off more than she could chew. She sure did! Do you think Mike will be all right? He's so small now. Sure, a little TV exposure never hurt anyone. Look at Gary Coleman. Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo WONKA GOLD A parody of "Blvd. Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day Chocolates! Cream filled, caramel covered marshmallow fudge delights! Toffee, peanut brittle, lollipops, bubblegum, everything you want, right here! What's the matter young man? Don't you like chocolate? I'm just a lonely bloke, my parents got no cash, we're always broke Got my Grandpa Joe, but he just lays in bed, and we're skin and bones I can't afford no sweets, there's little chance that I will overeat Until one lucky day, a ticket comes my way, and it's Wonka gold It's Wonka gold, it's Wonka gold It's Wonka gold, it's Wonka My Grandpa's the only one that walks beside me Marshmallow tarts're among the things I'm eating Sometimes I think of how I once was hungry Till I found Wonka gold Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka Wonka, Wonka, Wonka On the assembly line, Oompa Loompas work the overtime They're only two-foot-nine, and they all work for me cause I'm Wonka gold The other kids declined to follow rules and read the warning signs They went one at a time, and oh I'm still alive, and I'm Wonka gold I'm Wonka gold, I'm Wonka gold I'm Wonka gold, thanks Wonka My Grandpa's the only one that walks beside me My fellow kids are gone and barely breathing Sometimes I think of how I once was hungry But now I'm Wonka gold Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka Wonka, Wonka, I'm Wonka gold, thanks Wonka Where have all the children gone? They all disappeared, Mr. Wonka. All of them? Every last one? All except Charlie � he's still here. Why yes, indeed he is! Four bad little children, and one very good boy. And you know what that means, don't you? What, Mr. Wonka? What does it mean? You really don't know? Why, of course... how could you know? It means you win! Veruca was a creep Like Violet Beauregard and Mike TV Augustus fell in deep And I'm the one that's left, thanks Wonka My Grandpa's the only one that walks beside me We followed most of the rules and now we've beaten All kinds of rotten kids who need reminding That I'm on Wonka's throne Grandpa Joe, did you hear? I'm going to run the factory! That's right Charlie! It's a miracle! Look, Charlie... it's all yours... everything you see... the Chocolate Room, the Chocolate River, the whole factory belongs to you. All the oompa loompas will be working for you. Everyone in the world will know your name, and your chocolate. You see, I couldn't trust an adult to take it over... adults ruin things. I needed one very good boy, a boy I could trust to do things my way... and that boy is you! Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo VERUCA A parody of "Luka" by Suzanne Vega Famed chocolate-maker Willy Wonka has announced that he has placed five �Golden Tickets� in candy bars sold around the world. The lucky finders of these Golden Tickets will win a tour of his mysterious chocolate factory, and a lifetime's supply of chocolate. Daddy! Daddy! I want a Golden Ticket! Get me a Golden Ticket! A golden what? A Golden Ticket!! A Golden Ticket!! Stop being so stupid and get me a Golden Ticket!! NOW!!! My name's Veruca I am your superior I live uptown from you You've seen me in my Halston before If I want something night or day I ring a bell and I get my way It doesn't matter what I want Daddy buys it, nice and prompt Yes Daddy gives me what I want I think I'm quite almighty I don't have to fight the crowd Daddy tells me I'm his princess I get stuff when I get loud I throw a fit and scream and cry Eventually he will comply He just don't argue anymore I want the whole stinkin' candy store So he just buys me more and more Daddy! I want an oompa loompa! Yes darling. No! I want five oompa loompas! Yes darling. And I want a chocolate waterfall, and a pet squirrel, and I want gum that tastes like a five-course meal but doesn't turn me into a blueberry, and I want a whole garden made out of candy where everything is edible... Yes darling. I heard Wonka say Five kids would see his factory So Daddy told his every employee To find a golden ticket just for me You see I plan to reign supreme So �Daddy Daddy Daddy!!� I shriek and scream Just don't sit there, dawdling Daddy call the limousine Just go buy me everything My name's Veruca And you are far inferior I have declared that you Will do my will and bow to the floor If you have something I don't got You hand it right over on the spot Just don't ask me what it's for It's not your business anymore Just keep on walking, there's the door I throw a fit and whine and pout And scream, �Oh Daddy I want it NOW!� You just don't argue anymore I want the whole stinkin' candy store You just don't argue anymore I want it more Give it to me, give it to me, baby I want it now, now now NOW! Give it to me! I want it, I want it! I want a squirrel Daddy! Buy me an oompa loompa! NOW! Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins THIS FUDGE A parody of "This Love" by Maroon 5 Hey, who's that kid? Dunno... I've never met him... He doesn't have any sweets. That's his bad luck, isn't it? Shh... here he comes... Hi guys. Hey... I heard all your grandparents sleep in one bed. Is that true? Yeah. Really? See? You owe me five quid. I was so poor I never could afford The treats down at the candy store The chocolate I was longing for Then Mr. Wonka made the world aware Five lucky, lucky kids out there Would get a huge reward This fudge obsesses me totally I've been denied too many times before And there's one golden ticket that's haunting me But I can't find it, cause I don't have no cash at the store Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh For my birthday I got chocolate For weeks I barely nibbled it To conserve what I adore Oh, but this year I went ahead and wolfed it down Then I found a dollar on the ground I turned around and got two more... and... This fudge has a ticket of gold for me It says that I will get the Wonka tour And my eyes are popping right out of me And I will rejoice, I'm not a passerby anymore Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh Don't really understand How I got to Wonka-land There's Oompa Loompas all around (All around, all around) I'll go full-speed ahead Get Grandpa out of bed Today's the day, they say Willy Wonka's giving everything away This fudge maker's giving control to me He says he's tired, he wants to hand it over And my head is spinning with disbelief Could I be the boy, who's gonna run the factory, yeah This fudge is gonna belong to me He says it's mine, it's too much to absorb And my heart is jumping all over me I said, "okay, I guess I'll take this candy store" This fudge obsesses me totally I'd been denied too many times before But this golden ticket stunt just paid off for me I'll be the boss, and I won't have to cry anymore Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie STEVE THE PIRATE An original song about a hypochondriac pirate Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Steve. Steve wanted to play pirates with his friends, but he was sick all the time, and he couldn't play. So he vowed that when he grew up, and he wasn't sick anymore, that he would become a REAL pirate. But as fate would have it ... When Steve was a young man he set out to sea A swashbuckling pirate, he aspired to be He was young, he was eager, he was stalwart and stout But we'd no sooner put out from port then I threw my back out Arrr! Blimey, ye hearties! Where's Steve? (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to me But no chiropractor he turned out to be Arrr! On that ship I could find no relief for my back 'Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack Gimme that rum, ye lubber ye! Ye scallywag! Smartly there, men! Singin' yo ho, maybe Steve was mistaken This is a voyage he shouldn't'a taken Arrr! Arrr! Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me. Shiver me timbers! Fasten them jibs, ye... Heave to! Heave three! On the second day out, his misfortune did grow Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo Arrr! Arrr! He sustained several bruises, he lost a gold crown And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down Don't get yer booty where ye get yer plunder! Oy! Me mizzenmast! Ho! He suffered all manner of infirmity From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD Arrr! Arrr! He was bloated and moody, his skin was a mess. If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS Wait in the lookout! Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as Steve He could not rob and pillage along with the crew So, the captain he gave him some filing to do. Arrr! Arrr! But it did not take long till I did succumb To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome Steve! File this! Swap the poopdeck! By the end of the week all me mateys could tell Me career as a pirate wasn't going too well Arrr! Arrr! Seems the crew took a vote when Steve wasn't around And decided that no one would miss him too much if he drowned Where's Steve? Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits If the captain finds out you're allergic to parrots Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Oy, me mizzenmast! (again) Ay carrumba! (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) He escaped just in time, we are pleased to report Though me plank-walkin' fate I did barely abort Steve washed out as a pirate upon the high seas So now I confine all me pirating to MP3s Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin' When Britney Spears I was caught catalogin' Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately, clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Mashed potatoes are good with oatmeal! (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone... Copyright 2005 Andy Corwin & Steve Goodie SACHIO A parody of "Domino" by Van Morrison All right... here's a little R & B, a little soul, for this cool kid I know, named Sachio... You might just be the world's best kid And your age is about to change You been two for a whole darn year now And now you're in pre-school range But there's no need to go hiding out You're so much smarter than the rest And man you never need to worry About being first or being best Oh oh Sachio You're just turnin' three years old There you go I said oh oh Sachio I hope this song is appropos I don't know I said oh oh Sachio I said oh oh Sachio Yeah, pretty cool riff, huh? Yeah, that's my favorite part of the song so far. But wait! Here comes another verse! You got so many friends You got James and Nick and Abigail and that's not all And if you haven't heard from me in a while You just give old Uncle Steve a call (Check with Dad first) I'll be over in two minutes We'll watch Scoob and Shaggy and the whole gang And if we get all loud and crazy, hey, man That ain't no big thang (Check with Mom) Oh oh Sachio I can't believe you're three years old There you go I said oh oh Sachio Seems just last week you were an embryo I don't know, where's the time go I said oh oh Sachio I said oh oh Sachio I just wanna, I just wanna, I said I just wanna come over and play with you Oh Sachio Oh Sachio Oh Sachio Ah ah all right Ah ah all right All right, yeah, yeah, Sachio, could you show me how to work this new video game? I cannot figure this out at all. I must be -- I don't -- oh man, you win again! You always win, so smart! I can't play with you no more. Well, maybe later, after the trumpets play this thing here. Now! One more game, real quick, before the song ends. Okay, go. Ready. Oh wait, wait, hold on, ,oh, you win again! So smart... I don't know where you get that... Copyright 2005 Steve Goodie BIRTHDAY MUNKY An original song about my pet munky! Yeah I've got a birthday munky, I'm three and he is too He likes to eat his birthday cake and fling his birthday poo Scooby Doo's his favorite, he likes to chase the ghosts He likes to dance in underpants and dig around his nose Birthday munky fling it! Birthday munky fling it! Birthday munky fling your poo! Got to have a banana, got to have a banana Got to have a banana My munky knows karate, I go to movies free And if somebody won't shut up he kicks some munky butt Oh I've got a birthday munky, won't take him to the zoo He'd rather spend my birthday kicking butt and flinging poo Birthday munky kick it! Birthday munky kick it! Birthday munky kick his butt! Birthday munky fling it! birthday munky fling it! Fling your favorite birthday poo Got to have a banana, got to have a banana Got to have a banana Yeah I've got a birthday munky, he's got a microphone He goes to karaoke and does "Like A Rolling Stone" He buys a round of pizza, some pretzels and root beer And when he's done his diaper's on somebody else's rear Got to have a banana, got to have a banana Got to have a banana Fling your poo Copyright 2005 Burpo & Steve Goodie |
QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Is that Harry Potter over there? Yes, it is! Right, our new celebrity. There's the new boy. Did you see his scar? I did - it's amazing! I heard he can break the sound barrier on that broom. Gerroff! Couldn't be! Yes, he can! Harry, you're the first first-year on the Quidditch team in over a hundred years! That's amazing! You're the best Seeker we've had in centuries! Oh dry up - he's not so big! Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I've never seen anyone fly like that! And he's just a first-year! Must be that Harry Potter! He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Hermione, how can Harry possibly see that tiny golden snitch from way up there? It's fantastic! Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Harry needs to buckle down and study. How does he expect to get through his first year, breaking all those rules? I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him Hey Harry, let's go see what's on the third floor, shall we? Stop! You can't just go sneaking around the castle at night! You'll cost Gryffindor a hundred points! Oh no we won't! Oh yes you will! And that's just what Draco Malfoy wants! 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Awww... I can't believe Slytherin lost to Gryffindor! I'll get you Harry Potter... I'll get you good... Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo IT SAW HER STANDING THERE A parody of "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles And how many mudbloods have been petrified so far, Mr. Potter? A-one-two-three-FOUR! Harry Potter, sir, you must not return to Hogwarts... it is much too dangerous! Well there's a snake, slithering Below the girls' latrine And I'm afraid to look, at the fatal monster's stare But my pal's in a trance, with three others, oh Cause it saw her standing there You see apparently, my friend Hermione Has been turned to stone, she's way beyond repair So I took a chance, way down under, oh Cause it saw her standing there Serves her right! Shut up, Draco! Well my heart went boom, when I found that room And I held my hand over my eyes Hello, Harry... I'm Tom Riddle. AND I'm Lord Voldemort!! Oh I stabbed two snakes that night Cause You Know Who ain't all that bright He thought he was strong, but now he's not so sure Yeah he's a nuisance, who killed my mother, oh Till I saw him standing there You two set up a distraction, I just need five minutes. Ready with the firework, then, Harry? I'd follow the spiders if I wanted to find something out. Spiders? Ewww... I hate spiders! Oh really? Listen, if you were hugging your teddy bear, and it suddenly turned into a huge, hairy, nasty, eight-legged beast, you might not like spiders very well, either. I suppose not. Well I felt so doomed, that I dropped my broom But then that red bird landed just in time Dumbledore sent you a bird to help defeat me?! Oh the whole thing worked out great And now Hermione's wide awake And before too long I'll be a full wizard I'm head of my class here at Hogwarts, oh Cause I saw it standing there Dobby is free! Oh since I saw it standing there You lost me my servant, boy! Yeah well since I saw it standing there Thank you Harry Potter sir! Dobby thanks you and thanks you! Make no mistake... I'll still get you Harry Potter... Oh yes! Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie HARRY'S WAND A parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains Of Wayne Mummy! Harry's picking on me again with his magic! Vernon! That wicked boy has done it again! Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, he knows he don't belong Harry cannot do magic outside school (that's the rule) He has to take all his cousin Dudley's ridicule (that big sack of poo) And then Aunt Marge runs her mouth, and Harry slips (gives her some lip) He turns her into a blimp, and the punishment fits (solar eclipse) You know he's not the little boy he's supposed to be Now he's a wizard with a temper and a magic legacy Harry's gone, he used his magic wand He's wizard-born, he's been waiting for so long His muggle family don't approve of sorcery He waved his magic wand and where oh where has Harry gone Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, don't try and correspond Dudley's mom don't know what's going on This phenomenon is beyond her lexicon Harry do you remember, Sirius Black? (I hear he's back) He helped Voldemort whack your parents way way back (helped the maniac) Well Harry rumor has it that he's made an escape (could it be a mistake?) And somehow the prison didn't get it on video tape (can he change his shape?) I know you try to hide your worry but you're really freaked If he could kill your mom and dad then you are probably dead meat The chase is on, he's out of Azkaban All those dementors couldn't hold him for so long Harry can't you see your life's in jeopardy Hermione and Ron say you should work on Lupin's charm Oh, Mr. Potter... I fear for your very life! Watch out Potter... it's a big bad Dementor! Malfoy, you're such a piece of - Ron! And that Hagrid - a professor? He's pathetic! Draco, you son of a - Ow! Yeah, Hermione... nice one! Harry's mom she bought it early on (very early on) But Black didn't do it, no they've got it all wrong (all wrong) Hey Hermione we gotta change reality You've done it all year long, now help old Harry Harry's wand... Crookshanks! (he's got 'em all disarmed) Harry's wand... Scabbers! (yeah Harry did it) Sirius can't you see Harry's got the remedy You almost bought the farm, but you didn't thanks to Harry's wand Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and FOW ASCAP I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA Shrek 2 Version A parody of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin Yeah, that's right, I'm Ricky Martin, and I will never go broke, a ha ha! I was a pop sensation I sang this song back in '99 But then Shrek 2 swept the nation And I got left behind Girls used to scream my name out Ricky please autograph my page But now a donkey's got my gig And a cat's got me upstaged Man that Puss 'N' Boots is outrageous! I'm on my way out I live in a a green Toyota I can't go further down All because of that stinky ogre With cash flow in the red I didn't save one iota The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hey, you wanna get this piece of junk off my lawn? You don't talk to me like that! Don't tell me how to talk, move your stupid car! I am a big big star, and you you you shut up! Shut up! No you shut up! No you shut up! Woke up in New York City With my back against a wall Where's my house, where's my money That green ogre got it all Way back in the nineties I was at the height of fame But someone ruined my career And now I'm naming names Bandaras is to blame Come on! I'm on my way out I can't afford diet soda I can't go further down I'm moving to South Dakota With cash flow in the red As that ogre gets in-vogue-er The money has run out I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hello, Mama? I need some money, please! I have no place to go and nothing to eat... Por favor Mama...! Girls used to beg to date me And they'd hang around backstage But now they see me on the street And stare like I'm in a cage Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on) I'm on my way out I 'm beginning to look like Yoda I can't go further down I'm a Latin Quasimoda With cash flow in the red I'm chillin' with Abe Vigoda The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota You're my manager, get me a job! Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do? I can sing... No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do? Can you type? No I cannot type, but I can dress up in a cute little cat suit... All right, that's it - get out of my office! I would look so good with little furry ears! No, get out! Here kitty kitty kitty... Corolla Whoa, green Toyota A rusted-out '82 green Toyota Yeah you heard that right, it's my house Copyright 2001-2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal and R. Rosa/D. Child I WANNA BE THAT MOOSE My girl has a moose on her bike He's a little brown puppet that she really likes And they ride along, together everywhere Yeah they ride to school, and they ride to the store, oh boy And I never ever thought I'd be jealous of a little stuffed toy, but.... I want to be that moose I want to be that moose Yeah it sounds real stupid but you know it's true I want to be that moose I want to be that moose If I could be anything I choose, I'd be that moose That little moose has it real sweet Cruising right down each and every street Yeah he rides along, keeps an eye on the map Oh he guards the bike, day and night, that's right And that little stuffed muppet is living the perfect life, oh oh oh... I want to be that moose I want to be that moose Gotta find out how they were introduced I want to be that moose I want to be that moose I hope I don't sound obtuse, I want to be that moose Well one afternoon I saw him crying Down by the moose lodge Cause every night she leaves him alone on the bike No he's never ever gotten beyond the garage So I think I'd rather be me than him Rather be me, rather be me Cause I can ask her out, and maybe she'll ask me in, no no no... Don't want to be that moose Don't want to be that moose Cause living on a bike, well, what's the use Don't want to be that moose Don't want to be that moose I'd rather be a platypus, than be that moose Yes yes, you're gonna lose that moose Yes yes, you're gonna lose that moose Copyright 2002-2004 Steve Goodie BEDWETTER A parody of "Love Letter" by Bonnie Raitt Hey! Honey! There's a letter from Ashley! Oh great! I hope she's having a good time. Dear Mom, I can't stand it here! Seriously, Mom... this place is full of rats, and there was a tornado last night... please come get me! I'll clean my room every day, and walk the dog... They send me off to summer camp, they say it's lots of fun I ask for the upper bunk, but I get the bottom one So I'm lying in my lower bunk, I tell myself it doesn't matter That the kid above me drank a lot, and I'm right below a full bladder Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter With my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat Hope you get this letter Mom, they won't let me use the phone It's wet in this bottom bunk, if this is camp then I'm coming home Get on the bus, bus comes to camp Camp takes four weeks, four weeks I'm getting damp Oh, no weenie roast, oh, no marshmallows I'm lying in the dark, wishing for an umbrella Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter I got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat And this big girl named Flufferpuff hit me with a soccer ball and knocked the wind out of me... And she wets the bed!!! GROSS!! Please Mom... please... I'm begging you... please come get me, and I'll visit Grandma and do the dishes and vacuum the entire house and practice the piano... Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter Got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat Copyright 1992 Steve Goodie and Bonnie Raitt ASCAP SARA I know this girl who's real real cool She's the star of the neighborhood and soon the pre-school She's friendly and cheerful all the day through Everyone likes her, and you would too That's Sara, the best little girl ever Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play You're best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you give me a smile I could walk a mile with no shoes Cause you're my friend too She won't yell in the house, she won't throw her stuff She gets real real quiet when Mom says, �That's enough!� And everybody wants to be her friend I've said it before and I'll say it again That's Sara, the best little girl ever Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play You're best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you sing me a song I want to sing along with you Cause you're my friend too Sara's the best, with the best little dogs One named Toby and the other named Roz She's cuter than a potato knish She takes care of Sachio and a fish named Fish She loves SpongeBob, and Aladdin makes her giggle Loves Lilo and Stitch, ha ha, and The Wiggles With Trinity and Annabel and Tommy and Max And Lila and Denise and Christina and Daniel Hey that didn't rhyme, I bet you noticed that I guess you better bop me with a wiffleball bat No no, wait, don't do that! Don't make Daddy mad Bopping people with a wiffleball bat is very bad And Sara knows that, cause her mudda and her fadda Would rather she smile and say, Hakuna Matada Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play You're best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you sing me a song I want to sing along with you Cause you're my friend Sara, Sara, come out and play You're best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you give me a smile I could walk a mile with no shoes Cause you're my friend too Copyright 2002 Steve Goodie BUY MY COOKIES Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads... Start your engines! It's that time of year... You see us coming out of the minivans Wearing our cute little uniforms And we've got boxes, lots of boxes You know the boxes You know what I'm talking about! 308, 308, 308 is so darn great! I want to go to summer camp, I would like to earn a bike The pretty pink one! There are plenty of prizes in the catalog I know I'd really like I want that, I want that, I want that! You see me a-boppin' down your street You pretend that you're not home Pretend that you're on the telephone Hey I'll kick your screen door down Buy my cookies, buy my cookies Guitar! I'm bringing my little brother Got my mom driving the van You have no flippin' out idea How serious I am If those brats living on the hill Beat me this time I swear I'll T.P. your entire house And I'll pull out my own hair Ow! Buy my cookies, buy my cookies Now I know you've got your excuses Oh, I'm sorry, You've caught me without my checkbook Oops! I just started Jenny Craig Look here Lola... I see what you've got in that shopping bag. And it's not cottage cheese! Remember that I'm nine years old I'll outlive all you all I'll hunt you down every street I'll chase you through the mall I've got eye of the tiger, baby I know what I need While you waddle into your SUV This Girl Scout's built for speed Buy my cookies, buy my cookies I'm begging you, buy my cookies You better buy �em Please buy my cookies Just one box, just one box Just, just, just one box, one box What? One of each? Uh huh... Wow! Uh huh... uh huh! We see what you're made of Folding like a house of cards C is for cookie, that's good enough for me I guess I could bring �em by... P is for pushy, that's good enough for me Oh yeah, we have plenty, uh huh, uh huh P is for pushy Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP POOP ON THAT My stupid little brother's in my stuff again He's wearing my brand new hat I went and told Mom, she didn't do nothin', well Poop on that My stupid older sister got a baseball glove And a brand new aluminum bat I got a dictionary made for Scrabble, well Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop on that I said, "Hey mom, can we get a dog?" But my little sister wanted a cat Well guess what happened, I'm cleaning the litterbox Poop on that My stupid old teacher gave me so much homework Cause I put some gum where he sat It took me ten hours, and then the cat ate it, well Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop on that Poop solo! Tommy likes Suzie better than me I heard him say that I'm too fat And then his mom took them to 31 Flavors, well Poop on that Grandma came by for a little visit She was bossing me in no time flat Now she says she's staying all summer, well... All summer... for the love of pete... July... how will I endure? Come kiss Grandma!! Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poopy doop Cha cha cha Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP THE PAJAMAS OF MY MIND No one really understands How bedtime rescues me The only math I ever do Is when I'm counting sheep The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh Hot chocolate swims around me I'm fluffy flying free, fluffy I'm a floating marshmallow In my jammies with the feet The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh The pajamas of my mind Wishing makes it mine I'm blowing hopscotch bubbles I'm frittering my time The pajamas of my mind Grownups wait in line I'm flying purple roller blades I'm frittering my time The pajamas of my mind Ahhhh The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh Solitary mind, solitary mind Hari krishna, krishna krishna Hari hari Oo oh gee I'm sorry Would you like to play Atari Not even in Tucumcari For Halloween I'm Mata Hari Like my dad's brand new Ferrari I voted for Marion Bar-ry Who drives a '94 Volare He's a cracker jack There's no such thing as a '94 Volare They stopped making 'm in '79 Creative license Mine has been revoked! I'm not just a rock star, I'm an artist! I'm not just Mayor McCheese, I'm a cultural i-con-vict I'm not an actor, But I play one on TV I'm not a headphone, But I am stuck in your ear Don't hate me because I'm pitiful There goes a guitar down the street My name is Luca Choo choo! Like almond rooca Hey, bull... Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP TALK IN ESPANOL Muffin, we better practice if we're gonna get our Spanish-speaking merit badge! That's right everybody! Spanish class is in session! We're gonna talk in Espanol We're gonna talk in Espanol We're gonna talk in Espanol We're gonna talk in Espanol We're gonna talk in Espanol We're gonna talk in Espanol Can you say hola? Hola! Como esta? Como esta! Taco? Taco! Chalupa? Chalupa! That's very very very good... Talk in Espanol! That's how we talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol Pop quiz #1 That's how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol, oh yeah We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol Pop quiz #2 That's how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol (even the dog) We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol Pop quiz #3 Ba la la la, La Bamba Ba la la la, La Bamba Say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay Ba la La Bamba Ba la La Bamba Ba la La Bamba Chalupa... Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD - live A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP |
YOU STINK GEORGE W! A parody of "I Think I Love You" by The Partridge Family Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba We're voting And right in the middle of the counting The whole damn thing gets screwed up In Florida they cannot quite explain How Double-Yew got named He's a redneck knucklehead But somehow he got selected Thanks to help from brother Jeb You stink George W! You stink George W! Osama I've got this nasty feeling Your family made a deal with This guy who has decided to believe He's our Commander in Chief And he would not talk about it When he got your family out Because he's just a trained baboon I think he loves ya! You stink George W! You stink George W You're what I'm so afraid of I'm afraid you're a dictator of A coup that there's no cure for You stink George W And you got your family paid off And it worries me to say It's always been this way We cannot tolerate evil-doers in the world. Evil-doers... they gotta go. All of 'em. Smoke 'em out! Anyone who would circumvent the democratic processes that we hold dear must be put up on a pedastal and... no wait... hang on a second... not put up ON a pedastal... they've got to be elected, THEN put up on a pedestal. He's not really the president Big cash is what it's all about We gotta kick that mother out Hey! You stink George Dubya! You're what I'm so afraid of I'm afraid you're just a gov'na Who's into prisoner torture You stink George Dubya! It's time that you were laid off And it worries me to hear You might get four more years Osama The Bushes and the Cheneys They only want to make you happy That's why they say, �come to our Texas ranch� It's the Taliban's western branch They want to stick around and love you So they'll hide you at their farm With Al Quaeda's new right arm I think they love ya! I think they love ya! You're linked to Dubya! I think they love ya! You stink George Dubya! I think they love ya! You're linked to Dubya! I think they love ya! You stink George Dubya! I think they love ya! You stink George Dubya! Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP MARTHA MY DEAR A parody of "Martha My Dear" by The Beatles This just in: Beloved billionaire household guru Martha Stewart was convicted today for her role in the sale of her stock in late 2001. Stewart was found guilty of conspiracy, obstuction of justice, and two counts of making false statements. Once in prison, Stewart will wear standard khaki garb, take communal showers, work for forty cents per hour, and make many new friends... Martha my dear Now they call this place incarceration, please Call me Louise Martha my love, don't ignore me, Martha my dear Whoa, you messed up, you greedy girl What have you done? Did you get some tips from someone? When you find yourself doing felonies You may find yourself with prison walls all around you Greedy girl Take a good look around you Take a good look, society Says you and me Were meant to sleep next to each other Roommate girl Martha my dear You're in charge of penal decorations please Get on your knees The floor needs a scrub Then you can decoupage me Martha my dear You heard me Make my bed up, you frilly girl Yeah, that's how it's done Let's you and me have some fun When you find yourself doing five to ten Surprise surprise you got lesbians all around you Frilly girl Martha my dear Though you spent your days on television, please You're stuck with me Martha my love Don't ignore me Park it right here Yeah, that's right, right here... All right ladies, lights out! Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP BREAKFAST IN A BOTTLE A parody of "Message In A Bottle" by The Police Just a Pabst away, from heaving on my feet, oh Another hangover, and just two hours of sleep, oh Moe's not open yet, I need my morning beer So I'm driving to the store, though I can hardly steer, oh I'll be an SOB to the world Anyplace is the place I pee in the world I hope that someone buys me Somebody should supply me Come on won't someone slide me Breakfast in a bottle, yeah Breakfast in a bottle One beer has passed down my choking throat I should have stocked up at Quickie Mart Beer and Scope go so well together One can make me {burp} and the other makes me {fart} Excuse me! I'll be an SOB to the world Everyone can stare at me while I hurl I hope that someone buys me Someone should Jaegermeis-me Dammit someone super-size me Breakfast in a bottle Hey, Chilly Willy! Breakfast in a bottle, yeah Good morning, Los Angeles! It's 72 degrees at the airport, 101 in the valley, with a 99 percent chance of early binge drinking! Woke up this morning, I don't believe what I saw A hundred million bottles, stacked up on the floor Seems I called some old friends on the phone Round three a.m. yesterday, now they're passed out on my lawn! Hey everybody! I'm be an SOB to the world AA gave up on me, hey girls! I knew that someone'd buy me A couple dozen Heine's How sweet that they'd surprise me With breakfast in a bottle Breakfast in a bottle Hi, I'm Barney, and I'm an alcoholic Hi Barney As you know, I've been working on the first step for eight years now, and today I can finally admit I've got a problem! I'll drink to that! It's a bender now, three days I guess A bender, wow, I'm in a dress Got a keg of beer that's bottomless Finding everything hilarious Taking bets who's gassiest Who stinks the worst, who drinks the best Waiting for my lunch to coalesce A bender now, I must confess It's a bender now, yes yes yes yes A bender now with all my guests A bender now, I'll drink to this A bender means such sweet excess Tomorrow I'll deny all this But it's a bender now, how Kafka-esque Working out pathetic-ness I think I might run for congress A bender, wow, so effortless A bender, wow, such recklessness A bender, wow, unconsciousness Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and Dave Smith ASCAP HEY THERE, GEORGY BOY A parody of "Hey There, Georgy Girl" by The Seekers Hey there, Georgy Boy Swingin' every state so easily You've got a magic card that You can use now for anything Just ask your dad Hey there, Georgy Boy Why do all the voters buy your lies You don't even have to try Thank God for the media You said you'd get the terrorists There's no place they can hide Except Saudi Arabia You said you'd get Osama, but I Think he's still alive Hey there, Georgy Boy You're the second Georgy to preside Cause Daddy wasn't satisfied With only one term, you see Nepotistically, you're in Georgy Boy Hello? Hello son. Oh, hey, Daddy! Did you see me on TV? I was on the TV! Yes, son, I know you were on TV. Yeah, seriously, Daddy, they put me on TV... Yes... I taped it at home with the VCR! Uh huh... Yeah, the twins showed me how to use it! Yes, W, I know all about the TV... And the VCR! Yes, and the VCR. Yeah Daddy, I'm all over the TV, I'm the king! I know... I'm on every channel! Look, there I am, there I am... Hey there, Georgy Boy I wish I had a dad who made me king You screw up every single thing But he makes it go away You've never been to brainy So you keep Cheney well hid Don't worry no one cares what you did During Viet Nam Hey there, Georgy Boy Nobody believed you'd get this far You've got your daddy's credit card And suddenly you're grown up With the world blown up Thank you Georgy Boy! Hey there, Georgy Boy Nice work, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy Wake up, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy Bite me, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy Good job, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy Way to go, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy You stink, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy Oh yeah, Georgy Boy Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie and James Ward Byrkit ASCAP DON'T HEAR THE BEEPER A parody of "Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult Mobile phones have come Now everyone's got one People going to the theater Can't seem to find their phones when they ring Don't you be like they are Come on lady Don't you hear the beeper It's that thing in your hand Don't you hear the beeper I'll poke you right in the eye Don't you hear the beeper You don't give a damn Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah The apocalypse will come If you miss a call from anyone Text message and internet And a camera and a little earpiece Text message and internet Forty thousand f---ing times a day Text message and internet I hear Beethoven start to play Text message and internet No one wants to hear what you have to say Gotta find my handgun Come on lady Don't you hear the beeper You've got the anytime plan Don't you hear the beeper Roaming nationwide Don't you hear the beeper Better call an ambulance Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Hello...? Oh, hi honey... Lady... look, lady, I don't want to have to hurt you... But I will... sorry. Lady, I need less talking, and more cowbell... Do you see this watch? My grandfather carried it around in his ass for eight years, and you are going to have to put that phone in yours for eight hundred if you don't turn it off now. Put it away, now. We can do this the easy way or hard, makes no difference to me. I'll tear your head off your body right now, and watch the movie with my granddaughter, and have popcorn and JuJuBees, and not give you a second thought. Turn off that phone, you rude bitch. You, with your beeping, can't happen... now... no... won't let it. Let me do a tap-dance on your caps... Cingular, Sprint, and Verizon They can really help you piss off everyone It looks like someone called the manager Excuse me, ma'am And he's here, and he's taking your phone We've received several complaints He yanked that thing right outcher ear I'll have to take this He took your phone and then disappeared You'll get it back at the end of the movie And the people stood and began to cheer Don't be a baby Come on lady We don't want to hear Your stupid conversation And she started to cry She ran for the exit She had to talk to her mommy And now it's quiet again She had to call the babysitter Come on lady Don't you hear the beeper Lady, these people have put their money down to see Walken talkin', and you... you... no... To beep, or not to beep, that is the question. The answer's a resounding no, no beeping, you bitch. Stella. Stella. Turn off your damn beeper now, Stella... Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP SOAP GETS IN YOUR EYES A parody of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by The Platters I like baby shampoo So what was I to do, oh My bottle had run dry My stylist said that I Should give Sassoon a try Shampoo, shampoo, shampoo, ah It said, "Lather, rinse, repeat" But were those words complete, oh no I didn't realize I'd be paralyzed When soap got in my eyes So I rubbed them and was heard to shout This garbage will not come out I knelt and prayed Please save my retinae And that's when I blacked out I blacked out Next thing that I recall I was curled up in a ball, oh The paramedics arrived I was hospitalized When soap got in my eyes Soap gets in your eyes Soap gets in your eyes Soap got in my eyes Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP BIG S.U.V. A parody of "Mercedes Benz" by Janis Joplin All right, uh, coming up next on the big open mic, we've got a newcomer, uh, everybody welcome, George W! All right, here's one I wrote just yesterday, thought I'd try it out on you, see what you think... All right... Oh Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV My friends drive Toyotas, but that won't do for me For a great big old truck, I'll give up MPGs So Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV Oh Lord, please provide me some cheap gasoline This thing drinks more fuel than my dang limousine Hey let's start a war, send in the Marines Oh Lord, won't you give me some free gasoline Oh Lord, won't you give me a place to attack The guys who send gas bills won't get off my back I can't find bin Laden, he's not on my map So Lord, I've decided to take out Iraq Oh Lord, won't you help me sell the voters on this They'll do what they're told if they fear terrorists Hey, I'll tell them dissenters are all communists So Lord, won't you help me sell the voters on this C'mon, everybody! Oh Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV An armored one, if possible, is just what I need Cause the people throw rocks when I drive down the street So Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV That's it! Don't forget to vote! Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP CHANNEL E A parody of "Act Naturally" by The Beatles They're gonna put me on the TV They're gonna make a series out of me A big big show, about a big nose wearing headphones Only trouble is it's on Channel E Well I'll get me a whole bunch of porn stars I might win an Emmy, you can never tell I'll be the talent, and the produc-ar Cause I can fake a fart so well Well, I hope you'll come and see me on the TV Then I know that you will almost see The biggest boobs they'll ever put on prime time Unless I get cancelled by the FCC We'll make some jokes about a murderer named OJ We'll mention that I'm now a divorcee Bring Bababouie, but we won't let him talk much Only trouble is it's on Channel E Well Jackie, he wanted a discharge And I'm told that his career has gone to hell My movie should have made me a big star Cause I can play myself so well Well, I hope you'll come and see me on the TV And watch my other show spoofing Pamela Lee The biggest boobs they'll ever put on prime time Only trouble is it's on WB Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP SOMEBODY FARTED A parody of "Get This Party Started" by Pink Hey! Do you smell something? Oh man, what is that? Who let go? Hey fellas, that wasn't me. I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted Whoa I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted Somebody just farted on a Saturday night Everybody's praying for the stench to subside Ewww Sending out the methane to me and my friends Someone's getting gassy from his nasty rear end It was Saddam! He got lots of ammo from the bear and the beans No -- Al Quaeda! He can blow for miles if you know what I mean I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted I'm throwing up, I'm heaving I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted It was John Kerry! Pumping trouser trumpet, breaking wind to the beat Oozing out his backside and he's right next to me Swift boat! BVDs are leaking as he's squeezing his blast Uh, flip-flop! I think there's buring rubber shooting out of his ass When you hear the thunder and you catch that smell License plate says "yo quiero Taco Bell" I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted It was the democrats! It was the democrats! I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted Yeah somebody farted Hey, it wasn't me, I swear! Making flatulation and he's clearing the room Why would I lie? Everybody's choking as he blames it on you It was the evil-doers! Pumping up the volume gastronomically Everybody's running from GWB Hey, where you going? He's your odor-maker, he could blow anytime Cause blowing lots of gas is the party line I don't get it! I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted It's coming up, it's coming! I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted Yeah somebody farted Somebody farted Yeah, smoke 'em out! Yeah somebody farted Hey. weapons of mass destruction over here! Oh, you STINK George W!! I love you Howard! I love you Howard! Ohhhh! Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie and Jeff Kobal ASCAP THE BALLAD OF WANDA AND DINO An assignment from the Blue Microphone company (see below) Wanda and Dino, shacked up in Reno Blew all their cash on a bottle of vino Their Pinto'd got repo'd, that sucker's long gone This here's the story of Dino and Wanda Fresno, that is... swimmin' holes and double-wides Wanda grabbed a spatula and greased up a pan Started flippin' flapjacks for her good-for-nothing man He was layin' in bed till way past noon, though his chores needed doin' So he didn't even notice all the crazy crap she threw in "What crap did she throw in?" I hear you say Well, some pizza crust from last Thursday An artichoke, so succulent And a big blue toadstool, in it all went A beatnik's bagpipe, chopped and grated Chewy, polyunsaturated A rancid porkchop, three hairs, blonde A blob of mustard and her favorite thong A muffler from a monster truck A 45 of Disco Duck Bunkbed, doorknob, catcher's mitt Hell, whatever was there, she was cookin' it She was cookin' up a storm, that girl To be sure her man would hurl Dino dug in, and though his teeth were gold-plated He took two weeks to masticate it Wanda had Dino hospitalized in Reno And it's soon to be a film by Quentin Tarantino Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP An explanation: In 2003, the Blue Microphone company offered a contest. Anyone who cared to was challenged to write a 3-minte (or less) song containing the following 25 words. The winner got a fabulous new microphone. This song did not win. Which proves, once again, that there is no God.
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HARRY'S WAND A parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains Of Wayne Mummy! Harry's picking on me again with his magic! Vernon! That wicked boy has done it again! Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, he knows he don't belong Harry cannot do magic outside school (that's the rule) He has to take all his cousin Dudley's ridicule (that big sack of poo) And then Aunt Marge runs her mouth, and Harry slips (gives her some lip) He turns her into a blimp, and the punishment fits (solar eclipse) You know he's not the little boy he's supposed to be Now he's a wizard with a temper and a magic legacy Harry's gone, he used his magic wand He's wizard-born, he's been waiting for so long His muggle family don't approve of sorcery He waved his magic wand and where oh where has Harry gone Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, don't try and correspond Dudley's mom don't know what's going on This phenomenon is beyond her lexicon Harry do you remember, Sirius Black? (I hear he's back) He helped Voldemort whack your parents way way back (helped the maniac) Well Harry rumor has it that he's made an escape (could it be a mistake?) And somehow the prison didn't get it on video tape (can he change his shape?) I know you try to hide your worry but you're really freaked If he could kill your mom and dad then you are probably dead meat The chase is on, he's out of Azkaban All those dementors couldn't hold him for so long Harry can't you see your life's in jeopardy Hermione and Ron say you should work on Lupin's charm Oh, Mr. Potter... I fear for your very life! Watch out Potter... it's a big bad Dementor! Malfoy, you're such a piece of - Ron! And that Hagrid - a professor? He's pathetic! Draco, you son of a - Ow! Yeah, Hermione... nice one! Harry's mom she bought it early on (very early on) But Black didn't do it, no they've got it all wrong (all wrong) Hey Hermione we gotta change reality You've done it all year long, now help old Harry Harry's wand... Crookshanks! (he's got 'em all disarmed) Harry's wand... Scabbers! (yeah Harry did it) Sirius can't you see Harry's got the remedy You almost bought the farm, but you didn't thanks to Harry's wand Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and FOW ASCAP SHUT UP A parody of "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul Tryin' not to scream, I don't know why I watch this show (Uh let me say) If you are going to sing (on American Idol) Then baby I'll mute you with my remote (remote control) I've heard you sing before, I'd rather get my head caught in a slammin' door How about you listen to Simon, please Shut up, now tell me, do you really have to go on forever (no no no) I think I'm gonna go load my gun Shut up, believe me you should go and pick a new, kind of endeavor (oh oh oh) Oh are you tone-deaf and dumb? Time's standing still Waiting for you (waiting for you) to be through (a-let me tell you now) You are so shrill That even my earmuffs (big fuzzy earmuffs) can't stop you I've heard you sing before They used you on Iraqi prisoners of war How about you stick to Karaokeeeee Shut up, now listen You have got no voice whatsoever (no no no) You're a ten on a scale of three million Shut up, I know your friends tell you you're good Well, whatever (oh oh oh) I don't think you're gonna go platinum You sing so awfully, I can hardly see Your score's too low to mention (a-negative, negative) If somehow they let you win I'll overdose on aspirin (no, heroin) A-b-b-bye bye b-b-b-b-bye bye Why do you do that, on national television Lady, c'mon now You're singing so flat, everybody knows that But you, I gotta tell you baby I've heard you sing before I'd rather get my face caught in a slammin' door Are you trying to torture me Or am I in some kind of purgatory This is not American Bandstand Your lack of talent is out of hand How about some vocal lessons, please! (please please please please) Shut up, now tell me Is this really how you, wanna be remembered (no no no) Even Shatner's sitting there stunned (phasers on stun) Shut up, now go and lock yourself down there In the cellar (no no no) And won't you please have that William Hung Come on (string him up now!) Shut up, now tell me Why you wanna go and howl, like Ol' Yeller? Stick a fork in you you're done (all done) Shut up, yeah I know I don't really sing, any better (no better than you) I'm so glad this song is done Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Paula Abdul ASCAP SHATNER A parody of "Shattered" by The Rolling Stones Remind me to explain to you the concept of the human ego. Kirk here. Shatner Do you have any idea the ribbing I've had to endure? Shatner Andy, Opie, and Martin Sheen are still surviving on the screen and look at me I'm in tatters, but I'm Shatner That's right, Bill Shatner My acting is alarming, my agent took up farming My life is just a flock of Trekkies on the street Conventions, people dressed in Klingon drag Ga-roupies, Shatner Collecting autographs, I wanna slash 'em, I'm Shatner Ga-roupies, Shatner Phasers and transporter beams, and me and me and me and me Look at me, I'm Shatner! Hey! Shatner I'm just getting fatter, bitter, sadder, critics flatter That Patrick Patrick Patrick Stewart and I can't give it away on Pay-per-view Big loser, Shatner I'm going down the ladder, uh huhh, but I'm Shatner Big loser, Shatner Kirk needs work and love and sex He needs a girl with big green breasts green breasts green breasts green breasts Don't it matter, hey, that I'm Shatner? Don't it matter Intruder alert! James Kirk. I like that name. Good. I like yours too. I like you. I wouldn't lie to you. Ah, Mr. Scott, you old space dog. I'd still like a Vulcan. Nurse me. Jim, what the hell kind of strategy is this? Dammit Bones, I need you badly! Thrusters ahead. Engineer, we need warp speed now. Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young. Only use it for medicinal purposes. You must learn to govern your passions. They will be your undoing. Do it! Kahn!!! Ahhh, look at me, I'm Shatner, I'm a... Shatner Priceline bought me some success, bite me Nimoy I'm the best I'm their boy, the end, the means, still surviving on, repeats Shatner And look at me! I'm Shatner! Yeah... Shatner Feed me batter, what does it matter Shatner Combo platter Shatner Sh-moozing, Shatner, Shatner Don't you know my hairline's going up up up up up Sh-moozing, Shatner I work in this town though I'm a shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck Sh-moozing, Shatner Sh-moozing, Shatner, Shatner I got a flat on the westside, a condo uptown Sh-moozing, Shatner What a mensch, a Tribble-trapper, I'm Shatner Sh-moozing, Shatner Almost won an Oscar, for bad toupee and bad actin' Sh-moozing, Shatner Big loser, Shatner Canadian... Jew... Big loser, Shatner Eh? Oy... Eh? Oy... Big loser, Shatner Kirk out... Kirk out... (No, no...) Kirk out... Sorry Gene... Kirk out... Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, Dave Smith, Mick Jagger, and Keith Richard ASCAP STAND BY YOUR VAN A parody of "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette Sometimes it's hard to park your Hummer Cause your SUV is one big van It drinks so much gas, it makes you bad-ass Dang that thing's gargantuan Other drivers must forgive you Even when their tiny cars get rammed You push and shove them, so far above them Because after all, you know you can So stand by your van We know how much you need it We'll bomb Iraq to feed it Twelve empty seats, are cold and lonely Stand by your van And show the world you earned it We'll go invade Afghanistan So you can stand by your van Stand by your van 4-wheel drive's so necessary The terrain is awful scary On the streets of Pasadena Stand by your van Because you sure deserve it You're one fat-assed American So stand by your van Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie, Sylvia Mulholland, and Tammy Wynette ASCAP I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA Shrek 2 Version A parody of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin Yeah, that's right, I'm Ricky Martin, and I will never go broke, a ha ha! I was a pop sensation I sang this song back in '99 But then Shrek 2 swept the nation And I got left behind Girls used to scream my name out Ricky please autograph my page But now a donkey's got my gig And a cat's got me upstaged Man that Puss 'N' Boots is outrageous! I'm on my way out I live in a a green Toyota I can't go further down All because of that stinky ogre With cash flow in the red I didn't save one iota The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hey, you wanna get this piece of junk off my lawn? You don't talk to me like that! Don't tell me how to talk, move your stupid car! I am a big big star, and you you you shut up! Shut up! No you shut up! No you shut up! Woke up in New York City With my back against a wall Where's my house, where's my money That green ogre got it all Way back in the nineties I was at the height of fame But someone ruined my career And now I'm naming names Bandaras is to blame Come on! I'm on my way out I can't afford diet soda I can't go further down I'm moving to South Dakota With cash flow in the red As that ogre gets in-vogue-er The money has run out I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hello, Mama? I need some money, please! I have no place to go and nothing to eat... Por favor Mama...! Girls used to beg to date me And they'd hang around backstage But now they see me on the street And stare like I'm in a cage Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on) I'm on my way out I 'm beginning to look like Yoda I can't go further down I'm a Latin Quasimoda With cash flow in the red I'm chillin' with Abe Vigoda The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota You're my manager, get me a job! Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do? I can sing... No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do? Can you type? No I cannot type, but I can dress up in a cute little cat suit... All right, that's it - get out of my office! I would look so good with little furry ears! No, get out! Here kitty kitty kitty... Corolla Whoa, green Toyota A rusted-out '82 green Toyota Yeah you heard that right, it's my house Copyright 2001-2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal and R. Rosa/D. Child BUTT CRACK A parody of "Love Shack" by The B-52s If you have a clogged sink, or a backed up commode Then you need to call a plumber, with butt crack! Butt crack yeah yeah Yeah, butt crack. I'm flushin' down a gigantic Subway (Southwest cheese steak!) But it's lookin' like it won't go away It's coming back up, no go away (no go away, please go away, no go away) I got me a tool box, and a big plastic pail And when I bend over you get butt crack I got me a plunger and I'll fix you up, honey So call me up, and pay me union money That butt crack is a vertical face that You can't forget, no never Butt crack baby, yeah, butt crack bay-bee Butt crack, baby butt crack Butt baby, that`s where it`s at Butt crack, baby butt crack Butt baby, that`s my two-pack Plungin' and a-splishin', splashin' and a-plungin' Wearin' big old jeans that are coverin' nothin' His whole back shimmies! Yeah, that old crack shimmies! Yeah, his whole back shimmies and his big old booty's moving around and around and around and around Everyone is swoonin', hey that plumber's moonin' baby Folks passing out cause he's got his pants down My neighbor's prosecutin', for gluteous pollutin' baby Funky little crack, that's my trouser trench Yeah, let's see, that's a snake out to the street, city sewage insurance, snake feeding fee, new sink trap, bondo, ace bandage... that's gonna come to $876.22... is that gonna be cash or...? Check out his cleavage, check out his tail Like a hairy old whale I'll hop in my van, and clean out your plumbing You stare at my twins, Cheeky and Sponge-y That butt crack is a vertical face That you can't forget, no never Butt crack baby, a-butt crack bay-bee Butt crack, baby butt crack Yeah butt, that`s where it`s at Butt crack, baby butt crack Hey, do these pants make me look fat? Listen lady... just for your future reference... you're not supposed to flush these, um, feminine products, see? Now I gotta crawl down under here, and dig out all these... oh, man... what a mess... oh yeah... Dang dang dang, where's your belt baby... Look a little harder baby. Dang dang dang, where's your suspenders baby... I can't hear you. Dang dang dang, where's your pride baby... Hey, I can't help you, okay! Dang dang dang, no, no more, baby (Look a little harder!) Dang dang dang, don't show no more baby Dang dang! Hey, do I make you horny? Dang dang! He'll show you more! Dang dang! Continental divide, baby! Dang dang! That's my butt. Oh God! I'm gonna be sick... excuse me... Butt crack, baby butt crack Butt crack, baby butt crack Butt baby, like a big hairy yak Butt crack, baby butt crack Butt baby, this plumber got back Butt crack, baby butt crack Plumbing is so bitching when you get to show your nasty little butt crack You know, tipping is encouraged, okay? Copyright 2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, Sukey Smith, Sylvia Mulholland, and The B-52s ASCAP DUCT TAPE Hello there, ladies... and welcome aisle 13 of your friendly local hardware store You'll find we have everything a modern woman needs to ease her troubled mind So your man has come unglued And you don't know what to do You thought you'd be with him forever You thought love alone could keep you together Duct tape, he'll never leave your side Duct tape, if properly applied Duct tape, gonna keep you satisfied Sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky, yeah (He'll have) No more late nights with the boys (No more) Chasing skirts and other hobbies he enjoys If he's not particularly sub-meesive Perhaps you need to try a new adhesive Duct tape, makes a happy bride Duct tape, true love won't be denied Duct tape, put the counseling aside Sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky yeah It can be black, it can be blue It can be red... oooh... Perhaps we've oversimplified Relationships are more complex than we've implied It takes understanding and compassion But nothing spices up a good tongue lashin' like Duct tape, when you don't see eye to eye Duct tape, he'll become a nicer guy (much nicer) Duct tape, when you take it off he'll cry (sfx, scream) Sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky ow! For all your adhesive and marital needs, nothing solves everything like world-famous Duct Tape! Use it for marriage counseling, celibacy, planned parenthood, tacking limbs back on... It's the clumsy moyel's best friend, it's the poor man's chastity belt! Duct tape... ask for it by name! Copyright 2003 Steve Goodie, and Jacob Kantor ASCAP LIVE PARODY MEDLEY A live medley of parodies of "Tempted" by Squeeze, "The Waiting" by Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers, and "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now Go and get something I ain't never seen And on the discount rack I see Deliverance I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene Where they meet the hillbillies And they're big and they're mean Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees It's Ned Beatty (Beatty) Beatty Ned Beatty had the hardest part If you got a purty mouth, you can be a big star I guess he didn't read, the script too far Ned Beatty had the hardest part I packed a toothbrush, some toothpaste Wiped a tear from my face Cause my boss told me yesterday That I have been replaced So I said to my old landlord "I can't pay for this place" Said goodbye to the neighbors Tore up all the bills Walked down to the station The bus rolls on until I'm back again, back with my parents Cause I'm broke and I'm, quite unskilled So I'm renting out a room from my mother My parents shake their heads at each other First the market fell, now I'm back in hell There's no other Renting out a room from his mother And hoping all my friends don't discover Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Copyright 2003 Steve Goodie, Ty Hager, Squeeze, Tom Petty, and Pete Townshend ASCAP BEDWETTER A parody of "Love Letter" by Bonnie Raitt Hey! Honey! There's a letter from Ashley! Oh great! I hope she's having a good time. Dear Mom, I can't stand it here! Seriously, Mom... this place is full of rats, and there was a tornado last night... please come get me! I'll clean my room every day, and walk the dog... They send me off to summer camp, they say it's lots of fun I ask for the upper bunk, but I get the bottom one So I'm lying in my lower bunk, I tell myself it doesn't matter That the kid above me drank a lot, and I'm right below a full bladder Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter With my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat Hope you get this letter Mom, they won't let me use the phone It's wet in this bottom bunk, if this is camp then I'm coming home Get on the bus, bus comes to camp Camp takes four weeks, four weeks I'm getting damp Oh, no weenie roast, oh, no marshmallows I'm lying in the dark, wishing for an umbrella Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter I got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat And this big girl named Flufferpuff hit me with a soccer ball and knocked the wind out of me... And she wets the bed!!! GROSS!! Please Mom... please... I'm begging you... please come get me, and I'll visit Grandma and do the dishes and vacuum the entire house and practice the piano... Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter Got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat Copyright 1992 Steve Goodie and Bonnie Raitt ASCAP NURSERY RHYME MOYEL A parody of "Nursery Rhyme Lawyer" by Throwing Toasters Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall And all the king's horses and all the king's men Couldn't get him a bris, but I could Jack and Jill (Jill Rosenberg that is) went up the hill To fetch themselves a pail of water When they came down Jill's father was upset Didn't like no gentile hanging round with his daughter If you are a nursery rhyme And you'd like to try being a Jew one time Maybe change your name to Chaim I can give you peace of mind Cause my service is one of a kind I'm the Nursery Rhyme Moyel Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet Reading Talmud all Saturday 'Long came a spider and interrupted her studies But my scalpel scared that black widower away Blackbirds baked in your pie They're gonna be gefilte-fied Your cow jumping into the sky When she's kosher she won't fly Give my services a try Never say "what a good goy am I" Hey, I admit it, I celebrated Christmas for a long time... you know, 'cause I like Knick Knacks and Paddy Wacks... and it used to really upset me when every Hanukkah season I had to endure the taunts from my Jewish friends... You know, "Ha ha, some fat guy's gonna come down your chimney and eat all your cookies!" So I called the Nursery Rhyme Moyel, and in no time at all I was lighting candles and spinning the dreidel. Thanks, Nursery Rhyme Moyel! When your cupboard is bare I'll put some chicken soup there Dish ran away with your spoon You'll get matza balls soon If you've lost your sheep I won't cut too deep Someone's stealing your tarts I'll stab 'em right where it smarts If your bridge is falling down I'll make you smooth and round When the bough breaks I won't have the shakes You know who I am I'm the Nursery Rhyme Moyel I was really really concerned that the sky was falling, and my priest couldn't help me at all. He just laughed at me, if you can believe that! So I called the Nursery Rhyme Moyel, and within two hours I was confident that even if the sky did fall, I'm chosen, and I have nothing to worry about. Thanks for the chutzpah, Nursery Rhyme Moyel! I fell off a wall, and the Nursery Rhyme Moyel sent me to Hebrew summer camp and got me planting trees, and reading Torah with ease. I'm in the jewelry business now, and I don't fall off nothing. Thanks, Nursery Rhyme Moyel! Copyright 2003 Steve Goodie and Grant Baccioco ASCAP J-LO AND BEN Who has J-Lo dated With whom has J-Lo made it Most of Hollywood to be sure So naturally this begs the question Who is the dupe du jour And now, coming down ze red carpet, we see ze fabulous Jennifer Lopez wearing a luscious Vera Wang... mmm mm mmm... That's right Pierre... and she's with her new boyfriend... now which one is this? I always get them mixed up, there are so many ... Now who could it be? Diddy did her, Damon didn't Some dancer married her for almost a minute One by one each prince turned to a toad And Cupid barely had time to reload Now it's J-Lo and Ben, fairy tales never end They just stop now and then and start over again He's a star, he's a hunk She's got junk in the trunk She's one ambivalent Puerto Rican, oh Beside every groom, there's always room for J-Lo J-j-j-j-j-J-Lo He has a Porsche (what a car), he has an Oscar (he's a star) He had Gwyneth but gosh, somehow he lost her Then along came Jenny, playing eeny meeny miney She ain't got no teeny weeny hiney No, J-Lo and Ben, fairy tales never end They blow up in the press and start over again Not since Tootie has there been an diva so rare Or such booty on air, so much talent to spare How do I buy a share, of that swell derriere... Sometimes she can carry a tune He looks good in his fruit of the looms (I'll say!) So when the heartbeat goes boom, Benny makes room for J-Lo (Better make room... better make lotsa room... Yeah, better add onto the house... that's what I'M talkin about) J-Lo, sweet idiot, on Oscar's big academy show J-Lo, illiterate, overrated Hollywood ho Copyright 2003 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP |
BALLERINA BY NIGHT Some folks might describe me as a quintessential man Branding cattle, mending fences, drinking coffee from a can But you know they're only half right, there's more to me than that. And when that spotlight hits the stage, I wear a different hat. I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night Graceful as a dying swan Dressed in leather and chiffon I ride the range all day Then at night I leap and I twirl A man's got to feel like a man except When a man's got to feel like a girl. I learned a painful lesson, I now know what occurs When I put my feet in third position while I'm wearing spurs Other cowboys mock me, I guess they find it hard To ride the trail beside when I wear my leotard. I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night You'll find me at the rodeos Wearing my Capezios Some folks think I'm schizophrenic and they may be right Cowboy by day, ballerina by night. Sometimes I feel like John Wayne Sometimes I feel more like Margot Fontayn When I'm not at the saloon, I'm stretching at the barre Hell, I am the most limber cowpoke that you've ever seen... by far. But I've got a problem, 'cause someday I'll have to choose Whether to die with my boots on or in my silk toe shoes. I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night When the working day is through I commence to pas de deaux I ride the range all day Then at night I leap and I twirl A man's got to feel like a man except When a man's got to feel like a girl. Copyright 2000 Andy Corwin BMI LIE LIE LIE - political version I used to be unpopular, I didn't have a friend I couldn't say a word that wouldn't rankle or offend I thought that being honest was a noble policy Since then I've found a much more electable strategy.... Lie lie lie, til you're losing your voice Lie til you're red in the face Don't ask why, you don't have any choice There are times when the truth must be said But no one's discovered them yet You say that you'll cut taxes boy, they say, "we'll vote for you!" You say you won't cut spending and they say, "have a term or two!" You tell them family values cannot be overstated And hope they never find your special friend who is inflated Lie lie lie, when you've become the president Lie regarding where the weapons of mass destruction went Lie to the troops when you won't bring them home And when you lie look them straight in the eye And say, "hey, I swear you won't die" Lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie No you couldn't find bin Laden, So you said you wanted Saddam, lie lie lie Lie lie lie, your foreign policy is stunning, And all your jokes are funny, lie lie lie Lie lie lie, the war on terror's winnable, The truth is always spinnable, lie lie Lie lie lie, you can get by on your talents, Fox news is fair and balanced, lie lie Lie lie lie, your rhetoric's believable, And my virginity's retrievable, lie lie Lie lie lie to your family and friends Lie lie lie to your constituents Lie to get by, like a good republican There are times when the truth must be said But no one's discovered them yet No one's discovered them yet Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie, Jacob Kantor, and Andy Corwin ASCAP ACTUAL SIZE I never claimed to be well endowed There's nothing that makes me stand out from the crowd It ain't my intention to tell you some lies Or to misrepresent my actual size Actual size, Actual size I try to be honest when I advertise Because I don't want it to be a surprise If'n you feast your eyes on my actual size There was this girl that I dated last fall She told me that size didn't matter at all But when I applauded her for what she said She added, "except, of course, when you're in bed" Actual size, Actual size Hey, lets hear it for average guys I didn't come here to proselytize Just to speak out in favor of actual size Well, yeah, I'll admit the temptation is there To exaggerate what's in your underwear But if you think you need to conceal all your flaws Then you're just like them women that wear padded bras Actual size, Actual size There ain't no reason to wear a disguise Be proud of your (you know) and don't stigmatize Yourself for being actual size Actual size, Actual size Beauty resides in the beholder's eyes Let all of them other dumb jocks fantasize Stand erect and be proud of your actual size Copyright 2000 Andy Corwin BMI EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF When your heart is heavy When the night has been too long When every road you choose Muddies up your shoes And leads you wrong When you're cold and lonely When your rope is at its end When darkness clouds the skies And tears fill your eyes When you just need a friend Don't look at me Wipe your own damn nose And if I've kept you down or made you cry Or trampled all your hopes and dreams Well, that's the way it goes In heaven there's no hate or war In heaven no one's hungry or poor In heaven they hold hands evermore But we're on earth And here on earth It's everyman for himself When you're a Black, Chicano, Native-American, Jewish lesbian folk singer And this morning when you woke up you hit your head on the steering wheel You're shoulder deep in s--- And you just wanna quit I know how you can get a handgun without the usual background check Get off my lawn Pay your rent on time And if I hire illegals to build a wall around my property It's just 'cause I'm Tough on crime In heaven there's no fear or need In heaven no one's rabid with greed In heaven you get laid guaranteed But we're on earth And here on earth It's everyman for himself Copyright 1995 Roy Zimmerman, Watunes BMI AN AGNOSTIC GOSPEL SONG There is a train, train, train Copyright 2000 Andy Corwin BMI Copyright 2000 Andy Corwin BMI He's been travelin' hard Copyright 2000 Andy Corwin BMI This is a song about nothing Copyright 2001 Andy Corwin BMI |
A parody of "Surrender" by Cheap Trick Mother told me, yes she'd scold me Boy you're such a pest You're in my way, go sit and stay In front of that TV set And there I found my hero, yeah This old guy mouthing off An annoying talk-show host Dressed like a clown Larry's all right, yeah he's all right He just looks a little weird Suspenders, suspenders But don't give your belt away On CNN yeah, late at night He's speaking with the queen And Larry's wearing the same blue shirt And those tacky old Toughskins jeans Now I had heard Armani suits The old man can afford But Larry won't wear one of those He only shops at Sears Larry's all right, yeah he's all right Like an Amish without the beard Suspenders, suspenders But don't give your belt away Whatever happens it's mating season A new wife every year Larry drives them all to drinking Then they disappear He's no Tom Brokaw Larry's had a dozen wives by now Older, younger, Larry's going for the Guinness record, wow! Larry's all right, he can do it all night And that's how you build a career Suspenders, suspenders But don't give your belt away Copyright 2003 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Cheap Trick ASCAP I WANT OSAMA A parody of "I'm Sorry Mama" by Eminem Let's go... it's time for your tour of Baghdad, Mr. President Where's the chair? Dammit W, what chair? The electric chair! You telling me they got no electric chair in Iraq? (sigh) Oh, there it is... yeah! No! Yo! Have you ever felt cheated, defeated, and competed against, I have I almost didn't get elected, but now I'm president, yeah First they love ya then they snub ya, then they all call you Dubya, From Austin to Lubbuck, did you know I was a gov'na? Yeah, then I come to Washington, and started loading the guns Made this drama, said Osama bin Laden couldn't run, uh uh But time flies by, and we can't fnd that guy, what the hell? Guess I'll bombard the backyard of somebody else I want Osama (yo yo yo) I really want to hurt him (yeah hurt him!) I really want to make him cry But for now, Saddam'll be my target ( yeah, word) I got some skeletons in my closet, and everybody knows it Like my stupid drunken daughter, that b**** is gonna blow it, for me I'd love to shove her and her mother back to '79, yo Maybe I was wrong, baby, maybe abortion is fine, whoa! Now my Daddy had Saddam on the run back in '91 Used the big guns, had some fun, but didn't get the job done, son Look at me now, you're gonna go POW, Hussein, oh yeah I couldn't get bin Laden, so you're taking the blame I want Osama (yeah, word!) I really want to hurt him (word to your evildoer!) I really want to make him cry But for now, Saddam'll be my target (yo yo yo yo!) Listen I tried to send fighters to get Al Qaida, but those Hiders saw outsiders and ran so man, I'm cannin' this plan to Slam the Taliban in Afghanistan, Saddam, tracking back To Iraq, takin' no slack, makin' you crack, or WHACK! Yo! The UN can inspect and detect your weapons all day But whatever they say, I'm gonna blow you away HEY! I've locked up and shocked up lots of f****** like you And I'll blast your dumb a**, if it's the last thing I do, yo! I'll attack the Iraqi rich, I'll attack the Iraqi poor Matter of fact, I'll attack Iraqi Radio Shack, you evil-doers! Your spies just don't realize how you guys'll get trampled If I don't need your oil, I'll blow you right off your camel! I want Osama (Dammit, W!) I really want to hurt him (yo yo yo yo yo!) I really want to make him cry But for now, Saddam'll be my target (Yeah, one more time!) I want Osama (Dammit, you crazy f*****!) I really want to hurt him (Yeah, just crazy enough to be president!) I really want to make him cry (You heard me! I don't even need any votes!) But for now, Saddam'll be my target (I GOT FLORIDA!!) Hey, stupid redneck neighbor... you not president... you stupid redneck neighbor. Oh yeah? Word to your immigration officer! Yeah! President Dale! Yeah! I'm king of Capital Hill! (sigh) Copyright 2003 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Eminem ASCAP DUH EN RON RON RON A parody of "Da Doo Ron Ron Ron" by The Crystals I went to work on Monday and my heart stood still It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron How'm I gonna pay my freakin' Visa bill? It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron Yeah, my heart stood still Yeah, they took a spill And then I lost my home It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron They told us that our shares were gonna go sky-high It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron Now they're shredding evidence, my oh my It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron Yeah, I guess it went awry Yeah, here comes the FBI, and I Can't afford an ice cream cone It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron Good evening. Today Californians were urged to conserve electricity as the state faces an enormous energy crisis. Criminal energy mismanagement is causing widespread blackouts, and naturally the citizens are being blamed. This report brought to you by Disney's Electrical Parade. Way back in '97 when the scam begun It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron They never thought they'd go to jail with Arthur Anderson It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron Yeah, they padded the books Yeah, those dirty crooks And now they're shooting themselves at home Dead end ron ron ron, dead En ron ron It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron Copyright 2003 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and The Crystals ASCAP I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA A parody of "Living The Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin Yeah, that's right, I'm a big star, I will never go broke... I lived on top of a mountain No way that I could fall But I just saw my accountant And he says I've spent it all Ricky, you gotta save a little of your money, you can't spend it all like this, oy... are you listening to me? I was a pop sensation Big hits and my name in lights But when I kissed a boy in that gas station I lost the movie rights Girls would tear their clothes off And they'd dance for me backstage But now they pass me on the street And they offer me some change 'Cause I suffer from the mange I'm on my way out I live in a a green Toyota I can't go further down I'm sleeping with Abe Vigoda With cash flow in the red I didn't save one iota The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hey, you wanna get this piece of crap off my lawn? You don't talk to me like that! Don't tell me how to talk, move your damn car! I am a big big star, and you you you shut up! Shut up! No you shut up! No you shut up! Woke up in New York City Behind a cheap hotel Where's my house, where's my money? I had to strip to pay my agent's bill I haven't seen clean water Since last week on Saturday And once you've had a whiff of me You'll never be the same And Menudo is to blame (come on) I'm on my way out I can't afford diet soda I can't go further down I'm moving to South Dakota With cash flow in the red I've been begging with Ray Liotta The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hello, Mama? I need some money, please! I have no place to go and nothing to eat... Por favor Mama...! Girls used to rip my clothes off And go down on me backstage But now they see me on the street And stare like I'm in a cage Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on) I'm on my way out I'm beginning to look like Yoda I can't go further down I'm a Latin Quasimota With cash flow in the red My skin is almond roca The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota You're my manager, get me a job! Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do? I can sing... No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do? Can you type? No, I cannot type, but I could babysit your children... All right, that's it - get out of my office! Yes, the little boys are so cute! No, get out! Muchachos bonitas! Whoa, green Toyota A rusted-out '82 green Toyota Yeah you heard that right, it's my house It won't start... It won't start! Maybe it's the tranny... hmmm... I'll change the wipers. Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and R. Rosa/D. Child ASCAP CONSTIPATED A parody of "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne [Grunt], sonofabitch, pass the prunes Uh huh, uh huh, and the raisins too... Come out, whatcha waiting for My butt has never been so sore I wish I hadn't gotten Extra cheese, at Mickey D's I am much more popular When I'm feeling regular There's four burgers in me They're two for one, what have I done? No one can help, I loosen my belt Poppin' ex-lax, contract and relax Tryin' to be cool, forcing the stool from me Tell me... Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? I pee okay but Happy Meals put me through hell, won't be ex-cra-ted Just won't push through When I eat and I eat all that meat I retreat, take a seat, till my feet fall asleep Honestly, I didn't mean to Order all the extra bacon, no no no And then there's this big ol' splash I feel the water hit my ass Thank God, get up from where I sat I'm free, so proud of me And now time to strike a match But there's just one little catch That bowl isn't draining Come on, go down, I'm begging, praying Stuff's coming up, over the top It's all coming back, Big Mac attack Standing in a pool, reeks like a mule, oh geez Tell me... Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? Oh God! I pee okay but Happy Meals put me through hell, won't be irrigated Just won't push through When I flush and I plunge all that stuff Just comes up, what the f*** am I turning into Honestly, can't you see The porcelain is nearly breakin'... no no no Honey! Where's the mop? Oh God... Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Avril Lavigne ASCAP JEWISH CHRISTMAS CAROL MEDLEY A parody of several well-known Christmas carols I have no gift for you, pa rum pa pum pum I don't believe in you, pa rum pa pum pum Don't rest ye merry Jewish men You have to work today You took a week for Hanukkah So now you have to pay Hark the herald angels sing You ain't getting anything O Rosenbaum, o Rosenbaum It's just another night for you O Rosenbaum, o Rosenbaum No Santa Claus in sight for you No stockings and no mistletoe No cabbage patch, and no Elmo O Rosenbaum, o chosen-baum This season has to bite for you Oy to the world, this season blows I got, this shirt, that's it My friends all got cool toys Those crummy little goys Got candy and lots of cash While this shirt gave me a rash Oh Santa can kiss my ass My Jewish ass! Copyright 2002 Steve Goodie ASCAP BOOBS (I DID 'EM AGAIN) A parody of "Oops I Did It Again" by Britney Spears Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah... I think I'll do them again I'll augment my chest, for more attention Oh boobies They might seem plastic to touch But I'm a pop queen, and they're not big enough I could lose my advances From the mean old record company Oh boobies boobies Boobs! Inflate 'em again I can't sing a note, so I pumped up my fame (with boobies boobies) Boobs! My agent called me at home He said more silicone They're not quite big enough! A no no no no no A no no no no no You see, my problem was this My cup size was A And 38-Ds were on my Christmas list I tried shaking my butt But the hooters looked small, when I dressed like a slut When I flashed Nickelodeon It made them so angry at me Boobies! Oh... Boobs! Inflate 'em again I'm so talent-free, so I pumped up my fame (with boobies boobies) Boobs! I need them to grow Are they big enough no no no no They're still not big enough! Next please... Britney, before you go, there's something you need to know... Oh, they're beautiful, but wait a minute, aren't these...? Yeah, yes they are. But I thought you said you couldn't use helium for safety reasons? Well baby, it'll keep them way up high, and make your voice all weird! Oh! Great idea! Boobs! Inflate 'em again I'm so talent-free, so I pumped up my fame (with boobies boobies) Boobs! I need them to grow Are they big enough no no no no They're still not big enough! Boobs! Inflate 'em again I can't sing a note, so I pumped up my fame (with boobies boobies) Boobs! My agent called me at home He said more silicone They're not quite big enough! Tit me baby one more time! Mom... it happened again... Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and Jeff Kobal ASCAP ME AND TIMMY McV A parody of "Me And Bobby McV" by Kris Kristofferson Busted back in '95, whacked out in the brain Worst terrorist the States have ever seen Timothy knocked a building down, they dragged him off in chains When he blowed 'em all away to smithereens He built a homemade bomb out of a dirty, rental truck And Oklahoma lost when Timothy lit the fuse Now he's locked up and doing time, he's someone's bitch, and his white behind Wants to bend over for the TV crews Freedom's just another word for dyin' on the news Dyin', it's just more publicity And network sweeps are easy Lord, with death row pay-per-view Timothy don't want to go quietly That ain't good enough TV for Timmy McV From the east end of Long Island, to the California sun Timothy wants us all to watch him go In a world of Jerry Springer and Wrestle Mania Yeah Timothy wants the cover of the Rolling Stone (Rolling Stone) For that day in Oklahoma, I say let him rot away Make that tiny cell his home, and make him be quiet But he'll trade all his tomorrows for the headlines today But I won't watch his body kick and writhe Freedom's just another word for dyin' on the news Screw him, no I'll be watching Ally McBeal, yeah They're making it too damn easy, Lord, I won't watch what they do When they kill that trailer trash on MTV They won't drag me down with Timmy McV Turn it off, turn that jerk off, turn it off, I'm begging you I don't want to see no Timmy McV No no no no no no, no no no no no If I can't get a show, then why should he? Turn it off, I'd rather be watching Millionaire I'm turning it off, because I don't care And that's my final answer for Timmy McV No no no no no no no no, no no no no no no no no no no no No, no no, Timmy McV Hell I'd call him a bastard, I'd call him a loon I'd call him a hearse, but keep him off of the tube, c'mon No no Timmy no, no no Timmy McV No no no no no no no no no no no no no No, no, no Timmy McV, NO! Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Kris Kristofferson ASCAP EXTRA I am an extra in the movie of my life I did not get a speaking role I auditioned in the valley, after waiting six hours I'm an extra, cause they say I am I don't need the bright lights, cause I have a donut I slept with the director, I slept with the A.D. I slept with the key grip, and the makeup lady Well, I wanted to, but she smacked me I am an extra in the movie of my life I worked nine twelve-hour days I got four seconds of screen-time In a crowd scene in downtown Baghdad I'm the one with my back to the camera With my hair standing up, and my finger in my ear I am an extra in the movie of my life And I am not union I am an extra, and I'll be your waiter tonight Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP BURPO THE SCARY CLOWN Burpo, Burpo, Burpo the scary clown Burpo, Burpo, Burpo the scary clown Burpo, Burpo, Burpo the scary clown Burpo, Burpo, Burpo, Burpo Burpo, Burpo, Burpo, Burpo Burpo, Burpo, Burpo, Burpo Burpo, the scary clown Burpo, Burpo the scary, scary, scary, scary clown Burpo the scary clown Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP |
A parody of "Oh Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison Skinny woman, walking down the street Skinny woman, why don't you freakin' eat Skinny woman, I don't believe you, you're just see-through I think you puked up all your food (Nasty) Skinny woman, you think you're overweight Skinny woman, but you should clean your plate Skinny woman, oh you look hungry, you need a meal Have you been watching Ally McBeal? Skinny woman scarf a while Skinny woman barf a while Skinny woman give your smile to me But brush your teeth first Skinny woman bulimia-a-a Skinny woman not in my car Skinny woman say you'll keep it down Cause I'll feed you, I'll feed you right Come with me baby, Denny's open all night Oh, skinny woman Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Orbison-Dees ASCAP QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Is that Harry Potter over there? Yes, it is! Right, our new celebrity. There's the new boy. Did you see his scar? I did - it's amazing! I heard he can break the sound barrier on that broom. Gerroff! Couldn't be! Yes, he can! Harry, you're the first first-year on the Quidditch team in over a hundred years! That's amazing! You're the best Seeker we've had in centuries! Oh dry up - he's not so big! Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I've never seen anyone fly like that! And he's just a first-year! Must be that Harry Potter! He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Hermione, how can Harry possibly see that tiny golden snitch from way up there? It's fantastic! Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Harry needs to buckle down and study. How does he expect to get through his first year, breaking all those rules? I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him Hey Harry, let's go see what's on the third floor, shall we? Stop! You can't just go sneaking around the castle at night! You'll cost Gryffindor a hundred points! Oh no we won't! Oh yes you will! And that's just what Draco Malfoy wants! 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Awww... I can't believe Slytherin lost to Gryffindor! I'll get you Harry Potter... I'll get you good... Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Pete Townshend ASCAP BETTY RUBBLE A parody of "Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie Yabba dabba doo! You love Natasha, she rules your world You love Dot Warner and the Powerpuff Girls Hey Jane, Mrs. Jetson's all right Hey Jane, daughter Judy's tight Rogue and Storm, they're all wrong Only one toon can turn me on Betty Rubble, you torn your dress Betty Rubble, yes yes yes yes Betty Rubble, billion years ago Hot damn, I love you so Fred, I gotta tell you... my wife's a piece of ass! Oh, you're telling me, Barney! Yabba dabba doo! What's with Barney, come on girl You can do better, Betty, that's for sure Hey babe, he's three foot two Hey babe, he's got a twenty IQ Leave that clown, he's all wrong He's not worthy of your loincloth thong Betty Rubble, you torn your dress Betty Rubble, your cave is the best (If you know what I mean) Barney Rubble billion years ago Hot damn, I love you so I've often pounded one out to the thought of your wife, Barney. Oh yeah, no surprise here! You torn your dress, I gotta confess When you do that little giggle I just ogle your chest You're prehistoric and you're on fire You got those long legs and a miniskirt You got no Wilma pearl necklace, and you don't got no shoes But I love your dress Oh, Barney doesn't like that... You jurassic temptress Smackin' that ass, smackin' that ass... And how could you know I'm on it! That they'd cast Rosie-O (in the movie) Hey why'd she wanna go, defiling your style Uh uh uh uh, you're no lesbo What'd she do to you, she must weigh three hundred two We are not impressed Who let the dogs out? Man her face is a mess Ooo ooo, no no no no I've had it up to here with you, Betty! When I meet the Flintstones Keep that bitch locked up! We'll have a gay old time We'll have a gay old time Betty!!! Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, Burpo, and David Bowie ASCAP PUFF THE MAGIC RAPPER A parody of "Puff The Magic Dragon" by Peter, Paul, and Mary Puff the Magic Rapper lived by the sea And grew up with his homies in the land of Giuliani Little Jenny Lopez loved that rascal Puff And brought him guns and ammo clips, and other gangsta stuff Oh, Puff the Magic Rapper loved NYPD Since they made him take the stand for bribing an employee Oh, Puff the Magic Sampler knew he'd go scott free To rip off songs he didn't write, to gain celebrity Together they would travel in a cop car to the jail Puffy kept on looking at J-Lo's gigantic tail Loyal guards and chauffeurs would lie to the police Witnesses never noticed it when Puff pulled out his piece Oh, Puff the Magic Rapper was acquitted naturally When his lawyer got the charges dropped, he said "thank you, Johnny C." Oh, Puff the Frequent Inmate lived affluently And gave 3 mil to the family of Notorious B-I-G Love should last "Forever", but she wasn't his "Best Friend" Music-biz relationships often come to a bitter end One grey night it happened, Jenny Lopez came no mo' And Puff that Mighty Rapper, he lost his favorite ho Oh, Puff the Skank-Ho Slapper, abandoned and lonely Went looking for his true love on a scooter in Miami Oh, Puff the Reckless Driver went back to the pokey To visit friends and to pick out drapes for a cell marked P. Diddy Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Lipton-Yarrow ASCAP BROWN BOOGER A parody of "Brown Sugar" by The Rolling Stones Most disgusting song ever recorded, take six... D'jew eat? This'll be a quick meal. I ate his liver with a nice Chianti Ew! Oh God! I got fifty bucks says that kid picks his nose! Fifty bucks says he eats it. See if you can guess what I am now... This is absolutely gross! That boy is a P-I-G pig! I'm a zit... get it? Third grade recess on the playing field Joe forgot his lunch, he's got no midday meal He's pickin' his nose, thinkin' he's out of sight See him find a big one, just about bite-sized Awwwww! He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good? Gross! That's disgusting! D'jew eat? Brown booger, just like a booger should now You gonna finish that? Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. Cause if you're not gonna finish it I would eat it, but if you're gonna eat... Say the word and I'll give you a piece. Little Joey's teacher well her jaw just drops Lady of the lunch wonders where it's gonna stop She gives him a sandwich and a blueberry pie But Joey keeps a-diggin', middle finger this time Blech! He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good now? Gross! Ah, son of a bitch! Nice mouth! Brown booger, just like a booger should, now, yeah We're mutants! There's something wrong with us, something very very wrong with us! That kid'll eat anything! Must be hungry. Something seriously wrong with us! Here's proof... his nose is cold. Now, didn't your mama teach you anything? If you're gonna eat your boogers buddy don't be seen I'm no schoolboy but I know what I hate You should have seen the size of what he ate The size of a Buick. Wow! Brown booger, how come you taste so good now? Awww, brown booger, just like a booger should now... I can't believe you're eating this! You know what your problem is? You don't chew your food, that's why you get so irritable with people. You could get mumps... Oh... I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww! Mmmmm! That one tasted like Cracker Jack! How come you... how come you taste so good? I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwwwww! You can taste mine if I can taste yours. Ooooo... okay! Just like a, just like a booger should Yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww! Oh look, I'm gonna roll it in my fingers and then toss it at you This one tastes like pepperoni! Pepperoni! Yeah! From the nose-meister! I think I touched my brain! If I find a gooey one, I wait for later, and then I get a crunchy one, and then I mix 'em. Yeah, I save 'em behind my ear. Ooo, that's a good idea. Have you ever mixed it with your earwax? Have I? I invented that! Oh! Extra points! Blood! Mmm... slimy. Mmm... salty. Have you ever microwaved them? No! Mmmm! Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Chris Smith, Mick Jagger, and Keith Richard ASCAP CHAT ROOM A parody of "White Room" by Cream In a chat room, with two school girls, and one pervert If they ask me, what my name is, I say Amber Sideways smiling, naked chatting, one hand typing Download jpeg, with bad virus, goodbye Windows I'll wait in this place, till the kids come online Chat with no face, where the geezers play with themselves Hi everyone.... In the chat room, she said she was, head cheerleader I'm all alone tonight... Got her address, waited outside, pedophilia Is anyone else all alone? Mother caught me, handcuffs no fun, police station Have you ever... done... it? Made confession, two Hail Marys, absolution What was it like? Was it all gross? I'll pray in the pew, make my sins okay-fine They forgive what I do, no, the Cardinals ain't gonna tell Does anyone want to meet somewhere for a milkshake? If my dad catches me on the computer again, he's gonna beat my butt with a belt till it turns red. Oooh, that hurts Are there any policemen in this room? Do you ever worry about internet predators? I've heard they can be real weird... Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Bruce-Brown ASCAP IT SAW HER STANDING THERE A parody of "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles And how many mudbloods have been petrified so far, Mr. Potter? A-one-two-three-FOUR! Harry Potter, sir, you must not return to Hogwarts... it is much too dangerous! Well there's a snake, slithering Below the girls' latrine And I'm afraid to look, at the fatal monster's stare But my pal's in a trance, with three others, oh Cause it saw her standing there You see apparently, my friend Hermione Has been turned to stone, she's way beyond repair So I took a chance, way down under, oh Cause it saw her standing there Serves her right! Shut up, Draco! Well my heart went boom, when I found that room And I held my hand over my eyes Hello, Harry... I'm Tom Riddle. AND I'm Lord Voldemort!! Oh I stabbed two snakes that night Cause You Know Who ain't all that bright He thought he was strong, but now he's not so sure Yeah he's a nuisance, who killed my mother, oh Till I saw him standing there You two set up a distraction, I just need five minutes. Ready with the firework, then, Harry? I'd follow the spiders if I wanted to find something out. Spiders? Ewww... I hate spiders! Oh really? Listen, if you were hugging your teddy bear, and it suddenly turned into a huge, hairy, nasty, eight-legged beast, you might not like spiders very well, either. I suppose not. Well I felt so doomed, that I dropped my broom But then that red bird landed just in time Dumbledore sent you a bird to help defeat me?! Oh the whole thing worked out great And now Hermione's wide awake And before too long I'll be a full wizard I'm head of my class here at Hogwarts, oh Cause I saw it standing there Dobby is free! Oh since I saw it standing there You lost me my servant, boy! Yeah well since I saw it standing there Thank you Harry Potter sir! Dobby thanks you and thanks you! Make no mistake... I'll still get you Harry Potter... Oh yes! Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie and Paul McCartney ASCAP (PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME EAT) SUSHI My friends give me grief Cause I don't eat raw fish from the coral reef On this sushi they're hooked But I like my food cooked I want to know where's the beef I'm not down with this hip scene I'll be at the diner having bacon and beans Please don't make me eat sushi I don't need your bacter-ee-eye I got KFC for ecoli Please don't make me eat sushi I get a hankerin for chocolate pie I get a craving for, french fries I get a yen sometimes for a pasta dish But I never get a yearning for, raw fish Still squirmin from the sea Give me a salad or a waffle man If I want fish I'll open a can Please don't make me eat sushi Ain't nothin' wrong with a bowl of chili I don't want to eat Free Willy Please don't make me eat sushi (faster) I like the Teriyaki I like the hot saki I like the rice I don't mind the spice But I might commit hari kari If I don't get something culinary Or something marinari Like a barbecued canary Stir-fry the tooth fairy I'm going back to dairy Please don't make me eat sushi I'll yell for help if I have to eat kelp And where's my fortune cookie I'd rather blow a fish than eat blowfish Please don't make me eat sushi Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie and Maria Menozzi ASCAP GRANDPA'S DEAD Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead I got some news I thought you ought to know Your grandpa's dead, so you can drop that fishing pole He's not going nowhere, he's staying in bed Maybe you should play croquet instead Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead I'm sorry boy, it's sure sad but true Grandpa's dead, and he seemed quite fond of you And no one else really likes you that much And poor Grandpa's pretty cold to the touch Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead... take it boy... Oh no, Grandpa! Grandpa! I want my Grandpa back! Oh Grandpa, wake up! He's not asleep, he's not turning and tossing If you shake him real good, you can hear the formaldehyde sloshing Grandpa's dead, he's six feet underneath Grandpa's dead, but you can keep on wearing his teeth Don't be a sissy, boy, you gotta learn One day you're hear, the next you're full of worms Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead Like I said, Grandpa's dead Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP THAT MOTEL SMELL I'm on the road about forty-five weeks a year, and that's a lot of time to be on the road, and I stay in a lot of little places, sometimes not so nice, thought I'd tell you about it... In every town there's a familiar sight Affordable places to stay for the night Big plastic signs lit up so bright They leave out the frills, and they leave on the light Hope you know what I'm talking about... If you don't, maybe you better ask your sister Lucille... At the bulletproof window I fill out a form I get my key, and I open my door The walls are all brick, the carpet is torn And it hits me in the nose like a thousand times before It's that motel smell, that I know so well It's like a locker room inside a Taco Bell "Get us out of here!" I hear my nostrils yell Because of that motel smell The cigarette burns are deep and bold The phone doesn't work, and the shower is cold And bolted to the desk is a remote control For a black and white TV with no verticle hold Not to mention that motel smell, that I know so well Fix it up just a bit, you got a prison cell Reminds me of the aftermath of a can of Hormel's That motel smell Here's what twenty bucks will buy me Dark and scary and hairy and slimy, oh yeah The holes in the blanket are baseball-size I'm chasing rats and I'm swatting flies And through the wall I can hear the cries Of the couple in the next room winning the prize Yeah, it's got that motel smell, that I know so well From the stains on the mattress to the towels from hell Like the olfactory equivalent of Howard Cosell That motel smell Yeah I need some housekeeping! It's a little too late... Play that guitar, boy... Copyright 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP MY GIRL GOES Improvised live in the studio by Steve Goodie and Burpo Hey fellas! Yes? You wanna hear something good? (hiccup) Oh yeah! Tell us! Tell us now! Yeah right! Ho ho ho! 'Kay man! I got a girl that looks so nice That she looks at me once or twice Then my girl is so sweet That sometimes she shares her meat You know what else she does? (cough) What? She does something good! Oh boy! My girl goes... My girl goes... My girl goes... My girl goes... My girl goes... My girl goes... My girl goes... What else she do? And she goes... And she goes... Untie the rope! And she goes... Let me out of the car! Boy she goes... I really gotta go to the bathroom! Yeah she goes... And she goes... And she goes... And...I don't wanna play anymore! And...Ten cent chorizo! Then she goes... Then she goes... Then she goes... That's wrong! She goes... Then she goes... And... Hey, man, where's my spaghetti? And... But sometimes she comes to my house at night And she wears these pants, and her pants are tight Well I go no, no, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no No, no... Drum solo! Hootenany, hootenany I said drum solo! Boy he's good! Beat that baby! My baby goes... What a jerk! (A bunch of incoherent stuff, ending with...) Little skinny bitch... I can't play no more. Copyright 2000 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP |
Of all the boys I've known, and I've known some Before I met you boy, I was lonesome But when you came in sight, dear, my heart grew light And this old world seemed new to me B'mir bist du schon, please let me explain B'mir bist du schon means that you're grand What you say? B'mir bist du schon, again I'll explain It means you're the fairest in the land I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are I'll try to explain, b'mir bist du schon So kiss me and say you'll understand Drum solo! B'mir bist du schon, you've heard it all before But let me try to explain B'mir bist du schon means that you're grand B'mir bist du schon, it's such an old refrain And yet I should explain It means I am begging for your hand I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are I'll try to explain, b'mir bist du schon So kiss me and say you'll understand So kiss me and say that you will understand Copyright Secunda/Jacobs/Cahn/Chaplin ASCAP MOSES, DIDN'T YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WERE GOING? Moses, you're the greatest You freed us years ago But the promised land is still a promise Moses, didn't you know where you were going? Thirty-nine years back, you split the sea in two But did you think to pack an atlas, ask directions, no not you How 'bout a measley trail of breadcrumbs, hell a compass ought to do Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going? We thought you had a strategy, a plan for every crunch Aside from wandering and praying for a miracle for lunch The Buddha never pulled this kind of stunt on just a hunch Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going? Manna (man oh manna) I'm getting sick and tired of Manna (for breakfast, for dinner) I'd like a steak or a banana (some veal parmegiana) Even some tofu would be grand Hey Moses, how far to Milk And Honey Land? Pharoah (Pharoah? Where?) Maybe he ain't so bad that Pharoah (We do like Mia Farrow) I kind of miss my old wheelbarrow We were crazy kids, building pyramids Hey! Israelites! It's Moses! Don't forget... Egypt was the pits Made this place look like the Ritz You got no pay, no benefits Hey! Dig these funky tab-e-lets The Ten Commandments, that was good And the Torah, moi! the best! And that crazy circumcision A little harsh but nonetheless The Big G was on when He created north and south and east and west! Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going? Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going? Copyright 2000 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP I WANT TO BE IRISH When I was just a little lad my mother asked of me "What do you want my darling boy, what do you want to be? A doctor? A lawyer? Some kind of PhD?" But I said, "Sorry mama, mine is a fakakta destiny I want to be Irish, Irish, Irish Oy I want to get lucky in a pub by the sea What have I done? I'll be an O'Brien, O'Grady, O'Veyesmir I want to be Irish Irish Irish as can be A diddly-doh, a diddly-dee" And then we danced the hora the whole night through, and watched leprechauns... So I sailed away to Ireland and broke me mother's heart There I shed me former self and made a brand new start Me friends all call me Seamus, sweet Molly calls me dear And as we walked on down the aisle I heard her whisper in me ear "I want to be Jewish, Jewish, Jewish What? I want to read Talmud on Christmas Eve No no no no... I want to eat lotsa, matza, and whitefish Oy... I want to be Jewish Jewish Jewish as can be A diddly-doh, a diddly-dee" This is terrible How could it be worse? What'll I tell me mother? So we flew back to America where Mama welcomed us She hugged my darling Molly, saying, "You'll convert I trust" Molly said, "Yes Mama, I already did" Mama said, "My dear, that's wonderful, but what about the kids?" Ummmm... They're gonna be Jewish, and Irish, and Jewish Oh my God! Manischewitz and Guinness equally You're drunk! With names like Abraham O'Flannahan McGeeberg They're gonna be Jewish Irish Jewish Irish Irish Catholic Protestant Jewish Just as Jewish Irish as can be A diddly-doh, a diddly-dee Copyright 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP MY LITTLE BABUSHKA Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy My little Babushka, how can it be Although there's one of me, she cooks for three She makes gefilte fish, and matza brie There's something coming from the oven constantly I see her dancing, balancing the pots and pans Baking cake, with aching hands Soup is on the table, sit down it's getting cold Oh how I'd love to be there now Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy My little babushka, she's far away She's up in Canada, and I'm in L.A. I know she misses me, I miss her too And so it goes, sometimes that's all that we can do I hear the phone ring thousands of miles away A sparkling voice, little wooden cane Tapping on the sidewalk, bus stop's not too far But how I need to be there now Babushka, ty moya na vsegda ty babushka Kak-by soodba nye staralas da nye raskeedala nas There's a place in my heart where we're always together Where the dishes are full, oy yoy yoy Where the laughter is full, oy yoy yoy Where her grandson's an arm's reach away Oy yoy yoy yoy yoy The years get heavier, as they go by I know she carries them, how hard she tries She may not walk as fast, she may need time to rest But in her smiling eyes I'll always see her strong as ever I'll see her dancing, balancing the pots and pans Baking cake, with an expert's hands Soup is on the table, sit down it's getting cold Oh how I'd love to be there now Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy Copyright 1999 Jacob Kantor ASCAP MY BUBBIE'S A KILLER Well she talks like Robert DeNiro (Robert DeNiro) But she goes by the name of Mrs. Shapiro (Mrs. Shapiro) I've heard of Jews in the mob, but I just didn't think There's a gangster in that little old lady by the sink She's got a real short fuse and orthopedic shoes She'll make you an offer you're a schmuck to refuse She may not look like the godfather type In her pearls and a full-length chinchilla (Oh no no no) But my Bubbie's a killer (Killer!) Did you hear about Jimmy The Pretzel (Poor Jimmy The Jimmy The Pretzel) Rubbed out last night by someone in a '52 Edsel (Vroom vroom!) She didn't stop she just dropped him right there on his lawn Doing three miles an hour with her turn-signal on She's got 200 rounds in her flannel nightgown And if you beat her at bingo better get out of town She'll pinch your cheek, she'll straighten your hair Then with lead matza balls she will fill ya (Yum yum yum yum) My bubbie's a killer (Killer!) Well they nearly shut her down working Lollapalooza She woulda got caught, but they forgot About the spare bullet she keeps in her mezzuzah I'm just a grandma, nobody loves me She's just a grandma, from a crime family She's knitting while committing murder in the first degree In the first degree in the first degree She likes her food pre-chewed, cause her teeth come unglued A smooth talker with a walker and a bad attitude In Rome she is known as the kosher Attilla But to me she's just Grandma Guerrilla ( Grandma Guerrilla?) The Sephardic Godzilla Hey, my bubbie's a killer (Killer!) Copyright 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP HI MOM, IT'S ME (Dialing sounds) You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek Please leave your name and number at the beep You have 30 seconds in which to speak (Beep!) Hi Mom it's me, your son, number three Pick up pick up pick up it's me it's Josh I wish you were in, cause by now it has been Three weeks since you did my wash It's such an awful quandary, I have tons of dirty laundry Not mention all the dishes in the sink If it isn't too much trouble come on over on the double Cause I fear I'm getting dizzy from the stink And also, I just wanted to ask if... (Beep!) Hello? You've been cut off. Hello? I was cut off? I wasn't done. It's one of those thirty-second things. I'm so sick of thios answering machine... I'll just call again... This is ridiculous... (Dialing sounds) You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek (Same message since 1974...) Please leave your name and number at the beep (Drones on and on...) You have 30 seconds in which to speak (Beep!) Hi mom, it's Josh again, your gizmo cut me off again This time I'll try to speak more rapidly If the airport's on your way, the wife is flying in today And I'd go get her but there's bowling on TV The furnace needs a filter, hell the whole thing's out of kilter Better bring your socket wrenches when you come And if it wouldn't kill ya, get some polish for the silver It'll help you when you're scrubbing off the scum And also, I was just going to ask... (Beep!) Would you please let me finish?! I'm going to try one more time, but that's it! I'm getting sick of this. (Dialing sounds) Unbelievable! Hello Joshua...? Ma? Is that you? I just left a couple messages... Yes, this is your mother, you should be more like your brother He takes care of things himself no help from me I do and do and do for you, but nothing's getting through to you You're 30 and still sitting on my knee! I'm wasting no more breath, because I've babied you to death And Oprah says I have to draw the line Since I failed her Mother Test, I'm gonna yank you from my breast You rotten, no good, spoiled brat of mine! I don't know what to do... ahhh, you're driving me crazy! Come on, Mom... I'll just ask Grandma! But Joshua have you eaten? I've got soup with kreplach heatin' I'll come feed you, precious darling son of mine Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie, Jacob Kantor, and Sharon Port ASCAP TWIST OF THE DREIDEL I had it good, I had it made A kitchenette, a Chevrolet Money, laundry, big screen TV I lost it all with a sharp, cruel twist of the dreidel Of the dreidel It started out a friendly game Once in a while, but it became All night after work, little Bobby Schwartzberg Took it all with a sharp cruel twist of the dreidel Of the dreidel I'd be the first to say I should have stood and walked away But now it's all too late I played to win, I raised the stakes, I let it spin And left it up to fate Gimmel! Gimmel! Gimmel! Gimmel! Nun! Nuts!! And now I'm living in a box beside the road No kitchenette, no commode No friends, no shoes, nothing left to lose I lost it all with a sharp, cruel twist of the dreidel But I still hear it call I've seen the dreidel and the damage done But I wanna have some fun Ein svi drei latka! I'm getting lucky tonight Lucky! I'm getting lucky tonight Dreidel dreidel, made of clay-del Dreidel made a fool out of me Copyright 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP NUDNIQUE A commercial announcement Boy, someone smells good! Thanks! What is that, is that Obsession? No... Temptation? No... No Jacob... that's Nudnique! Nudnique? That's right, Nudnique. For people who are tired of their old frangrance wearing off after just three or four weeks. Nudnique... the scent that just won't go away. Copyright 1999 Steve Goodie, Jacob Kantor, Julia Kantor, and Maria Menozzi ASCAP KATUSHA This one is entirely in Russian, and I can't make head or tail of it! Copyright Isakov THOSE WERE THE DAYS The first verse and chorus are in Russian, and once again, I have no idea what we're saying... but then... Once upon a time there was a tavern Where we used to raise a glass or two Remember how we'd laugh away the hours And dream of all the great things we would do Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end We'd sing and dance forever and a day We'd live the lives we choose, we'd fight and never lose For we were young and sure to have our way Nye, nye, nye, nye, nye, nye... Traditional / Raskin LET'S GO PLANT A TREE Let's go plant a tree Let's go plant a tree Put it in the ground That doesn't sound so hard to me Rain will cost us bubkus Sunlight's always free Pardon my abruptness, but let's go Let's plant a tree Let's go plant a tree Let's go plant a tree Give a bird a thrill Someplace to chill with a chickadee Soon we'll see a forest Where Macy's used to be Squirrels will adore us for this Let's go plant a tree Tu Bishvat, Tu Bishvat, Tu Bishvat Happy Tu Bishvat Give it all you got Say what? Why not? All year long You'll be far away Far from here Thinking about your tree My tree Which is making the air you breathe My tree! Break it up! Let's go plant a tree Let's go plant a tree They're running out of toothpicks At the toothpick factory And the Sunday morning paper Comes halfway up my knee Yes we must recycle I suggest we plant a tree Come on let's recycle Michael row the boat-a Tell Mary and Rhoda Luke and Yoda, North and South Dakota Everybody let's go plant a tree Chop chop chop! Copyright 2000 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP |
Hey we're Girlband! Rockin' Brownie troop 308! Put on your PJs and your bunny slippers, Cause everyone's invited to a slumber party! Hey hey howdy, be my friend Come on over and let's pretend We're superheroes who've got a band that rocks Hey hey howdy, let's wiggle till Our tongues fall out and our bladders spill Let's have ourselves a killer pillow fight And we'll all jump on the bed We'll all jump on the bed We'll all jump on the bed until we barf It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party My brother's away at military school! It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party I made the onion dip! It's fun it's fun we won't let anyone Go to sleep, don't go to sleep Hey hey howdy, potato chips Braid you hair with glitter clips Smother up your bubble lips with gloss Hey hey howdy, we'll make some noise No cooties from no stinky boys If you see one then feed him poison rocks And we'll all jump on the bed We'll all jump on the bed We'll all jump on the bed until we barf It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party Don't eat that, that's not peanut butter! It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party C'mon, somebody paint my toenails! It's fun it's fun we won't let anyone Go to sleep, don't go to sleep Hey hey howdy Oh hey hey howdy I said hey hey howdy Copyright 2001 Burpo ASCAP BUY MY COOKIES Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads... Start your engines! It's that time of year... You see us coming out of the minivans Wearing our cute little uniforms And we've got boxes, lots of boxes You know the boxes You know what I'm talking about! 308, 308, 308 is so darn great! I want to go to summer camp, I would like to earn a bike The pretty pink one! There are plenty of prizes in the catalog I know I'd really like I want that, I want that, I want that! You see me a-boppin' down your street You pretend that you're not home Pretend that you're on the telephone Hey I'll kick your screen door down Buy my cookies, buy my cookies Guitar! I'm bringing my little brother Got my mom driving the van You have no flippin' out idea How serious I am If those brats living on the hill Beat me this time I swear I'll T.P. your entire house And I'll pull out my own hair Ow! Buy my cookies, buy my cookies Now I know you've got your excuses Oh, I'm sorry, You've caught me without my checkbook Oops! I just started Jenny Craig Look here Lola... I see what you've got in that shopping bag. And it's not cottage cheese! Remember that I'm nine years old I'll outlive all you all I'll hunt you down every street I'll chase you through the mall I've got eye of the tiger, baby I know what I need While you waddle into your SUV This Girl Scout's built for speed Buy my cookies, buy my cookies I'm begging you, buy my cookies You better buy �em Please buy my cookies Just one box, just one box Just, just, just one box, one box What? One of each? Uh huh... Wow! Uh huh... uh huh! We see what you're made of Folding like a house of cards C is for cookie, that's good enough for me I guess I could bring �em by... P is for pushy, that's good enough for me Oh yeah, we have plenty, uh huh, uh huh P is for pushy Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP POOP ON THAT My stupid little brother's in my stuff again He's wearing my brand new hat I went and told Mom, she didn't do nothin', well Poop on that My stupid older sister got a baseball glove And a brand new aluminum bat I got a dictionary made for Scrabble, well Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop on that I said, "Hey mom, can we get a dog?" But my little sister wanted a cat Well guess what happened, I'm cleaning the litterbox Poop on that My stupid old teacher gave me so much homework Cause I put some gum where he sat It took me ten hours, and then the cat ate it, well Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop on that Poop solo! Tommy likes Suzie better than me I heard him say that I'm too fat And then his mom took them to 31 Flavors, well Poop on that Grandma came by for a little visit She was bossing me in no time flat Now she says she's staying all summer, well... All summer... for the love of pete... July... how will I endure? Come kiss Grandma!! Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poopy doop Cha cha cha Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP THE PAJAMAS OF MY MIND No one really understands How bedtime rescues me The only math I ever do Is when I'm counting sheep The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh Hot chocolate swims around me I'm fluffy flying free, fluffy I'm a floating marshmallow In my jammies with the feet The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh The pajamas of my mind Wishing makes it mine I'm blowing hopscotch bubbles I'm frittering my time The pajamas of my mind Grownups wait in line I'm flying purple roller blades I'm frittering my time The pajamas of my mind Ahhhh The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh Solitary mind, solitary mind Hari krishna, krishna krishna Hari hari Oo oh gee I'm sorry Would you like to play Atari Not even in Tucumcari For Halloween I'm Mata Hari Like my dad's brand new Ferrari I voted for Marion Bar-ry Who drives a '94 Volare He's a cracker jack There's no such thing as a '94 Volare They stopped making 'm in '79 Creative license Mine has been revoked! I'm not just a rock star, I'm an artist! I'm not just Mayor McCheese, I'm a cultural i-con-vict I'm not an actor, But I play one on TV I'm not a headphone, But I am stuck in your ear Don't hate me because I'm pitiful There goes a guitar down the street My name is Luca Choo choo! Like almond rooca Hey, bull... Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP MY BROTHER'S COMING BACK Things had been terrible They'd just been terrible But things are looking up Yah they're looking up He'd gotten a scholarship He'd gotten a scholarship Cause he can swish and dunk Can he swish and dunk He'd been away too long But now he's coming home My brother's coming back to town, to town To town, to town When bullies pulled my ponytail Bullies pulled my ponytail My brother beat 'em up Yeah he beat 'em up He tried to teach our dog to dance Tried to teach our dog to dance But then he gave that up Yeah he gave that up He'd been away too long But now he's coming home My brother's coming back to town, to town To town, to town He's got a moustache now He's got a moustache now It's not too thick in spots Not too thick in spots He still drinks all the milk He still drinks all the milk He drinks straight from the box Yeah straight from the box He'd been away too long But now he's coming home My brother's coming back, I said My brother's coming back, I said My brother's coming back to town, to town To teach that dog to dance Town, to town He still drinks all the milk Town, to town It's not too thick in spots Spots Copyright 2001 Burpo ASCAP PINKY SWEAR Summertime comes to a close Time to pack away our summer camp stuff And go with our mommies home We've made friends And now it's time to say with a tear In our little old eye... "Bye bye, my friend, good bye bye." I wanted you to be the very last to sign my shirt Though you're wet from water bombs I'd still give you a hug There's still punch and popsicles but I'm not hungry now Everyone should know that nothing ever has to change You live over by the hills so You'll go to a different Junior High Over there Pinky swear you'll still come over almost every day Pinky swear that we're the best of friends If you moved to Cucamonga I would write to you I pinky swear it's true Copyright 2001 Burpo ASCAP MS. G Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G Pick me, Ms. G I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep Pick me, Ms. G I'd give up half my Pokemon if you'll play on our team My favorite book's the one you always read to me The Harry Potter one, that's got the chimpanzee I wish all of my free time, was just you and me time Pick me, Ms. G I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep Pick me, Ms. G I'd give up half my Pokemon if you'll play on our team But then on summer break you go away Do you live in the cabinet, do you live in your jeep Do you have to listen when your mom says go to sleep I watch TV till I can hardly see But I'd rather hang around your desk And watch you grade our sheets Pick me, Ms. G I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep Pick me, Ms. G I'd give up half my Pokemon if you'll play on our team Who is the teacher that is really cool Who makes you want to do well in school (not me) Who teaches readin' and writin' and stuff (I know) Who says �Good morning, Flufferpuff� Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G All right, here I'm waving my hand, Ms. G, Ms. G! I know, I know, I know the answer! Pick me! Pick me Ms. G!! Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G Copyright 2001 Burpo ASCAP TALK IN ESPANOL Muffin, we better practice if we're gonna get our Spanish-speaking merit badge! That's right everybody! Spanish class is in session! We're gonna talk in Espanol We're gonna talk in Espanol We're gonna talk in Espanol We're gonna talk in Espanol We're gonna talk in Espanol We're gonna talk in Espanol Can you say hola? Hola! Como esta? Como esta! Taco? Taco! Chalupa? Chalupa! That's very very very good... Talk in Espanol! That's how we talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol Pop quiz #1 That's how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol, oh yeah We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol Pop quiz #2 That's how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol That's how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol (even the dog) We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol Pop quiz #3 Ba la la la, La Bamba Ba la la la, La Bamba Say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay Ba la La Bamba Ba la La Bamba Ba la La Bamba Chalupa... Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP TRAINING BRA Oh Mom, why can't I have one I'll take good care of it, I swear Oh Mom, why can't I be like everyone All my friends are set up there Training bra, I want a training bra Get me a training bra, I need a training bra Training bra, I want a training bra Get me a training bra, I need a training bra... Oh Mom, how come I'm so slow I'm almost nine and a half Oh Mom, how come I don't grow In the brownie troop everyone laughs Training bra, you need a training bra Go get a training bra, a little a training bra Training bra, you need a training bra Sears makes training bra, a little training bra... You're much too young But I want one, oh... Training bra, I want a training bra Get me a training bra, I need a training bra Training bra, I want a training bra Get me a training bra, I need a training bra Training bra, I want a training bra I need a training bra, get me a training bra Training bra, I want a training bra A lacy training bra, get me a training bra Training bra, I want a training bra Just like my ma Get me a training bra, I need a training bra With lace on top Training bra, I want a training bra Just like my ma Get me a training bra I need a training, I'm tired of explaining Training bra Please! Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP REAL GOOD CRY It's supper time, but none for me I tripped this boy, he chipped his teeth They don't understand me, nobody does Well I don't care now, and that's because I'm gonna treat myself to a real good cry Gonna mean it when I say goodbye They cancel all the best cartoons Moms just say no to pet raccoons One day I'll show them, I'll show them all And they can't ground me, when I'm so tall I'm gonna treat myself to a real good cry Gonna mean it when I say goodbye I'll hop aboard a boxcar, I'll see the world I'll join the army and the circus I'll do just what I want to, I'll sing all day I'll live on Frosted Flakes and Yoohoo They say in school, just be yourself But when you do, they give you grief My classmates bore me, they're all so slow They raise their hands up, when they don't know I'm gonna treat myself to a real good cry Gonna mean it when I say goodbye Treat myself, real good cry Mean it when, I say goodbye Say goodbye Copyright 2001 Burpo ASCAP BOYS ARE STINKY Who makes you puke every time you see 'em? Who's the most creepy kind of human bein'? Who's so gross and who's so mean and Who's so very very stinky? Boys are stinky They're stinky stinky boys Boys are stinky Like a dirty diaper Boys are stinky Who makes you barf every time you see 'em? Who doesn't wash when they're done peein'? Who's so dumb and who's so rude and Who's so very very very very very very stinky? I'll tell ya... Boys are stinky Like a green burrito Boys are stinky I think I'm gonna pass out Boys are stinky, oh yeah I wouldn't be a boy for all the money there is I'd much rather stick things in my eye If you're a boy I feel sorry for you And your smell just makes me cry I'll tell you why... Boys are stinky Like a big old green tornado Boys are stinky Like a bug in a potato Boys are stinky, oh yeah Stinky stinky stinky Stinky stinky stinky Stinky stinky stinky Stinky Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP (I CAN'T KISS YOU �CAUSE I HAVE) BRACES Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah It's field trip day, I've waited all week Johnny sit here, I saved you a seat We're on the bus and we're riding along But something's wrong I can't kiss you cause I have braces It doesn't matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places No I can't kiss you cause I have braces Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I'm such a dork, I feel so dumb This never would have happened but I sucked my thumb And you're so tall, and your hair's so wild But I'm afraid to smile I can't kiss you cause I have braces It doesn't matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places No I can't kiss you cause I have braces Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah It's always something and it's so unfair I just know I've got a bunch of spinach stuck in there I sit by the phone and wait for your call But you won't And it's all the orthodontist's fault All his fault All his fault All his fault I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth Metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal Metal metal metal metal, ahhh I can't kiss you cause I have braces It doesn't matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places I can't kiss you cause... I can't kiss you cause I have braces [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] It doesn't matter how sweet your face is [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] I have metal in all the wrong places [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] I can't kiss you cause I have braces Copyright 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP SLUMBER PARTY (reprise) One two three four! Yeah buddy, that sure was fun! And on behalf of myself, and Muffin, and Thea, and Cricket, we just want to invite everybody back to do this again, all the time, 'cause everybody knows... It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party The record's over, play it again! It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party I got the music in my teeth! It's fun it's fun there won't be anyone Who goes to sleep, don't go to sleep Hey hey howdy Hey hey howdy Oh hey hey howdy Goodbye! Yeah, goodbye everybody! Remember to be nice, or you'll get in trouble! Copyright 2001 Burpo ASCAP |
A parody of "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield There's something happening here It's been going on a couple of years There's grunting and moaning sounds Coming from the oval room in the White House She better stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down What a field day for the press They found a stain on Monica's dress They proved the case with DNA Tell me why's that work on Clinton, but not on OJ It won't stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Big bad Ken the lawyer strikes deep Ee's been working for tobacco creeps Spent 40 million dollars so far Bend over taxpayers, won't you have a cigar It's gotta stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound President Willy's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound Everyone but Hillary's going down Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jaz Kaner ASCAP CHIMPANZEE A parody of "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield We come from monkeys we all know it we don't talk too much about it Ain't no real big secret we came down from the trees and now we're grounded Tommy, you have got some really big teeth Buddy, I believe you've got thumbs on your feet Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Somewhere somehow somebody must have swung you around some Who knows maybe a safari came into the jungle, kidnapped you, sold you to an organ-grinder who cleaned you up and made you dance around some Tommy, you dress up real weird on TV Buddy, you are just a goofy redneck to me Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Yeah buddy you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Tommy you ain't the worst A lot of rockers have evolved in reverse Right now a banana's a meal to you But it's one of those things you got to peel to be food Somewhere somehow somebody must have thought you were handsome Some record exec must have heard your lyrics, and somehow he could understand 'em Tommy, please don't take it personally Buddy, you don't sing too articulately And you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Yeah you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Yeah Tom, you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Copyright 2000 Steve Goodie and Mike Sterner ASCAP RENTING A parody of "Tempted" by Squeeze I packed a toothbrush, some toothpaste, wiped a tear from my face Cause my boss told me yesterday that I have been replaced So I said to my old landlord, "I can't pay for this place" Said goodbye to the neighbors, tore up all the bills Walked down to the station, the bus rolls on until I'm back again, back with my parents Cause I'm broke and I'm, quite unskilled So I'm renting out a room from my mother My parents shake their heads at each other Welcome back to hell, point me to my cell Slightly smothered, I'm renting out a room from my mother And hoping all my friends don't discover I'm in my bedroom, eating Froot Loops, watching Gilligan Mom says "It's been three months, hon, when you gonna try again?" I say, "Most guys like Ginger, but I like Mary Ann." Dad comes home, says "Hey loser, go get me a beer" But now I'm watching Jeopardy, so I don't even hear And it's Monday, so it's meatloaf I wish, I had a job But I'm renting out a room from my mother My parents shake their heads at each other You're our only son, where did we go wrong There's no other, renting out a room from his mother Just a couple steps from the gutter I wash the car now, do the laundry, cook the meals too I buy the Metamucil, and I buy the denture glue And I mix up the prescriptions just to see what they'll do Renting out a room from my mother My parents shake their heads at each other What's been going on, did we raise a bum Makes me shudder, my self-esteem may never recover She makes me eat that smooth peanut butter, ecch Yeah I'm renting out a room from my mother I'm hoping all my friends don't discover That I'm renting out a room from my mother Here's hoping all my friends don't discover I'm renting out a room from my mother And hoping all my friends don't discover2 Copyright 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP TECHNICAL WRITER A parody of "Paperback Writer" by The Beatles Technical writer, technical writer... Dear PC owner try and read my book About your new computer, better take a look It's based on schematics from an engineer But it's still unclear Cause I'm an apathetic technical writer Technical writer It's confusing, yeah, that's my revenge you see Cause I majored in art history And after sending out resumes far and wide I find I'm qualified To be an entry-level technical writer Technical writer Technical writer, technical writer... Welcome... File done... You've got mail... Goodbye It's a thousand pages give or take a few And not a word will mean a thing to you It's supposed to help you with your new machine Which I've never seen That doesn't matter to a technical writer Technical writer If you're really flustered you can call me up Dial 1-900-I-don't-give-a-f--- Five bucks a minute for consulting me That's the standard fee Cause I don't want to be a technical writer Technical writer Technical writer, technical writer... Abort, retry, ignore... Abort, retry, ignore... Segmentation fault. Core dumped. Technical writer, technical writer... Technical writer, technical writer... Technical writer, technical writer... I am not a geek! Technical writer, technical writer... Copyright 1996 Steve Goodie, Timothy Weber, and Mike Long ASCAP UNCLE ALBERT A parody of "Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey" by Paul McCartney We're so sorry, Uncle Albert We're so sorry that you're going down the drain We're so sorry, Uncle Albert But we caught you in your panties and you should have pled insane And today in sports, the man known for bloopers has really saved the best for last... Pleading guilty to charges of biting, Marv Albert avoided live inprisonment for the much more serious offense of forced sodomy. He also pled no contest to charges of sporting an unbearable hairpiece. Christian Slater and Pee Wee Herman could not be reached for comment... But Mike Tyson is now calling Marv, Uncle Albert We're so sorry that we put you on display, all day We're so sorry, Uncle Albert But she says you went and bit her wearing only your toupee We have just received this tape of his wife's reaction: Jesus C---- you stupid f------ son of a bitch! And his mother's reaction: Jesus C---- you stupid f------ son of a bitch! Despite the setback, a spokesman for Mr. Albert says that Marv is planning to open a chain of lingerie stores, to be called Marvin's Secret. And the Fox Network has been in touch... Saying that Marv would be perfect for their new forced sodomy division. We're so sorry, Uncle Albert But NBC has dropped your ass today We're so sorry, Uncle Albert But football's what we want, not your sleazy lingerie Welcome back, sports fans. It should be a good one this afternoon as the young Marv Albert, voice of the Nicks and the Rangers, takes on two women. If you'll recall, Frank, early in the game it appeared that Albert had the upper hand... and the upper pallette. That's right, Kathy, this young star could do no wrong! Certainly not in his own mind. He shoots, he scores, YES! Now the tables have turned... we can see him sweating... Oh, this can't be good for Albert I think his opponent has really got him by the -- Oh, now he's screaming at the referee! This can't help his already tarnished image. And, YES! The referee throws Marv out of the park! And out of the league. This seems to be the end of the line For the young hopeful. Marv Albert is out of the game, suspended indefinitely for unnecessary roughness. The man's dressed like his daughter Daughter Hands across her thigh Dropped his pants, and showed his garters Garters Damn the cost is high YES! He scores, he shoots! Got a hotel room, made it nice and dark Found that his bite was bigger than his bark Tried to force her head down but the little narc Wouldn't touch his cark Huh? what's a cark? Those bicuspids make a big mark The man's dead in the water Water Banned from TV Guide Take the stand, because she got ya Got ya Canned for sodom-y Little Marvin really used to get around Get around Biting girls all over town, til it all came crashing down Stick a fork in this guy, he is finished! Little Marvin said he never bit the slut Bit the slut Til another lady nailed his butt, even Dennis Rodman thinks he's nuts Dennis Rodman is lending Marv one of his prom dresses Isn't it poetic, Frank, that a man busted for cheating on his wife... And being, oh, just a smidge insensitive... Will soon be in Mike Tyson's old jail cell. In the words of Jim Bakker, life's a bitch... And so am I! Man you're in hot water Water Hands across your thigh Hey Marv, don't drop the soap! A lamb led to the slaughter Slaughter Man you'll be a bride I think he'll make a lovely bride! I agree, Kathy. And though he has some nerve wearing white, that boustier certainly flatters his figure. I understand that they'll be honeymooning in Cell Block W. That's right, Kathy. And they are planning a one-hour pre-game show, involving quite a bit of leather and dental foreplay. Oh, I can't wait for that! This is really shaping up into one of the most memorable seasons on record, isn't it? Yes it is, and today's lesson might be... Yakkety yak... Don't bite back... Copyright 1997 Steve Goodie and Sukey Smith ASCAP HERE COMES MY SON A parody of "Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles Here comes my son, here comes my son And I say, oy Little pisher It's been a hot, sticky, humid summer Little pisher It seems like years since you mowed the lawn Here comes my son, here comes my son And I say, you're stupid Little pisher Wipe that smile off your face Little pisher It seems like years since you combed your hair What do you think you are, one of them crazy hippies from England rock stars? Here comes my son, here comes my son And I say, oy, my back hurts Son, son, son, here he comes Son, son, son, what a bum Son, son, son, have him hung Son, son, son, better run Son, son, son, where's my gun Phasers on stun, make that kill! Oy my back... Little pisher It's so hot I'm sweating bullets Little pisher Get me a beer, you shmuck Here comes my son, here comes my son, and I say, oy Here comes my son, here comes my son, oy Copyright 1987 Steve Goodie and Andy Hirsch ASCAP CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE A parody of "American Pie" by Don McLean A long, long time ago I can still remember how the mirror used to make me smile And those nights we went out to dance, I'd put on my Travolta pants And even up my toenails with a file But there'd be less space in the room, with every cupcake I'd consume Bad news on the dance floor, I couldn't take one step more I can't remember if I cried when the woman that I fell on died But she sure tasted good deep-fried, with chips and slaw on the side, so... So bye bye chocolate cream pie I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides I hate weight-watching but I'll try it This'll be the day that I diet Did you read that diet book, it scared me so I couldn't look I kind of liked the pictures though Now do you believe in Rocky Road, do you like your cheesecake a la mode And hey baby would you like to share a root beer float Well I watched the workout on TV with my case of HoHos next to me The last time I saw my shoes, was 1972 I would love to have a roasted duck Some chicken or wine, hey, even pot luck But I knew I was just a shmuck the day my scale got stuck I started singing... Bye bye chocolate cream pie I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides I hate weight-watching but I'll try it This'll be the day that I diet Now for ten years I've been overblown And fat grows moss hanging from my bones But that's not how it used to be No, once I was up every morning at 5:15 In some shoes I borrowed from Mean Joe Green And a sweatshirt that came from L.L. Bean Well I'd run five miles in nothing flat, then another ten in less than that No candy, no big macs, not one between-meals snack Oh, but my strength grew low, my will got weak I'd buy a hotdog on the street And I knew I was really beat when I heard myself say "I'm stuffed, let's eat," and now I'm singing... Bye bye chocolate cream pie I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides I hate weight-watching but I'll try it This'll be the day that I diet And there it was, all on my plate, the carcass of that cow I ate But in an hour I'll eat again So come on, Jack eat this, Jack eat that, Jack Spratt, he got mighty fat Cause a fryer is a chicken's only friend Well my blood pressure's jumped a little bit, like the 1982 deficit Nobody's got the blues, til they wear size 72 Oh my weight climbed higher every night To Nabisco stockholders great delight I need an empty plane when I book a flight And boy are those bathrooms tight, I'm in there singing... Bye bye chocolate cream pie I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides I hate weight-watching but I'll try it This'll be the day that I diet I met a girl who sang the blues, and I'd hate to be in her shoes She told me this tale the other day She said, "I went down to the smorgasbord Where I got kicked out years before And the man there cried when I wouldn't go away But now she sits there in that seat, a small green salad is all she'll eat And not a threat is spoken, when she leaves no chairs are broken But the three things she's obsessed with most Simmons, Fonda, and Melba Toast They're why she looks like a ghost And is she happy, no not even close Wish she were singing... Bye bye American diet I'm heavy but I'm healthy, everybody should try it I can eat what I want, long as I don't deep-fry it And it'll be some years til I die It'll be some years til I die But she's still singing... Bye bye chocolate cream pie I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides I hate weight-watching but I'll try it This'll be the day that I diet Copyright 1988 Steve Goodie and Andy Hirsch ASCAP HEAVING ON A JET PLANE A parody of "Leaving On A Jet Plane" by John Denver Well my bags are checked, and I'm ready to go I'm nervous, and my blood-pressure's low Already I've been to the bathroom seven times Now we've taken off, and I'm in my seat The stewardess brought me something to eat My stomach's turning backflips as we climb And I'm heaving on a jet plane This never happens on a train Oh God, I must be damned I'm heaving on a jet plane Here comes my dinner and lunch again Oh God, when will we land Copyright 1989 Steve Goodie ASCAP I'LL HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU... A parody of "I'll Have To Say I Love You In A Song" by Jim Croce Well I know you're kind of late I hope that you're not pregnant Cause you're kind of under-aged And your dad's a police lieutenant Every kind of contraceptive But still we got it wrong So I'll have to say I love you... then I'm gone Every kind of contraceptive But my boys were swimming strong So I'll have to say I love you... from Guam Since you missed your period You're gonna miss your junior prom So I'll have to say I love you... single mom Copyright 1995 Chris Smith, Ty Hager, and Steve Goodie ASCAP MORONIC A parody of "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Hey! What? Is that a new nurse over there? That's a candy striper, they call 'em. I thought they were candy strippers. That'd be nice. Yeah it would. I'm an old man, 'bout 98 I'm here in this nursing home, with my best friend, Bill Say hi Bill, Bill, wake up! "What'd ya say?" Hey, Bill, you got a big old fly in your, what are you drinking there, lemonade? A fly?! Is it moving? No. Hell, I'll drink it anyway Oh, Bill, you're moronic! Yeah, well you stink! I'll take your catheter, and hook it up the wrong way Tell your kids you're dead next visiting day Yeah that'll work real well, like my kids show up anyway Hey, Bob! What? Your goiter there... What about my goiter? I think it's getting bigger! What's the matter with you, you old fart? I got that arthritis kicking up, I can't unzip my fly Go get that nurse over there! That one? No not that one, that's a guy! Can I 6help you, Mr. Schwartz? You can sure as hell try! I want my consarned zipper down, if I could just remember why Good God, you're moronic! Yeah, well you STILL stink! I'll take the batteries from your hearing aid When you're in the room I'll run the microwave Switch your Polygrip with a tube of Ben-Gay And you know Bob, I still think your goiter's getting bigger All right, Bill, that's enough with the goiter jokes... The Goodyear goiter, ladies and gentlemen! It's not funny, it's in bad taste, and you don't hear me making jokes about that big ugly thing on your ass. Your mother's the big ugly thing on my ass! Hey, my mother's been dead for 87 years! Well, it's about time to get her off my ass then, isn't it? You're a sick man, Bill. I'd like to get that Alladin Morrison on my ass! Who, her? Yeah. Wow, it's been a long time, hasn't it, Bill? Decades... She got a platinum record, barely out of her teens It was a great big hit, she got a great big limousine But she has no idea what her lyrics really mean Rain at a wedding, oh yeah, that's deep irony Ironing, yeah, my shorts are wrinkled I bet they are, everything attached to you is wrinkled I thought you didn't want to talk about your mother anymore I'm not talking about my mother, I'm talking about that shiksa on stage Hey! Alladin! It's like your brain is hooked up the wrong way Don't you realize you have nothing to say Here's some good advice, get a Webster's right away And do it before your head gets bigger You know, Bill, I've been in this nursing home for two years. Yeah? When does the nursing start? That's what I want to know. Is this song gonna be on MTV, Bob? I think so; we're part of the hip generation! Yeah, well, I just broke one. What, you broke your generation? No -- my hip! Well, that's ironic. Good thing something in this song is. It's not funny though. I think I'm gonna die now. Okay. Copyright 1996 Steve Goodie and Ty Hager ASCAP VIRILE MAN He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land We call him Mr. President, Virile Man He's got those wacky nutty politician's glands And lots of motel keys, Virile Man He says Paula, take some dictation And how 'bout some oral copulation Now Gennifer and Monica and Paula have Seen the first weenie, Virile Man, hey! He says my friends, I promise I'm no Clarence Thomas He's practically a Kennedy, he's got happy hands We call him Mr. President, Virile Man He may not be a Nixon Nixon But he's still tricky dickin' He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land We call him Mr. President, Virile Man Virile Man Virile Man Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man Copyright 1997 Ty Hager and Steve Goodie ASCAP |
Well she talks like Robert DeNiro But she goes by the name of Mrs. Shapiro I'd heard of Jews in the mob, but I just didn't think There's a gangster in that little old lady by the sink She's got a real short fuse and orthopedic shoes She'll make you an offer you're a shmuck to refuse She may not look like the godfather type In her pearls and a full-length chinchilla My bubbie's a killer Did you hear about Jimmy The Pretzel? Rubbed out last night by someone in a '52 Edsel She didn't stop, she just dropped him right there on his lawn Doing three miles an hour with her turn signal on She's got 200 rounds in her flannel nightgown And if you beat her at bingo better get out of town She'll pinch your cheek, she'll straighten your hair Then with lead matza balls she will fill ya My bubbie's a killer Well they nearly shut her down working Lollapalooza She woulda got caught, but they forgot About the spare bullet she keeps in her mezzuzah I'm just a grandma, nobody loves me She's just a grandma, from a crime family She's knitting while committing murder in the first degree She likes her food pre-chewed, cause her teeth come unglued A smooth talker with a walker and a bad attitude In Rome she is known as the kosher Attilla But to me she's just Granny Guerrilla My bubbie's a killer Copyright 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP PLANET SYNDICADIO They found a planet where everybody's got their own TV show We got excited just hearing about it, so we decided we've gotta go We've gotta go, to planet Syndicadio And when we got there, they told us that we were just perfect We got a slot from 9:30 to 10 Every Thursday night, we're on the satellite, cause... Sooner or later everybody's gonna get their own sitcom Sit down, don't worry, stay calm It takes a little, it takes a little while But it's inevitable You can be dumb, short, ugly You can even be a fascist dictator It doesn't matter As long as you've got a, you've got a little style And a big rocket ship Yes it's true, it can happen to you Now we're the hit of Syndicadio, on TV and radio We're signing autographs and getting awards wherever we go Wherever we go But it's no fun being world-famous when your name is just as big as ours Everybody's a star From the guy at the alley who sprays the bowling shoes To the idiot anchor on the evening news From the head of the Teamsters to a couple singing Jews From the janitor at Starbuck's to you and you and you Sooner or later everybody's gonna get their own sitcom Shut up, lights, camera, you're on You need some makeup, you have spinach in your teeth But it's inevitable You can be a weird, annoying, egomaniac Or the ex-mayor, of Cincinatti As long as you've got a perceptible heartbeat And an agent you can trust Yes it's true, it can happen to you Yes it's true, it will happen to you Copyright 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP MANIAC ON THE INTERSTATE I'm a meek gentle soul I would never hurt anyone I watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy for fun But when I get behind the wheel It's a different story indeed I'm a maniac on the interstate I'm powered by hostility I'm a psychopath in the carpool lane I'd cut off my own family I'm looking at a cardiac, doing 85 Get me to the DMV And take this freakin' license from me Cause it's not, cause it's not who I am I like knitting and canasta I'm an expert at shuffleboard Who needs 31 flavors, I run a vanilla store But when I turn that key There's a whole bunch of NASCAR in me I'm a maniac on the interstate Like everybody in LA I'm a psychopath with two cell phones Get the hell out of my way I'm blowing out my Cadillac, on the 405 (I've) got no liability Doing 'bout a hundred and three Busted by the CHP They took my phony license from me Cause it's not, cause it's not who I am Hi everybody, this is Al DiBraccio, your traffic professional in the channel 8 news copter... traffic is REAL ugly this afternoon... we've had an unprecedented EIGHTEEN personal injury accidents on the 405 between Rosecrantz and Mulholland, including 2 major gas spills and 7 fires, with at least 120 known fatalities, and all lanes are standing still from Oceanside up to Sacramento. Seems like one nutjob in a Cadillac has pretty much taken everyone out of the race today. This traffic report brought to you by the Betty Ford Idiot Driver Rehabilitation Clinic. Traffic making you nuts? Check into the idiot ward! Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP THREE BUCKS AN HOUR Well I saw an ad in the paper, and it seemed like just my type This advertisement read, "help wanted, male, dependable day or night Hours vary but forty a week is guaranteed Time and a half for over time and all the towels you need" Well I quickly dialed the number and I was greeted by a sigh And I said, "I'm calling about that job." He said, "You know how to cry?" "Sir I've sobbed in Cincinnati, lord I wept in Birmingham I leaked all over Louisville, I strained the Hoover Dam I watered beer in Milwaukee, salted peanuts down in Plains And they ring me up from Phoenix when they need some extra rain" I work, forty hours a week now baby, crying over you All the men you left behind tell me they got better things to do So they got up a pool, hired a professional fool I get, three bucks an hour now for crying over you Yes I do He said, "You ever been in love, son?" and I began to wail He said, "You just listen here," and he told me all your tales Of all the guys you've left, and before he got halfway through We both broke down a-sobbin' and he said, "I guess you'll do." So I got myself a bucket, and I built myself a chair And seven days out of the week now honey you can find me just a-sittin' there Waiting for a call from Bill or John or Bob or Kirk Keep on breaking hearts now honey I really need the work I work, forty hours a week now baby, crying over you All the men you left behind tell me they got better things to do So they got up a pool, hired themselves a professional fool I get, three bucks an hour now for crying over you And time and a half for overtime, fringe benefits too Copyright 1985 Michael Beeson ASCAP NO GROUPIES Nobody's waiting backstage, to take off our trousers No one gets minimum wage to worship and arouse us No groupies Nobody to grope and idolize us No groupies Hiding in the hatchback to surprise us Who's gonna follow us home and jump up and down in a thong Who's gonna pick up the phone and tell her naked friends to come along No groupies No constant unsolicited attention No groupies No need to purchase pregnancy prevention The Rolling Stones have girls up the wazoo Even though their prostates are turning blue Doesn't anyone fancy a Jew, or two No groupies No underwear propelled in our direction No groupies Just lots of practice dealing with rejection I think we've got it mastered to perfection I wanna make a teenage love connection And start my screaming nympho fan collection But I guess it won't be happening... tonight Copyright 1998 Jacob Kantor and Steve Goodie ASCAP I CONFESS I know this girl who's kind of wacked Nice guys just cannot turn her on, she likes psychos in the sack And though I've never done hard time For her I admit to every capital crime Cause when I concoct some evil doings She leaps into lingerie She lowers the lights, and she starts cooing "Baby, did you kill anyone today?" Oh you bet, I confess, with great speediness My lies always please her Those heads in the freezer (wink wink) They give her a smile Yes yes when I invent, a vicious event She begs me to squeeze her I'm a monster I guess I confess, come on let's, get undressed If I say I robbed the liquor store She squeals and writhes and hollers more more more more more more more She'll do whatever I tell her to When I say my library books are way way overdue And when I describe my five hijackings She dresses like a stewardess Now my seat is upright and locked for, snacking And she fondles my hostages Yes yes yes I confess I'm unscrupulous I'm no good, I'm trouble I'm no Barney Rubble Now let's hit the hay-ay-ay Yes I did it myself, not nobody else And the romance just doubles I have sinned and transgressed Yes yes yes, I confess -- get the peanut butter Now I may have gotten carried away When I confessed to killing both JFKs She looked suspiciously my way Til I said... "um... wait... not THOSE JFKs... I mean the John F. Konigsberg twins... You know, that stinky Hungarian acrobat team that you're always making fun of?" Yes yes yes I confess, I'm so malicious I'm wicked and sneaky I'm twisted and freaky I'm your kind of guy Yes yes, when I confess, though it's ficticious I'm no longer geeky What a beast I've become But at least I'm getting some... I CONFESS! Copyright 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP HIT BY A TRAIN Frank worked at the lumber store Guess he'd been there forever His life was wood, and he was bored And his heart was heavy Frank had loved many times before A little pleasure, lots of pain But when Sarah walked through that door, well Love hit him like a train, and he said... I don't want to get hit by a train no more I've tried it I don't like it I hate the way it makes you act like a fool I don't want to get hit by a train no more I've learned to live without it But tie me to the tracks and see what you can do Sarah worked as a receptionist She didn't really like her job But she had to feed two little kids Their daddy hadn't helped since he took off Oh how she had loved that man And now she thought that love was insane But when her eyes met Frank's, well Love hit her like a train, and she said... I don't want to get hit by a train no more I've tried it I don't like it Life already has enough stress I don't want to get hit by a train no more The kids won't understand it But tie me to the tracks and we'll work out the rest Sometimes you don't see those red flashing lights But Frank and Sarah were at their crossroads And their train was on time, and they said... I don't want to get hit by a train no more I've tried it I don't like it When it derails it'll mess up your mind I don't want to get hit by a train no more But with you I could ride it We're on the right track, let's see what we can find We're on the right track, let's get on down the line Copyright 1994 Ty Hager ASCAP PARKING SPOT I go to work in LA, and I don't want to be late Cause today I get paid, so I hit the freeway in my Primer-gray, Korean-made, hot Chevrolet It's called a Geo But then an hour I waste, cause there's no parking space Within a mile of the place, where I am going Is there some way, today, LA Let me out of my car, I need somewhere to park So I can get to work before dark It's asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one parking spot And if a spot comes my way, then I got to pay If I want it to stay where I put it cause They say they may tow it away At owner's expense So I can meet their demands, or take my life in my hands Park the car in gangland, and leave it someplace where it Could be attacked, whacked, ransacked, and more compact If I ever get it back Let me out of my car I think I see a nice spot over thar No, it's handicapped I can't disregard the blue wheelchair It's asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one damn parking spot I paid for tags and title, they won't even let me idle The world is one big parking lot So why can't I find one little parking spot Lovely Rita, oh I'd love to meet her Just so I could beat her With an all day L.A. tow-away parking meter Damn, let me out of my car, before I need a new calendar Gotta make way for the street-clean-ar They clean it a lot, oh God it's a plot, to take my parking spot I need a parking spot Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie ASCAP CRISIS CENTER HOTLINE VOLUNTEER God bless you, Crisis Center Hotline volunteer You welcome whining and complaining in your ear We never could have stood this But you're so damn full of goodness You come back each day so well-prepared to hear: I have no job, I have no home The voices won't leave me alone I can't go out I can't stay in I'm way too fat I'm much too thin My mother's all strung out on coke I'm sick and tired and weak and broke I have no pulse, I have no doubt That I have rickets and the gout I need a car I need a house I need a non-abusive spouse And I need children I need space And I need surgery on my face I need my friend Dom Perignon I need a ride to Al-Anon And I need money, I need love And I need all of the above And I need lots of Demerol I need to call and call and call and call and call... But enough about me... Sometimes the world won't give us any slack Aside from you, nobody gives a crap We don't know how you do it But we'll just leave you to it And hope and pray that you don't freakin' snap Copyright 1997 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP PRE-ARRANGED WEDDING We've been seeing each other for almost a day, hey It's time to get married Nice to meet you, I'm Larry You sure do look swell There's been great preparation in anticipation Of a pre-arranged wedding So to hell with the romance Let's go dance, and get smashed as well I love you, yes I do, sure I do And I can tell, I can tell you love me too, oh yeah I can tell by the way that your mother tells my mother that it's true I look forward to getting to know you We just might have something in common But for now first things first As rehearsed, say for better or worse I'll be fine, yes I will, sure I will Never mind that I look a little ill I just hope that the drugstore has lots and lots of tranquilizer pills We'll have so much to say when the guests go away And these wedding day jitters My heart patters and pitters And stops now and then Soon we'll need baby sitters To stay out past ten And although I just asked you I'll ask you again We're married, I love you Now, what was your name? Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP HIT IN OUTER SPACE A couple aliens dropped by my house On their way back to the saucer Their mission to acquire a sample of the sounds Earth music had to offer They randomly grabbed five albums From a pile of assorted CDs The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me And I'm proud to say my album is a hit in outer space I knew there had to be an audience for it someplace With just five albums to listen to on a billion-mile journey The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me Though way ahead of us they loved to twist and roll To those prehistoric earth rock tunes Speculate and discuss all the Beatles stole From the Two Jew Revue With just five albums to define Earth's musical history The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me And I'm proud to say my album is a hit in outer space I knew there had to be an audience for it someplace With just five albums to listen to on a billion-mile journey The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me Copyright 1998 Harve Mann ASCAP PAIN The slamming door broke his nose As his tears fell her laughter rose But she's not completely heartless She slid some tissue through the mail slot She said, "If you ever come round here again I'll have you hurt, I have some friends Who will happily break every limb that you got" Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore She yelled out the window, as he got to the street "Here's your stuff, I've arranged it all so neatly" And she tossed it to him But eleven floors can rearrange And an unabridged Webster's can cause a lot of pain Which he took on the chin Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore The feeling's gone, 'cept for the aforementioned pain Lost love hurts, but blood stains He wonders if his life will ever be the same He wonders how long the swelling will remain He wonders if his life will ever be the same He wonders if he'll ever breathe through his nose again The papers arrived today She's charging him with pain and suffering He's starting to think she don't love him anymore Copyright Copyright 1990 Ty Hager ASCAP STUDENT OF BEING F---ED OVER Tear my heart out Treat me cruel cruel cruel Put me on the bus Send me back to school I'm not gonna learn to read, I won't NEED the ABCs Cause my major is being f---ed over Sleep with the neighbor Take my last cent Total my Toyota And let me pay the rent I study through the night, so I don't have time to cry I'll get my bachelor's in being f---ed over Harvard and Yale, their curiculums fail I absorb, so much more, as your intern Baby I'll never learn, how to discern Burning love from just being burned Princeton and Purdue, they got nothing on you You're no community college, that would be a grievous misnomer On my wall you will see, my bachelor's degree It says MBFO on my diplomer That's Master's of Being F---ed Over So stab me in the back And laugh in my face face face Smear my good name all over the place I'm the Socrates of saps I'm the Schweitzer of schlemeils I'm a doctor of being f---ed over I'm a 4.0 student of being f---ed over Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP MONICA A parody of "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield There's something happening here It's been going on a couple of years There's grunting and moaning sounds Coming from the oval room in the White House She better stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down What a field day for the press They found a stain on Monica's dress They proved the case with DNA Tell me why's that work on Clinton, but not on OJ It won't stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Big bad Ken the lawyer strikes deep Ee's been working for tobacco creeps Spent 40 million dollars so far Bend over taxpayers, won't you have a cigar It's gotta stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound President Willy's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound Everyone but Hillary's going down Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jaz Kaner ASCAP |
I used to be unpopular, I didn't have a friend I couldn't say a word that wouldn't rankle or offend I thought that being honest was a noble policy Since then I've found a much more beneficial strategy Lie lie lie, til you're losing your voice Lie til you're red in the face Don't ask why, you don't have any choice There are times when the truth must be said But no one's discovered them yet She tells you that she loves you, boy, you say "I love you too" She says do I look fat, you say "are you size one or two?" You tell her that your love for her cannot be overstated And hope she never finds your special friend who is inflated Lie lie lie, when you've become the president Lie regarding where your weenie went Lie lie lie, til the cows come home And when they do look them straight in the eye And say, "hey, you smell sweet as pie!" Lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie Oh the food was just delicious, Of course I'll do the dishes, lie lie lie Lie lie lie, your new outfit is quite stunning, And all your jokes are funny, lie lie lie Lie lie lie, your new baby is adorable, And your virginity's restorable, lie lie Lie lie lie, I swear it's true your honor, I didn't know she was your daughter... oops! Lie lie lie cause you live in LA Lie lie lie on your acting resume Lie to get by, and lie to get laid There are times when the truth must be said But no one's discovered them yet No one's discovered them yet Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP WHISKERS AND ME I have a cat I love to pieces What's wrong with that? So we come from different species What's wrong with that? And I know I've been lonely too long But I know what we feel can't be wrong 'Cause Whiskers and me We're in love, can't you see We're just innocent victims of society And it's not what you think It's so much more beautiful than that Oh God I love that pussy cat A little pinch and a little paddle What's wrong with that A little whip and a teeny saddle What's wrong with that And what goes on when we're under the covers It's just like any other furry four-legged lovers 'Cause Whiskers and me Check each other for fleas We're growing so close, we're almost Siamese When she's using her tongue for a bath What could be more beautiful than that Once you've gone cat, you never go back Now you might not like, ten sharp claws on your wife But I'm fine with 'em And I know that you might, think that I have no life But I got nine of 'em Though all through the land Our love has been banned Still we play in the sand Hand in paw, paw in hand And I'm falling for her, and she's falling for me And though I'll land in jail, she will land on her feet 'Cause Whiskers and me Running naked and free In the alley at midnight, man, she's always in heat When the moon hits her eye like a fish in a frying pan What could be more beautiful than that Oh God I love that pussy cat I know we're in all sorts of trouble But man we only want to cuddle We make beautiful music together If the SPCA don't come get her She loves me but they don't want to let her Stick around, I'll tell you about my Irish Setter Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP SHE'S JEWISH Mama said, "Get it through your head You're a Jewish boy, and you'll marry a Jewish girl" I said, "Those Jewish girls won't give me the time of day Though they're pretty and they're sweet, they won't be seen with me" Mama said, "You'll see, a Jew will come your way" And one did, one day Though she's not what I expected She drinks she smokes, she scares old folks She only laughs at her own jokes She's terribly uncouth, she looks just like Babe Ruth She lies she spits, won't shave her pits She's got spackle in her make-up kit But I can't let her go, cause Mama says so Son, she's Jewish, she's Jewish And the wedding day's approachin' She's Jewish, she's Jewish And you'll love her cause she's chosen Oh my fate is sealed Mama says it's a done deal So you can keep your Ally McBeals I'll take the schnauser in high heels Cause she's Jewish, she's Jewish She's really mean, she's rarely clean She beats me like a tambourine Oy, the grief I'm takin', to keep Mama's heart from breakin' She loves corned beef, look, it's in her teeth She's plenty ample underneath And though she treats me badly, I'll take a lifetime of her, gladly Cause she's Jewish, she's Jewish And that's what Mama wanted Yeah, she's Jewish, she's Jewish She don't got it, but she'll flaunt it Mama says she's a steal She likes kishka in her oatmeal She's got kosher appeal She's pure matza meal She's built like Shaqille And I'm her shlemeil When she sings Hava Nagila I could sure use some tequila Nagila! Now she's mishpuchah Pain in the tuchas I'm black and blueish, because she's shrewish Not to mention moo-ish, now don't you boo-ish We're almost through-ish Oh she's Jewish She's Jewish Mazel tov! Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP PENELOPE, ARTHUR, AND STANLEY Arthur's so strong The strongest in the land Stanley's so tall Tall as any man How do I decide You don't It's no contest Pick me, me, me, me, me Arthur bought me a ring It's 14-carat granite (shut up) Stanley bought me a car And a moped just outran it (hey) How do I decide Come on He's a moron Pick me, me, me, me, me Love, love, love Pure and fragile as a dove You're pathetic, you don't have a clue Yes I do, no you don't It's me she loves, not you Not you, not you, no not you, no no no Arthur speaks French Oui oui oui oui oui wow Stanley speaks Spanish Si si si si si hmm How do I decide Oh please He drives a Pinto Pick me, me, me, me, me Love, love, love Precious gift from up above You're a dufus, you smell like a zoo no I don't, yes you do It's me she loves, not you Not you, not you, no not you, no no no And now this is serious I think it's time for a home and twelve children of my own Huh? I must choose who would be the better father Father? Would it be Stanley or would it be Arthur Arthur's so strong I'm really fairly average Stanley's so tall Well, I'm clumsy and I spit a lot How do I decide Hello? I'm a loser Pick him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP WHIPPED You're more woman than I deserve I'm so grateful that you came along Cause now I live to serve Since you taught me that I'm always wrong I love everything you do Love the moustache that you grew My genitalia belong to you See them roasting on the barbecue Do you think I'm whipped Cause I buy your tampons all year round Now I'm differently equipped And you got me peeing sitting down Hey I think I'll bleach my lip I read Woman's Day and I'm proud to say that I'm whipped I love the constant way you talk I'm thrilled with one fifth of the bed I kiss the ground on which you walk And I got new friends just like Redbook said No I don't think you're fat I'd take a bullet for your cat A thousand dollars for a hat No I don't see nothing wrong with that They say I'm whipped But my bachelor party was lots of fun Though nobody stripped Diet Coke was fine with everyone No I'm never gonna slip Oprah every day helps me stay this way, and I'm whipped You get ten, I get one That's our perfect bedroom ratio You got me speaking in tongues But who has time for that pesky fellatio They say I'm whipped Cause you keep the car keys out of reach My manhood's been snipped And I feel so fresh walking down the beach Now I'm happy in your grip I jump through hoops and I do flips Bring your butt to my lips I'm a eunuch, okay, but I'm proud to say that I'm whipped Copyright 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP BACON Boy I love bacon, I do, I love bacon One thing I'm not fakin' is this love of mine If you said I don't love bacon, you would be mistaken It's bacon for me, it's so easy to see Bacon for lunch, bacon snacks, bacon barbecue Bacon on an ice cream cone Bacon on the run and for fun, when I'm done I'm coming home and making bacon stew All for me, none for you Sure I love my children but not as much as bacon It's pretty darn close, but bacon gets the prize If I had to choose between saving them from drowning And saving bacon, I'd save, I'd save, I'd save, I'd save... Bacon with cheese, if you please, love to feel the grease Oozing out between my toes The sweetest of meats, for Halloween you can't beat A warm and juicy, bacon-y treat Let's find a pig and let's eat Bacon Mmmm This little piggy went to the movies This little piggy went to the show This little piggy ain't going nowhere He's comin' home with me You see, I got a hankerin' for some fresh bacon And the stores are closed and I got a serious achin' I just, I just, I just feel so boss dang bacon-y all over tonight! snort Bacon so hot, bacon cold, bacon popsicles Jello shots are bacon-y good Fry it or steam it, greasy wet-dream it Bacon t-shirts for everyone Isn't bacon so much fun Bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon Boy I love bacon, I do, I love bacon Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP HI MOM, IT'S ME You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek Please leave your name and number at the beep You have 30 seconds in which to speak beep Hi Mom it's me, your son, number 3 Pick up pick up pick up it's me it's Josh I wish you were in, cause by now it has been Three weeks since I did my wash It's such an awful quandary, I have tons of dirty laundry Not mention all the dishes in the sink If it isn't too much trouble come on over on the double Cause I fear I'm getting dizzy from the stink Oh jeez, it cut me off... You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek Please leave your name and number at the beep You have 30 seconds in which to speak beep Hi mom, it's Josh again, your gizmo cut me off again This time I'll try to speak more rapidly If the airport's on your way, the wife is flying in today And I'd go get her but there's bowling on TV The furnace needs a filter, hell the whole thing's out of kilter Better bring your socket wrenches when you come And if it wouldn't kill ya, get some polish for the silver It'll help you when you're scrubbing off the scum It cut me off AGAIN! Hello Joshua... Mom? You're there? Yes this is your mother, you should be more like your brother He takes care of things himself no help from me I do and do and do for you, but nothing's getting through to you You're 30 and still sitting on my knee I'm wasting no more breath, because I've babied you to death And Oprah says I have to draw the line Since I failed her Mother Test, I'm gonna yank you from my breast You rotten, no good, spoiled brat of mine Where did I go wrong...? "Okay mom, I understand, never mind... But Joshua have you eaten? I've got soup with kreplach heatin' I'll come feed you, precious darling son of mine Copyright 1998 Sharon Port, Steve Goodie, and Jacob Kantor ASCAP WHAT'S HE GOT THAT I DON'T GOT? He's got a house He's got a fancy car He's got a pool Looks like a movie star His mind is sharp and quick He's got a real big... entertainment center And he's got cable television Then I said Just one second now Hold that train of thought if you please I said, I could get, I could get Cable too Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP WEDDING BELLS Cindy Sue, you know and me and you've got some words to say I've been standing here at the altar since last Saturday The preacher's gone, everbody's gone There's no one left here to carry on Except me and the organ player She's waiting for me to pay her The best man stayed till a quarter to eight, then departed The maid of honor she had to go home broken-hearted My poor mama cried till the cold morning light I can't understand, it was feeling so right We never even quarreled I've discovered a brand-new moral Don't count your wedding bells too soon Least not before your honeymoon I'm picking my heart up off the floor And I'm not counting wedding bells no more Cindy Sue, well I guess maybe you found another I wish you well, but I hope that it's hell with each other Four days gone and I'm losing this fight I've got to return the tuxedo tonight And maybe this sounds crazy But I've been eying that organ lady But I won't count my wedding bells too soon Least not before my honeymoon I'm picking my heart up off the floor And I'm not counting wedding bells no more I'm picking my heart up off the floor And I'm not counting wedding bells no more I'm not counting wedding bells no more No more I'm not counting wedding bells no more Copyright 1996 Jacob Kantor ASCAP SEX WITH THE EX It's over, we know it's over And like adults who are calm, we wisely move on But the nights get so long, so long We have the same thing in mind, how 'bout one more time Sex with the ex, sex with the ex The story is over, more or less We made a clean break, now we're making a mess Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Now we're here on the fence, making no sense The sexual tension, ought to be past tense We're over and done, but we're still overcome We're supposed to be through, so what do we do Sex with the ex, sex with the ex We hung up the phone but didn't, disconnect We can't pay the bill, so we're calling collect Sex with the ex, sex with the ex I want out Let me out! I want in Oh come on Let's go back No no out! Where we been Till something better comes along Go away, come back One more time in the sack No no, never, but it's better than ever Sex with the ex, sex with the ex We closed the account but we're still writing checks My friends disapprove, and my lawyer objects Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Like a Woody Allen movie with special effects He'd be so impressed, he'd let us direct Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Copyright 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP EXTRA I am an extra in the movie of my life I did not get a speaking role I auditioned in the valley, after waiting six hours I'm an extra, cause they say I am I don't need the bright lights, cause I have a donut I slept with the director, I slept with the AD I slept with the key grip, and the makeup lady Well, I wanted to, but she smacked me I am an extra in the movie of my life I worked nine twelve-hour days I got four seconds of screen-time In a crowd scene in downtown Baghdad I'm the one with my back to the camera With my hair standing up, and my finger in my ear I am an extra in the movie of my life And I am not union I am an extra, and I'll be your waiter tonight Copyright 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP |
It's over, we know it's over And like adults who are calm, we wisely move on But the nights get so long, so long We have the same thing in mind, how 'bout one more time Sex with the ex, sex with the ex The story is over, more or less We made a clean break, now we're making a mess Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Now we're here on the fence, making no sense The sexual tension, ought to be past tense We're over and done, but we're still overcome We're supposed to be through, so what do we do Sex with the ex, sex with the ex We hung up the phone but didn't, disconnect We can't pay the bill, so we're calling collect Sex with the ex, sex with the ex I want out Let me out! I want in Oh come on Let's go back No no out! Where we been Till something better comes along Go away, come back One more time in the sack No no, never, but it's better than ever Sex with the ex, sex with the ex We closed the account but we're still writing checks My friends disapprove, and my lawyer objects Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Like a Woody Allen movie with special effects He'd be so impressed, he'd let us direct Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Copyright 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP WHIPPED You're more woman than I deserve I'm so grateful that you came along Cause now I live to serve Since you taught me that I'm always wrong I love everything you do Love the moustache that you grew My genitalia belong to you See them roasting on the barbecue Do you think I'm whipped Cause I buy your tampons all year round Now I'm differently equipped And you got me peeing sitting down Hey I think I'll bleach my lip I read Woman's Day and I'm proud to say that I'm whipped I love the constant way you talk I'm thrilled with one fifth of the bed I kiss the ground on which you walk And I got new friends just like Redbook said No I don't think you're fat I'd take a bullet for your cat A thousand dollars for a hat No I don't see nothing wrong with that They say I'm whipped But my bachelor party was lots of fun Though nobody stripped Diet Coke was fine with everyone No I'm never gonna slip Oprah every day helps me stay this way, and I'm whipped You get ten, I get one That's our perfect bedroom ratio You got me speaking in tongues But who has time for that pesky fellatio They say I'm whipped Cause you keep the car keys out of reach My manhood's been snipped And I feel so fresh walking down the beach Now I'm happy in your grip I jump through hoops and I do flips Bring your butt to my lips I'm a eunuch, okay, but I'm proud to say that I'm whipped Copyright 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP THE VOMIT SONG Martha's the most beautiful sight I've ever seen Long brown eyes, hair so green I want to write her poetry I need to tell her I love her Fancy restaurant, candle-lit meal Young and tender, innocent veal I try to tell her just how I feel When that feeling gives way to another... and I... Barf, heave, gag, spill, wretch, blow chunks Do the technicolor yawn, toss my cookies, lose my lunch Do reverse shooters, regurgitate, spew Upchuck, throw up, vomit, hurl, and puke Martha's getting married, before the Lord they stand She's marrying Bobby, and I'm his best man He asks for the ring, and he holds out his hand Bet he wishes he'd worn gloves of rubber... when I... Barf, heave, gag, spill, wretch, blow chunks Do the technicolor yawn, toss my cookies, lose my lunch Do reverse shooters, regurgitate, spew Upchuck, throw up, vomit, hurl, and puke Pray to the porcelain goddess, send the Tidy Bowl Man running Cough up a furball, do some commode hugging Grandma's dead, the family's gathered 'round She looks just like she's sleeping, but this is how she sounds (knock) It's time to put the poor old lady in the ground I lean over to tell her I love her... but then I... Barf, heave, gag, spill, wretch, blow chunks Do the technicolor yawn, toss my cookies, lose my lunch Do reverse shooters, regurgitate, spew Upchuck, throw up, vomit, hurl, and puke See, songwriting isn't all that complicated. I just sat and thought about all the places that throwing up might be inappropriate: on a date, at a wedding, at a funeral, on Jeopardy, in a library, at a job interview, on your first day as a waiter, on your second day as a waiter, pretty much any day as a waiter, at a bar mitzvah, during sex, at the opera, when meeting her parents, when talking someone off a ledge, during brain surgery, in a manger with a virgin, any place with a No Vomiting sign. Copyright 1994 Steve Goodie and Ty Hager ASCAP NEIGHBORHOOD TITTY BAR It could be a little dive way back in the woods Or a gentlemen's club in a nice neighborhood A big scary guy takes your cash at the door And once you're inside you're gonna spend a ton more There's lots of pickup trucks And the ambience sucks Neighborhood titty bar The neon sign says The Bungalow And the ladies put on a predictable show They can't really dance and they really can't sing But for a dollar you can look at every damn thing Every night you'll find us there Getting hit with underwear All us losers sit and stare At the hooters everywhere Neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood Neighborhood titty bar Can't pay my bills, can't pay my rent Using up the money that my mommy sent I tuck dollar bills into their shorts Instead of paying my child support All right, gentlemen, that was the beautiful Amber on stage number one, and ravishing Heidi on stage number two. Come on, fellas, put your hands together and let them know how much you appreciate their talents. Every night you'll find us there We're the socially impaired Hey I brought some coke to share But you gotta kiss me right there Neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood Neighborhood titty bar Neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood Neighborhood titty bar Okay, coming up we have the gorgeous Denim on stage number one, and the ever-stimulating Cocoa on stage two. And remember, lap dances and couch dances are available, at very reasonable prices! Hey there, honey... are you having a good time? You bet, baby! I bet it could be better, though... Hey, hands off, asshole! Butch! Okay, pal, that's it. You're outta here. Hey, man, she was asking for it! I want my money back! That bitch took a hundred of my cash and she gets all pissy cause I want a little something back?! Jesus f---ing Christ, what kind of place you running here? Did you see that? Yeah. What a jerk. God, they're all morons, aren't they? Hiya, baby. Wanna lap dance? Copyright 1995 Steve Goodie PREGNANT I found out I was pregnant last week And it was kind of a shock, I could hardly speak Cause you never really think it'll happen to you But I peed in a cup, so I know it's true My wife says yes sir, I don't mean maybe My little mister's gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm not eating right, though I know I oughter I'm cranky, I can't stand up, and I'm retaining water People say I'm starting to glow My bowling league buddies don't call me no more My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe My little mister's gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah And my sister's mad, she's in a jealous rage Cause she thought surely she'd be the first one to reach this stage Well I didn't mean to make her no irater I'm just a testosterone incubator My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe My little mister's gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah So I called my doc up, said what about abortion Cause I'm knocked up despite this foreskin And the doc said she's never heard of this It just can't be without a uterus Uterus! My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe My little mister's gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah And the doc just said keep it clean, avoid infection And I said doc, how do you feel about Caesarian Section Cause if my doctor won't do it, I'm gonna deck her No son of mine's coming out of my -- pecker My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe My little mister's gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah You can have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Copyright 1991 Steve Goodie ASCAP I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME (FOR A DORK LIKE THAT) He's got no job, and he's got no credit When he runs out of beer, you run and get it He dips and he smokes but he never ever flosses With goofy long hair that he never ever washes I can't blame you for leaving me flat But I can't believe that you left me for a dork like that How could you leave me For a dork like that? How could you leave me He's got an '89 Yugo with leather inside Loves his big-screen and his big double-wide Ask him the time, he can't tell it He's got a GED, but he can't spell it I can't blame you for leaving me flat But I can't believe that you left me for a dork like that How could you leave me For a dork like that? How could you leave me Now you tell me I'm wrong, say I'm way out of line I'm so jealous and bitter, I've lost my damn mind But it ain't me, babe, news flash I got kicked out of bed so you could sleep with the trash If he's your type, I hope you never come back But I still can't believe that you left me for a dork like that How could you leave me For a dork like that? How could you leave me For a dork like that? How could you leave me For a dork like that? How could you leave me For a dork like that? Copyright 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP HORNY DESPERATE GUY I come in alone, and I hope I look cute My shoes are shiny, as shiny as my suit I've got some folding cash, and I'm here to mingle I'm mostly flash, and it's mostly singles And I sit at the bar and I check out the crowd And I can't hear a thing 'cause my suit is so loud And I say, "Hey baby," about twenty times They roll their eyes, as they roll on by And I say, "Baby, you're looking fine You're looking good, girl, hey what's your sign?" And they all see right through the bleak look in my eye They can see I'm a horny, desperate guy And I'm out on the town, I could not get a date I got a crummy little life, that you can validate And I look at your chest while you look in my eye I'm just a horny, desperate guy So I've learned how, to drink alone I carry major plastic, I carry a phone I rented a Ferrari, with tinted windows Cause someone repossessed my '81 Pinto And the grease in my hairpiece runs into my eye I'm just a horny desperate guy So I sit at the bar for hours at a time As one by one they reject my pickup line Now they're closing it down, and I go home alone I get into bed, and I pick up the phone And I dial 1-900 get naked with me And I kiss my wife and I drop off to sleep I was out on the town, I could not get a date So I wound up at home, and I paid to masturbate But tomorrow and every damn day til I die I'll be a horny, desperate guy Desperate guy Copyright 1994 Steve Goodie ASCAP (I WROTE YOU A SONG AND) I WANT IT BACK I gave you my heart, I didn't make you win it I gave you a dress, but I never saw you in it Now you say it's over, just as soon as we begin it Here's a flower, baby, stick your nose in it When I wrote you this song, I thought you were mine Then you sprouted some horns, so I grew me a spine But my lawyer says no you can't give her a smack Well I wrote you this song, now I want it back I wanted you bad, you wanted to wait You put up this wall I couldn't penetrate You said you were waiting for the perfect time Turns out I was waiting in a really long line When I wrote you this song, I'd have given you the sky Turns out you seduced Van Buren Junior High And in the library, too, in the non-fiction stacks Well I wrote you this song, now I want it back Do you love me Or anyone you know (are you into backup singers) Do you want this song Do you know how it goes No I don't think you know When I wrote you this song, it was lightness and fluff I couldn't do no better, I couldn't get enough Now I'm serious like a f---ing heart attack You can keep my stuff, but I want this song back I wrote you a song and now I want it back I wrote you a song and now I want it back I wrote you a song and now I want it back I wrote you a song and now I want it back I wrote you a song and now I want it back I wrote you a song and now I want it back You can keep my stuff but I want this song back Copyright 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP RULES This big world is so mean and cold I always do just what I'm told So even though I am not too bright The rules are always right As a boy I was good in school Obeyed teacher, and every rule My nose was always somewhere between Brown and squeaky clean Now my life is just as meaningful as can be Cause I only look in front of me I hear the drum, and I march in place With a mindless gaze, plastered on my face I will be all that I can be Rule me, and the rules will take good care of me Now I get up at 6 each day Have a donut and shower and shave Carpool to work where I Follows rules until 5 Now my life is just stretching in front of me Happy happy is all I see I hear the drum, and I march in place With a mindless gaze, plastered on my face Cause I know what they want from me Little mindless me, the rules want to suck out my identity But as hard as I might try I lie awake crying why why why Do I have to be so inadequate I wanna be good but I'm so damn bad at it You won't hear a complaint from me I'm happy knowing they're watching me I hear the drum, and I march in place With a mindless gaze, stapled to my face Just a lemming boy that's me That's the real me, and the rules will always take care of me And the rules are always fair to me I'm lucky, man, to be American From sea to f---ing sea Little mindless me, don't don't don't don't take the rules from me Copyright 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP CRINGING BASTARD She said: "Hi, I'm a goddamned atheist" Shaking my hand aggressively "Like a male gynecologist I do enjoy that irony" Man she scared me Yes she scared me Is that really irony? She scared the living crap out of me You cringing bastard Stand up to her Are you a man or a... She said: "I want to have your baby Touch me with seductive hands Be my little donor won't you? I need your reproductive glands" Man she scared me Yes she scared me I filled the cup, all the way up, yup yup yup She scared the swimming boys out of me You cringing bastard Why did you do her Are you a man or a... She said: "Come and get your baby" Shaking a gun with both her hands "You know you are the daddy, don't you? It's parenthood, just like we planned" Man she scared me Yes she scared me Do you think he looks like me? She made a scary me out of me You cringing bastard You look familiar Are you a boy or a... Copyright 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP NO BUTT Our brand new baby is happy and smart Our little baby is healthy and cute Our brand new baby has all his parts And precious little dimples to boot But when we gently turned him over To lovingly inspect him We found to our horror that our bundle of joy Was born without a rectum Now everything else about him is fine Ten little fingers and toes so tiny So it's only natural that we're inclined To wonder what happened to his little hiney Cause everything stays inside of him There's no way out, just a way in He looks so perfect, but guess what No ifs, no ands... and no butt We took him to the doctor Me and my poor bride We were hoping for a transplant Something in a new backside The doc looked our baby over He sighed and shook his head He charged us a couple hundred bucks And he sat us down and said: "He has a cheek-deficit on the order of two He's buttock-shy my friends You can swap out hearts and livers and lungs But no one replaces rear ends" So everything has to stay in his gut From strained bananas to Pizza Hut He looks so perfect, but the point is moot No ifs, no ands... and no poop-chute He'll have to stand up everywhere Cause you can't sit down without a derriere And he'll never go dancing, that'd be a mistake Cause the little guy has no booty to shake Can't do no waltz can't do no bump It takes two to tango and you need your own rump Now I wonder what happens to his food Talk about intestinal fortitude I shouldn't be rude, shouldn't be crass But this poor little dude doesn't have no ass Cause everything stays inside of him There's no way out, just a way in He looks so perfect, but guess what No ifs, no ands... and no butt Copyright 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP HEY LOOK MY WAY Hey look my way one time Hey look my way one time Don't mean you no harm and I ain't committed no crime Hey, just halfway, one time Hey, just halfway, one time Don't mean you no harm and I ain't committing no crime Hey, don't throw it away, this time Hey, don't throw it away, this time Don't mean you no harm, and I ain't gonna settle this time Hey look my way one time Hey look my way one time Don't mean you no harm and I ain't committed no crime Copyright 1997 Steve Goodie and Andy Hirsch ASCAP MY BROTHERS And now that the goodbyes have been said And my deepest fear fully allayed Parenthesis -- of not being missed -- close parenthesis A greater grief appears, and it goes something like this: I never knew how much I love my brothers Til I left those idiots behind While we shared the one town, I rarely came around And now I've left, and they won't leave my mind So who's the idiot, with something left to find? I can't sing the truth the way my brothers do I try to find that nugget, and I laugh it off Semi-colon -- that's just grand -- dot dot dot, or ampersand The song had just begun, the day I left the band I never knew how much I love my brothers Self-destructive artistically inclined With so much common ground, you'd think I'd stick around Yeah fate is cruel, but I usually don't mind So who's the idiot, with something left to find? And I knew I'd miss the girl, who blew apart my world I braced myself and turned the heart to stone But I was so unprepared, for this whole other despair Four mothers made five brothers, and number five is all alone I never knew how much I love my brothers Til I left those idiots behind They'll soon be on their way, and they might head west they say The water's clear, but it's got me running blind So who's the idiot, with something left to find? Copyright 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP IF I WERE YOU (I'D BE SO SICK OF US) If you had six billion children who laugh in your face Busting up the furniture, and wrecking the place Would you love them, I wonder And when something goes wrong, when someone gets hurt They whine and they cry, please oh please help us sir Would you love them, I wonder Could you love them, I wonder Oh God if I were you I'd be so sick of us I'd wash my hands of this sad populace Walk away in dismay and disgust If I were you I'd be so sick of us And if the children bitch that you don't answer prayers Saying, "How can you just sit and watch from over there While we kill one another, you're so goddamned unfair You let us suffer, oh my God you just don't care" Would you love them, I wonder Could you love them, I wonder Oh God if I were you I'd be so sick of us I'd wash my hands of this cold populace Walk away in dismay and disgust If I were you I'd be so sick of us Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God... While your children are dying Oh my God... God you're not even trying I couldn't blame you for leaving us If I were you I wouldn't speak to us But sometimes in the sky I see a tear in your eye Oh God if I were you I'd be so sick of us I'd wash my hands of this damn populace Walk away in dismay and disgust If I were you I'd be so sick of us Copyright 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP HEY SCOUT Hey Scout, I can't come out You're under my tree with your worry and doubt There's nothing I can do but let you go You know the ground gets cold under that tree You're barefoot and overalls, wondering about me, and I I just want to let you know I'm never that far away I'm watching you and your brother play I'm locked in my tower trying to kill the hours And I want to scream and shout I've been in here for so many years Hey Scout, I can't come out Hey Scout, you better watch out There's a house on fire and a big old drought I got a blanket for you, and a face I can't show I know the kids are cruel, and their parents are mad But it's gonna get good when it's done being bad, and I I just want to let you know I'm never that far away I'm sending you love in the tree every day I'm locked in my tower trying to kill the hours And I'm doing all right without If you come around here in a couple of years Hey Scout, I might come out Baby it's not time to worry yet Let's see how strong you can get I know you feel so small You're just scared, that's all It's your time, it's your life And if it's deathly dark And there's a man with a knife Remember I'm never that far away I'll carry Jem home to you any day I'm locked in my tower trying to kill the hours And I want to scream and shout When you come around here in a couple of years Hey Scout Hey Scout, I might come out Copyright 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP PRETTY DAY Driving through a storm I learn to watch the signs Learn to take it slow Trying just to stay alive A man gets used to lousy weather A man forgets it can get better Which is why I don't know what to do With a pretty day, a pretty day like you So when the rain stops falling I don't see the sun Keep my eyes on the road And I leave the wipers on A man gets used to lousy weather A man forgets it can get better Which is why I don't know what to do With a pretty day, a pretty day like you Love storms in, and love storms out Clouds go on forever, and they wash me in doubt The weatherman, never can, protect me from the rain As I stumble from my shelter, tempting pain, once again Tempting pain once again Again A man gets used to lousy weather A man forgets it can get better And now I'll have to see what I can do With a pretty day, a pretty day like you Oh I'll try to let myself enjoy the view Of a pretty day, a pretty day come true You're a pretty day, a pretty day, it's true Copyright 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP |
A parody of "Yer So Bad" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers My sister's new husband was also her cousin They found out when she gave birth Cause when chromosomes linger you get extra fingers It's natural selection in reverse So what, caused, these flaws Was it a lack, of, in-laws Oh yer in-bred One eyebrow across your head When kin-folk wed Yer in-bred My sister's new husband, well pretty soon he wasn't He split soon as he heard the news So she found her another, married our brother This family is so damn confused Cause some-thing's, wrong when You can count, to, eleven Oh yer in-bred One eyebrow across your head When kin-folk wed Yer in-bred Oh yer in-bred One eyebrow across your head When kin-folk wed Yer in-bred Copyright 1991 Steve Goodie ASCAP SO HAPPY TOGETHER A parody of "Happy Together" by The Turtles Imagine me and you, I often do I think about it day and night, this isn't right There's something that I meant to say, to say last night When we were together Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you) No matter how you toss the dice, the number's three I'm guilty of a crime that they, call bigamy Rebecca meet Heather I can't see me loving nobody but you, except my wife I'm not single but baby I really dig you, just like my wife Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you) I think it could be twice as nice, just wait and see The only ones for me are you (and her) and her for me (and you) So happy with either I can't see me loving nobody but you, except my wife She's open-minded, I think she'll really like you, put down that knife Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you) I think you're over-reacting dear, just let it be You know how nice a couple is, imagine three So happy together Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you) I think you'll both get used to it, eventually Just think of it as stereo, fidelity So happy together So happy together Are you into leather So happy together We're happy together So happy together So happy together So happy together So happy together So happy together Copyright 1989 Steve Goodie, Scott Mosenson, and Andy Hirsch ASCAP CHROMOSOME A parody of "Kodachrome" by Paul Simon When I think back on all the hair I had in high school I have to wonder how I lost it all So I looked it up, and it's maternally genetic Which means my mother's genes have made me bald Her chromosomes Made my head nice and shiny Made all my follicles so tiny Make me wear a baseball cap every damn day, oh yeah I got a nylon hairpiece Like no one would notice that Mama won't you take my chromosomes away So now I'm sitting watching Geraldo at 2 in the morning I know it's dumb but I just have to watch And then he brings out this doctor who says He has the cure for the follicly-challenged Turns out he transplants hair from the crotch It's better than a chromosome Now I feel good and I feel worldly Cause he re-attached all my little curlies Now I can throw this nasty baseball cap away, oh yeah This doctor is some kind of medical giant He's not just the president, he's a client Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome Doctor came and took my chromosome Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome He moved my pubes to my chrome dome Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome Doctor came and took my chromosome away Okay... Copyright 1994 Steve Goodie ASCAP NED BEATTY A parody of "The Waiting" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now Go and get something I ain't never seen And on the discount rack I see Deliverance I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene Where they meet the hillbillies, and they're big and they're mean Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees It's Ned Beatty Beatty Beatty Ned Beatty had the hardest part Cause redneck love leaves emotional scars I guess he didn't read, the script too far Ned Beatty had the hardest part Well I wonder what kind of parts Ned turned down Oh I wonder how desperate he was Cause I've heard it's pretty tough in Hollywood But I wouldn't ever let them tie me to a tree Screaming and holding up my BVDs And waiting for Burt to come and rescue me Saying "Hey Burt!" Hey Burt "Hey-ay-ay!" Ned Beatty had the hardest part If you got a purty mouth you can be a big star I bet the next day, his agent got fired Ned Beatty had the hardest part Well, don't let him get you Ned Don't let him next to you Don't let him get you Ned You know what he's wants to do? Think of your mama, Ned Put you through drama school Is this what she had in mind? You think she's proud of you? Ned Beatty had the hardest part He's taking method acting just a bit too far Cause this ain't exactly, Shakespeare in the park Ned Beatty had the hardest part Copyright 1994 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP 60s MEDLEY A parody of a variety of classic songs from the 60s (Louie Louie) Pretty much just mumble the words... (Like A Rolling Stone) Once upon a time I learned to rhyme I can't sing a line, but you don't mind Do you (Aquarius) When the moon, is in the seventh house And Jupiter aligns with Mars That's when my dog, pees in every room in the house Eats the trash, chews my shoes and chases cars I drowned my poodle in the neighbor's aquarium Neighbor's aquarium Aquarium, aquarium Copyright 1990 Steve Goodie & Andy Hirsch ASCAP LITTLE GERBIL An abbreviated parody of �Oh Pretty Woman� by Roy Orbison Little gerbil, crawl on up my butt Little gerbil, I hope you don't get stuck Little gerbil I'm just as horny as I can be I shove little animals in me (Forceps) Copyright 1993 Steve Goodie ASCAP LIKE A DOG Could have sworn it was a pretty good relationship But looking back I can see I was full of it She may have been a real nice trip, but she treated me like a dog From the time she took me off the street And fed me and gave me a place to sleep she owned me And it was pretty neat, but she treated me like a dog She'd say, roll over, and then she'd pat my head But it's funny, cause I gave her the bone and she played dead She'd say, heel Rover, down boy down Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around So who was the dog, and was the master I guess it depends on who you ask But I'm here to broadcast that she treated me like a dog Cause like a dog I loved to play And like a man I made mistakes And like the dog I was I strayed, but she treated me like a dog She'd say, roll over, and then she'd pat my head But it's funny, cause I gave her the bone and she played dead She'd say, heel Rover, down boy down Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around She'd say, roll over, and then she'd pat my head But it's funny, cause I gave her the bone and she played dead She'd say, heel Rover, down boy down Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around Copyright 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP TEXACO A parody of "Mexico" by James Taylor Pull in here, or I won't make it too far I'm on fumes, I need to get some gas at the Star Pump is slow, takes an hour to fill up my car Oh, Texaco You're always self-serve, so I'm on my own Now I smell like gas so everyone knows I've been to Texaco Teenage employee give me the restroom key It's on a big block of wood and it weighs more than me The men's room is nice, it was cleaned back in '83 Oh, Texaco You won't check my oil, I don't know if it's low But you'll sell me some Camels, you'll sell me some Skoal Check the tires? I don't think so Baby's hungry so I got us some chips A couple beef jerkys and some onion dip It comes to 30 bucks, put it on the credit card, times are hard Oh Texaco It's 3 in the morning and business is slow The moon's so bright, and there's no cops in sight Makes a holdup seem all right Oh Texaco I've never been to jail, but I think I may go Oh I didn't know You got me on video Talking 'bout Texaco... Next time I'll try Amoco... Or Mapco, I don't know Copyright 1994 Steve Goodie ASCAP REDNECK A parody of "Blackbird" by The Beatles Redneck singin' in the dead of night Beltin' out old Hank with all his might All his life He's been chewin' dippin' spittin' and suckin' down Miller Lite Redneck spittin' in a paper cup If he does it one more time I may throw up He says, �Boy, say what? I may be spittin' someplace else, if'n you don't shut up� Redneck fight Redneck's white �Say, let's all get drunk and go harrass women tonight!� Redneck pissin' on the side of the road And if he had the time, he'd drop a load �But the damn ditch overflowed Boy, back where I come from, all the world's a commode.� Redneck fight Redneck's white �Let's all get drunk and bash queers tonight!� Redneck ridin' in a pickup truck Tryin' to pick up women, but havin' no luck He says, �Hey darlin', come here, let's uh, you know...� And if that don't work out, he'll try and get his sister for a buck �But wouldn't you know it darlin, my goddam zipper's stuck.� Copyright 1991 Steve Goodie ASCAP IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN ALABAMA I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough It was a special anniversary, of the day she took all my stuff I was looking at the menu, and the lovely pictures there The waitress said "Welcome to Waffle House, can I take your order?" And I looked up and stared at my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House In a Waffle House in Alabama I just sat and stared and stammered Revenge don't come much sweeter than that I wasn't quite good enough for her And now she's cleaning up for sure Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run I just smiled and thought to myself, "This could be fun" I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker" She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica In the Waffle House in Alabama I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?" Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use For my ex-wife." Cause I sure couldn't In a Waffle House in Alabama Wishing to hell I had my camera Revenge don't come much sweeter than that She left me for another lover Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Soon after she'd taken it all and split It seems that biker ran off with it Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam To truckers and bikers in Birmingham "You want grits with that?" I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit And I figured I should leave her, a real nice tip So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write "Next time don't leave a good man for a looser with a bike or you'll end up..." In a Waffle House in Alabama You got what you deserve goddam ya Revenge don't come much sweeter than that Her brand new lover took all her junk Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Copyright 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY STAR A parody of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" by John Denver Well the life of a star is kind of laid back You write a couple songs, cut a couple tracks Buy a big bus with a bar in the back Thank God I'm a country star It's a simple kind of life and it sure is fun Signing autographs and lying in the sun Polishing all the gold records I've won Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star When the work day's done and the sun's sinking low I get out of bed, I can't sleep no more And I drink a little coffee, sniff a little blow Thank God I'm a country star Well my financial situation wasn't doing too well All my darn money had gone straight to hell Brother thank God for Taco Bell And Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star Copyright 1990 Steve Goodie and Sukey Smith ASCAP A DAY IN THE LIFE A parody of "A Day In The Life" by The Beatles I read the news today oh boy About a running back who had it made And though the news is rather old I watch it night and day Hang on every word they say He stabbed her brains out with a knife He didn't notice that his clothes were stained He sort of tried to run away He didn't get too far Nobody was really sure if he was even in the car I saw a chase today oh boy This white Ford Bronco slowly led the way A crowd of people stood and stared They'd seen him run before Running through the airport I'd love to turn you off... Woke up, got out of bed Put a knife inside her head Found my way outside and caught a plane And looking back, I think that was a mistake Got a room, and had a drink Washed the glove out in the sink Found my way back home and got a gun And Al came by and we cruised at 35... I read the news today oh boy Four thousand lawyers squeezing O.J. now And though their salaries ain't small He'll have to pay them all When there's a knife inside your wife, Bob Shapiro is the man to call I'd love to turn you off... Copyright 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP YESTERDAY (for Kato) A parody of "Yesterday" by The Beatles Yesterday O.J.'s couch was just a place to stay Now I'm the hottest thing to hit L.A. Although I can't spell D.N.A. Suddenly I've become a big celebrity I'm the idiot on Court TV And there's movies being made for me Why she had to go I don't know, and I can't say But I'll get a starring role since Nicole has gone away Yesterday I was sleeping on a fold-away I had very little rent to pay Now people call me Special K Why they love me so I don't know, it was effortless Now I've got cash to spend cause my friends were knifed to death Yesterday I had nothing very bright to say And that's pretty much the case today And I'll ride this bulls--- all the way Mmm mmm mm mmm mm mm mm Copyright 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP |
Bill and Joanne have been married a year And they've made arguing a second career He says they're okay, she says they're just fine They just happen to spend some loud quality time I can't believe you told everybody this outfit makes my butt look big! Like they wouldn't notice! They go to a wedding and just for fun They show the newlyweds just how it's done On Valentine's Day she points out his toupee Bill says there's nothing like PMS every day A funeral or Christmas party suits them all right They wait for occasions to have a big fight They don't do this at home, it's just publicity Special occasion, special occasion Well you know they only fight occasionally Stop looking at the waitress. I'm trying to order dinner, okay? Oh, you always say that! Joanne took the stereo out of Bill's car So Bill reprogrammed Joanne's VCR Joanne numbered Bill's faults, she made a whole list We heard all about it at their son's bris And my mother is moving in. Not into my house. Where do you think, the garage? Where are you going to sleep? Will they make up, I don't think they can Not the way that jerk has been treating Joanne Can they ever get along, I don't think they will Not if that bitch keeps on nagging at Bill Over in Spain when they have the bulls run Or watching the total eclipse of the sun They're a very very vocal minority Special occasion, special occasion Cause you know they only fight occasionally We're getting rid of your cat! And your bowling ball! And your damn dog! I don't have a dog - that's my mother! It's so embarrassing, and they do this every time I take it you bought stock in mastercard! He always yells, she always whines Take me to Miami! Oh, that's original. And we're learning so much more than we really want to know She has a tattoo on her butt, his sperm count is low is low Joanne says all he likes to do is get drunk and hunt alcoholic Bill takes another drink and he calls her a... name They go to a party and they have it out From across the room we can all hear them shout They air it out in public for everyone to see Special occasion, special occasion You know they only fight occasionally You know I never would have married you if I'd known you were going to blow up like a house! Well it's the only house you'll ever have! Hey, at least I've got a job! You don't have a job - you work at a convenience store! Well it's more than you do all day long! At least I make enough money to buy you a mink coat! My mother bought me a mink coat! Well I would have bought the coat but your brother lost all my money on that investment deal! That is it! I'm moving back in with mother! You know they only fight occasionally On Groundhog's Day she lets us know he's a jerk You know they only fight occasionally On the 4th of July they drown out the fireworks You know they only fight occasionally Copyright 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP CLOSET HETEROSEXUAL I met a girl, she played the saxophone I told her I loved her, she told me to leave her alone She played in one of those bars where men didn't come I came anyway, I was just looking for fun She said that she didn't like men She said she was a lesbian Now her friends said it was cool, some said it was mod Some even called it avant garde But I didn't care, I kept hanging out She got one of the bouncers to come kick me out Now the bouncer was mean, a three-day beard on the face Six foot three, her name was Grace But I didn't care, I couldn't take the hint Because I was completely convinced She was a closet heterosexual, I know that she really liked me Closet heterosexual, heterophobic as can be Closet heterosexual, I know that she really liked men Closet heterosexual, cause being a lesbian was in Well I came back unrecognized Cause I was wearing a disguise The saxophone player she had that look in her eyes She bought me a drink and then she listened to my lies She came home with me, but she wasn't what she seemed Cause oh what a mess, under that dress my princess was a queen Out of the closet heterosexual, he thought that I really liked men Back in the closet heterosexual, too many roosters, not enough hens Closet heterosexual, he ran out the door, and that was okay with me Closet heterosexual, he threatened my masculinity Copyright 1988 Chris Chandler, Sukey Smith, and Steve Goodie ASCAP IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN ALABAMA I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough It was a special anniversary, of the day she took all my stuff I was looking at the menu, and the lovely pictures there The waitress said "Welcome to Waffle House, can I take your order?" And I looked up and stared at my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House In a Waffle House in Alabama I just sat and stared and stammered Revenge don't come much sweeter than that I wasn't quite good enough for her And now she's cleaning up for sure Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run I just smiled and thought to myself, "This could be fun" I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker" She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica In the Waffle House in Alabama I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?" Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use For my ex-wife." Cause I sure couldn't In a Waffle House in Alabama Wishing to hell I had my camera Revenge don't come much sweeter than that She left me for another lover Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Soon after she'd taken it all and split It seems that biker ran off with it Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam To truckers and bikers in Birmingham "You want grits with that?" I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit And I figured I should leave her, a real nice tip So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write "Next time don't leave a good man for a looser with a bike or you'll end up..." In a Waffle House in Alabama You got what you deserve goddam ya Revenge don't come much sweeter than that Her brand new lover took all her junk Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Copyright 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP BONEHEADS ON MY TV There's boneheads on my TV Ah-ooh Boneheads talking to me Ah-ooh Their numbers have grown so fast Who gave them license to broadcast There's boneheads on my TV Ah-ooh There's Rush Limbaugh Biggest pig I ever saw With a hundred copies of his book on the shelf Into my living room every night Comes the fascist religious right No one loves him more than himself Rush thinks he's so darn important An American Hitler, fattened and shortened So seemingly omniscient He isn't He thinks being famous makes him significant And smart and apropos Oh no But Pee Wee had a show too, you know On my TV I would sooner See old Morton Downey Jr. There's boneheads on my TV bop-sh-bop Boneheads talking to me Rrrrrr I see them every single day A lot of words, not a thing to say There's boneheads on my TV Ooh-la-la And there's Geraldo Thinks he's Phil Donaho Interviewing hearing impaired lepers with Alzheimer's Oy senor He likes subjects with missing limbs Never mind that folks throw chairs at him They break his nose, and give him a nice shiner La la la la And there he is with the Ku Klux Klan Proving he is such a macho little man We're impressed He picked a fight with Wizard Buford What a weenie And I didn't know just who to root for Geraldo's face all bloody and gory And suddenly Geraldo IS the story That's the way to be objective Keep your professional perspective There's boneheads on my TV Do-be-do-wah, do-be-do-wah Yeah, boneheads talking to me Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk They're broadcasting stupidity And making so much more than me There's boneheads on my TV What's on the TV, looks like a penguin The local news is no better Watch a dork in a cardigan sweater Tell me about some murdered nuns With witty jokes and pithy puns And that pithes me off There's ads for 1-900 women A new diet from chubby Richard Simmons A vacuum cleaner that cuts hair A workout device that's just two stairs Stay up late for A Current Affair And Miracle Replacement Hair Bob Vila is building a hot tub And there's the Home Shopping Club A medicine for heart attacks Oh my God Rush is back Boneheads on my TV Bone bone bone bone bone bone head Boneheads talking to me Eh? And here's what keeps them all afloat There's no IQ button on my remote There's boneheads on my TV I'm so glad I got cable There's boneheads watching TV Shoo-be-do-watch, shoo-be-do-watch Copyright 1993 Steve Goodie ASCAP I PUT HER TOOTHBRUSH IN THE MAIL She just walked out, so I guess we're through She moved in with another guy, that's my second clue I'm not asking for a chance, I'm not begging or pleading I don't want her back if she could do this to me I don't need her, I can pull through I don't miss her, I've got better things to do I'm not calling, I'm not writing, I got nothing to say She's gone and she's forgotten and she'll stay that way I sold everything that she left, but some things wouldn't sell So I put her toothbrush in the mail, and I addressed it to hell Dental hygiene is important, I'm not judging her morally She never was too meticulous orally Fire and brimstone are hard on your gums And I know she's in hell, cause that's where she's from But my postman, he didn't understand He couldn't find a zip-code for the underland I tried UPS, and Federal Express They both did their best, with limited success I threw away all of her makeup, and her worn out bathroom scale And I put her toothbrush in the mail, and I addressed it to hell Now I don't mean to offend But you never knew her well And four out of five dentists recommend That she go to hell Go directly to hell, do not pass Go Do not collect $200 a week out of my pocket I heard from her last week, she says she's doing well She's the first person ever to receive, a care package in hell Copyright 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP VIRILE MAN He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land The women come from all around for Virile Man He looks just like a movie star and he's his biggest fan The women come from near and far for Virile Man He's a girl toy, and boy can he love But sometimes he just can't get it up He keeps his women in their place, in the palm of his hand Or sometimes on his smiling face he's Virile Man He can make love up to a minute Minute And sometimes that's even after he's in it Are you in? He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land The women come from all around for Virile Man Oh, Virile Man He can make love up to a minute Minute And sometimes that's even after he's in it Was that a minute? He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land The women come from all around for Virile Man Virile Man Virile Man Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man Copyright 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP |